Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2

AIBU?

To think he is still cheating

49 replies

bluesable3 · 29/01/2015 18:43

N/c obviously
Husband cheated last year with a business associate (not someone he works with but someone he sees a lot through work). After a separation and mediation, we got back together in the summer. He seemed sorry.

All seemed ok, a bit fraught at times. This week he has gone on a work jolly with a client at the last minute notice - gone til Monday. It is abroad. I don't know why, but I've suddenly become suspicious - he has only been on trips like this a handful of times. I dialled OW mobile number (easy to find online) and it is a foreign dial tone, same as his. She travels abroad now and again, so this isn't really substantial proof but possibly too much of a coincidence.

I think I know the answer, but I need help confirming it. Any idea what I could do? Rubbish at detective work and obviously if I ask, he will deny

OP posts:

Report

Busty99 · 30/01/2015 07:27

My husband of 20 years did this. He had an affair with a woman he worked with. I suspected this due to him been attached to his mobile phone, he was always in 'meetings' or going away for 'golf days' and 'works dinners'. He never got a paper bill for his mobile but one month for some strange reason a paper bill arrived, it was 40 pages long and full of the OWs number, from the minute he woke up to the minute he went to sleep he was texting and calling her.
He said it was a mistake....he'd got a high profile job and was flattered by the attention!!!! Oh and I'd put weight on, didn't wear make up and wore flat shoes.....well that servers me right doesn't it, why shouldn't my husband have an affair if I'd done all those things!!!

Anyway to cut along story short, we struggled on for 18 months, but in all that time he was still seeing her. All the 'meetings, work dinners, work trips away' were all excuses to see her, go away for weekends etc with her.

We are now divorced, life is much easier now. Trust your instincts as you are probably right.

JapaneseMargaret · 30/01/2015 03:28

Company lodgings. Right...

This relationship is over.

One (that you know of) episode of cheating.
A reconciliation (which basically green-lights future cheating episodes, since you give the message that you're willing to forgive it).
Annoyance at having to 'reassure' you.
Shouting at having to 'reassure' you.
Not actually reassuring you.
The OW in the same country that your 'D'H has suddenly absconded to.
Your 'D'H unable to provide you with his accommodation details.

That's enough, right there, to leave. You don't owe this man anything. However, I do understand that it's not necessarily that easy. If you need to get proof, get proof. But it's not worth running yourself ragged, nor listening to his BS wheedling, in the process.

Good luck.

JustAnotherControlFreak · 30/01/2015 01:01

You don't know the name of these 'company lodgings' because he didn't want to tell you - whether you asked or not. Personally if I'd wronged someone and they had moved forwards with me I'd be giving them all the details they'd need, without being prompted, as a means of trying hard to reassure them that all was above board. I certainly wouldn't be getting angry about explaining my circumstances if I had nothing to hide. I hope that you can move onwards and upwards without him, OP.

concretekitten · 30/01/2015 00:16

OP I've PM'd you xx

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 29/01/2015 23:49

Says he hates having to keep on reassuring me

Tough shit! He created the mistrust, he needs to continue to build it until it's solid again, if he really cares. If he doesn't, and would rather shout at you - is that a relationship you can be in?

Ohfourfoxache · 29/01/2015 23:46

So you called, asked him and he shouted at you?

Sheesh, what a catch

Agree with ^ - you don't need proof, you need a solicitor.

You've posted in AIBU and you've had a pretty unanimous response. Can I suggest, if you want to, that you ask for this to be moved to relationships? There is a huge amount of support available and aibu can sometimes get a bit "tetchy".

Yanbu at all fwiw.

Summerisle1 · 29/01/2015 23:45

I think that the lengths you are prepared to go to in order to check exactly what he's up to are proof that actually, your relationship is dead in the water. There's no way that should you need phone up OW or consider employing a private detectives.

Basically, you can't live with this level of mistrust, OP. It's no sort of life.

DeeCayed · 29/01/2015 23:36

Would she likely be on the same flight home?

If she was, I'd probably go to the airport and hide out of the way and wait for their flight to come in and wait until everyone was through arrivals to see if they come off together or him/her separately.
It might be underhand but I wouldnt make myself look anymore of a mug than after the last time.

