to not want my sister-in-law and her husband to look after my ds?

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

I know they're fond of him and he's fond of them. He also likes spending time with his cousin, their son, who is 18 months younger. However, I don't particularly get on with them and I just feel really defensive/protective of him spending a lot of time alone with them. The main things that bother me are:

• they seem a bit biased when it comes to the interaction between my son and theirs. Twice I have seen their son hit mine. I know this is not shocking for a three year old, but they didn't make him apologise to my son or make him see that it's not acceptable. They first pleaded with him to apologise to my son and when their son responded by crying, they hugged him to comfort him and the incident turned into a situation where their son was upset (even though it was mine who had been hit).
• they're very over protective of their son and won't ever let him come over and play alone with our son (fair enough - it's up to them but makes me feel weird about my ds going there if they don't trust me to reciprocate. I feel a little bit like they don't trust anyone to look after their child and a couple of things they have said over the course of time has made me wonder whether they think I'm not a good parent and that just makes me feel really ambivalent about leaving him with them).
• when my son does play there and I go to pick him up he is always a bit difficult with me afterwards and ignores me in a way that he doesn't usually. (My DH thinks I am imagining this)
• Their son has been a bit slow to learn to talk and will only answer to his mum (even ignores his dad a lot of the time when she is around). If you try to speak to him or initiate play with him he hides behind her trouser leg. she doesn't appear to try to help the situation by encouraging to speak to other people or answer their questions - she does a lot of answering for him. It's clear they're very close but he seems so clingy it worries me that when my ds is alone with them he's not in a neutral environment.

My ds doesn't seem bothered by it and it's as much my take on the situation as anything. My DH is very keen for them to spend time together and really wants to ask them to babysit and they're very willing. We're quite hard up but I feel so instinctively that I would really rather pay a babysitter.
I'm struggling with this because I know in principle I should encourage my ds to spend time with my DH's family but I just have this really strong feeling that I don't want them to look after him without me there.

This is really worrying me and is becoming quite a source of tension between my and my DH.
do you think I just need to let him stay with them even though it maes me feel really uncomfortable?

Whilst you say you worry that they judge your parenting you do do a lot of judging of theirs - this will do nothing to soothe tensions.

Sorry if I missed something, have re-read and didn't quite pick it up.

Are we talking about using them for childcare, or just for play-dates? I'm guessing it's the latter?

Why are they so keen to have him, especially when they have no intention of sending their DC to you...?

Why are you being made to feel like you have to put your child forward to further familial relations, when they don't feel like they have to? Odd.

Hi JapaneseMargaret
My DH is very keen for my DS to go over there for playdates and does so regularly when he's looking after him but also wants tto leave them with him for childcare. He and my sister in law are very close. She is at home and very happy to have my ds over which is kind but I just feel really awkward about it for the reasons I've set out and the fact they don't ever want to leave him with us does play a part in my discomfort.

Maddening, I take your point and it seems as though maybe you do think I am being unreasonable. I guess it must seem as though I am being judgemental of them but I'm also trying to analyse why it is I feel so uncomfortable with the situation and so reluctant to let him be there on his own.

Probably will get flamed for this but I don't think yabu. I realize that the general opinion of lots of mumsnetters is that "your child is not your property, it takes a village, control issues" etc. But I'm the mum. I decide what happens to my child. If I don't feel comfortable with a situation, and i cannot see any benefit to my child, its just not gonna happen.

Could the reason that they dont want to send their ds to yours be because he only speaks to his mum and they expect it would be tricky?

Childcare as in for full days while you work?

Or childcare as in a couple of hours in the evening every now and again so you and your DH can have a child free evening?

I think maybe you feel that a situation could arise where they will favour their ds over your ds.
Say if your ds does something unfair to their ds they could then make your ds feel uncomfortable or not understand him.
Maybe you feel they wouldn't comfort him enough if he hurts himself or feels sad.
Ifyswim??

