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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to by upset about this ?

55 replies

indyindie · 26/01/2015 20:29

Long boring backstory so I will trim it.

My parent's live 10 minutes away , they see me and my dcs 5 time's a year at most (and only when we go to them).
They don't call , or show any interest in our lives, they sent my dds birthday present last year instead of coming over.

I have tried my upmost to forge some sort of relationship with them , I have invited them over , call them regularly etc. Nothing has worked .
My dsis has the same issues and has done for 12 years since her ds was born.

But my other dsis, they have her dd 5 days a week while she is at work (and have done since she was 4 months old) , they babysit any time she wants and visit her all the time. They couldn't even babysit for me when my dhs mother died.
They are off on holiday next month and taking dsis dd of course , I haven't even heard from them in 2 months .

I realise I should just get over it , but it breaks my heart my kids will grow up feeling 2nd best. Do I just completely cut contact now ? Or try again and again.

OP posts:
Theboodythatrocked · 27/01/2015 00:22

Well yes bigfat but I suppose the real question is what have you lost here? Like the op they arnt there anyway.

It's incredibly strange to decent parents to treat their children and grandchildren like this. Bloody hate favouritism.

Some people are just crap and don't deserve children and grandchildren

Aeroflotgirl · 27/01/2015 00:24

Thefairycaravan what nasty toxic individuals, their loss. You reap what you sow. Op I would distance myself, a relationship is a two way street, at the moment it is one sided, they make no effort.

Theboodythatrocked · 27/01/2015 00:24

Must be so hard on you though especially being pregnant big Flowers

Op think I would challenge and see what they come up with and if not ok then withdraw for your dcs sake.

Theboodythatrocked · 27/01/2015 00:26

Xposted Aero

Agree about Fairy

Horrible.

saturnvista · 27/01/2015 00:37

I think you really need to sit down and explain how this is looking to you and how it's making you feel. I can't imagine how there could be any redemption but at least give them a chance to put it right. You have very little to lose at this point and it may help to bring closure, knowing you said what was on your heart.

RocketInMyPocket · 27/01/2015 00:44

I agree. Nasty, nasty toxic people.
I also want to recommend to you the stately homes thread. Don't know how to link, but search it and you'll find it.
If nothing else you'll be able to speak about to people who have been there, and will be not just sympathetic, but REALLY understand.
Hugs

bigfatfanclub · 27/01/2015 00:49

You are 100% right theboody. I guess I found it a little bit easier to live with before I brought it up because I thought there was always a chance that they didn't realise just how much difference they were making and/or how hurtful it was to me my family. Knowing for certain they just don't care and would rather lose me and my ds than make any effort at all is a hard pill to swallow.

I naively thought confronting them about their blatant favouritism would improve the situation, instead of having the complete opposite effect. In my case honesty does not seem to have been the best policy, and it might be the case of indy too.

In saying that, this has all happened fairly recently, maybe in time I will come to realise it's for the best, I hope so.

ithoughtofitfirst · 27/01/2015 04:49

Can you imagine treating one of your children like this? Unbelievable op you deserve better. If it were me I'd stop bothering.

sanityisamyth · 27/01/2015 05:25

My mother is EXACTLY the same so I know how you feel. I keep telling myself it's her loss. Sorry x

SurfsUp1 · 27/01/2015 06:27

Do you ask them to babysit?

CheerfulYank · 27/01/2015 06:32

That is insane!

I agree, ask them. What have you got to lose? Do you see them at Christmas?

Shelby2010 · 27/01/2015 06:59

I wouldn't delete her from Facebook, I'd use it as a way of (gently) shaming her in public. So when she comments on your DC photos reply along the lines of 'Yes she does look cute, what a shame you haven't seen her since Christmas/whenever, she's changing so fast at the moment.' Or even start talking about the lovely elderly neighbour that Dd has 'adopted' as her granny?

Probably won't make any difference but might make you feel better.

Happynapi · 27/01/2015 07:10

If you ever do ask them please do let us know the outcome as this is something i decided to bring up and try to resolve years ago when the children could see the actions of their grandparents and was met with complete denial, promises of change as didnt want anyone to feeel that they were not cared about etc but a month later no difference.

Chiggers · 27/01/2015 09:12

YANBU. My mum is like this. She has looked after my nieces and even my DB's step children (they are lovely kids), but any time I've asked them to look after our 2, she makes excuses not to look after them. I've come to the conclusion that I can actually rely on my closest friends to look after my kids more than my family (except my lovely dad, DB and his partner).

We used to live less than 5mins walk from my parent's house until I got a place at university. Mum always complained that she didn't see enough of our DC, but wasn't willing to make the effort, so it was us going round to their place. Once she learned that I got a university place 100 miles away, and we were planning to move closer to the university, she started with the crocodile tears about never seeing them again. The fucking drama annoys the shit out of me because I'm only doing what many people in my situation would do for the benefit of their family. I got bitched at, called all sorts for 'taking the kids away from her' and so on. I have to say moving was the best thing I did. No drama, no fuss, no bloody whining etc, just the ability to have a peaceful, non-dramatic life to get on with.

