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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hurtful comments from my SIL

46 replies

Stinkylinky · 27/01/2015 07:28

My SIL has been TTC for over a year now and has recently begun her IVF journey. She has found the whole thing very difficult and as a family, we are supporting and behind her all the way.

The only problem I'm having is that I'm 17 weeks pregnant and she keeps making quite hurtful comments towards me saying that I don't understand how precious my baby is and how she deserves it more. I'm trying to let the little digs slide as I know she is going through a tough time and seeing me pregnant must be difficult for her, but the comments are hurtful and becoming more regular.

AIBU by asking her to stop and pointing out that these comments are upsetting me?

OP posts:

Hissy · 27/01/2015 11:20

I don't understand how precious my baby is and how she deserves it more

THIS is unacceptable. you need to tell her to zip this kind of comment you you and she will fall out. big time.

tell her you are sympathetic, but no one deserves a baby more than anyone else. it's not a badge of honour or merit.

"Your comments are hurtful and i object to them, please stop. I sympathise with you and have been utterly supportive of you and would like to remain so, but if you continue to make nasty comments and digs at me over this, I will have to protect myself from this ill feeling and cease contact."

As for the bollocks about giving this woman space... what rot! she is coming into the OP space and causing problems by making revolting comments. there is NO room for this, nobody has the right to do this. NOBODY! The family ought to be pulling SIL aside and telling her to stop this.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 27/01/2015 11:26

Tell your DP he needs to talk honestly to her.

You understand that it must be horribly difficult for her to interact with you at the moment. You don't pretend to understand how she is feeling at all but you can appreciate that. You will totally understand if she wants to limit contact to her terms. However, the current situation with her attacking you verbally can't continue. Either she stops, or she stays away and you'll respect that, or you will stay away from her regardless of what she wants.

Be very clear that the reason for this is that if the current destructive dynamic doesn't stop, then your relationships will be permanently damaged. Yes, permanently - no matter whether both of you go on to have many healthy babies each, your relationship won't be the same. You might end up not in touch. What's happening now won't suddenly be null and void as soon as she has her baby. She doesn't get to use you as a punchbag and then go back to being thought of as a loving family member.

Goldmandra · 27/01/2015 11:38

Get your DP to ask her whether seeing you is causing her too much pain and would she prefer to have no contact until she is pregnant. If she says she still wants to see you, he tells her that she needs to stop saying hurtful things to you then.

DoJo · 27/01/2015 14:52

Could you not say something like 'You do deserve a baby - I wish there was something I could do to make it fair.'
That acknowledges her pain, but also makes it clear that her sense of the unfairness and of 'deserving' a baby is in no way related to your pregnancy other than in her head. It's not like there are only 100 babies allocated each year and your pregnancy has reduced her chances of conceiving, but you are in a very privileged position in her eyes, so it is within your power to be kind.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 27/01/2015 14:57

Your partner should talk to her - gently and sensitively but pointing out that by saying she deserves it more, she is saying that you don't deserve your child. Which is so so hurtful and that while you both understand and sympathise with her, you have to ask that she stops saying that you don't deserve to have the child you are carrying, t is precisely because you do understand how precious it is that this hurts so much.
while, yes, reassuring her that of course she deserves a child and you wish it for her so so much, but please she cannot go on wishing to take away what you have. What's said can't be unsaid.

outtahell · 27/01/2015 16:01

Maybe point out to sil that there isn't a limit on babies - you're not making it less likely that she will have her own one day. Tell her that the comments she is making are completely out of line and that she shouldn't have any contact with you again until it stops hurting both of you.

Springhasspung · 27/01/2015 17:54

If she's actually started I've it might be worth noting what drugs she's on, if she's on syranel I can assure you she can't help it these are really nasty upsetting hormones drugs, I had it and said some really awful things.
She probably knows she's being mean but can't help it, take a step back and don't see her you'll both be better for it.
Great that your being sympathetic but you don't need to be subjected to abuse, but Ivf drugs are really nasty and really affect you

Nearasdammit · 27/01/2015 19:36

What is she like usually?

