To be annoyed that my friend doesn't understand how skint I am?

[wickedlazy]

We're both 22.

I'm a sahm to ds aged 4. Live in a council house with ds and dp. Dp has low income, minimum wage job. I get some benefits. I pay bills, get food shopping, pay tv/phone internet package (got a good deal) and then all the costs of having a child. New clothes, the odd trip to cinema/days out, his birthday, christmas etc. It all adds up, and on a good week I have some money left for me.

Friend works ft in a highly paid job, still lives at home, and contributes the bare minimum. Her parents still buy all her food /toiletries (she does buy her own make up) etc as part of the monthly shop. They pay all the bills and stuff. She has almost her whole wage to spend how she likes.

My problem is, she keeps asking me to do things, and I keep having to explain that I don't have the money. That a "cheap" night out to her, is the cost of buying my son a new pair of shoes (another thing he genuinely needs atm).I'm happy enough to stay in, as I have home comforts (heat/electric), but she gets bored staying in all the time. Sometimes I will say no to doing something with her, to use that money to do something with dp (we don't get out together much). This puts her into a huff, "oh but you have the money to go out with him". She has now decided she wants to go to a gig soon. She keeps texting me links "ooh tickets are only £20". I just don't have that spare at the minute. I know if I say no, I can't afford it she will go into a major huff with me, and be really snippy. And she keeps mentioning girls weekends away (when dp and I can't afford to take my son away for the weekend). It's got so bad now if I dye my hair (prematurely grey and it looks awful if I don't) with a £3.99 home dye it's "oh I thought you had no money".

Should I have to justify what I spend my (little) amount of leftover cash on? I do make the effort to meet her for a cheap lunch when I can, and offer to go for walks etc but she doesn't like walking. Or I invite her here but as I said she gets bored of sitting in. Aibu to be getting so annoyed and frustrated with her, or is she being a bit selfish? How do I handle this? She is a good friend, apart from this. There was one occasion she said "we need to get a night out soon". And I agreed "when I have the money". 3 weeks later, she rung to arrange the night out. I didn't have the money yet, and she was horrible about it "it's been 3 weeks, you agreed we would go out soon" and made me feel like shit/about an inch tall. I was nearly crying over it.

Oh and she doesn't have any one else to go out with.

She sounds like she's not a very good friend at all. One of my best friends goes through patches as she is self employed. Sometimes things are fine, and other times she will say she doesn't have the money to go out, in which case I go and spend time with her at her place or we go out for brunch and I pick up the bill.

Friends make an effort to understand what the other is going through. It's none of her business what you spend your money on and you owe her no explanations.

She doesn't sound like a friend worth having. If I were in her position (and I have been) I'd be offering to pay for you, not making you feel bad for not having the money.

I was very aware of friends/family having no money when I was on a good wage, and if I could help someone out with a few drinks on a night out, pay for lunch, occasional bag of shopping etc. I always did. As I had cash spare it made no difference to me but may have given them a real boost.

Ironically I'm very short of cash at the moment, we've got a girl's night out planned in two weeks and my friend just offered to pay for me :D She's one of the friends who I've paid for in the past so possibly she's trying to repay the favour.

Why not add up how much all your basic bills are and tell her? If she's still living at home she may have no idea it actually costs to live independently, feed a family etc.

She never offers to pay. And as my circumstances won't change in the foreseeable future, I feel like if I said yes it wouldn't be just a "one off" but would turn into a regular thing. This would just make me feel guiltier, and crappier. And maybe a little bit in her debt? Can just imagine "oh so you let me pay for x, but don't want to come to y because your dp offered to take you out that day?"

You have totally different lives, and totally different responsibilities. She also sounds rather impulsive and thoughtless.

Your "friend" lives at home with her parents still apparently largely supporting her. She has no children or partner around, works full time and has very few demands on her cash. She has really not learned to live in the real world to any great extent, has she?

She has no idea what it is like having to pay rent or mortgage, bills, council tax etc. as for her the Bank of Mum & Dad still largely takes care of it all.

You have to feed and clothe your child, pay rent or mortgage and all other bills before you can even consider doing anything else. She does not have those responsibilities and until she ever does she will probably never understand exactly what you go through every week or month.

