To have a second child purely to give DS a sibling?

[Acunningruse]

DS is 2 years 3 months and the light of our lives following 2 years of fertility treatment. He was a really easy baby but as a toddler is a miniature tornado incredibly 'lively', 'spirited' and challenging. Literally he does not stop from 6:30am to 7:30pm, doesn't nap and wakes during night probably once to twice a week.

We had always thought that we would give DS a sibling after 2.5-3 years but now that time is approaching I just can't imagine life with Ds and a newborn. Ds is so active I just can't imagine chasing after him with a newborn as well. But on the other hand I can't imagine him not having a brother or sister. I am very close to my brother and would love the same for DS. but is that reason enough to have a second baby? No one else in RL seems to feel like this, all my NCT group either have 2nd babies or are pregnant again because they actively want another baby IYSWIM? I look at their babies and think aww how cute but I just keep thinking how hard life will be.

We have thought about waiting a while but how close would siblings be if there is 4 year gap? Plus we don't know how long it will take as we had fertility treatment to conceive Ds.

did anyone have a second child purely to give their first child a sibling and did it work out ok?

[Rebecca2014]

Why can't you just wait for a bigger age gap? that way you all win.

[WitchOfEndor]

I feel like you, but with a bigger gap. What puts me off having another is that my DB and I were very combative as children until I moved out aged 25 and I see that dynamic mirrored in the children of my friends/family. I don't want to be refereeing arguments between them all the time. I have had a couple of near misses and I really am torn though, but I think in the end we will stick with one.

[Catsize]

Sorry - point about thinking back is that once you have two, it is hard to remember having just one!

[Catsize]

I do get where you are coming from OP. Now you have your child, you probably find it hard to think back to when you didn't. We were worried about having a second, concerned about how we could love them as much etc. But the family feels so much more balanced with two. And watching them interact and 'talk to each other' (currently 11mo and 3yrs) is just delicious. Our first was very full-on (and I don't agree with the pp who said they all are - there are definite ranges!).
Do what you feel is right.
I would now have about twenty children but can't

[whyareallthegoodnicknamestaken]

I felt like you but went ahead to have another dc as I didn't want dd to be an only child.
I had more of an age gap than you but it was all so worth it.
I have a dd and a ds now and they are both amazing. Watching them play together and enjoying each other's company has made that first hard year when ds was a newborn all so worth it.
I don't know how I'd have felt if I had decided not to have another but I did feel fulfilled as just being a mother to dd but now I have ds I can't imagine life without him.
It's not all easy though, some days are absolutely hectic and some days are just pure bliss, but I wouldn't change a thing.

[AbbyCadabby]

*Second brother is four years younger than me, in case that wasn't clear!

[AbbyCadabby]

I have one brother who is two years younger than me, then a brother who is four years younger - I know it makes for a different dynamic (the same gap you are asking about, but with an extra sibling in the middle), but I was much closer to the younger one growing up.
However, I now am estranged from both of them!

You just never know what kind of relationship they will have, as children, or young adults, and older adults.

I have read, as a pp pointed out, that a 4-5 year gap is optimal for all concerned. So maybe wait a year and see how you feel.

I am pg now and there will be a 4.6yr gap - I hadn't been aiming for this gap as I am quite old and felt I should just crack on, but it took a bit longer second time round, so here we are. I am really happy with the idea of the 4.6yr gap now, it actually feels as perfect as possible (for us.).

Good luck!

[DuelingFanjo]

I have a 4 year old DS who was conceived through IVF and really don't see the need for a sibling. I am too old anyway and unlikely to conceive again without help which I am not prepared to do.

Personally I am happy with what we have, DS has cousins and friends and I know loads of only children who turned out just fine and loads of people with siblings who didn't.

I know how you feel though - there's so much (often unintentional) pressure to have a second. I have had people say 'you don't want him to end up an only child' or 'you really should give him a sibling'. I have had people who know how hard it was for me to have a child tell me that they had a second because they 'couldn't let (their first) be an only child, it's not fair' and so on.

in the first couple of years after having DS I did feel like I would never love another in the same way and that it wouldn't be fair on him to have a sibling, then as he got older I started feeling like I could manage it and so maybe if it did happen we would be ok. Now, every month there is a possibility I might have got pregnant, I have a feeling of relief when it hasn't happened which is a marked difference to how I felt while trying to conceive DS!

