to want to leave my selfish husband?

[Hoggleforth]

I’ve been married for six years, together for ten and have two DCs (aged 6 and 4). I have got to the point in my marriage where I just don’t think I can make it work any more and my only option is to leave DH as I don’t believe he can/will ever change.

Although DH works full time, I work three (long) days a week as well as run the house single-handedly. I recently drew up a list of who did what and realised that the only tasks DH exclusively “owns” is taking out the bins (though this also sometimes gets left to me if he can’t be arsed). We have had many many discussions about how unfair I feel this is, but he just doesn’t seem to get that running a house should be a shared responsibility. He appears to feel no guilt– he can happily spend all afternoon pursuing his hobbies, while I cook, clean, do the garden, the washing etc and if I do say something, then I am nagging. I can honestly say it is like living with a teenager.

Things have now come to a head, because despite my being very clear I did not approve, DH booked a skiing trip for himself last week. I had been hoping we could go as a family, but I just hadn’t got round to organising anything this year and if I don’t do it, nothing happens. I would not be against him doing his own thing per se, but I am so so bitter about the huge imbalance in our relationship, that I feel sick at the idea of him indulging himself in this way, while I soldier on at home with the relentless work that comes with young children.

I can’t think of a single time DH has ever put me first, or gone out of his way to do something nice for me or the DC. My bitterness has now taken me to the point where any feelings I once had for him have been completely eroded and I really would be better off on my own. This breaks my heart as he is a good dad, and I can’t bear the thought of breaking up the family, but I know he will never change. So it’s either a case of put up with him treating me like a doormat for the rest of my life, or leave. AIBU?

He's already gone - due to come back this afternoon. He went with three/four other blokes, I think. TBH I'm not really sure - I was so angry when he booked it, I didn't want to know the details. I am trying to work out what to say to him when he gets back.

plainjanine

That's hardly likely to be constructive in terms of ending the marriage amicably and future joint parenting.
And if they're joint owners or tenants she can't lock him out or even seek an injunction. He isn't violent.
I do wish people wouldn't give out such unhelpful advice.

I like Plain's plan - but I would send him a text message timed for when his plane lands. That way his holiday would be ruined but would prevent him from changing his mind as a result of issuing a threat.

It sounds as though your decision is made and he has acted so disrespectfully of the marriage it can be clearly conveyed to him.
I think you need to tell him you intend to consult a solicitor with a view to beginning divorce proceedings.

My DH goes skiing with mates every year. I don't mind. Because he pulls his weight, does nice things for me for no reason other than he wants to. I get away if I want to (bit of a homebird really), do nice things for him etc. That's how it is supposed to be.
Your DH shouldn't be making you feel like its your problem. He sounds a peach. I agree you give him a heads up about your relationship, might be the motivation he needs to change. If he doesn't, it should be your motivation to make change.

What would happen if you started behaving exactly as he does?

Working full time
Only doing very minor household tasks that take 20 minutes max a week
Booking a holiday away for a week on your own leaving him to run the show?

Because it sounds a bit like he needs a wake up call. A bit of empowerment and mirroring might fend off a break up.

Id pack his stuff up, leave it on the doorstep and tell idiom to fuck back off again.

This "man" is not interested in joint parenting. He's interested in having his own way, his own life and leaving his wife to care for his family.

That having been said he does sound a total fucking arse about to lose his wife.

MamLazarou - How can she "make it work" when it's her pigarse husband who is refusing to do anything other than what pleases himself? How is the OP meant to somehow force him to give a fuck? Marriage takes two people, not one, in order to be successful.

OP - You sound so deeply, deeply unhappy. If you can, use the time when he is off skiing to get some legal advice and work out your options.

Then leave.

Think about it - you're basically already doing everything yourself anyway, and at least you won't have him to pick up after anymore.

OP what do you think about th suggestions re counselling? Is it something you might consider or have things just gone too far? (wouldn't blame you in the slightest - what a selfish pig).