If she is getting huffy about it and making you feel even worse than you already do then she isn't much of a friend. Your finances are nothing to do with her, and you should be under no obligation to justify anything you do to her if you don't want to.

I'd let the relationship cool off for a bit. If she asks why then tell her straight that you cannot afford her lifestyle and you didn't like her attitude when she refused to even try to see it from your point of view.

Tell her it is a simple choice - you can either go out with her or you can feed, clothe and house your child and yourselves. Ask her which of these options she thinks you should prioritise and what she hopes to achieve by being sarky about it?

Yes - find a new friend.

The thing is you have chosen very different life paths and now may have little in common. Your life is more typical of someone aged 32 in modern UK society. It will take compromise from both to maintain this friendship.

I have/had a friend that was in similar circumstances to yours. She has a good job, lives with her parents, no kids and lots of disposable income to spend as she wishes . I'm a lone parent on benefits (at the moment due to DS illnesses and ex walking out and leaving me in the shit!).
She constantly wanted to go out, go on girly holidays (when I couldn't even afford to do anything with my dc) and generally do things that cost £££ all the time. It got to the point that I was so unhappy with my life and situation that I couldn't face being around her.
I'm happier now. Technically we're still friends but she stopped asking me to do things after me having to explain to her over and over again that I just couldn't afford that 'cheap' all inclusive (child free!! As if!) week in Turkey!
I haven't seen her for over a year now as I don't think she thinks I'm worth it if I can't do all of these fun things.

but I love being able to treat a broke friend when I'm able to!

This ^ Be nice if she offered but I'd ask - 'Are you paying? Coz as usual I'm skint'

I'm sure I'll get flamed as nobody should except someone else to bank role them, but I love being able to treat a broke friend when I'm able to!

Ditto, Fan. We've all gone through phases where one was studying and one was working, then it switched around, or even just during maternity leave when money is a bit tighter. You're right that no one should expect it but to me it was part of being a friend - and part of the thinking was "how rubbish it must be for you to be so skint at the moment, I'd like to cheer you up by taking you out for dinner."

I would ask her which part of 'I cannot afford to do X, Y. Z' does she not understand. She isn't a good friend at all, or she would understand your circumstances.

In a similar position with my best friend of fifteen years. I've settled down, got married and have three children under five. He's still living with his mother who pays the bills and buys the food. He worked weekends and got paid quite a lot for that but had nothing to spend it on really so it all accumulated. He had so much surplus cash he just found shit to buy like a £300 water filter system that removes the shit from tap water . He just quit his job to travel to Thailand for the next three months then he has another holiday booked to Spain soon after he returns and he's apparently moving down south in September as well. I've taken this as a major sign that the friendship is fizzling out and it's time to go our separate ways.

It's sad because we've been close friends since we were quite young and he's a great friend but honestly, we have nothing in common anymore. There's not much we can relate to about the other. He's still talking about dating, boyfriend issues, parties he's been to etc and I feel utterly boring beside him discussing my children . And yes, very different priorities. If we have any cash going spare it's either into the savings pot or its spent on the DC in some way. Occasionally DH and I have a night out. I don't really think "with this spare money I'll take it for myself to go to such and such place with my friend." And I can see that frustrates him very much, he just doesn't really get it. He's offered to pay for me a few times and I've taken him up on his offer (Tbf it's kind of payback for teenage years when I ALWAYS paid for him) but it always made me feel guilty and shit. He talks about weekends away and I just laugh, as if that would ever happen! I wouldn't be over the moon about DH taking off for a weekend and leaving me on my own with the three DC so I'd imagine DH wouldn't be happy with that either plus, money! So yeah.

Anyway what I'm getting at is perhaps it's time to find new friends with similar lives to yours who understand your situation better. My other best friend doesn't have children but she does pay her own bills and is interested in children so I don't feel so dull discussing them so it doesn't have to just be other mum friends, just friends who understand more.