Your child - you decide. You don't HAVE to send him anywhere. Does DH know why you don't want to? You don't have t encourage time with family - a lot of peoples relatives live far apart and they manage fine.

hi all
thanks so much for taking the time to post. Beavington, I think that might be partly why they are reluctant for him to spend time alone with us and Ihavenobrain, I guess I am worried about my DS being judged unfairly compared to theirs if he doesn't behave impeccably (and if I'm honest I worry about feeling judged by them myself). There are two dates coming up - one is a special date and DH wants us to go out in the evening and one is a day during half term when we're both going to be working (I've arranged childcare with my mum and school holiday club the rest of the week but we're stuck just one day). DH keeps saying he can just go round there but I feel really reluctant. I've told DH how I feel but he also thinks I'm being unreasonable and is getting a bit impatient with me. It would be very easy to leave him with them as they're very willing about taking him but I do feel really uncomfortable because it doesn't work the other way and because of all the other stuff.

Unless there is a lot else you haven't yet posted, I think YABU.
You'll find, as your dc grows, that everyone won't always do things the way you do, or make exactly the same choices you do. What you need to do, is accept that, and understand that for the odd bit of babysitting, or the odd couple of hours play over a week or a month, it really isn't going to have any big influence on your child.
As long as you believe them to be trustworthy, not put your dc in danger, and not do anything that you might really object to (I dunno, some people feel very strongly about smoking for example), then your ds will be fine, and enjoy growing up with a close relationship with a cousin similar in age to himself.
There is nothing in what you say that gives any reason why they shouldn't look after him for the odd hour or two when it suits you both.

I can see why you feel a bit iffy about the idea, but if you know they are capable, and as you say they are fond of him & he enjoys spending time with them,I think perhaps you need to bite the bullet & give it a try.

Could he go round for a short period of time prior to the two dates you mention to see how he gets on for just an hour or two?

I think you would be totally reasonable though to say to uke DH that you'll give it a try but if you still feel uncomfortable or there are any problems, it gets put to one side for a while.

Their son is 3 and yours is 4 and a half?

Perhaps that explains why they seem biased in his favour when there's a problem between them?

The fact that your ds ignores you for a time when you pick him up after being with them is more likely to mean that he's comfortable there than the reverse.

Do you like your sil? It can be a tricky relationship. Are you sure that your feelings about her are not influencing your judgement?

As long as it is only once in a while I don't see it being a problem.

But you can use the excuse that they won't let you reciprocate by having your DNephew to visit to stop too many visits as 'you feel you are putting them out and cant return the favour' or something.

Avoid discussing it with DH, so then he doesn't have the opportunity to disagree.

on the whole I'd say YABU, but this is the one part that rings an alarm bell for me: 'when my son does play there and I go to pick him up he is always a bit difficult with me afterwards and ignores me in a way that he doesn't usually.' Just you and not his Dad?

Are they saying something to your son, not necessarily maliciously, that's making this happen?

I had this with some older relatives who provided childcare while I worked, only a few days a week. It turned out to be something they were saying a very stupid thing to him about me, not meaning to cause a problem, not realising he would take it seriously (as a toddler!) but it did.

sorry i meant only a few hours a week. It just shows that something small in adults minds can be something big to a toddler.

Hi Tryingtofind, yes he is very distant with me after being with them and also when they're around. He's not distant with my DH and I don't get this distance if he spends an hour or two playing with my family or at a friend's house.
I haven't mentioned before that my DH speaks a different language and SIL and BIL speak it too so have wondered whether it is linked to that though I am glad he spends time with them and has the exposure to my DH's first language it all makes me feel uncomfortable with him being without me there ( though less uncomfortable if I'm around).

Their little one is in this pattern of ignoring everyone except his mum and my DS is a bit the same ( I.e. Listens only to my SIL when he's been round there).

Also the bias thing bothers me as I feel like there's one rule for their son and one for mine and I am worried about there bring an incident where my DH gets treated as though his needs and feelings are less a priority than his cousin's ( or should I just accept this as spending time with family.

