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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he is still cheating

49 replies

bluesable3 · 29/01/2015 18:43

N/c obviously
Husband cheated last year with a business associate (not someone he works with but someone he sees a lot through work). After a separation and mediation, we got back together in the summer. He seemed sorry.

All seemed ok, a bit fraught at times. This week he has gone on a work jolly with a client at the last minute notice - gone til Monday. It is abroad. I don't know why, but I've suddenly become suspicious - he has only been on trips like this a handful of times. I dialled OW mobile number (easy to find online) and it is a foreign dial tone, same as his. She travels abroad now and again, so this isn't really substantial proof but possibly too much of a coincidence.

I think I know the answer, but I need help confirming it. Any idea what I could do? Rubbish at detective work and obviously if I ask, he will deny

OP posts:

DandyHighwayman · 29/01/2015 19:14

You don't trust him

Your marriage is dead in the water, proof or no proof

Sorry

TidyDancer · 29/01/2015 19:17

Does your DH have an iPhone? Can you check through that find my iPhone app whether he is actually where he said he would be?

TidyDancer · 29/01/2015 19:17

Also, what Dandy said.

ilovesooty · 29/01/2015 19:22

I agree with Dandy too.

Hatespiders · 29/01/2015 19:25

I'm afraid other pp are right, you're trust has been ruined by his past actions and now you can't relax when he goes abroad wondering if he's at it again.
This is what happens when a partner cheats; it's very very difficult, if not impossible, to get back to a trusting position.
Only you can decide if you can live with this anxiety or if it's time to draw the line and move on.
Everyone in this position finally reaches a point where they say to themselves "Enough!" Whether you're at that point is up to you.
I'm so sorry.

Charlotte3333 · 29/01/2015 19:28

I tend to think if you can't trust the person you're in a relationship with, you can't really have a relationship. It's a horrible thing to go through, something you absolutely do not deserve after giving him a second chance at marriage.

But don't let this be about you; this is him fucking up, this is him making those decisions.

babbityann · 29/01/2015 19:33

He did this. He needs to reassure you and will need to continue to do so for quite some time.
Good luck.

maddening · 29/01/2015 19:39

Can you or a friend look at her fb? He might be careful but she may be silly enough to post from her hols?

fluffyraggies · 29/01/2015 19:46

Yes, all the above. All this happened last year OP? It's only Jan now so that's not long ago. Still early days and he's gone off on a work jolly again. So soon.

Whether it's innocent or not it seems that he's quite happy to bugger off and leave you to fret. Of course you'll be uneasy. Not too helpful of him in the 'please trust me again' bid.

Original poster

bluesable3 · 29/01/2015 19:49

Not got a find my iPhone thingy
She isn't on facebook
He phoned and I asked outright and he started shout and hung up
Says he hates having to keep on reassuring me
Says he doesn't know where she is, in the UK or abroad
Says she could well be abroad. He has no idea (I haven't mentioned the dial tone)
Do you think there is any sort of private investigator I could use? I'm serious. I need proof so that if he is cheating, I know I am not wasting my time

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 29/01/2015 19:58

If you're considering a private investigator you might as well just start divorce proceedings.

Bettybodybooboo · 29/01/2015 20:02

he says he hates having to keep on reassuring me

Bastard. So sorry op he sounds nasty.

KatieKatie1980 · 29/01/2015 20:03

I really feel for you.

Did he confess to cheating on you or did you find out? If he was the one to confess and you two went through mediation..and he was sorry, I'd really like to think he isn't up to anything.

However, I've been there. I couldn't trust him after that and my instincts were right. But by that point, something had snapped inside and I simply didn't care anymore and got rid.

Just repeating what the majority have said about trust. It's hard to keep putting yourself through this each time and he absolutely shouldn't be shouting at you for asking outright. I get that he is frustrated at not being trusted..but hello?!! His fcuck up!!! What on earth does he expect?

I too needed to know if my ex was cheating and it was closure for me. Could you call the hotel where he is staying and ask to be put through to his room? See who answers..or if he is really staying where he says he is?

That aside, like I mentioned above... do you love him? Do you think you can keep going through this each time? He may well have turned over a new leaf but do you ever get that trust back? He should be well aware of the hurt he has caused and should be moving heaven & earth to make you feel reassured..not bloody shouting at you!

Nothavingfunrightnow · 29/01/2015 20:05

The fact that he shouted at you on the phone says lots, I reckon...sorry.

HedgehogsDontBite · 29/01/2015 20:07

If he hates having to reassure you then he shouldn't have betrayed you. Shouting at you makes him sound defensive and guilty.

I'm so sorry OP this is a really shitty situation to be in.

whatmess · 29/01/2015 20:09

Agree with ilovesooty, a private investigator is drastic and also a bit underhand. Sorry, but you both will have to accept that the trust isn't there at the moment and either work through that or not.
What would you do if the PI didn't find anything? Would that reinstate 100% trust? Unlikely and you can't pay for one over and over again. can you?
I don't think it means your marriage is over, but I do think you need to come to terms with the fact that you are going to question him for a while and he is going to have to do his best to show you he isn't cheating again.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be really hard.

KindleFancy · 29/01/2015 20:10

Phone the hotel and ask for her

babbityann · 29/01/2015 20:10

I have to agree with Nothaving, sadly.
He is not taking responcibility for what he has done nor facing up to the fact that you will mistrust him for some time yet. This is the legacy of his affair. He ain't out of the woods yet.

Jbop · 29/01/2015 20:16

Shouting and hanging up isn't good, especially if this is the first time you've accused/asked him. I can understand why you'd want proof before taking action, not sure how to get it though.

Could you ask one of his colleagues?

GokTwo · 29/01/2015 20:21

I was thinking that too Jbop. I can totally understand that you want proof one way or another. I would be tempted to do what KindleFancy suggests.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 29/01/2015 20:22

A relationship is like a piece of crisp white piece of paper.

You write your relationship on it, when he cheated he screwed up the paper.

The creases caused can not be ironed out. You can try and live with the paper as it it or burn it ( which is to end it completely)

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 29/01/2015 20:24

Call his company for details of his hotel, as you can't seem to get through to his mobile? They'll either tell you the details, tell you he isn't away for work as far as they know, or tell you he arranged his own accomodation so they can't be of any help.

Might work.

concretekitten · 29/01/2015 20:26

If it was me I'd need to know the truth, even if I decided it was over it would always play on my mind n wonder if she was there.

Try ringing the hotel and asking to be put through to her room.

Surprise DH and meet him at the airport when he lands.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 29/01/2015 20:28

Try ringing the hotel and asking to be put through to her room.

Or this.

MerryMo · 29/01/2015 20:33

The cost of a PI abroad would be more than you going yourself and "urprising" him. I expect you have kids though so are literally left "holding the baby" and unable to do this??

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