I have seen parents of more than one worry about close age gaps and wide age gaps and then when the third pregnancy happens they worry about the second child becoming a middle child (because apparently middle children are awful or damaged or some other stupid thing *I am a middle child) or that they are having another son, or have too many daughters and on and on and on.

Now i find it all faintly ridiculous as I am ultimately just really bloomin' happy that I had one and I really don't think any damage is done to a person just because they are an only child.

[slightlyconfused85]

I felt the same as you but bit the bullet and am now 15 weeks pregnant with no. 2. dd is same age as your ds, and also spirited and non napping. I have to keep reminding myself that dd will be very different in 6 months, as she is different now from 6 months ago. I thrived on having my siblings and I think she will too even if it starts hard. Remember your ds will be past 3 by the time you have another now and he will be very different. I think as long as you are not horrified by the thought of another you will not regret it.

[ToysRLuv]

I was in your position. Now DS is 5 and still no DC2. Have conceded there will never be, so have sold baby stuff. It's a bit sad, but for the better. I'd rather be a happyish mum of 1 than a totally deranged and knackered mum of 2. DS has never asked for a sibling, but would like a cat. I think I do too. Would have another child if I could give birth to a 5 year old. Babies and toddlers (especially grumpy non-sleeping, clingy ones like DS) drive me to think about injuring myself, so I can go and rest in a hospital..

[DisappointedOne]

DD is destined to be an only child.

[DisappointedOne]

Just under 3 years between me and my younger sister. We hate each other. Always have.

[Theveryhungrycaterpillar123]

I have a 2 and a half year age gap between my DC. I always knew I wanted a sibling for my DS, I was never going to have an only child (if I could choose). DS2 is 5 months and I have a lively toddler, it's hard work, bloody hard work I fully admit.

I was worried about how much I would love another child (just as much!) and how DS1 would be with his sibling. Luckily he loves him but I can't take my eyes off them together.

I can't wait until DS2 grows up a bit and they can play together. You can't guarantee that when they are grown up they'll be friends, but as much as I'm exhausted I love my boys and wouldn't change it.

[concretekitten]

I worried I wouldn't/couldn't love another child as much as my first and then when I did have her i felt guilty about loving her as much as I did.

I didn't think I had enough love to go round but love is limitless.

I think I possibly love them in slightly different ways...well maybe not love them differently, but my relationship is different with them both.
But I definitely don't love one less than the other.

If anything having another maybe made me love them even more, I feel totally blessed to not only have one, but two amazing little precious people in my life.

[MothershipG]

Everyone wonders how they could possibly love DC2 as much as DC1 while DC2 is just an idea, I know I did!

But of course you do, love isn't finite like that, actually I love DC2 more.....only joking!

[WiiUnfit]

Forgot to ask as well - DH is concerned he wouldn't love a DC2 as much as DS... Is this a common thing? Is it true?

[WiiUnfit]

OP, like many others on here, you could be me.

DH & I have DS, aged 3.5 and have been discussing whether to give him a sibling or not. DS doesn't seem overly bothered either way, he's happy enough in our company. We've actually asked him if he would like a brother or sister, he replied he'd rather have a cat

I always thought I would have two or three children, two or three years apart. Funny how your plans change when you have the first one and you find out what hard work they can be!

[StarsOfTrackAndField]

We have thought about waiting a while but how close would siblings be if there is 4 year gap?

They could be very close, like my cousins who seem to live in each other's pockerts or like me and my sister spend the first 13 years of our lives physically fighting each other, followed by another 7 psychological warfare and competing for potential approval.

As adults we live at opposite ends of the country. Talk on the phone occasionally if there's something concerning our parents. But we don't really do social chit-chat. For example, it was my birthday this week and she didn't call to wish me happy birthday (nor did I particularly expect her to, so my nose isn't out of joint.)

Or it might be something in between, you just don't know, there are so many variables.

I wouldn't have a baby solely on the grounds that there would be a lifelong bond and companionship, there's absolutely no guarantees it will pan out that way.

[chocciechip]

I had DS for that reason: we are 'older' parents and the thought of DD being alone one day, or dealing with distress of us getting older (of course we'll try spare her that as much as possible) was a painful thought. I knew they might not get on; I hoped/hope they will.

