to think we don't need to be constantly interacting with/ improving our kids

[deliverdaniel]

Disclaimer: I know that I was judging a random undeserving stranger in the park, and therefore IABU for this alone, but given that we all do this and I'm genuinely just curious to know whether her way is more normal/ better, or mine is and what other people do.

I was in the park the other day with my kids aged 4 and 1.5 My default setting in the park is to let the kids basically get on with it. I stay close by my one year old in case he falls/ hurts himself but other than that, I kind of assume they will play by themselves/ with each other and other kids and don't feel the need to interact constantly with me and I don't need to get or get involved in what htey are doing/ keep up a running commentary for them etc.

There was a woman there yesterday who had kids the same age as mine. SHe was following them everywhere, commenting on every single thing they did, every toy they picked up, praising every tiny little action eg "great picking up the truck!!" "is that a bucket? You've got a bucket? IT's a red bucket..." etc etc. She kept this up constantly for the whole 2 hours we were there. I know that talking to kids is good, and improves their verbal skills etc, but this just felt exhausting for her, and kind of annoying for the kids. So is my style neglectful or is hers OTT? would love to know what others do....

Yeah, it was only because she was in public/had an audience. I bet she can barely even remember their names when they are at home!

the whole world's gone to hell because people dare to speak to their own kids? That's weird because I thought all the data showed that we had a generation of poor children whose social and academic learning was stunted due to not being talked to by their parents.

Well I think the issue was that that data (eg Bucharest Study) was taken out of context and twisted into advice for parents who were doing a perfectly adequate job, hence you have parenting at the extremes.

e.g. "Oh look, this Romanian baby wasnt talked to and cant talk = "the evidence shows that If you dont buy a parent facing buggy or you dop controlled crying, your child will get speech delay/ become a sociopath"

It's all about the middle ground. Yes, of course talk to your kids, but that doesnt mean you have to spend all your time interacting with them, and leaving them to negotiate situations by themselves are also learning experiences.

You are being nasty for the sake of it. You saw someone you thought you could laugh at with other like minded types on here, introduced through a thinly veiled completely fake 'oh dear am I doing this wrong' question, then ripped people who, for whatever reason, talk to/ narrate their child's activities to bits. All because they are different. That isn't an interest in others' lives/ approaches/ ideas. That is being a mean cow for sport.

I do this when there is no one else around with mine. How else do you cope not talking for that length of time with no one else to talk to? When I am alone at home I am constantly talking to myself as well. I just like talking!

Our park is nearly always empty so I usually sit on the climbing frame/slide/house whatever it is thing with mine.

yep, you'd probably judge me the same if we were at the same playground. At home I absolutely leave Miss 21 months to her own play if she is cueing that she wants to be in her head (ie not clinging to my legs like a limpet and wailing). One of my friends was surprised when she came over for a playdate that I just leave the front door open (fully fenced section) for DD to play outside without me sitting out there with her constantly (I can see her at any point in the garden from one of the rooms).

But if out and about, especially if wearing her on my back, I talk to her quite a bit, tell her whats happening next, tell her abstract stuff about upcoming events that I am pretty sure she doesn't understand but wth talk about approaching dogs/cats/sights. Slight crossover with another thread I have posted on recently . . . I just feel its important to talk to her. If she's in a playground or situation with other kids, I tend to helicopter around especially if she is climbing, but more to step in if required with her and another child and a hot toy!

One thing that sprang to mind whilst reading this was the amount of times I have been in a playground with DD and watched a mum (I am assuming. Could be true for dads too, but have only ever seen 'female supervising adult') and her kids leave the car, as soon as the mum gets to the bench her nose is stuck in her phone with nary a glance at her children (yep, usually older). And I know however I write this its going to come across in a judgypants way, I know I'm just really aware of screentime and not being constantly online when I am around DD (its bloody hard!!), and I dunno, I am just noticing the distance between the mums and their charges.
And yes I totally get that this might be the only time she's able to check her email/fb/have a slight breather from warring siblings or whatever it is. It just stands out to me atm

DD had a speech delay and one of the things I was advised to do was talk to her all the time and add vocabulary to what she was saying. Eg DD: go on slide - me: you want to go on the big blue slide. Etc.

So you probably would have judged me too OP as being OTT, but I am completely happy that I was parenting in the best possible way.

Even a child without speech delay will benefit from a parent who is engaged with them whilst they play. I can't believe this could possibly be fodder for judginess.

It does depend on what you are doing. When I was at home I was more like you as I would want a break and would be more inclined to think leave me alone you are doing my head in.

When I am at work it is a novelty and fun to do things with them as I am not really around for the stressful bits so I like to play, talk and do activities with them.

I know what you mean, when that sort of approach seems really ott it can be a bit grating at times. However, all children and parents are different. My Dd is an only and was very, very shy as a little girl. She would never have strayed from my side until she was about 5 and so I was right near her at the park the whole time otherwise she wouldn't have played on anything at all! I don't like the loud constant comments though and would talk quietly to her as we were playing.

Later on she was more than happy to be playing off by herself and I did what you do.

There is no right or wrong here. What you were doing was fine for your DC, at that time, what she was doing was also fine. She may have gone home, plonked them in front of the TV and ignored them for the rest of the day, while you did something fun, and interactive with your DC, who knows.

Yup- agree. They learn stuff from interaction and they learn stuff from negotiating situations on their own. 100% of either is not optimal but a mix is fine, and you only ever see a snapshot of someone's parenting.

Well it's lunchtime, my children are eating and watching a DVD while I mumsnet. They have been at school all morning, and I've been food shopping / cleaning bathroolms / ironing / washing / scrubbing muddy boots / sorting out some admin I do for a charity. We are all kinda tired, and hungry, and some switch-off-in-front-of-a-screen time helps recharge the batteries. Because sometimes, just sometimes, proactively interacting with my children feels like yet one more job to do. And who knows, maybe they want to peace from adults, even me, talking at them. So I try not to guilt too much about being in the same room, different focus. In a minute or two, I'll take them some yoghurt, sit down and have a chat. Or they'll come and sit on my knee.

My mum is an ex-primary teacher, she never stops teaching them stuff! When they were babies she was exactly like the over-enthusiastic parent in the OPs example. I did a mix of both, when they were babies I did a lot of teachery style interaction, as they got older (and better and climbing) I left them to it as much as possible in parks. NO right or wrong, just what works for you.

nellyinwellies

If you had any idea how much time I spend agonising over whether I am doing the right thing by my own kids/ genuinely doubting my own approach (not just about this but really about pretty much all of it) and how much I welcome the chance to come on here for genuine discussion of these things I think you might want to rephrase that attack. We live abroad, I am home all day with my kids, know few people and don't have the chance to discuss this stuff with friends/ family etc. I think discussing/ venting about parenting generally is healthy for all of us. You must feel the same or why would you be on mumsnet at all and especially commenting on AIBU. You are making some pretty big (and false) assumptions about my character and motivation here.

"Mean cow" / "crap parenting" /nasty . Really?? For thinking/ wondering something in my own head and asking about it on an anonymous forum?

I am generally a grumpy old moo these days but funnily enough, loud parenting like this doesn't bother me. I think YANBU but actually I'd watch a 4 year old carefully in a playground from an accident point of view (admit I'm anxious about this but there we are).

I didn't say your parenting was crap. I said it was a 'competitive crap parenting' thread. You know, as opposed to the 'gather round whilst I tell you just how marvellously superior my parenting is' type. And if you genuinely need reassurance in how much you talk to your child in the park then I hope the many kind replies you've recieved have put your mind at rest. I however still call laughing unnecessarily at a fellow mother.