She does not sound a good friend at all. I have a 16 month old and am the only one among friends to have a child. Money is not so much a issue but I never have time to myself to go out without my son. My two best friends, since school, have always made a effort to do things with me that includes my son and are cheap. So we have gone together to a playgroup, we have done child friendly picnics in the park. We have had movie night with wine at mine once the baby is in bed etc. For a good friend it should not matter what you do together as long as you spend time together and hang out.

Why don't you sit down with her and explain the differences between you? The fact that you have a house and a child and all the associated expenses and she doesn't. She might understand a bit more then. Some people don't "get" things until they are really spelt out.

I'm not surprised your "friend" hasn't made any new friends since the falling-out with the last one. She sounds very self-centred and only interested in what she wants to do. If she was a proper friend she would, as others have said, be offering to treat you once in a while, or she wouldn't mind just having a DVD and wine night with you at home.

Yes, she's 22 and probably thinks she should be out on the razz every weekend, but she needs to realise that she hasn't got any friends who's circumstances and income would allow them to do that too, so maybe she should look at the reasons for that instead of getting snippy with you about it?!

I hope she has a moment of enlightenment and stops picking you up on every penny of your expenditure that doesn't include her, but unfortunately I think this friendship is on it's way to Fizzlesville Sorry OP.

Have you tried telling her "after I've paid for necessities there isn't a lot left over for fun". Or instead of that you can't afford it that you haven't budgeted for it.

Maybe she needs to be introduced to Maslow's pyramid of needs.

You are very young to have a four year old and are obviously very mature for your age (and content with your life ). She is a more 'typical' 22 year old I suspect. I think you have to accept that at some times in your life you are 'out of step' with some friends Don't let her 'guilt' you into doing things you can't afford/ don't give priority to/ or might rather do with DH . I'd back off ,though its a shame if she doesn't have other friends . If you need friends in circumstances like your own, I am sure you will find them at Mother and Toddler groups etc
If she is a true friend you will hook up again when you have more common ground-most likely if/when she herself settles down with a family

I would avoid saying things like 'Yes, when I have more money' as that seems to be leading her to believe that your skintness is a temporary state. Have you actually said to her 'Look, friend, I have just enough to live on and that is not going to change unless we all stop needing regular food or I win the lottery. I would love to be able to do x,y or z, but the fact is that I will not be able to FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. If you want to come round for tea, go to the park or have a stroll then I'm there, but I cannot and will not be able to spend more than a couple of quid on ANYTHING until further notice.'

I think if she doesn't start trying to understand that you can't just magic up cash to do stuff then you'll both end up finding new friends.

At 22 my close friend was married and mum to 3 young kids. Cash was well tight and nights out non existant. This wasn't the lifestyle that I was ready for but she was very happy and decades later still is. And she went to to have 2 more kids. Anyway we never went out socially but I used to visit her as and when I could. She lives a bit of a distance from me and I worked full time. Our circumstances have switched round now. Her kids are grown up and I'm in the same position she was all those years ago. And like you any bit of cash I have I'd spend on going out with Dh if we ever get the chance too.

If she's that bothered about going out then she needs to find other friends who are in a position financially to be going out. You can still be friend, its just she needs to be a bit more understanding.

OP YANBU, I rather suspect the reason she has no one else to go out with is because of how she is with people. That's not your problem. If she can't adapt because your life has changed then the friendship has run it's course.

My DSD is 22, has a decently paid job and lives at home. She can afford to run a car, several holidays a year and to be out several times a week. She also has tonnes of friends who have had children. She makes sure to include every single one of them into her life somehow. She'll go and visit them and always takes a little something for their children, takes wine or various other stuffs for her friends. Babysits for them and gives them their kids lifts whenever she can.

She's very much aware that not everyone has the same lifestyle. Your friend is very selfish and self centred to make you feel guilty because you can't afford to do things with her, it's not your fault she's fallen out with her other friends. She's not your responsibility.

YA so NBU

You shouldn't be feeling an inch tall because of not having spare cash to splash around on nights out. Your friend doesn't have anyone else to go out with because she hasn't grown up. Most adults, whether rich or poor, don't like going out with overgrown kids.

If you value her friendship then try once more to explain - in words of one syllable- and if she's still the same move on.