I rely on no-one but myself and DH to look after the DC. If we go out for a meal, we go out as a family. It doesn't bother us and our neighbour said she is quite happy to mind the DC if DH and I want to go out for a rare meal as a couple. We've said that we'll look after their house when they're on holiday, look after the dog and clear up any mess it has made. Kind of a 'you scratch my back and I scratch yours' way of living.

It just shows that sometimes we find that we can rely/depend on others before we could rely on our families for support.

One saying I go by is this: "This is the 1st day of the rest of your life. Carve it out and build the confidence to live it as you mean to go on". I think about that every day and living that out has made me a happier woman. I can't change what is in the past, I can only change what my future will be like by laying the foundations for my own and my family's future.

If this helps you in any way OP, then I've done the job I set out to do (to encourage you that you don't need to rely on your family to help you as long as you have a loose routine you can adjust to suit your current situation).

Anyway, I'll stop waffling and zip on as I have a class and a seminar today.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 27/01/2015 10:07

I think this is more common than you think. After MIL died, PIL remarried very quickly and has subsequently dumped us. His step granddaughter has her own room at their house, photos up of her all over the place, gets picked up from school, etc. He makes the effort to visit us maybe twice a year (15 min drive away) but never, ever does anything with his own GCs. When he moved it was 18 months before we got an invite to see his new place.
So - you are not alone.
I would just try to switch off about it. Go NC if you think it would help, but the only thing you can do is decide it is not going to upset you anymore and move on. You can't change them - it's obvious you have tried - so take comfort in the fact that there are loads of us in the same boat and put it behind you.

GoodSouls · 27/01/2015 10:24

I have so much sympathy for you op, my paternal grandparents were like this, they never did anything for me or my brother.
My Grandad called me by a different name, always when I complained he would laugh at me, there's loads more but when he died I didn't go to his funeral..
When my grandmother died I watched all my cousins weeping and wringing their hands I grief when I felt nothing.
It's so cruel of your parents, I would think about talking to them, it was never discussed why my grandparents were like that but I would love to know why they did, purely to get some understanding of it, I don't think we would ever of had a decent relationshipHmm

krystellie · 27/01/2015 10:37

It's an awful situation but I think for your own mental health, you need to sit down with them and find out why they have acted like this. They probably don't realise how they are behaving, especially if they take the time out to post comments about your DC on Facebook.

Like other posters have said, you have nothing to lose.

HappyAgainOneDay · 27/01/2015 10:38

I hope I don't sound nasty but could the grandparents not want to babysit the OP's children because they think their behaviour is beyond their capability? Some children are better behaved than others and, although I don't think that I would differentiate between my grandchildren, some grandparents might.

Sorry if I've upset you, OP Blush Sad Flowers

wanttosqueezeyou · 27/01/2015 10:43

I'd ask them in as none confrontational way as possible.

What have you got to lose?

Original poster
indyindie · 27/01/2015 10:54

Thanks for all the replys Thanks . Sorry to hear so many of you's are in similar situation.

I have asked them to babysit 3 time's , once for mils funeral when dd1 was 4 months old , that was a no .
2nd time was for fil funeral dd1 was 5 then , once again no.
And last time I asked was when dd2 was due (csection) , they made such a fuss of it we ended up getting neighbour to babysit , but that meant dh could only stay bare minimum after dd2 arrived. They then had cheek to show up at hospital next day to see her.

I have asked , and explained how I feel but every time it starts massive argument and I always end up looking like Im in the wrong .

We go over every xmas , and put on a show I keep telling myself it's best foe the kids but really it's not at all

OP posts:
Original poster
indyindie · 27/01/2015 10:57

HappyAgainOneDay dd1 is far from perfect (possible Aspergers) , but she is well behaved and well mannered . Dd2 is only a baby.
I did always wonder this though , but dsis 3 boys are all treated the same aswell .

OP posts:
IAmAllImportant · 27/01/2015 11:42

Right, so we have established that the reason they are like this is because there is no competition with you and other DSis that they neglect, but there is competition with the DSis they help.

Now, the cure is to invent a nice older couple near you, who can be like adopted GPs to your children!

Hopefully, that will make them step up! I'm only half joking here

Original poster
indyindie · 27/01/2015 12:27

Grin IAmAllImportant , we have elderly neighbour who really is like a grandmother to them , she invites dd1 in for sweets everytime we see her , buys her gifts all the time and is just a genuinely lovely lady . I wish she was my mother .

I have a half sister , whom I never new growing up as dfather has had no contact with her , she has made an effort he has pretty much abandoned her . She has dcs who my father has never even met, I suppose I shouldn't have expected any different from them.

I he couldn't evem bother to see his own child why would he care about any us now ,

OP posts:
IAmAllImportant · 27/01/2015 12:33

Sorry, in which case, get your DCs to start calling your lovely neighbour Granny and don't bother at all with your parents.

I have had a Dad like yours. He didn't much bother with us as children. I tried really hard as an adult to maintain a normal relationship. I gave up when he did not bother to tell me my Nanna had passed away.

Life has been less hurtful since then!

fromparistoberlin73 · 27/01/2015 12:40

TheFairyCaravan Flowers and of course OP!

I have read alot of people on MN advovate going NC, and it is based on them that I advise you OP to disengage and conider going NC

they wont change, and all they will give you is pain and angst

its sad and baffling and you deserve better