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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum is out of order?

52 replies

dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 01:28

Went to my mum's at about 7.30 today. She asked if I wanted to pop out to her old neighbour's housewarming for a couple of hours. I agreed, saying I had loads of work to do, so couldn't be out late. She didn't finish getting ready till nearly ten, by which time I didn't feel like going. We were at the party till 1 and were the last ones there. I was driving and offered to go home on my own, but she insisted that she would have to go at the same time, huffed and puffed about it and generally stropped. During the evening she informed everyone that I was taking anti depressants and that my xdh gambled, repeated the same stories over and over, told me that she was going away as no one cared about her and then tried to get me to go out to a club with her, knowing I've got work in the morning.

I was supposed to be staying at hers tonight, but she was so drunk and vile, I dropped her off and came home - which she'll no doubt be raging about.

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 01/02/2015 01:52

Sorry but your mums an arse.

MagicMojito · 01/02/2015 01:53

Ya so nbu by the way! How awful for you x

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 01:57

Thanks mojito - she really upset me. Before we went out she was angry when I tries to say I was tired and not up for much and she said 'no wonder those fellas can't stay with you.' I had two break ups last year which left me distraught. So glad to be home alone now.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/02/2015 01:59

Yeah, your mum is a dick.

RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 02:14

Fuck me, she sounds absolutely awful.

LedditGo · 01/02/2015 02:19

"I'm sorry that my medical problems and my personal life are the only things you feel you can talk about when you're out."

Followed by

"There is more to a relationship than partying and I'm not going to compromise that. I'm sorry you think that I should."

Your mother is a bitch

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 08:46

At one point she tried to persuade me to leave my car and said we'd get a taxi home at 8am. She knows I've cut down on drinking to almost nothing, as it was affecting my mental health. But she just wanted a drinking buddy.
She's had loads of cosmetic work done and looks amazing for her age, so I think she likes dragging me out so people gasp in shock at how great she looks. Makes me feel like crap though.

OP posts:
applejacksauntie · 01/02/2015 08:49

If there was ever a case of going NC with a family member, I would say that was now.

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 08:53

She's done similar before, but she's not always awful - she can be nice, so I find it so hard to cut her off. My self esteem is really low at the minute. I was so desperate to get out of her house when we got back that I left my laptop there.

OP posts:
WizardOfToss · 01/02/2015 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 01/02/2015 08:57

You need to take it right back to why you didn't say, at 20:00
"Mum, I said I wasn't up for a late one, if we're not off by 20:30 I'm not going, as I'm only staying til 22:00".
And why you didn't say at 20:30
"I'm not going out now - you have fun though".

She sounds like a bloody nightmare.
Maybe ask for some book recommendations to help with saying "no"?

Nolim · 01/02/2015 08:57

Yanbu

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 09:13

Cabrinha, I did say that. When I said I wasn't going, she stropped and cried and said she'd never speak to me again. I thought by driving at least I'd have some control.
She turned up at this party where everyone was wearing jeans - in a cocktail dress - and basked in people saying how young she looks (she looks incredible) and I sat feeling like crap.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 01/02/2015 09:17

Do you not say 'everyone would look good with that amount of plastic surgery mother. When are you going to start acting your age?'

Cabrinha · 01/02/2015 09:21

OK, well done for saying no.
But next step, take it back to why you gave in to a grown woman crying like a spoilt child.

"No mum, I'm not going, it's too late - I say. I'm driving home now, I'll drop you off on my way if you like."

Although I prefer "oh grow the fuck up you crazy cow" Grin

Cabrinha · 01/02/2015 09:21

*did say

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 09:22

Oh my god, delicious - she'd absolutely hit the roof if I said that. She likes to have admirers wherever we go and I think she sees me as an extension of her, so stories about my life are fair game too.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 01/02/2015 09:22

And the threat of never speaking to you again sounds quite a result!

Why does people complimenting her on her plastic surgery make you feel crap?

WizardOfToss · 01/02/2015 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 01/02/2015 09:25

Genuine question: why do you stand for that? Why be her accessory? Why not distance yourself?

Is she embarrassed about getting older? A good line "yeah she does look amazing, you'd never believe she's 50!"

Not that I'm advising back stabby comments on her age. Oh no. I really think being mature and distancing yourself is a better idea!

Suzannewithaplan · 01/02/2015 09:28

?
She's using you to score points off of, the worse you feel the better she feels by comparison.

I say don't trust her at all, she doesn't have your best interests at heart, rather she is happy to sacrifice you in order to glorify herself.

You need to look after number one, ie you! ?:)

Suzannewithaplan · 01/02/2015 09:31

(She may look young for her years but I daresay her liver ain't in great shape)

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 01/02/2015 09:32

so she drags her daughter with fragile mental health and low self esteem round to parties to bask in the comparisons, discloses personal details about her daughter, mocks her daughter for not bring able to keep men?

Fucking hell what a nightmare!

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 09:32

Cabrinha, she likes to say 'this is my daughter. She's 34 you know.' inevitably she'll get the shocked reactions, disbelief etc. She once asked some men in a pub to guess how old we were. It's left me feeling like I look old and hideous, though objectively I look fine.
I don't like to inflame it when she's like that. I'm a single parent too and feel like I need my mum, even though she can be vile.

OP posts:
GokTwo · 01/02/2015 09:32

Of course YANBU. What a nasty way to behave. Do you know what though? You have to stop putting up with it. My DW (we're both women) had a similar relationship with her mother, although her mother is elderly. She literally abused DW by greeting her with insults, throwing things at her and phoning to abuse her most days. It was shocking.

To cut a long story short I started objecting every single time she did it and DW began to ignore her and literally walk out or put the phone down and not speak to her until she apologised. It worked. She is lovely to DW now. Honestly, in the end DW just decided her life would actually be better without her mother if she carried on treating her like that. Please stand up for yourself and don't allow her to behave like this.