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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we don't need to be constantly interacting with/ improving our kids

64 replies

deliverdaniel · 28/01/2015 19:21

Disclaimer: I know that I was judging a random undeserving stranger in the park, and therefore IABU for this alone, but given that we all do this and I'm genuinely just curious to know whether her way is more normal/ better, or mine is and what other people do.

I was in the park the other day with my kids aged 4 and 1.5 My default setting in the park is to let the kids basically get on with it. I stay close by my one year old in case he falls/ hurts himself but other than that, I kind of assume they will play by themselves/ with each other and other kids and don't feel the need to interact constantly with me and I don't need to get or get involved in what htey are doing/ keep up a running commentary for them etc.

There was a woman there yesterday who had kids the same age as mine. SHe was following them everywhere, commenting on every single thing they did, every toy they picked up, praising every tiny little action eg "great picking up the truck!!" "is that a bucket? You've got a bucket? IT's a red bucket..." etc etc. She kept this up constantly for the whole 2 hours we were there. I know that talking to kids is good, and improves their verbal skills etc, but this just felt exhausting for her, and kind of annoying for the kids. So is my style neglectful or is hers OTT? would love to know what others do....

OP posts:
Lucked · 28/01/2015 20:51

I have tried on occasion to stand back but mostly my just 3 year old wants me near him and he talks constantly to me so I do talk to him. He isn't much of a dare devil at the park and would rather create things in the sand but wants a story to go with it. I would also worry about my 1 year old falling over or climbing on things when she has only being walking for a few weeks.

Do you not all get freezing cold sitting on a bench?

BreakfastAtStephanies · 28/01/2015 20:53

I used to sing nursery rhymes ( old and more modern ) with my DCs when I pushed them on the swing in our garden but also in the park if nobody else was there to hear me !
Also we had a game when after they came down the slide I would chase them around pretending to be a bull with fingers as horns and snorting. Again if nobody else was there. Trouble is if you start that kind of thing they want you to do it every time. It was hugely fun and exhausting but never boring. I didn't talk to them in the park.

RiverTam · 28/01/2015 20:56

she might be a full time WOHM who has a rare day off midweek to spend with her DC and wants to make the most of it. In the park I leave DD to her own devices most of the time, DH is much more 'with' her - because he doesn't see that much of her working full time, so he really throws himself into it when he is with her.

The speech delay thing sounds pretty plausible.

grannytomine · 28/01/2015 20:57

Children need to be able to get on with things by there selves as well as having us interact with them. It's only healthy and to not let them is not going to do them any favours when they get older.

I call it benevolent neglect. Worked well with mine.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 28/01/2015 21:00

thanks everyone!

We don't live in Stoke Newington, but in a very equivalent area abroad. I think this is a massive trend here, so have started to become very aware of it.

I agree- of course we should all be interacting with/ talking to/ playing with our kids and this is definitely better than no interaction. I guess it's the type of interaction which seems so OTT to me- ie following them around to deliberately narrate everything they are doing/ comment on every little thing/ give praise for the tiniest things, when they just seem to be happy getting on with it. Just seems to set up a weird dynamic and gives them no personal space to just get on and explore and be themselves without their mum hovering over them (obv I don't know what she's like at home/ elsewhere)

FWIW she was definitely the mum and not the childminder (we had a v brief conversation in between helicoptering) I don't think the kids had speech delays/ SN although obv can never be sure. They had very similar speech to my kids of the same age. Although I guess you could also interpret that as they had severe delays before and all the interacting had completely cured them!

Thanks for replies- love hearing everyone else's take on it.

OP posts:
Willferrellisactuallykindahot · 28/01/2015 21:16

OMG, she was talking to her kids. What an arsehole.

Hmm
RonaldMcFartNuggets · 28/01/2015 21:33

Who says we sit on the bench? I follow my ds around as he's 2 and needs supervision but I don't narrate his whole visit to the park.

He loves doing his own thing and is physically v active but then when he's concentrating on something we have a chat.

Just because we aren't constantly talking at them doesn't mean we sit on the bench I wish I could

minipie · 28/01/2015 21:35

Oh FFS. So now mothers get judged for being too interactive.

Maybe her child responds well to lots of interaction? I know my DD does. She will usually play happily by herself, and I appreciate this is an important life skill, but she bloody loves it if I talk to her about what she's up to (you would call it "constant narration", I call it a conversation). She's a very chatty child and loves talking more than just about anything else never shuts up. So, when I have the energy, I chat to her.

I don't think I'm a better parent because I interact more with my child. I don't think you're a better parent because you interact less. Different strokes for different folks (and, importantly, for different children).

Spoonme · 28/01/2015 21:36

How do you know the child didn't have a speech delay and the carer was taking advice from a therapist to practise interactive turn taking?