Thyme out, I do not have a great relationship with SIL, we're very different and I feel she judges me as a busy working mum. This definitely clouds my feelings about him spending time with them (I am aware of that)-I just can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and selfish about it or whether I should trust my instinct that I'd prefer not to let him go over there lots on his own.

Anyone you leave your child with will have different rules and approaches than you. You haven't said anything that suggests your son would be at risk in any way.

I think back to my childhood, and when my children talk about theirs, it's often about all the fun times with the cousins.

I think your husband just wants an extended family relationship iyswim I do think you might be over sensitive and seeing you don't like your sil much it is clouding your judgement it really is up to you though but your dh has a say too its like you don't trust him to make a decision. I wouldn't use family as childcare if I wasn't comfy with it but having your son go and see his aunt and cousin once in a while won't harm your son

I feel she judges me as a busy working mum

Do you feel like she is 'competitive mummying' as she is at home? Or is that something you are projecting.

For me the bottom line is, does your DS want to go there? If yes. Send him. Your DH loves him too and wants the relationship to work.

The evening one, woudl that be an overnight or them babysit at your house? The latter I'd agree to, overnight if your DS isn't comfortable there, then no.

For the one day in the holidays, I think you need to line up an alternative if you aren't happy with him having a full day there, perhaps ask someone else to do a playdate or a childcare swap (you have their DC on anohter day you are free) - or could you work from home?

I think if you aren't happy with your DS being there alone, then you are going to have a crap day at work. If you can make sure he gets lots of time with his cousin when you are around (perhaps invite your DN to you for a few hours and sell it as giving your SIL some 'time off' being as she's a full time SAHM you'd like to give her a break etc), then your DH can't complain you aren't letting DS see your DH's family

Instints are important, particularly when it comes to your DCs care, ignoring them to a) save money or b) keep adults happy, never ends well IME.

Imagine if your dh told you he wasn't going to leave the dc with your sister because if the reasons above. Not a nice feeling.

I don't believe for one minute that these people would be nasty or awful to your son in your absence.

You just don't necessarily like them and therefore don't want them to have your son. All well and good but your dh does like them and wants them to see your son.

Whether you like it or not it is your job to foster good relationships with your son and all his family. He will benefit enormously from positive relationships. You are IMO trying to interfere with this process.

Yes your child your say but come on, he is safe, loved and wanted there. Lighten up.

Maybe DS senses you are uncomfortable with him going there.

Try an experiment, next time he goes, when he comes in be all cheery and ask how it went, tell him how lovely his DAunt is, she is such a nice lady, such fun to visit blah blah. See how he responds.

Standoffishness: I know bilingual adults who have to mentally recalibrate if they are immersed in one or the other language and suddenly must react in the other. To the point of briefly not even understanding the other language, even it is their native tongue. If they speak another language in that household, then your son is probably having to take a moment to turn his English circuits back on. There are probably specific things you and your husband can do to help him make these transitions. Acting as if he is behaving wrongly will be very confusing to him. Be helpful to him, learning two languages at once is not easy, but is such a good thing!

Will they be biased in their treatment of the boys? Probably. As will any other parent on any other playdate. This will likely reduce the more they are together. If it is any more extreme than the norm for any parents with a younger (and also PFB) child, or gets worse over the years, then it will be worth discussing. But that there may be bias is pretty much a given. You will be too, no matter how much you think you are not. At almost age 5 he is capable of understanding that littler children are treated a bit differently than older children, and that parents favor their own so he probably isnt nearly as bothered if this happens as you are at the mere possibility.

Their 3 year old is shy? Many are. Most outgrow it. Some do not. Forcing children to go through the motions of interacting to fit the script of adults they are not close to is can be counter productive, in the long run. They can unintentionally learn not to trust their own judgement, that they must always defer to others demands. Interaction with a slightly older and braver child could be quite helpful though. Assuming the other child is kind, and not a bully. A slightly older cousin known to be a nice child is perfect, actually.

Let him go.

You've all given me lots to think about. Thanks for your comments.