am I a 'pushy parent'?

[woffington]

One of the other mums noticed a children's activity book when I had a play date. Its one of these:

www.amazon.co.uk/Science-Becoming-Observer-Stage-Vordermans/dp/140536369X/ref=pd_sim_b_5?ie=UTF8&refRID=16D6GP0S9XEH0CW2GCCQ

She said it was too much on top of a school day. I also do ten minutes reading daily, and a page of activity from this style of book.

I do not drill teacher on dcs progress. In fact I only speak to teacher on parents day. DC also goes on lots of play dates.

DC is 5.

But i like dc to learn at home daily. Am I a mumzilla?

The thing is I'm Asian and (forgive the stereotype) but home education is the norm. A lot of the other parents are keen not to pressurise kids and say they don't do these activities, but then this is a popular book on amazon so lots must buy!

OK! Hands up! Who finds learning fun? I mean, in your spare time (other than mumsnetting) who sits and reads history books, war and peace, Ulam book, etc...

I do, but I need to set myself a daily goal. At first I find t dull and then I get into it. Its like eating your veg. Apparently you need to try certain foods out little and often before you develop a taste for it.

Also isn't an important lesson that life isn't all about skipping ropes and Peppa pig? Its all relative but so many young kids need to help out with siblings, paddy fields, etc, in other countries. I sometimes feel guilty about not being more magical. I do try though.

If they enjoy it, great, if you are forcing them, not great.

Pathways! Love it! Sure, piano opened up lots of pathways both good and bad! The good being that I have an excellent memory, the bad because I used to think up all sorts of mishaps for my little upright.

dd used to cry over her reading.... I had to limit her to reading three books to me and she howled as it was not enough.

she still comes home and reads books... lots of books. she begs for activity books. this is what she likes to do.

ds on the other hand... I have a special arrangement with school that he does his spellings there as he can not cope with learning at home. reading yes, writing he chooses but spellings no.

OP, I think the other mum was very rude to speak to you like that - shockingly, actually!
I think how much teaching one does (or doesn't do) at home is a really emotive topic for parents, and, although we're all just making it up and doing our best, there is a desperate desire to be getting it right. Too much - am I putting them off formal learning for life? Too little - will they fall behind their peers and start to struggle in school? It seems like there's a lot at stake. (When in fact, there probably isn't. My mom taught my brother loads at home, and me nothing at all, and we both did well academically.)
But I think for many people, fear and a desperate desire not to be getting it wrong leads them to belittle others' choices. I'm sure I'm guilty of this myself. I have a friend who drills her children with lots of academic learning at home. They are doing very well academically, and are happy, so what's the problem? But I find myself being very snippy about her approach when I discuss it with dh. Maybe on some level she makes me feel inadequate, and that I should be more like her! Fortunately, I am at least too polite to be rude about her approach to her face!

Yes I agree the other mum was very rude!

Re music and Asian parents.

Just don't cross the "line" abd it will be fine.
I recall sobbing at a piano lesson. Then getting punished for doing so because by telling the teacher I hated piano (I did) and only did it because I was told to, I had shamed the family.
There's the "academic hard work" and "family" ethos which is healthy and the "shame/failure" fear (including being bothered by others' opinions too much) which isn't.

You sound completely on the healthy side of that!

Disclaimer: yes I "can" say that being of mixed heritage. In case someone foes a face post assuming I'm making assumptions.
Been there, done that, didn't get bought the t shirt because I was too lazy and didn't deserve it, an uncle made a comment about my spelling...

it's hardly excessive, is it? I was accused of "hot housing" my kid when he was in nursery because I taught him to write and did workbooks with him at home. He would ask, we would do. We still have books but he rarely asks now he's in reception class. If he wanted to, I'd do it again. If your kid enjoys it then why not?

I like learning things too :)

Water? Derek, you big softy!

The music thing is interesting, I do think there is merit in learning to play an instrument young - but I wouldn't push it and make her practise for hours a day.

We do teach DD basic keyboard (letters on keys) and she has a guitar and drums DH bought her (he's a musician) but she's not so keen on them. She is desperate to learn the bagpipes (no idea why!) but no one will give lessons until they are 7. DD is only 5 so she's got a couple of years before she can start. People have suggested getting a chanter but it's not much use if no one can teach her how to play it.

You just need to look at the exercise as a comparison. That DVD called The Shred gives you results if you do it little and often. A lot of us see exercise as a chore, no pain no gain, but we do it as its good for us. Then we get into it and like it. Is learning very different from that?

I've been called pushy for doing similar. It doesn't bother me.

It's the sitting down and concentrating in a quiet environment (unlike a classroom) that I want.

It could be something easy and fun like drawing, or more intensive depending on everyone's moods.