But when I became pregnant quickly I panicked. On second thoughts it seemed impossible that I could love another child as much as DD and I had a terrible fear I would not bond as deeply with DS. Nor did I think I had the time, that it would take away from DD.

But here he is (2mo) and I absolutely adore him. I well up with love at the pictures of them together even in these early days. DD is very sweet with him but it is hard work when I am home alone with just the two of them.

But... DD is at pre-school three days a week which makes it much much easier. And as hard as it is I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed.

[muminhants]

I'm an only child and I have an only child (by choice). When the older generation dies - they are all long-lived in my family) yes I will be on my own (other than my cousins and husband/son). But I might have had a sibling who'd died, or emigrated to Australia or simply couldn't didn't want anything to do with me.

Have a child if you want to, not because you think you should.

Rebecca Abrams wrote a book a few years ago (title something about hairbrushes) and said that 50% of people find life easier with one child, the other 50% find it easier once they've got 2 or more.

[AlpacaLypse]

Speaking from the infinitely far future as a parent of teenagers here...

Although a lot of families went for the two years-ish age gap, those who for whatever reasons had a longer gap have reported far fewer tantrums from child 1, a more relaxing 'baby' stage as child 1 was in school/nursery some of the time, and old enough to enjoy helping with sibling when at home, and loads of perfectly nice playing together sessions, as opposed to the ongoing squabbles that nearer age children indulge in. They didn't have tantrums about favourite toys or clothing items being handed on either, as they'd really and truly grown out of things as opposed to being only just past them.

Optimum seems to be agreed as about four or five years.

[HootyMcTooty]

Our DC1 has always been hard work. She was a high needs baby and is now a spirited 2.6 year old. Challenging, adorable and fun. I always wanted her to have a sibling and had every intention of having another. However, once I realised how difficult children can be, I must admit my only motivation for having another was to provide a sibling (god that sounds terrible). We had every intention of leaving it at least 3 years, but our DC2 took us quite by surprise and the age gap is less than 2 years.

I don't regret a thing. DC2 has brought so much joy to all our lives and is the easiest baby ever, which certainly helps! Who knows if they'll be close when they're older, but they're wonderful playmates now and adore each other completely. I'm glad I wasn't put off having another because of the challenges DC1 presented. That said, I have no idea how happy we'd be with one child. You never know how the road not travelled would have turned out, so you can only make decisions based on what you truly want. Only children don't have to grow up spoilt (it's a strange concept to assume they will be IMO) and siblings don't always grow up to be close, so if you want another, go for it (you don't have to do it now if it seems too much). If you decide you're happy as you are, then be happy with that choice.

Sorry, probably not very helpful!

[MamaLazarou]

Don't do it just because you think you should. Have another one but only if you want it. Who is to say they will even get on? I can't stand my brother and have minimal contact with him. He is a sociopath who harmed my early emotional development. There are lots of benefits of being an only child.

[MerryMarigold]

I don't think it's a bad reason to start out with, as it will all change when they abstract 'sibling' is a person, your child.

Personally (and I know this will be unpopular) but I think kids need siblings, some more than others. Some kids can just get a bit too used to the world revolving around them, even with parents who are very boundaried etc., it is really difficult for a kid to grasp they don't come first. Because they basically do. And I don't think that does anyone favours for 'life'.

[minipie]

Don't have a second child just to give your first a sibling. I am not close to my sibling and know plenty of others who are not close to theirs, for various reasons. Have another child if you and DH want a second child.

On the other hand, if you do want a second child, don't write it off because of the work involved.

First, even if you got pregnant tomorrow, your DS would be 3 by the time DC2 was born. 3 is very different from 2 yrs 3 months - a 3 year old sleeps better, has a little more patience, can do more by themselves and they get 15 hours free pre school. Of course 3 year olds are still hard work but there is a big leap from 2.3 to 3.

Second, having children lasts the rest of your life (hopefully). The time when they are small and it's all chaos lasts a relatively short time. So weigh up whether you want two children long term, versus a short term period of hard work.

Third, as some previous posts say, in some ways it may be easier having 2 children than 1 - not immediately but once you get to the point where they can play together/entertain each other (assuming they do). Smaller age gaps do I think make a difference here.

Again, I think the ultimate question is whether you actually want another child or not.