to want to leave my selfish husband?

[Hoggleforth]

I’ve been married for six years, together for ten and have two DCs (aged 6 and 4). I have got to the point in my marriage where I just don’t think I can make it work any more and my only option is to leave DH as I don’t believe he can/will ever change.

Although DH works full time, I work three (long) days a week as well as run the house single-handedly. I recently drew up a list of who did what and realised that the only tasks DH exclusively “owns” is taking out the bins (though this also sometimes gets left to me if he can’t be arsed). We have had many many discussions about how unfair I feel this is, but he just doesn’t seem to get that running a house should be a shared responsibility. He appears to feel no guilt– he can happily spend all afternoon pursuing his hobbies, while I cook, clean, do the garden, the washing etc and if I do say something, then I am nagging. I can honestly say it is like living with a teenager.

Things have now come to a head, because despite my being very clear I did not approve, DH booked a skiing trip for himself last week. I had been hoping we could go as a family, but I just hadn’t got round to organising anything this year and if I don’t do it, nothing happens. I would not be against him doing his own thing per se, but I am so so bitter about the huge imbalance in our relationship, that I feel sick at the idea of him indulging himself in this way, while I soldier on at home with the relentless work that comes with young children.

I can’t think of a single time DH has ever put me first, or gone out of his way to do something nice for me or the DC. My bitterness has now taken me to the point where any feelings I once had for him have been completely eroded and I really would be better off on my own. This breaks my heart as he is a good dad, and I can’t bear the thought of breaking up the family, but I know he will never change. So it’s either a case of put up with him treating me like a doormat for the rest of my life, or leave. AIBU?

Can someone so intrinsically selfish ever change?

I would say yes, but that they would have to want to. In your situation (countless rows about it) I would say he doesn't want to.

I think you've made up your mind too. Now comes the hard part, but as has been said upthread - the situation isn't your fault, it's his, so please don't be too hard on yourself. x

Hoggleforth Sadly, the time you are likely to see him change is after you split.

I've known quite a few families with this dynamic, woman running herself ragged to keep everything together, man acting like he's still single. It's only when he gets the shock of his life at discovering that his wife has buckled under the strain of doing it all alone and will no longer be his doormat/maid/cleaner/cook and sole carer for the children, that some men suddenly discover a burning desire to become superdad. And that's great. While he has them you can put your feet up!

See the skiing trip as a positive. If you want, you have a few days to yourself to sort out paperwork, see a solicitor.

If his only role for the family is taking out the bins when he feels like it, and acting like an entitled teenager, it's really time to move on! If nothing else think of the hideous example he's setting to your dc's.

I see two options here.
a)When he comes back you have his stuff packed and outside the door, or
b) you take off for at least a month leaving him to sort out the children and the house.

Maybe
c) divorce papers already signed by you, citing his unreasonable behaviour.

He may get the shock of his life and turn things around, but the question is are you prepared to see if he has changed? Do you still love him enough to stay with him? Is it completely broken or is there a chance for recovery?

I just don't know whether I can live with myself for breaking up the family.

I think, because you normally take responsibility for everything, you are in danger of assuming that you might also be singlehandedly to blame for breaking up the family.

It sounds as if things are pretty broken right now, to be honest, and I'd ask yourself, how this unhappy atmosphere contributes anything positive to the family.

I know that I worried about my marriage ending - for not dissimilar reasons as it happens - but actually, being a happy, single family unit, was in every way so much better than staying together amidst the conflict that became an everyday background. selfishness and the arguments that were a constant background and which made my dcs very unsettled.

You ask whether someone can change. I'm afraid I'm very cynical about the long term likelihood of this happening. Of course people can try but they need to recognise that there's something they need to try and change. Your dh seems to think that brief periods of helpfulness will be enough to keep you hanging on in there. Once the crisis has passed then he reverts to his customary behaviour. You could carry on like this ad infinitum.

He's already gone

This struck me.
He has gone and hasn't looked back. He hasn't bothered to book the family a holiday, or even take the children with him.
He has broken the family. He doesn't consider himself to be part of it, based on his actions.

