to not want my sister-in-law and her husband to look after my ds?

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

I know they're fond of him and he's fond of them. He also likes spending time with his cousin, their son, who is 18 months younger. However, I don't particularly get on with them and I just feel really defensive/protective of him spending a lot of time alone with them. The main things that bother me are:

• they seem a bit biased when it comes to the interaction between my son and theirs. Twice I have seen their son hit mine. I know this is not shocking for a three year old, but they didn't make him apologise to my son or make him see that it's not acceptable. They first pleaded with him to apologise to my son and when their son responded by crying, they hugged him to comfort him and the incident turned into a situation where their son was upset (even though it was mine who had been hit).
• they're very over protective of their son and won't ever let him come over and play alone with our son (fair enough - it's up to them but makes me feel weird about my ds going there if they don't trust me to reciprocate. I feel a little bit like they don't trust anyone to look after their child and a couple of things they have said over the course of time has made me wonder whether they think I'm not a good parent and that just makes me feel really ambivalent about leaving him with them).
• when my son does play there and I go to pick him up he is always a bit difficult with me afterwards and ignores me in a way that he doesn't usually. (My DH thinks I am imagining this)
• Their son has been a bit slow to learn to talk and will only answer to his mum (even ignores his dad a lot of the time when she is around). If you try to speak to him or initiate play with him he hides behind her trouser leg. she doesn't appear to try to help the situation by encouraging to speak to other people or answer their questions - she does a lot of answering for him. It's clear they're very close but he seems so clingy it worries me that when my ds is alone with them he's not in a neutral environment.

My ds doesn't seem bothered by it and it's as much my take on the situation as anything. My DH is very keen for them to spend time together and really wants to ask them to babysit and they're very willing. We're quite hard up but I feel so instinctively that I would really rather pay a babysitter.
I'm struggling with this because I know in principle I should encourage my ds to spend time with my DH's family but I just have this really strong feeling that I don't want them to look after him without me there.

This is really worrying me and is becoming quite a source of tension between my and my DH.
do you think I just need to let him stay with them even though it maes me feel really uncomfortable?

Nothing in your OP really makes any sense .
I think this is to do with your SIl and DH being very close.are you subconciously a bit put out by this? Jealousy of DH's love for his female relatiuves is the root of most MIL/DIL troubles.

Jealousy of DH's love for his female relatiuves is the root of most MIL/DIL troubles

I don't agree with that at all.

I think YABU

I'm sensing a hint of jealousy at your DHs relationship with his sister here. You need to get over that, I have a feeling if you confronted SIL with your concerns she wouldn't know what you were on about.....like maybe it's all in your head.

I know that sounds harsh and I totally understand not wanting to leave DS somewhere you don't feel comfortable, but I think it would be totally unreasonable to keep DS away from his family.

I thought that the OP perhaps feels a bit that as she was a WOHM DSIl who is a SAHM, if I've followed this correctly, can lay on the attention to DCs a bit more lavishly.

But, as DSIL won't allow the OP to mind her DS I would feel insulted, as if the OP isn't quite up to her standards or something. So I might be a bit meh, about letting a DC of mine stay there.

Having a DH who lauds his Dsis whilst ignoring your misgivings rubs salt into the wound.

MN usually advocates going with your instincts, so after giving it some careful thought, that is what I would recommend the OP does, goes with her instincts and reduces the amount of visits to DSIL if that is what she decides.

I think all the whys and wherefores are totally irrelevant. If you don't want to leave DS with anyone then you don't.

If DH said he didn't want to leave DS with someone and gave a list of reasons I imagine you would back him up. He should therefore back you up.

If it makes you uncomfortable then it doesn't happen.

I would not send my child alone to someones house, who doesn't trust me to look after their child on my own......

But surely the child's father should have some say in this? It's his sister and tbh there doesn't seem to be any grounds for Op's concern.

Sil's child is only 3 and not comfortable being left elsewhere at the moment, which is normal for some 3 year olds. Nothing to do with trust at all. The situation will probably change as he gets older.

To the two posters who suggested I am jealous of my SIL's and DH's relationship you're missing the point. This is about me being pressed to leave my DS alone with people who don't hide their indifference towards me and don't trust me and my DH to look after their son (but are very keen to look after mine). I'm not trying to interfere with DS's relationship with his cousin or prevent them seeing each other - we spend time together as families reasonably regularly and my DH and his SIL meet up a couple of times a month with my DH and his cousin and they go to the park together - but I don't want him to be round there alone (ie without me or DH) regularly, when they seem to not like me and not want their child to be alone with me and DH. The lack of reciprocity makes me feel uncomfortable - as if I'm in their debt or as if they're judging me unfit to look after their son. My DH is keen for DS to go there on his own for free childcare and because he thinks it's good for DS's language skills. I'm not saying I want to cut ties or anything dramatic I just want to limit the visits without me and DH being there. There's no question of me thinking DS'll come to any harm and a number of the posters here have suggested that's the only consideration or reason why I might not want them to have unlimited access to him being there alone. My feelings about the way my in- laws appear to feel about me also necessarily affect how comfortable I feel about then spending lots of time with my DS when I'm not around. Even though he may not come to any harm- it's still an uncomfortable situation and doesn't feel like an equal relationship between me and them.

Well if it was me op and I felt like you do I wouldn't leave my child there either.

It's not compulsory to do it.

And I would certainly challenge their not sending their ds to you.

Sauce for the goose and all that.

Ask then why.