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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get a colleague moved to another office

39 replies

I8toys · 01/02/2015 14:14

Male work colleague - known him for 10+ years. He's married with kids and so am I. I left our old company and he then joined my new company about 6 months afterwards. We work in the same industry and are friends with our new boss.

A year ago he attempted to make something happen between us at work. I was disgusted and shocked with him and tried to cut all contact. Last week he began texting me out of the blue and saying I miss your friendship etc etc - emotional blackmail type stuff. My friend said it sounded like a suicide note.

I contacted my boss because it was making me uncomfortable and I have dreaded going into the office since this all started. I asked my boss to have an informal chat with him as I felt this man needed someone to talk to.

Boss talked to him and he confirmed everything I had complained about. My boss confirmed to me if it was anyone else making an official complaint like this this guy would have lost his job but I don't want that for his family.

I have been given the option of me moving offices or asking for him to be moved. I don't want to cause anymore fuss but feel the easiest option for me would be for him to be moved elsewhere so I don't have to see him. Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

lougle · 01/02/2015 14:16

He has conducted himself unprofessionally so he should be moved. You've done nothing, so you should stay. Unless you hate your office and want a change, then you could use this to make that change.

Original poster

I8toys · 01/02/2015 14:18

Thanks Lougle - but don't want to cause grief. Just the thought of him makes my skin crawl. I am trying to be adult about it and would not have raised the subject if he had left me alone the first time.

OP posts:

AmarettoSour · 01/02/2015 14:18

Yanbu and I think you know it. If DP was being sexually harassed by a colleague and he turned down the option of them being moved to another office I would be furious and would wonder if he was getting some sort of kick from the attention.

ghostyslovesheep · 01/02/2015 14:19

no you are NOT being selfish - get him gone

Original poster

I8toys · 01/02/2015 14:20

I am certainly not getting a kick out of the attention - I don't want it and have made that clear.

OP posts:

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 01/02/2015 14:21

You've done the right thing in raising it with your boss. There's no way you should have to put up with this behaviour or be made to feel uncomfortable in your job. If I were you and you like working in that office then get him transferred to a new location.

YellowTulips · 01/02/2015 14:26

This man knew you did not want his attention, yet he sought you out for a second time.

He doesn't deserve your pity.

He needs to learn there are consequences to behaviour that is inappropriate, unwanted and borderline stalking.

You actually do him and other potential victims of his behaviour a disservice by letting him get away with this.

As a minimum yes he should be transferred and hope that this incentivises him into some self reflection.

AmarettoSour · 01/02/2015 14:28

l8toys I'm not suggesting you are, I would just be surprised were I your DH if you turned down the offer to have him relocated after all the grief he's given you - he's effectively followed you to a new company.

As you say you don't want him to lose his job and your boss has offered a compromise, what's the big deal? Are you worried this guy will kick off or harm himself when he finds out?

I realise it sounds like I'm picking at you which isn't my intention, but what sort of resolution were you hoping for after raising this with your boss?

Original poster

I8toys · 01/02/2015 14:29

Thanks Yellow you are right. My boss has been brilliant about it.

Asking him why he's texting me about the weather and saying take care coming into work. He asked him - did you text anyone else and ask them? Errr No.

Asking him why after a year he is contacting me again after I have deliberately distanced myself from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

I8toys · 01/02/2015 14:32

Amaretto - I just wanted someone to have a word with him to draw a line under it I suppose. He wasn't taking my distance from him as a hint. It was the next step for me to get him to back off.

My husband knows all about it and they have met over the years.

I just don't want the grief for my boss in finding another office for him I suppose.

OP posts:

AyMamita · 01/02/2015 14:36

Don't worry about the grief for your boss. That's what they get paid the higher salaries for! YANBU.

AmarettoSour · 01/02/2015 14:37

l8 it sounds as if you don't want to make waves in the office which is understandable, especially as up to now you've been dealing with his behaviour yourself.

But in this case your boss has the right idea. Take him up on the offer and don't feel guilty about it!

Original poster

I8toys · 01/02/2015 14:41

I think I will Amaretto

OP posts:

Caronaim · 01/02/2015 14:43

The only thing you are being unreasonable about is prissying around saying you "don't want to cause grief" and "don't want that for his family" - this self indulgent type of behaviour is just related to you protecting your view of yourself at the expense of everybody else, as you are colluding with reprehensible behaviour for your own selfish ends.