Well I was never pushed in the slightest, and I do genuinely enjoy history books and War and Peace and as an adult I enjoy learning new languages for fun. But on the other hand, I do wish I'd been encouraged to continue with my music studies and regret giving them up early.

I think a lot of people have this sort of knee-jerk reaction against any sort of academics for young kids because "they should be spending their time roaming the meadows and jumping in puddles and doing nature rambles" etc. etc.

But in terms of opportunity cost, the academics are more likely to be taken out of TV and computer game time, IME.

As long as they're getting the meadow-rambling and puddle-jumping as well, over their lifestyle as a whole, it's all good.

I'm not that surprised that the woman who said this to you works in education--a lot of the Early Years stuff does seem really "against" academics in general.

Music is more than just a subject though. I'm keen to encourage the dds to play something and learn to read music because although I doubt they are going to be the next Lang Lang, being able to play music you enjoy is fun.

I do find learning fun! It's one of the things I like about my job (some of the other bits, not so much).

"Having a science activity book that you sometimes use with your child when you both feel like it is not particularly pushy. However, "Insisting" on additional "studies" every day for a 5 yr old even though they are 'reluctant' and you believe that 'learning is not all about fun' is pushy and very unusual, yes."

That's kind of my gut feeling as well. I have absolutely no problem with primary school kids doing "academic" type activities at home aside from set homework - I was the kind of child who asked for and spent hours stuck into a Junior Science Encyclopedia, I went to (ahem) gifted child camp, I did computer classes, I grew crystals with my chemistry set, I regular attempted to "write a novel", but I did all these activities because I was interested in them and asked to do them, not because my parents thought I "had" to or they would be "improving", or I had to do them for my own good before I was allowed to watch telly or anything.

The only non-school thing where I remember getting a bit of parental push was music practice, and that was more of the "but you really want to play the piano and you asked for lessons and you need to get through this bit so you can do the fun stuff" variety rather than "you need to learn the piano".

(actually - REVEALS SHAMEFUL PROG CHILD PAST - the exact words used were "I bet Rick Wakeman did his piano practice. If he had not done his piano practice he would not be able to play that music about King Henry VIII.".)

(also I am now in a band. I do not sound much like Rick Wakeman.)

Oh, and DS1 is 5 and has a small amount of homework. We do that, and if anything else interesting comes up in terms of reading, etc., that happens too, but I don't have "set learning time" outside of his homework.

Ha, though I have just remembered that my paternal grandmother accused my mum of "straining my brain" by teaching me to read at 3...

(again, though, she wasn't doing it because she felt I "should do some home study" - I was interested, so...)

Op, my dd really enjoyed these sort of work books and saw them as fun puzzles, esp the letts fairy ones...with stickers and so on.

I must admit this interest in the workbooks is waning now, but they did their job.

I usually gave them to her over longer holidays - summer and easter.

She would in her own time, do a few pages, and I never had much to do with it, except perhaps put them where she would see them and help her if she asked me.

So no! I dont think its pushy and if you child enjoys it why not.

I would rather any parent help, than a child be sat lost and falling further and further behind and becoming more and more disengaged in a class room.

I have helped my dd enormously over summer again, in literally 10 mins every few days with tables, and am going to start with division soon.

I am very aware that a certain approach can drag all the fun out of learning and at all costs want to keep it fun.

"I would rather any parent help, than a child be sat lost and falling further and further behind and becoming more and more disengaged in a class room. "

Oh God, so would I. I'm more thinking of a scenario with a kid who is succeeding in school but whose parents are giving them extra work to "give them an edge", or similar.

If they book is one of many play activities your DC can chose from and he/she chooses freely then YANBU If it's part of your idea of an educational programme when your DC would rather be doing something else then YABU and counter productive. Studies show that children grow up to become better life long earners the longer formal education is delayed, waiting till 7yo may have better results than pushing especially at a young age.

Just realised I didn't actually say in my earlier post that I do do some work books and stuff with dd, and she's not yet 3! I do more than some mum's I know, and less than others - so of course I secretly judge everyone who doesn't do exactly what I do!
But seriously, we just do handwriting and phonics ones. And we also listen to Jolly Phonics on youtube. Her pre-school teachers are mixed about it - some of them are really positive about her progress and say it's great we are putting the time in with her, as in their eyes many parents don't; but one of the managers clearly disapproves and thinks we are some kind of horrendous tiger parents of the worst kind, and is quite patronising to dh when he tries to discuss dd's learning with her.
Clearly it's a vexed issue which seems to really divide not just parents, but also those who work with children!

No idea why I stuck an apostrophe in mums there, by the way. Maybe I need some punctuation work books for myself!