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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hurtful comments from my SIL

46 replies

Stinkylinky · 27/01/2015 07:28

My SIL has been TTC for over a year now and has recently begun her IVF journey. She has found the whole thing very difficult and as a family, we are supporting and behind her all the way.

The only problem I'm having is that I'm 17 weeks pregnant and she keeps making quite hurtful comments towards me saying that I don't understand how precious my baby is and how she deserves it more. I'm trying to let the little digs slide as I know she is going through a tough time and seeing me pregnant must be difficult for her, but the comments are hurtful and becoming more regular.

AIBU by asking her to stop and pointing out that these comments are upsetting me?

OP posts:

Whocansay · 27/01/2015 07:32

I'm not sure what you can do other than be honest with her and tell her how hurtful she is being. Her situation is not your fault, although I can understand she will be finding it difficult. It's very sad that she can't be happy for you.

The only other solution is to avoid her entirely, but I'm not sure if that's feasible for you?

Brandysnapper · 27/01/2015 07:34

It sounds like she would be better taking some time away from you - it's no uncommon to avoid pg friends when struggling to conceive. Do you need to see her a lot? And no, you should not have to put up with someone telling you they deserve a baby more than you, however sad their situation.

findingherfeet · 27/01/2015 07:34

No you're not being unreasonable, no one is more deserving of a pregnancy. I would gently say something.

FrancesNiadova · 27/01/2015 07:38

Congratulations on your pregnancy Stinky! Great News!

You don't say anything to your SIL, you're pregnant & hormonal, sadly, SIL is jealous. She's having such a rough time & probably hurts every time she sees you, but, it's not your fault that she feels like this.
If you say something, it will be used against you.
DP is the one who needs to tell his sister how upsetting her comments are about his partner & his unborn baby.
Stand back & let DP do the decent thing!

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 27/01/2015 07:42

Thanks everyone. I feel like everything I say or do is the wrong thing at the minute so perhaps letting DP say something might be the wise thing to do

OP posts:

gamerchick · 27/01/2015 07:50

Yes let your bloke do it. This is the type of jealousy and abuse that is pandered to for some reason.

How do people come back from it when baby finally happens? If someone behaved like that with me I don't think I could suck it up and act all over the moon.

simontowers2 · 27/01/2015 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

seastargirl · 27/01/2015 07:58

We struggled with a similar situation. I had hg throughout two pregnancies and my sil was known to criticise me for not being grateful or enjoying my pregnancies.

We had to distance ourselves from her. As soon as she was pregnant she was in touch and apologised for her behaviour and admitted that pregnancy isn't always the bed of roses she thought it would be.

YonicScrewdriver · 27/01/2015 08:00

Back again, Simon?

BlackBettyBamALam · 27/01/2015 08:10

Had a very similar situation when I was pregnant with DC1 a few years ago. It was bloody awful and we ended up avoiding seeing SIL as much as possible. Even after DC1 was born, her behaviour continued in the same way and it affected the way in which PIL interacted with DC1 too, to the extent that I feel DC1 really missed out. In hindsight I wish we'd tackled it head on and said something. It's not the way things are done in DH's family, unfortunately. Hope your DH can say something quietly.

PtolemysNeedle · 27/01/2015 08:13

She's being rude and you should pull her up on it next time she makes a comment. It's might come across better to her if your DP says something, but you have every right to defend yourself as well.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 27/01/2015 08:13

Can your pils or DH say something. She is I doubt going through a hard time but that does not give her license to take it out on you.

I say this as someone who has struggled with fertility. It's not permission to be cruel or bitchy.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 27/01/2015 08:15

No doubt.

Greyhound · 27/01/2015 08:15

I struggled to have a baby and was terribly jealous of pregnant women but your SIL is out of order.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 27/01/2015 08:28

We don't see our Sil anymore :(. When I fell pregnant with dd1 she was ok but reluctant to get to know her. She sadly couldn't cope very well when I fell pregnant with ds1. It got worse when Dts were born and after she sadly lost a baby (baby died before first scan), we no longer see her. Bil comes and visits us roughly fortnightly. It seems beyond her reasoning to see she chose to marry a man who had already had the snip and blames us for the reversal failing and herself for losing the baby (we know it's not her fault but she won't hear anyone say that).

If you are close enough, tell her she's hurting your feelings and expect a backlash about how you're hurting hers by being pregnant. If you're not, just withdraw from her and if anyone asks, explain you know she's finding it hard by the comments she's making so you're saving both of you from the heartache.

