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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I'm the shelf and will never get married or have children?

79 replies

saveyourtearsforthepillow · 27/01/2015 22:28

I'm 26 almost 27 .... all my friends but about 2 are either married or have a long term partner and quite a few have children now.

I just don't think it will happen for me.

It seems to happen so easy for some people. Which I know it probably doesn't but ..

I almost feel embarrassed by it.

OP posts:
MouseInTheSkirting · 28/01/2015 00:06

I didn't meet my husband til I was 36. Just had a child at 38. Of course you're not 'on the shelf' you've got years of disastrous dates to wade through Wink

wyamc · 28/01/2015 00:09

you've got years of disastrous dates to wade through

Yes I had a kiss a fair few frogs. Go on, give us a hint as to what kind of person you'd be interested in. Maybe we can find some likely places they might me.

Only1scoop · 28/01/2015 00:10

Wow you are so young to feel like that....in my circle of work friends none of us settled down until mid to late 30's ....we are all 40's with little ones.

EatShitDerek · 28/01/2015 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 28/01/2015 00:19

Feeling excluded in your social circle is horrible however old you are.

Postchildrenpregranny · 28/01/2015 00:24

Met husband a month after my 30th birthday answered an ad in the New Statesman ( I know, I know ). Ancient equivalent of Internet. The rest, as they say, is history.
I was at a good place in my life-loved my job, had recently bought my own house, loads of friends, interests . In fact I couldn't meet him for two weeks after he rang me as I was too busy . .He said I gave off such a happy vibe , I was irresistible and he 'knew' straight away (he was fairly recently divorced and I refused to rush into anything but I think we both knew .)It was A Mr Right at The Right Time . Concentrate on being happy without a DH . If it happens, it happens . There are worse things in life than not having a partner or , indeed, children . Any yes I know its easy for me to say that

LilMissSunshine9 · 28/01/2015 00:28

Meh I'm 32 and still single but the way I see it is that my friends who are married with kids - all they really do is complain about picking up after lazy husbands and never having 'me' time so I just enjoy being single because the grass is not always greener on the other side.

GretnaGreen · 28/01/2015 02:20

When I was 26 my friends were starting couple up and have children. I remember feeling exactly the way that you do now. I met my now husband at 33 and we were married last year. The right relationship is well worth the wait.

GretnaGreen · 28/01/2015 02:20

(I am approaching 40.)

Original poster
saveyourtearsforthepillow · 28/01/2015 02:34

Go on, give us a hint as to what kind of person you'd be interested in. Maybe we can find some likely places they might me.

I think I've already met my perfect man.

He even said to me I'm not like any other woman he knows - as in we can hold a conversation (first time we spoke on the phone was for 2 hours) and talk about books.

It's never progressed though and I very much doubt it will now.

I don't think I'm good enough for him.

OP posts:
FoxgloveFairy · 28/01/2015 03:28

I give my siblings and I as an example. My younger sister. Married at 21, mother to two by 24 years. Married over 25 years and still very happy, but struggled hugely in the early years. I met my husband at nearly 26, married at 28. Still together 22 years later. Very, very happy. My brother didn't marry until he was 40. My sister in law was 35. 15 years later, three kids and very happy. Actually though, I think my brother especially found small kids more tiring than he would have 10 years earlier, but hey ho! I guess my point is that you have plenty of time. I understand women seem to feel more pressure re. this, but especially these days, women can and are happily and safely marrying and having kids later. So many opportunities for women these days. At 25 I decided I would almost surely never marry, and contemplated a whizz bang life of travel, meaningless affairs ( possibly with Simon Le Bon )and high flying career.No idea how that was to occur since it hadn't prior to this! Then a few months later I met Mr Fox, and have absolutely no regrets except that our 24 years together has gone so quickly.Also has included some travel and a career but no meaningless affairs!

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 28/01/2015 03:53

SaveYourTears'

My darling, my lovely young woman, don't waste your tears on stupid young men, God, to be 26 again, goodness, all that promise. I hated my 20's, they were full of angst & pain & foolish choices. They were also full of youth, and beauty and life, if only I'd seen it.

Do not waste these precious years on wishes.

Do not waste these precious years at all.

Treasure.

Taste.

Use.

They don't come back you know. Men will always be there. Youth won't.

Coyoacan · 28/01/2015 04:19

I think you've got to count your blessings and get on and enjoy life. If you meet someone lovely great and if you don't, well it is better than marrying some appalling asshole.

You have this amazing gift that is life and you should live it well and to the full.

I have a dd but split up from her father before she was born an I never met anyone else. I had two choices, I could have spent my time lamenting what I didn't have or I could enjoy what I do have and I opted for the second.

ChippingInLatteLover · 28/01/2015 04:26

Blimey.

