To have a second child purely to give DS a sibling?

[Acunningruse]

DS is 2 years 3 months and the light of our lives following 2 years of fertility treatment. He was a really easy baby but as a toddler is a miniature tornado incredibly 'lively', 'spirited' and challenging. Literally he does not stop from 6:30am to 7:30pm, doesn't nap and wakes during night probably once to twice a week.

We had always thought that we would give DS a sibling after 2.5-3 years but now that time is approaching I just can't imagine life with Ds and a newborn. Ds is so active I just can't imagine chasing after him with a newborn as well. But on the other hand I can't imagine him not having a brother or sister. I am very close to my brother and would love the same for DS. but is that reason enough to have a second baby? No one else in RL seems to feel like this, all my NCT group either have 2nd babies or are pregnant again because they actively want another baby IYSWIM? I look at their babies and think aww how cute but I just keep thinking how hard life will be.

We have thought about waiting a while but how close would siblings be if there is 4 year gap? Plus we don't know how long it will take as we had fertility treatment to conceive Ds.

did anyone have a second child purely to give their first child a sibling and did it work out ok?

I was exactly the same as you! In fact you could be me!
We never had another and we have never lived to regret it.
DS says he would hate to have a brother or sister - he probably wouldn't, but knows no different. We have a lovely life. Do what you want!

I felt like you. I grew up til 16 as an only child and badly wanted to avoid that for our son.

It took 6 years and a bitch of a pregnancy but we've now got an adorable little 9 month old.

The gap is bigger than we wanted (he came along just after we'd given up hope and given the baby things away!) but as it happens it's turning out brilliantly. Our older son absolutely loves the little one. No jealousy at all, amazingly. So far, no competition either becuase naturally they're interested in different things.

Mind you I think we've been lucky. It seems to vary wildly how well siblings get on, though not being in direct competition has to help.

IME, once a second child is born it is no longer about the first child solely. Life does not evolve around them and whether they need another sibling or not. You would have 2 children and they would be equals albeit needing different things. It is not therefore whether a first born needs a sibling, but if there is room and desire in the family for 2 children. It is more a question of whether your family is complete not, not just what the existing child needs.

You may be close to your sibling, but there's no guarantee your ds would be close to his! How would you feel if you had a dc for his sake, and they fought all the time and had nothing in common? I mean, I'm sure you'd love the second child, but I do agree with whoever said that you should never give a baby a job - in this case being best friend to your ds. There are plenty of siblings who hate each others guts, and not even for any good reason!

What's the problem with waiting, OP?

My friends have two children 4.6y apart and they are a very happy family. I have other friends with 3 dcs: eldest is 23yo, second is 17yo, youngest is 7yo. It works fine for them.

If you're not ready now, wait. You'll know when you are.

There's a four year gap between my sister and I, and we're really close. 18 month gap between dp and his brother and they aren't close/hardly ever speak to each other. Close in age doesn't always equal properly close to each other. I think wanting a sibling for a dc should be one of a few reasons to have another baby like you want one/are broody/feel you are financially secure enough now for two, etc.

OP, you could be me!!
We have a DD, coming up to 2y, and like you I always assumed we would have 2 children if we were able.
However now I am starting to seriously think we may leave it as we are.
DD is full-on high-maintenance which means it is v difficult to even make the mental space to think about ttc!! But like you I sort of feel too long a gap would hamper them being best buddies anyway (my niece and nephew have a 4.5y gap and it does NOT work for them, not saying it can't work but I have seen how it can really be a problem).
LOVE the poster saying you should never have a baby to give them a job!!! So true.
It's hard because I always assumed we would do this again but I have no burning desire to do so, I think. I am sad in a very nostalgic way these days when I fold away clothes that are too small for DD as until v recently I had always sort so assumed we might use them again one day soon, but nostalgia is a v bad reason to have a baby!! I might feel the same even if we DID have another and I was putting clothes away knowing we weren't going to have a third!
I do worry that DD will miss out, that she will beg me for a sibling when she's older and when it's too late (am already 38). I hate feeling as if I am depriving her.
BUT we have very sound reasons for not having another, health related, plus we would really struggle financially.
I am comforted by new statistics that say by 2022, 50% (I think) of families will only have one baby (childcare and living costs so high) so I think many many of these little ones will be in classes full of other only children and it won't feel like they're the odd ones out.
Hope that helps (?) though I know it's hard, the pressure is on us from all quarters to have another and I just don't feel it's necc the right thing for us.