Put the ball back in her court as she is the only one who can come to terms with her situation.

shovetheholly · 27/01/2015 08:53

Look, her comments are off-base and a little bit hurtful, but it's not like she doesn't have a massive excuse. It must be SO hard for her to watch your pregnancy progress while she struggles. She's also chockfull of hormones, possibly even more than you are. You are in a far more fortunate position than she is, so you need to show a bit of patience. Next time it happens, pull her to one side and very gently say something like 'I love you loads, and I realise this must be very, very hard for you. I'm there for you, and we'll get through this together. But it's hard for me to see how hurt you are about my pregnancy. I want nothing more than for you to have this too.'

ApocalypseThen · 27/01/2015 09:08

Clearly what she's saying is hurtful and not really acceptable. However, sometimes people are in so much pain themselves that they lash out and don't really see that they are also causing pain.

If this is typical beahviour from her, I think I'd step away. If it's just this issue has brought this behavior out, I would probably tell her that you feel for her, your pregnancy is not to spite her, you find her comments hurtful and ask would some distance for the time being help.

5inabed · 27/01/2015 09:21

No one is more deserving of pregnancy than anyone else I really don't think you should be pandering to her. Her feelings are not more important than yours and your dp should be standing up for you. Her going through a hard time does not mean she should make you miserable if it doesn't stop now where will it end up? Someone has to tell her she's out of order and it shouldn't have to be you

CrazyBaubles · 27/01/2015 09:22

I am ttc (have been for over 18 months - I have fertility problems) and I absolutly ache when I see a pregnant person. It makes me feel upset, jealous, useless and wistful all at the same time, but the only people who know this are DH and my best friend.
Since ttc I've watched 3 friends and SIL have a baby and 2 more friends are currently pregnant. It's an exciting time for them and not fair for me to put anything negative on them.

If your DH is a calm person, I would let him tell her that you understand why she would be upset but that it isn't fair on you both that she makes these comments and if she cannot stop then you will both have to see her less, which would be shame because you want her to be an involved auntie. If she's decent she will feel bad for upsetting you and stop the comments straight away. If she's not then back away.

Oh and Congratulations

OllyBJolly · 27/01/2015 09:30

YANBU but it must be so hard for her. Think of it as the hormones taking over.

I had two MCs before conceiving DD1 and I so resented all these happy women with bumps and prams. There was another woman at work due when I should have been and she smoked, knocked back all sorts of tablets, ate rubbish and I just felt so aggrieved - why her and not me? Ridiculous and petty, I know I wasn't rational.

Then I did manage to get past the 14 weeks to find another woman I worked with due two days later than me lost her baby at 20 weeks -and then had to work beside me as I went full term. This whole conception and pregnancy thing can be so unfair. A baby is not like a car or a nice house that you covet- it's much more primal than that.

A gentle understanding word might be in order. Congratulations, by the way!

ConfusedInBath · 27/01/2015 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OwlinaTree · 27/01/2015 09:41

It's so hard when TTC, you have the thing she most wants, and it is hard for her thinking it should be her. She presumably has no idea if it was difficult for you to conceive so is imagining it happened straight away for you (maybe it did). Of course she shouldn't be rude to you, but she is dealing with some very difficult emotions at the moment.

I'd give her some space, and maybe ask DH to say something if you feel that's appropriate. Don't get PIL involved, she'll feel ganged up on.

To the poster who said tell her to f off, nice, what empathy skills.

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/01/2015 10:44

I'm guessing the IVF involves injections of hormones or something similar? I spent 3 years TTC but fell pregnant naturally in the end so whilst I sympathise with her I don't know how bad the IVF journey can be! However, please tell her that she's being incredibly hurtful and genuinely horrible towards her future niece/nephew. She's probably blinded by wishing it were her but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. Family or not.

mrsfuzzy · 27/01/2015 10:51

simon, i'd love to be your best friend - i don't think, bit bitchy aren't you ? if i was you i'd stick a sock in it, if i was the op and i knew you i'd probably stick my fist it and blame it on hormones ! BUN FIGHT ON MUMS NET< YEAH!!! seriously though,good luck op, hope it all goes well and let's hope sil realises her dream soon then hopefully you can get along better, fingers crossed.

OfaFrenchMind · 27/01/2015 10:54

The thing is, OP is bullied by her SIL. She is not here to bear the guilt of her SIL's difficulties to conceive, so maybe she should not tell her to F**k off verbatim, but she should make the SIL understand she is out of line. Pain and hormones be damned. Being pregnant is not a walk in the park and she does not need the added stress.

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