To be annoyed that my friend doesn't understand how skint I am?

[wickedlazy]

We're both 22.

I'm a sahm to ds aged 4. Live in a council house with ds and dp. Dp has low income, minimum wage job. I get some benefits. I pay bills, get food shopping, pay tv/phone internet package (got a good deal) and then all the costs of having a child. New clothes, the odd trip to cinema/days out, his birthday, christmas etc. It all adds up, and on a good week I have some money left for me.

Friend works ft in a highly paid job, still lives at home, and contributes the bare minimum. Her parents still buy all her food /toiletries (she does buy her own make up) etc as part of the monthly shop. They pay all the bills and stuff. She has almost her whole wage to spend how she likes.

My problem is, she keeps asking me to do things, and I keep having to explain that I don't have the money. That a "cheap" night out to her, is the cost of buying my son a new pair of shoes (another thing he genuinely needs atm).I'm happy enough to stay in, as I have home comforts (heat/electric), but she gets bored staying in all the time. Sometimes I will say no to doing something with her, to use that money to do something with dp (we don't get out together much). This puts her into a huff, "oh but you have the money to go out with him". She has now decided she wants to go to a gig soon. She keeps texting me links "ooh tickets are only £20". I just don't have that spare at the minute. I know if I say no, I can't afford it she will go into a major huff with me, and be really snippy. And she keeps mentioning girls weekends away (when dp and I can't afford to take my son away for the weekend). It's got so bad now if I dye my hair (prematurely grey and it looks awful if I don't) with a £3.99 home dye it's "oh I thought you had no money".

Should I have to justify what I spend my (little) amount of leftover cash on? I do make the effort to meet her for a cheap lunch when I can, and offer to go for walks etc but she doesn't like walking. Or I invite her here but as I said she gets bored of sitting in. Aibu to be getting so annoyed and frustrated with her, or is she being a bit selfish? How do I handle this? She is a good friend, apart from this. There was one occasion she said "we need to get a night out soon". And I agreed "when I have the money". 3 weeks later, she rung to arrange the night out. I didn't have the money yet, and she was horrible about it "it's been 3 weeks, you agreed we would go out soon" and made me feel like shit/about an inch tall. I was nearly crying over it.

Oh and she doesn't have any one else to go out with.

I'd tackle it head on - "Sorry Friend, but I really can't do x, y or z. Things are tight at the moment and I have to prioritise. It's nothing to do with you and I wish I could afford it. Feel free to come round and have a few drinks with us here. Things may be different in a few weeks/months and then I'd definitely be up for it."

And the reason she doesn't have anyone else to go out with is because of all the behaviour you listed above. Personally, I would distance myself a bit - she clearly isn't listening, and is spoilt and has no concept of the realities of your life. Why not try finding some friends in similar situations to you instead, who are happy to have a girls night at home with a DVD and a bottle of plonk instead? Just as much fun (and probably more fun than worrying about how much money you're spending while you're out). I'd be quite frank with her and say 'please don't invite me to things going forwards, I just can't afford it and it seems to annoy you when I have to say no, so let's just skip the whole conversation'.

God, she sounds awful She is definitely being selfish.

For the sake of maintaining the friendship, if there is good stuff you like about her, I would probably explain in more detail about the money. Just calmly, without any proper detail, but say that you really can't afford to do these things with her. That you like her and you want to keep seeing her but you can't afford dinner out, or a gig.

Though if it was me there would come a point where I'd end up a bit PA and be asking her which part of "I have no money" she didn't understand...

I guess she has no one else to go out with because she is a massive tool? You are a grown woman, and it has fuck all to do with her or anyone else what you spend your money on...that's the case if you have £20 or £20,000. Stop feeling guilty and maybe get some new mates who are not dickheads?

I sounds like the two of you have totally different lives and totally different priorities and would be better finding alternative friends with similar priorities.

I have tried the head on approach, but it just goes right over her head. And as for "things might be different in a few weeks or months" they never are, I'm living week to week, and saving for a hundred different things already, but pretty happy with my life, and debt free. I try explaining "I just can't afford things like x y z" which is awkward and uncomfortable, and makes her quite huffy and snippy. Then a week later she will text "oooh do you want to go to x y or z!" Then I start to feel crappy and upset by my circumstances

You are in a difficult position. But I feel quite sorry for your friend. It's not your fault in any way. I agree with inviting her round to watch a DVD and perhaps have a light meal in. Or similar that doesn't cost much. She sounds really lonely.

Yes move on. You are a grown up mother and wife while she's still a kid. Get friends in similar situations to you.

Isn't she boring company too op? Can't imagine what u have in commen to talk about really.

I think it can be difficult for a person who has never been in the situation where money has to be carefully budgeted to make ends meet, to understand what it's like.

I'm in a similar situation in that most of my friends earn more than me, and are married to husbands who also have a good income. Where there are two of them to pay the mortgage/rent, bills etc. I'm doing that myself. This leaves me with far less disposable income. It's difficult because I want to go out for dinner, weekends away etc. whenever it is suggested but I have to be really strict with myself that I just can't keep up with my friends and have to choose which things to take part in and which to leave. But then I feel bad if I buy myself a new skirt (very rarely buy clothes and desperately need some new ones) when I've declined an invite on financial grounds.

Sometimes I think the only way to get your situation across is to explain, I have X amount left this month, and I have X amount of bills to pay. That means I have £40 remaining for this month after essentials are paid for, and I can't always spend that on an evening out with you even though I'd absolutely love to.

Your friend needs to find other friends to go out on the town with, and should be happy to have a lovely time catching up at your house.