I have age gaps ranging from 50 weeks between two dc, to 6 years between youngest and oldest (four dc altogether). The two with 50 weeks between them have a twin type relationship - very, very close but equally, my eldest and youngest adore each other! It depends as much upon their characters as the age gap, I think. Just because right now isn't the right time, don't feel a larger gap won't create a beneficial relationship because it can. You might resolve not to have more but you have time to make that choice, imo.

Don't rush into it. Mine were 2yrs4mths apart, which felt like the perfect gap while TTC, but in hindsight I wish I'd waited.

DS, the older one, was still too little to be gentle with the baby, started having tantrums and generally played up as you would expect when the little prince had been shoved out of the limelight! I wish I'd waited till he started school, then I would have had a few peaceful hours each day to snuggle up with the baby rather than the poor thing being lumped around everywhere in her car seat so that we could keep the toddler amused. I was also going through toilet training DS while trying to BF the baby. Nightmare. I think if your little one is high energy then definitely wait. If you already feel like you won't cope, the reality will be even worse!

And mine were never particularly close when little. They actually get on better now as teens, share the same sense of humour, music, tv shows etc, which would probably be the same with a bigger age gap too.

There are no guarantees with anything. You might have twins (or triplets!), you might have a child with disabilities (which speaking as someone with a disabled sibling truly alters the relationship - but I am still glad I had a sibling rather than didn't if that makes sense), your children might not get on at all.

That said, I didn't actively want the first baby as we weren't planning on any but once we had one we felt we should have 2. I have 22 months between ours and the first year of DDs (number 2) life was awful - looking back I think I had PND but I was near the edge of reason the whole time. The winter being trapped inside in bad weather with a 1 year old and a 3 year old was something I would never want to repeat.

That said, I can look back now and never want to do it again but at 4 and 6 they get on brilliantly and I am very glad we had two and went for such a small age gap; they love each other dearly. They do spat and argue a lot which is sole-destroying on occasions but a lot of the time they play together brilliantly and support each other really nicely.

The other thing I'm really pleased about is that we only had 2 - we spent some time with a family with 4 children the other day and man alive - that would send me mental!

My DS (eldest) says that he would be quite happy being an only child and when I asked him if he wouldn't miss his sister, very astutely he answered that he never would have known her to miss, which is a fair point also. You don't miss what you don't have and if your DS is an only, that's all he'll ever know and he won't mourn the siblings he never had.

Tough decision!

My DD1 was a difficult baby and lively toddler. Like yours on the go all day with no naps.

We have a 2.10 age gap and it has worked out well for us. Having a baby sister to play with took a lot of pressure off us as parents to entertain. Now at 7 and 4 they play for hours quite happily. I think we have been lucky with that though. The other positive thing is that DD2 is much easier and it has healed some of the stress and guilt I have felt about DD1 and her challenges.

Have a 2nd baby if you want one. If it's hard going and and your DS resents the baby it wouldn't be fair to think you did it for him.

God luck with whatever you decide.

Your DS sounds exactly like mine, he's now 5&1/2. I had dd when he was 3.

I won't lie, there were times when it was hard but now DD is getting older they now play together so sometimes it is now easier because he doesn't demand so much attention as he's got a friend to play with.
Sometimes they fight and he torments her etc and it's a nightmare.

But I don't regret having another child one tiny bit.
It's made us more of a proper family in a way, we laugh more, there's just more fun to be had with 2 kids than with one.

Your DS probably won't be such hard work forever, you don't have to make a decision just yet.
What about waiting to see what he's like once he's started school? He might mellow a bit and you might feel more ready to have another once you've not got your hands so full.

Now that DS is 5 and isn't so much of a whirlwind, I think he would make an amazing big brother to a baby now, I'd love to give him a little brother but I'm not sure if that will ever happen x

I would have been quite happy to just have DD but DH wanted another child as he didn't want DD to be an only one and to be honest neither did I.
There is a 4 year age gap between DD and DS and I think DD would probably have been fine being an only one but I she has 5 friends who are only ones for a variety of reasons and all of them ( and their mums) say they wish they had a sibling - except for when DS is rugby tackling them in the park!!
I am not close to my brother at all, although DH is quite close to his sister but it's nice for the children to have cousins etc and we often go on holiday with the inlaws so I think that although only children are fine it's nice to be part of a larger family too

I had a second child purely as a sibling for my first. But of course, once they arrive, they are a person in their own right and you love them just as much as the first etc.