...plenty of time for weddings & babies, go and enjoy your life! Travel, find a career you love, pursue hobbies & a few unsuitable men. Do a ski season, a summer season...go live in NZ. Whatever, just enjoy your youth!

I split up with my long term partner at 24. I felt so old, so 'behind' all my friends, much as you do. But once I got back on my feet Life took off and I have no idea where the last 20 years went.

So seriously, stop moping about and get out there and give yourself memories to look back on! Life goes much, much too quickly to waste it x

Thumbwitch · 28/01/2015 05:05

I just knew,before I opened this thread, that the OP was going to be pretty young.

I split from my longterm BF when I was 28. Even then I didn't think "that's it, it's all over for me, I'll never find another one to marry etc." Hmm

As it turns out, it took a few years - met DH when I was 35, had DS1 at 40, DS2 at 45 (Not ideal, it just took that long to get a "sticker" the second time around).

Come back in 10 years time and complain then if you've still not met anyone.

Eastpoint · 28/01/2015 05:06

Do you have a lot of financial obligations? Can you make the most of not being tied down & travel for a few months/do VSO? What can you do to celebrate your independence?

JessieMcJessie · 28/01/2015 06:22

I'm struggling to think of a single one of my friendship circle that was married at 26 and I definitely didn't have any who had children. That is a very common age to be just starting out in a career if you've been to University, possibly moving to a new city. I had a boyfriend at 26/27 and it was a serious relationship but I'd have been horrified if he had suggested that we get married. Nobody was really doing that till round about the 30-32 mark and that still seems quite young to me.

Perhaps think about using your footloose and fancy free status to move cities/countries or retrain in a new career or take up a new activity and you'll be amazed at the opportunities that pop up and people you meet at a similar life stage. If on the other hand you stay put the you'll constantly be measuring yourself against those who have already settled down. It's not that they have done the wrong thing but there are so many other perfectly fulfilling ways to live your life and you have so much time on your hands.

meandjulio · 28/01/2015 06:22

Well, not all relationships progress. If you are tearing your heart out over someone, it's hard to be happy and meet someone else. Is he married? If not, have you asked him out?

I felt on the shelf at 24, looking back. I spent a while trying to force my boyfriend at the time to marry me - now THAT would have been disastrous, which he sensibly knew and dumped me. I then married my next boyfriend. Also disastrous as we wanted completely different things. You need to know what YOU want in a relationship and in life. It's interesting that your description of your perfect man describes how you fitted/don't fit his ideas of the perfect woman, not whether you thought he fitted yours.

goldopals · 28/01/2015 06:23

I feel the same way.

PunkrockerGirl · 28/01/2015 06:34

I didn't meet dh till I was 29 and we wet on to have 2 dc.
You're not being silly at all if it's what you want. You're still very young and in sure it will happen. Nothing wrong with internet dating either, it's worked really well for several of my friends.

partialderivative · 28/01/2015 06:42

I remember buying a box of condoms at about 26, I had to throw them away 5 years later as they had passed the use by date

Floisme · 28/01/2015 07:16

I was just like your friends at 27 - in a settled relationship. Then out of the blue, I was single at 29 and I stayed that way till I was 41. When I was in my thirties, I went through exactly what you're going through now so I don't think you're being silly at all. I haven't really got any words of wisdom for you other than that life throws curve balls at you all the time and nothing is ever settled till you're dead.

londonrach · 28/01/2015 07:22

At 26 i dont think any of my friends were in settled with long term boyfriend. That and kids happened in their 30s. Enjoy your 20s as believe me you never know whats around the corner. I suspect within 10 years you be married with children....

tryingtofindausername · 28/01/2015 07:22

Hi Op
I think you have quite an unusual peer group if you are the last one left single. It's swaying your thoughts to thinking you are the unusual one, whereas you really aren't.

A few of my friends settled down in their early/mid 20s (me too). We are all divorced now. All. Most didn't settle down until their early/mid 30s, some late 30s, and those marriages are all intact. One of my friends didn't have any relationships at all until she was 38. She felt there was something wrong with her and that she'd never have a husband and family. She is now happily married and has two lovely children.

It happens at different times for different people. Early isn't always good. In my experience, it's more likely to have a bad outcome.

echt · 28/01/2015 07:24

I didn't meet DH until I was 36, and wasn't looking to sprog/marry. I only co-habited once for about two years before him. Never felt on the shelf, but have never separated children from the means of support, i.e. a reliable OH.

This is not a critique of single parents, but I know my limits, and am as sure as I can be that I was/am better parent for being financially comfortable.

To answer the OP, if you're feeling wobbly at such a young as you are, beware of making unsound decisions. You have plenty of time. Actually, even if you had no time at all, it isn't worth shacking up/sprogging in haste.