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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum is out of order?

52 replies

dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 01:28

Went to my mum's at about 7.30 today. She asked if I wanted to pop out to her old neighbour's housewarming for a couple of hours. I agreed, saying I had loads of work to do, so couldn't be out late. She didn't finish getting ready till nearly ten, by which time I didn't feel like going. We were at the party till 1 and were the last ones there. I was driving and offered to go home on my own, but she insisted that she would have to go at the same time, huffed and puffed about it and generally stropped. During the evening she informed everyone that I was taking anti depressants and that my xdh gambled, repeated the same stories over and over, told me that she was going away as no one cared about her and then tried to get me to go out to a club with her, knowing I've got work in the morning.

I was supposed to be staying at hers tonight, but she was so drunk and vile, I dropped her off and came home - which she'll no doubt be raging about.

OP posts:
YoullLikeItNotaLot · 01/02/2015 09:33

suzanne with a plan put it better than me.

GokTwo · 01/02/2015 09:33

I should add it took 3 years for this to happen!

ourglass · 01/02/2015 09:35

I thought you were talking about your little teenage sister .... Not your Mum!

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 09:40

She is immature. She used to call me Saffy (as in Absolutely Fabulous) and I do feel like that around her. Though hopefully much less frumpy! I will try to be more assertive. I feel stronger for not drinking though.

OP posts:
Fadingmemory · 01/02/2015 09:44

Don't, your mother is an emotional blackmailer. She treats you very badly - boasting about herself and either not realising or not caring how you feel. It's all about her - her enjoyment, her need for a taxi service.

Think about what you would do if a "friend" treated you this - he/she wouldn't be a friend for long!

Email her or write her a letter setting out all that was wrong during the day you describe, then say you will go and see her to talk about it. You could tell her you love her (if you do) but that you don't like her and that all the boasting and comparisons have to stop. As to the drinking, just don't go to social occasions with her but suggest sources of help for her. After that it's up to her. Clearly her looks don't bring her contentment.

Having been brought up by emotionally-blackmailing parents you have my sympathy

VinoTime · 01/02/2015 09:45

Oh OP Sad

I'm really sorry she did this to you. I couldn't imagine my mum ever acting is such a childish and belittling manner. Absolutely shocking behaviour on her part.

Cut contact right back. You don't need all that feel bad in your life. She sounds like a right misery of a woman - are you really wanting that sort of influence around your child/ren?

Cabrinha · 01/02/2015 09:47

Well done on not drinking.
Do you really need this dance with the devil for childcare?

I know this is easier said than done, but you need to accept your looks, and who you are independent of what she looks like.

So what if she looks young?

Really, is that the most attractive thing about someone?

The Saffy thing is really funny - brcause Saffy was lovely, IIRC and the joke was all about how sad and shallow the mother and friend were. (Forget their character names!)

I'd love that comparison, would giggle every time!

You really that when she goes on about her looks, people will judge her as shallow, and setting herself up for a shock when the Botox starts to look Jackie Stallone like?

I'm a but older than you. I've got wrinkles. I don't care. I am who I am. I can afford Botox. I don't WANT it. (Just using Botox as an example)

I'm not saying anyone who uses it / plastic surgery is shallow and basing their happiness on something they'll inevitably lose. But some are, and your mum falls into that group.

Change your name here to Saffy! It's funny! And laugh her off, whilst distancing yourself.

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 09:51

Yes I think I will cut back contact. I quite like 'don'tcallmesaffy' as a usernameGrin
I don't think I'm unattractive, but the past year has given my self esteem a real battering and being around my dm doesn't help much.

OP posts:
Suzannewithaplan · 01/02/2015 09:52

Sounds like the archetypal 'mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all'

Getting older is hard for all of us, women are so conditioned to feel that their value is linked to how youthful and attractive they are.

but it's so sad when a mother doesn't want her daughter to shine, to have her time in the sun?.

It's as if she wants to steal your youth just so that she can hang on for a bit longer ?

DeliciousMonster · 01/02/2015 09:53

Oh my god, delicious - she'd absolutely hit the roof if I said that.

Precisely.