What I would say is that I think it's made me a better parent. I was totally consumed by my first and could easily have become an overly-pushy, hovering-around-all-the-time type of parent if I only had one. With two or more that's just not possible, so you do have to relax a bit, which is probably better for the DCs.

I have a two year age gap. The first year was very hard because DC1 was massively jealous of DC2's arrival. Then they had 9 years of bliss where they totally adored one another and were very supportive and dependent on each other. Now that they are both teenagers they can't bear the sight of each other & fight/squabble/argue all the time! I'm hoping it's a phase and they will go back to loving each other, in due course.

Another advantage of having more than one is that you no longer become the primary play-mate; so instead of having to play board games or dressing-up with DC1 you can say "go ask your brother". Don't know if that sufficient justification for having another child, but it's an example of how the dynamics within the family change.

Just wait until he starts school then.

Blimey - who knew ehh - a 2 year old that is on the go all day, lively, spirited and challenging. they are ALL like that at 2. they are exhausting. but then they go to nursery and school and they are less so. have a second child if you want one. or not. its up to you really. we didn't want large gaps - selfish reasons I didn't want years of no nappies and night time waking and cant understand how people have an 8 or 9 yr old and then a baby. of course the family dynamics change. they changed when you had your LO. on balance, I am glad we had 3 and they were close together but really its up to you. an only child has a lot invested in them and lot expected of them too. we didn't want that. you might feel differently.

As switchsaid it's made me a better parent as well.
Generally we have much more fun now there is 4 of us too.

There is no guarantee of closeness between siblings. My sister and I speak once a year and never got on as children. We had and have absolutely nothing in common.

My boys are exactly 5 years apart and get on famously. The age gap just made life so much easier for us; ES had just started Reception at school when YS was born, so I had all day with YS to potter and could spend more time in the evenings with ES when DH was home. I have no idea how anyone has close age gaps; it just looks hard, hard work.

We have just under a 4y gap. DS would I think in some ways be very happy to have all the attention to himself, in other ways he has some lovely moments with his sister. It was great to have a year at home with them when DS was just about to start school and to have some extra time to help him through the big step of starting school. DS does have a flicker of jealousy, I think it might have been worse if his sib was a boy, but, really, who knows.

I am an only child and was very keen for my DS to have a sib, I remember very well how desperately worried my mum always was about and for me, she had a tendency to fuss, I think that being an only gave that an edge.

I don't think your question really is purely about giving your first child a sibling. From what you said you never imagined a lone child. I would say you are simply not ready yet for a second. From 3 your first will be going to preschool. That would make looking after a newborn much easier. My 3yo goes 3 days a week so I only have both of them for 2 days a week. (DH doesn't work weekends). Give yourself sometime and a larger age gap might work for you.

We have a 3.5y age gap btw.

Yep

I don't regret her for a single moment, but the driving force behind having dc2 was to give ds a sibling. I'm one of 4, I couldn't imagine not having siblings as an adult, now that dad and other older generation are beginning to die.

mummymeister they aren't ALL like that. My DS was, my DD is 2&1/2 and is an absolute breeze, soooo easy, everyone comments on how good she is. She's had about 2 tantrums which have each lasted about 20 seconds.
If there is a god, clearly he felt guilty for giving me such a difficult DS so made it up to me by giving me such an easy DD.
She'll probably make up for it by being a nightmare teenager won't she?

Don't have a second child just to give your first a sibling. I am not close to my sibling and know plenty of others who are not close to theirs, for various reasons. Have another child if you and DH want a second child.

On the other hand, if you do want a second child, don't write it off because of the work involved.

First, even if you got pregnant tomorrow, your DS would be 3 by the time DC2 was born. 3 is very different from 2 yrs 3 months - a 3 year old sleeps better, has a little more patience, can do more by themselves and they get 15 hours free pre school. Of course 3 year olds are still hard work but there is a big leap from 2.3 to 3.

Second, having children lasts the rest of your life (hopefully). The time when they are small and it's all chaos lasts a relatively short time. So weigh up whether you want two children long term, versus a short term period of hard work.

Third, as some previous posts say, in some ways it may be easier having 2 children than 1 - not immediately but once you get to the point where they can play together/entertain each other (assuming they do). Smaller age gaps do I think make a difference here.

Again, I think the ultimate question is whether you actually want another child or not.