He should be taking the full consequences of his behaviour without any fannying around.

YellowTulips · 01/02/2015 14:44

Your boss has a duty of care to staff.

Moving him is actually fairly easy in comparison to of dealing with a charge of gross misconduct (which imho would be appropriate).

If I was the manager in question I probably urge you to file a formal complaint rather than a "below the radar move".

The HR disciplinary process is designed to be fair and impartial. If he has done nothing wrong then he has little to worry about.

I doubt he feels any remorse re: his behaviour to you - otherwise why contact you again?

Why should you feel guilty about him?

Original poster

I8toys · 01/02/2015 14:46

I take that Caronaim that I am prissying about but have never experienced anything like this before and suppose am a bit unsure on how to proceed.

OP posts:

Caronaim · 01/02/2015 14:52

You are trying to be "nice" about the situation, which in my opinion is totally inappropriate, and is in fact a form of collusion,which will only encourage him to continue with his behaviour, probably with another victim, probably more than one.

Caronaim · 01/02/2015 14:53

It might be easier for you, but it unhelpful to everyone else.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 01/02/2015 14:57

any 'grief' is his responsibility. You are not responsible for his choices and his actions and nor should you be attempting to protect him from the consequences of his choices and actions.

Anything that happens to him as a result of what he has chosen to do is entirely his fault.

His family, his job, his anything, your boss's 'grief' (whatever that would be) - not your problem. You appear to be falling into the trap many women do of accepting fault or blame for the choices of men and / or feeling that anything that happens because of it is somehow your fault or your responsibility to prevent.

You're wrong.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 01/02/2015 14:59

No, it is much MUCH more helpful to your boss to not vacillate, and to accept and go forward with his solution and let the issue (hopefully) move into the 'dealt with' file.

You are not causing the problem. The problem is THERE - and it's a serious one. Believe me, your boss will be relieved that you have raised it, and even more relieved that you are happy with it being sorted by something as simple as a move of offices. It is a straightforward thing which had the potential to be very messy.

Do not now turn it into a 'possibly going to crop up again and get messy, oh bloody hell' situation by saying, ooh, I'm not sure, don't want to cause trouble for you, maaaaybe he'll be ok now you've said something, let's just stay in the office and I'll see how it goes... No. That's not fair on your boss, it will be the LAST thing they want to hear.

No. You say 'Thanks. Yes, I think a move of office will be the safest and fairest option for EVERYONE going forward, to ensure that this situation does not need to be addressed again. Please move him.' Job done.

Original poster

I8toys · 01/02/2015 15:11

TheyLearned - you are right. It needs to end and we all need to move on.

OP posts:

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 01/02/2015 15:11

OP if anything you were unreasonable by not reporting him the first time, but that's understandable because you didn't want a fuss and you hoped it would solve the problem.

It hasn't solved the problem and that's not your fault. Part of your boss's job is staff management so let him do that. The only way that it involves you is that your colleague is out of line towards you and must stop. Other than that choose the solution that suits you best. You shouldn't have to move office, but you can take that option if you prefer it.

Please don't feel that you're causing any of this situation but do let your boss know what you'd like to happen as soon as you can and then think no more of it

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2015 15:23

I8toys I think you did the right thing in bringing it to your boss and it is right for your boss to move him. Unless you would like to be the one to move. I don't think you are being selfish or anything.

I think, like lots of people, you probably do not like to cause a fuss etc. It is perfectly understandable to be someone who does not want to cause a fuss. But in this instance it is right this man realises that he cannot purse you like this, against your wishes, using the connection you have through work.

Just tell your boss which way round is better for YOU, for him to move
or you to move. And then move on.

Original poster

I8toys · 01/02/2015 15:26

I am going to ask for him to be moved. Can you tell I hate confrontation and avoid uncomfortable situations - that's why I just buried my head in the sand the first time and pretended like it hadn't happened - avoidance being my action. But this time it had to stop.

Thanks for all the advice - I see I need to make him take responsibility for it and get a grip.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2015 15:28

And be nice to yourself I8toys. You are not to blame here.

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