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 09:54

I did say to her last night - 'if a friend spoke to me like this, I wouldn't go out with them again.'

OP posts:
toomanyostriches · 01/02/2015 10:12

The fact that she cried and threw a tantrum like a small child when you said you didn't feel like going out absolutely speaks volumes. This is not normal behaviour for a grown woman. She sounds extremely needy and manipulative.

Your Mum may look great for her age but all that expensive surgery clearly hasn't brought her happiness. She must be deeply insecure and I dare say lonely, if she feels the need to manipulate and bully you into socialising with her then spend the whole night putting you down in an attempt to make herself feel good. She sounds like a very sad individual. I would almost feel sorry for her if it weren't for the fact that her appalling behaviour is having a negative impact on you.

I agree with pp who said write her an email. Having a discussion face to face about this gives her the opportunity to cry, throw a strop and generally manipulate the situation. Tell her what she has done wrong, how is has made you feel. Then tell her in very clear terms what needs to change. For example, "Please do not discuss my Depression with others, that is private information" and " you need to respect my decision not to drink, whether or not you understand it" etc. You then need to explain that if she cannot agree to these requests, you will have to distance yourself from her in order to protect your own mental health.

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 11:08

Had to go round today to pick up my laptop. She was behaving as if nothing had happened. Feel like I imagined it.

OP posts:
Apatite1 · 01/02/2015 11:19

Your mother is a narcissistic arsehole. Either stick up for your self or stay away from here. You are merely facilitating her bad behaviour now, as she thrives on putting you down. I sometimes struggle to believe such people exists, but I guess they do!

Suzannewithaplan · 01/02/2015 11:22

classic controlling behaviour

TartinaTiara · 01/02/2015 13:28

I'd go with Gok's suggestion; start pulling her up on it. At worst, you won't have to deal with her shit. At best, you'll end up with a mother who actually enhances your life (which is how it's meant to work, you know that, right?) - it's got to be worth a punt.

MrsDeVere · 01/02/2015 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 01/02/2015 13:44

If there is a next time, follow through when you say be ready by x time or I'm not going - like you would with a small child.

So you say bye at 8.30 and go home even if she's throwing a wobbler and saying she'll not be your friend any more.

Stratter5 · 01/02/2015 14:49

I think you should seriously consider going NC, she's not a good role model for your DC. :(

GailTheGoldfish · 01/02/2015 14:57

I also thought it sounds she sounds more like a younger sister than a Mum. She sounds like a pissed version of Mother Gothel from 'Tangled'. Do you have any other friends or family you can lean on for support while you distance yourself from her? You need to protect yourself from her cruel behaviour and get some support to stand up to her. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 15:23

She won't ever admit she's wrong.

Today she said 'I'm going away for my birthday. I know you won't want to come.'

Damn right I won't.

I do have a really good friend I can lean on.

OP posts:
CerealMom · 01/02/2015 16:00

Get yourself over to Relationships/Stately Homes threads. It will be a real eye opener for you.

drudgetrudy · 01/02/2015 16:44

She sounds very immature and is putting you down to boost her own self-esteem.
She doesn't sound like a mother at all-more like a jealous "frenemy".
I would reduce contact and stop going out with her as a friend-find other friendships.
You already have friends-spend more time with them and less with your Mum.

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 01/02/2015 20:52

Thanks all - I will check out the stately homes thread too. If you hadn't all said yanbu, I'd have doubted myself, as she won't accept any blame.

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/02/2015 21:26

She sounds delightful.

Have you asked her why she gets off on making you feel shit?

Or why she thinks it's a good thing to force people to agree you look shit compared to her? Whether that's something a nice person does? Or a kind person does? Or even a vaguely attractive person?

It makes her ugly by behaving like that. And I suspect a lot of people would be missing and smiling whilst thinking 'what a foul woman, avoid, avoid!'

I suspect she'd embrace the drama and use it against you if you tried to talk to her about it, so maybe not feed the monster, if you'll gain nothing out of it.

Perhaps work on establishing boundaries and the art of saying 'no' whilst keeping the politeness. No which means no, and is not open to persuasion or hystrionics, and refuses to descend into argument or bitchfest.

Ugh, what an awful woman. Poor you.