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 28/01/2015 21:46

spoonme

As I mentioned in my pp I don't know that the children didn't have a speech delay, but there was nothing obvious- she was doing it with both kids and they both had speech very comparable to my kids of the same age (although I acknowledge that that may be because of her technique/ interaction and without it they might have been very behind)

OP posts:
Saz12 · 28/01/2015 21:47

At 1.5 my DD was super-clingy and very shy, so if I hadn't given her some encouragement she'd've been with me on the bench and not played at all. I don't need to hover about her now, though.
It's very tricky to know what the back-story is so I'd be disinclined to think of it as a different "parenting style".

Willferrellisactuallykindahot · 28/01/2015 21:48

A poster got her arse absolutely handed to her on a plate earlier today for saying that she didn't like seeing kids plugged into iPads in restaurants.

But judging parents for interacting with their kids - well that's not so bad, I mean who the fuck do they think they are, these parents who are talking to their kids eh?

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 28/01/2015 21:52

I do walk around the supermarket and places, pointing everything out to DD who is 9 months old. And yes, I will sit and play with her for hours, and probably will continue to do so.

I don't judge parents who sit and let their kids get on with it, so why judge parents who prefer to be a bit more hands-on?

MrsCs · 28/01/2015 22:29

I'm in between really, I can be a bit of a big kid and I love creating silly games with my lo. We have 'abra cadabra' at the moment (he's nineteen months old) where we point at each other and say something like tractor or cow and you make the associated noise. Very daft but great fun!

When we are at the park I let him climb independently but he likes me to wait at the bottom of the slide and clap.

I am trying to encourage him to play a bit by himself so he will interact with other children and because I'm 32 weeks pregnant!

PunkyBubba · 28/01/2015 22:33

While I appreciate you've said you don't believe these children have a speech delay or any special needs, the type of things you've said this woman was saying sound exactly how I interact with my 3 year old DS who has a severe speech disorder. I have been told to give a running commentary and as someone else has already said you have to repeat key words, etc. Just because the child was talking doesn't necessarily mean they don't have a speech disorder that you couldn't identify in the short period of time you were watching.

I also would be incredibly hacked off if anyone felt they had the right to judge how I interact with my DS I would love the luxury of being a laid back parent, and do try to let him play independently, but have actually been advised not to as he also has social and communication delays, so have to engage with him as much as possible. And yes, it is exhausting. Sad

PenguinVox · 28/01/2015 23:09

I like chatting to my children! When we're at home i'm usually distracted by housework, cooking, washing up etc. There is always something that needs doing in the house. So when we're out of the house i feel like that's time i can chat/play with them properly with no distractions. I didn't realise people might judge me for that! Just seems normal to me.

maddening · 28/01/2015 23:11

I only have one dc and when we go to the park he wants me to play - not in a teachy way - I am assigned a role usually a baddy - he is a super hero and we have to chase around a lot often in the shrubby bush area - he refuses the play equipment so I am usually in the bushes with him - so end up looking weird as he often can't be seen below bush level so from outside I am a random woman in the bushes.

If I had 2 or more dc it might be different and I may be redundant from the super hero games or occasional other role play type stuff he likes but as it is he loves me playing his games - I do sometimes wish he would let me push him on the swing or go on the play equipment with me watching but generally it isn't what he wants.

FixItUpChappie · 28/01/2015 23:19

I don't think her ways is wrong nor your either. Horses for courses and all that.

I am anxious my 4 year old will fall on the high equipment so I helicopter -that is me. When I'm certain he is more competent on that equipment I may back off...or I may want to play with him because I miss him all day when I'm at work. I wouldn't be wrong either way.

Nellyinwellies · 28/01/2015 23:20

Stop being so fucking judgemental. Does it in anyway affect you? Really? And well done for ignoring your children all afternoon. I do love a good competitive crap parenting love in.

SweetsForMySweet · 28/01/2015 23:36

YABU for judging another parent for their parenting style. Each to their own, she parents her dc as she does and you are criticizing her because she does it differently from you.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 29/01/2015 03:03

Stop being so fucking judgemental. Does it in anyway affect you? Really? And well done for ignoring your children all afternoon. I do love a good competitive crap parenting love in.

Nice.

No, of course it doesn't affect me directly, although I think it would be a pretty strange and narrow world if we only ever noticed/thought about/considered things with a direct effect on us. Although I do think that parenting trends/norms do affect us all indirectly. Thanks also for the crap parenting dig. Do you honestly think what I have described here in how I act with my kids at the park constitutes 'crap parenting?'

OP posts:
chaiselounger · 29/01/2015 05:09

Does it affect me? Yes I think it does.

Because we have a generation of completely indulged children, helicopter parented.
And I think it's actually swung so far that way, that we've made a mistake with this generation of children.

I only hope that in time it becomes a bit more balanced.

Plarail123 · 29/01/2015 05:16

YABU NOYB.

limegoldfinewine · 29/01/2015 05:52

Really? the whole world's gone to hell because people dare to speak to their own kids? That's weird because I thought all the data showed that we had a generation of poor children whose social and academic learning was stunted due to not being talked to by their parents. Of course, actual documented inequality is not as fun as the imaginary downsides conjured up by nostalgia and a bit of good old fashioned British inverse snobbery.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 29/01/2015 06:01

That is exactly how you are told to speak to your child if they have a speech delay btw.

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