If she's normally lovely and you get on well, try to rise above it (but still don't be a verbal punchbag - that's not on, no matter how upset she is)

If she's got form for being horrible then there's every possibility that she's just grabbing an opportunity to be nasty.

Nasty people can have problems too.

OriginalGreenGiant · 27/01/2015 19:43

I see that it must be hurtful for her and so on...but I disagree with the people saying have patience, let it slide, put up with it.

You do not have to put up with her telling you that she deserves your baby more than you. Fuck THAT tbh.

There's no need to be mean but a 'please do not speak to me like that as it's really not on' is more than appropriate here.

Violettatrump · 27/01/2015 19:49

Can you give her space every time she says something. Slope off soon after she's made a comment even if it means talking to a different group of people. Don't meet up with her, let DH go in his own.

It will be heart breaking for her, more then you can understand. I don't think you need to suck the poor behaviour up though.

Trooperslane · 27/01/2015 19:53

Oh God op.

I was such a bitter bitch when I was trying and failing to get pregnant for 8 fucking years

I never said anything though. Kept my bitterness and grief to myself or told my counsellor. It's heart breakingly difficult and I still struggle to find the vocabulary to explain how it felt, but that is NO EXCUSE for her behaviour.

I think your DH needs to tackle her and I'd back off big time. I didn't want to hear or see anyone pregnant at all. Just about managed a 'soooo pleased for you' text to an old and very dear friend who got upduffed at the drop of a hat and then sniffles in the toilet at work for half an hour.

Please understand it doesn't make her a bad person. But you shouldn't have to deal with that at all, ever.

Trooperslane · 27/01/2015 19:54

Great post Dojo and x post Violetta

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 27/01/2015 19:57

She's normally okay, bit bratty and can be very inappropriate but we've always got on well.

I love the girl to bits but I don't think what she is going through gives her the right to be nasty.

She is currently undergoing tests in order to begin IVF so isn't on any medication that will send her hormones into overdrive.

The whole situation is so tough, I'm finding it hard to pretend I'm okay with being treated like a horrible person, I'm scared that I will snap soon and make things worse! I definitely think DP should be the one to say something as my hormones and emotions are crazy right now!

OP posts:

Original poster

Stinkylinky · 27/01/2015 20:00

Thanks Trooper, she's not a bad person at all. I miss being so close with her and beat myself up because I feel partly responsible for how she's feeling x

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/01/2015 20:14

She's behaving like a bitch so I think I'd avoid her. It took me quite a long time to have a baby but I didn't lash out at other people who got pregnant in the meantime.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/01/2015 20:15

I would distance myself. I could not be arsed dealing with those kinds of comments all the time.

Quitelikely · 27/01/2015 20:20

There is no need for this. I would tackle the situation next time she says something unpleasant

'Im sorry your going through what you are but in no way, shape or form is it my fault'

I don't care if she's struggling to conceive. She should keep her nasty mouth shut! And if she can't then she's going to have to suffer the consequences!

Stand up for yourself now before it gets out of hand

Trooperslane · 27/01/2015 20:40

Stinky - please don't beat yourself up.

You are in no way responsible and none of this is your fault. It is the luck of the draw. You're luckier than her - that's it.

It's not like you've done some sort of witchcraft (unless you have ).

She's not being rational. Not reacting 'normally'. Again, not excusing her AT ALL but this is about her venting, not you. She's as jealous as he'll and can't manage the emotions.

And your priority is growing that wee one and protecting yourself, so just you do that with DH.

I know this gets looked down on on mumsnet but xxx and ooo.

biggles50 · 28/01/2015 14:17

You could just say something like " nobody could be happier for you than me when you get pregnant. I so want you to have a baby and I understand how tough it must be for you to see me pregnant but please keep the hurtful remarks to yourself because it's not fair on me your brother or the baby. " that should do the trick said in a calm and kind voice.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 28/01/2015 14:28

Biggles suggestion sounds good

quietbatperson · 28/01/2015 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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