Backtobedlam · 29/01/2015 23:03

I can understand why you want proof. He's broken your trust so if it were proved he's telling the truth it would go someway to rebuilding that, if you have proof he's lying you can definitely end things...otherwise if it were me I'd be hovering and not be able to make myself take action. Agree with others about maybe calling work and asking for his number?

kilmuir · 29/01/2015 22:59

any reason you can not phone him again?

YellowTulips · 29/01/2015 22:53

Oh and don't use financial dependency as a reason to stay.

Focus your efforts on what support you can get without him to continue your studies rather than waste your energy (and money) on "proving" he's a faithless twit.

YellowTulips · 29/01/2015 22:51

I really don't get this need for proof...

Quite frankly if you have reached the point of needing a PI I'd say the relationship is well and truly fucked.

You can't trust him.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you constantly feel a deep seated anxiety about?

Ditch him (proof or not), reclaim your dignity and find someone who shares your ideals on partnership.

Tiptops · 29/01/2015 22:31

I agree with PP that this is no way to live. It's doubly unfair on you; living with these worries about what he's up to, and it was his terrible judgement that caused the situation in the first place.

He should be falling over himself to reassure you and put your mind at ease. Instead, he's shouting and going on the defensive.

I'm not sure about the dial tones etc, sorry, but the fact he caused this anxiety and doesn't want to reassure you and make it right is pretty damning by itself.

bluesable3 · 29/01/2015 22:23

Oops
i wish I could. I'm halfway through retraining in a profession that will pay well but DH is supporting me through my studies (career change as no employment in previous sector). We also have children.

I am not being naive. I think the evidence is pretty clear. I'm just trying to cover all my bases as he is v good at wrangling his way out of things. Is the dial tone and language definitive proof?

Ps he says it is not a hotel they are staying in but some sort of company lodgings. And I didn't get the name of it, stupidly

OP posts:

GokTwo · 29/01/2015 22:19

I have to say op if he was a decent man he would not be shouting at you in an impatient way like that after his previous behaviour anyway.

Bettybodybooboo · 29/01/2015 22:18

It's not so easy to just end a marriage though is it. We all know that op.

Personally the fact that he shouted at you seeks to me impatience/panic that he's guilty and he knows you suspect.

I would need to know too.

bluesable3 · 29/01/2015 22:17

It's an extremely com

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/01/2015 22:08

This is no way to live whether he is currently shagging some OW or not

End your marriage, get your life and self respect back

Sickoffrozen · 29/01/2015 22:02

Why not just do what you know you need to do?

Your marriage is over.

Don't waste any more time on this man.

Life can be better without cheats. I know lots of people make the effort and say how much better things are, but believe me my life is so much better than it was with my cheat.

hestialou · 29/01/2015 21:43

The difference in voicemail and the foreign answering thing, is likely to be change in oversea operator, ie in uk your are always on o2, but abroad it switches dependent on network. And different phone cos have different agreement re call connection. So stop worrying about that. I understand you are on edge of seat, not knowing is worse and sound like you just want the truth so can move on. Ask yourself this if you'd have split up last time would you be over him by now? If so cry, get as upset and talk to all your friends, but think of where you want to be in a month, 6 months or a years time. We all deserve to be happy and stress free xx

JustCallMeBridget · 29/01/2015 21:36

Pm me the number and I'll call and find out where she is :)

alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 21:28

whether he is cheating or not now is pretty irrelevant.

It doesn't seem like he has been trying to reassure you or acted with any transparency since. And now he is defensive.

You don't trust him, your marriage is over. Why torture yourself any further?

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

bluesable3 · 29/01/2015 21:22

Ok
So I phoned her number again
Same foreign dial tone (or whatever you call it) then through to her voicemail
But this time she rejected the call and then there was a message in a foreign language (don't want to out myself) saying "the number you've called..."(didn't get the last bit as I was in shock). The language of the country DH is in.

All pretty damning. I don't understand how phones work, but why did it go to voicemail when she didn't answer but went to a foreign message when she rejected the call. Any idea?

OP posts:

Optimist1 · 29/01/2015 20:36

Sorry you're going through this, OP, but I understand your need to know. As well as the hotel call (but worst case scenario they're sharing a room and have just registered in his name), could you call her company and ask to speak to her. If they say she's away on business, you can judge whether to ask if she's still in the city your OH is in (as if you're familiar with her movements) or not.

MerryMo · 29/01/2015 20:33

The cost of a PI abroad would be more than you going yourself and "urprising" him. I expect you have kids though so are literally left "holding the baby" and unable to do this??

Unflip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.