To get a colleague moved to another office

[I8toys]

Male work colleague - known him for 10+ years. He's married with kids and so am I. I left our old company and he then joined my new company about 6 months afterwards. We work in the same industry and are friends with our new boss.

A year ago he attempted to make something happen between us at work. I was disgusted and shocked with him and tried to cut all contact. Last week he began texting me out of the blue and saying I miss your friendship etc etc - emotional blackmail type stuff. My friend said it sounded like a suicide note.

I contacted my boss because it was making me uncomfortable and I have dreaded going into the office since this all started. I asked my boss to have an informal chat with him as I felt this man needed someone to talk to.

Boss talked to him and he confirmed everything I had complained about. My boss confirmed to me if it was anyone else making an official complaint like this this guy would have lost his job but I don't want that for his family.

I have been given the option of me moving offices or asking for him to be moved. I don't want to cause anymore fuss but feel the easiest option for me would be for him to be moved elsewhere so I don't have to see him. Am I being selfish?

Thanks Italian

Remember that you are not responsible for his behaviour.

So you are not getting him moved to another office.

His own behaviour is responsible for that, he's caused this himself.

He chose to reinitiate unwanted contact you have already asked him to stop.

You've also changed jobs and it sounds like he followed you to the new one.

That's quite extreme and creepy.

He is lucky that he's not getting the sack, and he has you to thank for that.

You could be asking your boss to sack him and then his wife and family would know what he was up to as well.

Anything that happens to him now is his own fault, not yours. You have a right to be left alone at work and at home, and your colleague should not be contacting you with unwanted, inappropriate calls and texts.

I feel for you OP. Get him moved. But also when he's moved if he ever texts/emails etc again then let HR know and keep a record.

As others say don't feel guilty at all about being harassed etc in a lot of other companies he'd have been disciplined and out before now.

I8toys, your thread is really helpful to me too. I'm taking a colleague through formal grievance for sexual harassment and I've held off taking it formally too. I have my reasons... I've told him time and again to stop, it got better for a while and then picked up again when the pressure was off him.

Grievance is generally frowned on in our company and you really have to be very sure of your grounds. For a woman, it's harder still. It just is.

I'm supporting you, OP, I know how you feel when you say that you don't want to make an issue of it, get yourself in the line of fire - and also that you don't want to been seen to be a troublemaker.

The posters 'reprimanding' you for your tardiness in reporting and trying to demean you by bringing your husband/partner's views into this are being singularly unhelpful at best and enjoying themselves having a pop at you, at worst. Some women seem to do that for some inexplicable reason. Only the ones that have never experienced this though so good for them, whoop-de-doo.

Best wishes to you, l8toys, it will hopefully be a weight of your mind when this man isn't in your orbit anymore, he had no right to keep on harassing you and you've done nothing wrong.

Thank you for your support Lying. I am sorry you are going through this too.

If this man was someone I didn't really know and had not worked with before I would have definitely complained formally but there is a history. Not a relationship history but our old workplace was like a family and was close knit. Its hard to explain it.

Another vote for accepting the boss' offer of moving this creepy loser elsewhere. Any unfortunate consequences for him are all his own fault.
And do bear in mind that if, following the office move, he begins to pester you outside the workplace, involve the police. Stalking and harassment are criminal offences and you have the right to be left alone.

Yanbu, I would ask your boss to move his office as discreetly as possible as he was the one who created this situation. Also to have this on record as well.

OP I worked in a company that was like a 'family' and fostered close friendships (2 affairs etc).

It was when one man emailed and IM'd a female colleague very flirty messages that we realised maybe we weren't so close knit. He stopped the messages.

Just because you're in a close/family style office doesn't mean you have to suffer inappropriate behaviour.

Would it help you to know my perspective on it, as a 'boss'.

The most annoying thing in the world is when someone has a problem or grievance, complains about it, and then says 'but don't do anything'. Why waste my time and energy listening to your complaint, trying to come up with a solution, when all you wanted to do was have a whinge. I'm not a whinging post.

I'm not saying you were just whinging, but you raised a complaint, your boss has taken it on and has come up with a plan of action. That's their job, the action is the responsibility of the person who was in the wrong, you want it resolved. No need to feel bad about it.

Oh yes, not to mention that if I'm not allowed to deal effectively with a problem, I know it's just going to happen again, so I'm going to have to go through the whole thing all over. I'd rather just deal with it the once and solve it.

Your boss doesn't mind doing this. Your boss doesn't see you as a troublemaker. Promise.

Trying - I have e-mailed my boss to ask him to be moved to another office so hopefully this will be the end of it for all concerned.

Well done, don't underestimate how hard it was to do that and how very well you've handled it.

I don't agree at all with having a go and blaming you, implying you're wanting it etc. Very unfair and unpleasant, disguised as morality. Yuck. But I suppose that's what AIBU is all about these days, so we'll done for weathering the kicks!

It has definitely moved beyond being able to handle it yourself though, and you're ansolutely doing the right thing. You're being very nice to think about his family, but I wouldn't focus too much on that, as you are the one who needs protection from this horrible man. Don't forget that in your empathy for his wife. And also you can't make decisions based on their wellbeing, as you don't know what their situation is. Maybe this would give her the push she needs to leave and have the chance of living a happy life, find someone who won't betray her like he has. Maybe by not making it public, she'll stay with him miserable and unloved for the rest of her life, teaching her children an unhealthy template for relationships Etc. my point is, you can't know what's right for her, so you shouldn't be trying to make her the focus of your decision and overlook yourself!

Anyway, what you've ended up doing is good. Very good to stick up for yourself in a professional manner. Yay!

Just thinking though, I hope it will be recorded by HR/ line managers as to why he's had to be moved. So if he tries it again (with you, or with some other poor woman), it's not treated as if it's the first time... Never happened before, benefit of the doubt etc. Cos he Really doesn't deserve that.

Well done though. I mean it :)

Thank you for your support Misc.

Well done OP, that was very brave of you.

I think you've done the right thing.

It's sadly natural to feel bad about this sort of thing, women often ignore their own instincts and feelings because they don't want to 'get someone else into trouble' or 'cause offence' or 'make a fuss'.

But as I said before, none of this is down to you, it's down to the man in question choosing to ignore your request to be left alone and continuing to harass you with unwanted messages.

So well done for taking the steps necessary to protect yourself.