You are in completely different places and this happens. She is living a very sheltered life without any responsibilities and, quite frankly, it is adding to her immaturity but she shouldn't be putting pressure on you to do things that are unaffordable right now. Neither does she have any right to comment on whatever you do choose to spend your money on. I'd consider letting this friendship drop if she isn't prepared to accept that you simply don't have either the money or the inclination to do the things she wants to do.

I think it's the case that you now have totally different lives and it's probably time to move on. FWIW my dd is almost the same age as you and your friend and has the same sort of life as your friend, her friends have similar lifestyles I think that's what bonds them together tbh. Friends from school who have families and have settled down seem to have drifted away probably because their commitments don't allow them the same lifestyle.Not saying either choice is wrong just different.
I'm not surprised your friend hasn't established other friendships though to join her on her nights out as she doesn't sound particularly nice.

It sounds very difficult, and I can see how it makes you feel crap.

Time for one last conversation, I think, where you explain that a) you don't have the money in general, and b) you're not going to have the money in the foreseeable future because you have a house and a DC that comes first. And then I would ask her, quite point blank, what she thinks she will achieve by being snippy about it. Being snippy isn't giving you money. Forgetting your circumstances isn't being a good friend.

Friendship isn't about material things but having been in your friend's position once or twice throughout my adult life, if I felt I had plenty of money and a friend was struggling then I'd take them out to dinner. Not regularly (obviously you can easily step into that awkward, almost patronising situation) but just once, as a treat.

I used to have a friend like this. I was on mat leave from work so not a lot of money and constantly expected to go out. I'd suggest going to one another's for coffee or lunch but was never good enough. I finally snapped when she said "but you chose to have a child". Yes I did which means I go without so my child gets food in her belly! If you still want to be friends just tell her she could always treat you to this super cheap gig she's banging on about

I am a much older working mum but this stuff annoys me too ! It's a real stress trigger when I am asked on

Nights out
Girls weekends
Mini breaks

And all I can say is no ,no and no

I would actually prefer to be NOT invited as saying no makes me feel both guilty and a bit frustrated

However this girl has no excuse and you need to have a firm conversation and nail once and for all . Rehearse first ! And prepare for aonumemtal huff !

and she doesn't have anyone else to go out with mmm wonder why?

She's being very very selfish. Of course you shouldn't have to justify what you spend your spare cash on. I would just tell her basically what you have told us, and if she doesn't like it then I would withdraw from her to be honest.

Maybe if she really doesn't get it you need to start saying, "Yes, I'd love to, you paying?" I bet that'll stop her badgering you!

I'm sorry but what she wants isn't to spend time with you doing whatever but someone to accompany her to her preferred activities. She's rude as hell and that is the reason she has no-one else. You have nothing to feel bad about, you have not done anything wrong, you shouldn't be embarrassed and no you are not being unreasonable to be annoyed

fromparistoberlin- it doesn't make me feel stressed at all saying no to nights out, girls weekends etc.

Nights out on the lash just don't do it for me. My best friends all enjoy the same thing as I do- a cheap lunch or a coffee somewhere, a walk, small picnic or BBQ at our homes, trying out a new yoga class for fun.

My good friend is ultra rich, but she is always the one to suggest coffee and cake at a cafe at a local garden centre ( she always buys a huge selection of cakes for us and plonks the plate in the middle of the table)- the chat and the laughter is more important than the venue.

I think she is being unreasonable, and I'd be tempted to do a slow fade.

If you want to maintain the friendship, could you try taking the initiative? E.g. 'hey, let's go to this restaurant on Thursday, I've got a 2-for-1' or even more explicitly 'I've got £2 (or £10 or £20 or whatever) fun money, and I want to spend it on seeing you, what shall we do?'

An alternative, which a friend of mine does, is to find 2-for-1 offers, so you can go together, she can pay but her costs are no different than if she went alone. Having been on both sides of the situation, I've been happy to pay but not happy to ask for someone else to pay, so I'm just putting it out there!

What I find so weird about this is that I've been on both sides of this coin numerous times in my adult life as friends returned to education while I worked full time, they worked full time I gave staying at home a bash, me paying high rent and them living at home or them saving hard for a mortgage and me having gotten my house and being able to relax a bit more.

Thing is though, in all these different situations, it wouldn't even occur to the "flush" one at the time, to say "feck it it's on me!!"

I remember sitting in bored after telling my friend I couldn't afford to go out, only for her to arrive at my house half an hour later with pre drinks for us and assuring me the night was on her. We've all done similar a thousand times over. The gig for example, why on earth wouldn't it occur to her to just buy it for you?

I'm sure I'll get flamed as nobody should except someone else to bankrole them, but I love being able to treat a broke friend when I'm able to!

• NOT to say "feck it, it's on me!!"

Yes Fan that's what our friendship group would do too.

Neither of you are in the wrong just very different circumstances. It sounds like she needs more child free working friends who enjoy socialising.

I'm sorry but what she wants isn't to spend time withyoudoingwhateverbutsomeoneto accompany her toher preferred activities
This seems to sum it up the best

Your friend needs to find other friends to go out on the town with, and should be happy to have a lovely time catching up at your house
This what we did have until about a year and a half ago. She had a friend with a big group of friends she would often go out with. But they stopped talking (not sure why) and she lost this friend, and all the friends friends. So she is at a loose end. And she is feeling quite lonely. Also when she had a boyfriend (also over a year ago) she had another person to do things with that she doesn't now.

Going to have a good think about what you've all said about being at different places in our life etc.