From what you have said, it sounds like he won't change. He actually is very similar to my ex! Plan the life you want, up your hours at work a bit so you have a proper income, and then put arrangements in place to start again, I reckon.

Omg he buggered off on a boys holiday alone leaving you with the kids without even consulting you?

This man has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever.

100% LTB

Oh my goodness, are you me? This sounds so similar. Do what is best for you and your children.

He can be a good Dad from his new home, which he gets to run all by himself!

I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do OP - I understand.

One person can't change a relationship, and you've given it a good shot. Time to move on and release yourself from this unreasonable burden of a man child.

I think you need to be prepared to actually leave if you say it: as in don't say "that's it! The marriage is over" if you are secretly expecting him to be shocked into action and change.

This is your 'last resort' and if any part of you is hoping that by saying it he will wise up and understand how serious you are then I think you need to be prepared for the fact that he won't. :(

I am sorry, but it is him making the marriage untenable, not you. So let go of any guilt.

"Can someone so intrinsically selfish ever change?"

Not unless they want to and I cannot see this man changing his ways now. Another problem here is that his own family of origin are intrinsically selfish themselves and so his behaviours are deeply rooted behaviours. He is therefore unlikely to change.

Get off the merry go around you've found yourself on and make a new life for yourself without him in it day to day.

"I don't actually know why I said he was a good dad - struggling to think of reasons why now... Just that he adores the DC, I guess... though this is clearly not enough..."
Does he really adore them, or does it just stroke his ego to demonstrate his fertility ?

"I just don't know whether I can live with myself for breaking up the family."
You can't break what hasn't been formed. He does not exist as part of a family, he exists alone. Your family is yourself and your DC. That is not broken.

Please, please, please listen to Squitten Mon 26-Jan-15 12:49:26

I grew up in a house with a similar dynamic. My Dad was a selfish git and my Mum grew increasingly unhappy.

I can't tell you how damaging it is to grow up with two parents who dislike each other. They lived like separate people - never saw them do anything together, never even hug or kiss each other.

I'm not saying you are that way yet but your children will be so much more damaged by learning your dysfunctional dynamic than by seeing two happier homes. It has taken me years and a very patient husband to learn how relationships are supposed to be and I still find affection difficult.

And I blame both my parents. My Dad was selfish but my Mum put up with it and I don't thank her for it.

Is that what you want for your DC? If not, how will you prevent it?

OP, you're already doing the lion's share anyway. I bet being a single parent would mean you'd have less to do because you wouldn't be picking up this lazy twat's slack.

It won't be you breaking up the family. It will be his behaviour doing that because if he pulled his weight and showed he cared you wouldn't be wanting to leave him.

Can someone so intrinsically selfish ever change?

Well it sounds like he doesn't really see you as an equal but as a domestic appliance. Do any of us become less selfish for something that's just a tool?

Do you want your DC to see his behaviour as acceptable? To treat someone the way he treats you? Or worse, to end up being treated like a slave by their partner?

Ultimatum/Counselling?
Or
Divorce,

Do you even want counselling with this man?

Counselling must be worth a try - if only to help you confirm you are making the right decision?
People can and do change - the threat of separation might be the shock he needs to start making those changes.

But you have to do something. Only you know what is right for you and the DCs.

I have a friend who's dad treated her mum like a doormat her entire life. My friend grew up thinking her mum was a doormat - expected her to do everything without complaint, had no respect for her. It was her & dad in the living room having fun and boring dull mum doing chores. She was in her mid twenties before she figured it out (her mum had a major health scare) and she felt dreadful. My mum also has a friend who's husband left everything to her; now nearly 70 with a heart condition, she provides free childcare 5 days a week to her children who don't ask. She's on her knees with it but again they were brought up to believe mum just does it all.

Don't feel guilty about breaking up the family, see it as a positive step to give your children effective role models.

Hoggleforth

I'm in an identical type of marriage. What did you do? Are you still there?