How is someone who books a holiday for himself without thinking about whether his wife and children would like a holiday a good dad?

Do you love him?

Entirely disagree that she owes it to the children to try and make it work. Why is the onus on her? Surely he owes it to his children to be a good husband and father and contribute to the running of the household? OP has told him that his behaviour is upsetting and out of order and he hasn't listened.

Also agree that 2 happy households are better than 1 unhappy one. And you'd only have 2 kids to look after if you left him, not a selfish manchild aswell.

Re counselling, I just don't know. I'm not sure whether someone so intrinsically selfish can ever change. He comes from a family who all put themselves before any one else and where that kind of behaviour is accepted, so it's very deeply ingrained. He will never be the man I want him to be, but I just don't know whether I can live with myself for breaking up the family.

Hoggle, you at least owe it to him to sit him down and tell him he's being an arse. What is the position in his family? Is his mother a doormat or could there be some help explaining the problem from her?

And ultimately it comes down to what I was saying before - why haven't you been testing what it feels like to put yourself first? Would he really not lift a finger?

I think you are totally not being unreasonable.

But before you finish things I would book myself a week away and leave him to it. If you could trust he would look after the children properly.

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them'

Counselling? In order to waste how many more years being used by a fucker?

He's had enough good mileage out of you, I think.

I'd use until this afternoon to get paperwork to hand for photocopying and look for solicitors.

Don't even fell you need to tell him until you're ready.

I do agree he is selfish - not helping with anything but bins is just a fucking joke and the skii trip is beyond selfish.

But you've touched on something in your posts that I have experienced.

You say he accuses you of being a control freak and OCD - I was like this at one point and I believe it was a sympton of similar circumtances of what you describe. You do everything because you know he won't and you want your kids to be looked after etc. Also being able to control things this way makes you feel you have an element of control in your life when other areas feel out of control - i.e. your relationship with your DH. I am not suggesting for one minute this is your fault or that he is correct to use it against you, only that it can be sympton that becomes a viscous circle. This is based on my experience and for you it may be different.

We sorted things out and are happy and content now. I would communicate how the day to day lack of support makes you feel and the ski holiday. I would not use it as an excuse to accuse him or call names (even though he seems to fit selfish twunt at the minute nicely) this just makes him defensive. I would consider counselling...I would see this as an ultimatum too which you need to explain to him it has got this serious. It is not about what he does do or who he is (personality etc) it's about the practical side that he doesnt do. But it's got to a point where it makes you feel xyz.

I know how it feels to think, god it would be easier if he wasnt here, one less 'child' to think about. You are free to just get on with the hassel of having it rubbed in your face, additional laundry and mess.

We did sort ourselves out, I learn to relax a little, and he really stepped up and made and effort with some parenting and social things. We have to check in every now and then about who is doing what at weekends so it is fair (week days are different for us and is split easily WOHPvSAHP - but even then I need help with bedtimes.

X posts with last post - sorry if you feel that way then get your paperwork sorted before he drains you any further. Don't be surprised if you feel a burst of relief/energy etc.

Get a holiday booked for you and kids too!

No, it's very strange - his mother is a breathtakingly selfish woman, and it's mostly his dad who runs around doing everything. Re putting myself first, as is probably the case for a lot of women, this doesn't come naturally or easily to me, especially when I feel that doing this may compromise the children.

My DH is potentially going on a stag do to NYC before our baby's first birthday. He'll only go if I'm happy though and would only do so if I was well supported and able to cops without him. Your DH sounds like an arse. Is he really part of your family? Doesn't sound like he's contributing much to it.

OP it wouldn't be you splitting the family up. It would be him. With his behaviour.

Have you ever issued a "shape up or ship out" type ultimatum before?

I grew up in a house with a similar dynamic. My Dad was a selfish git and my Mum grew increasingly unhappy.

I can't tell you how damaging it is to grow up with two parents who dislike each other. They lived like separate people - never saw them do anything together, never even hug or kiss each other.

I'm not saying you are that way yet but your children will be so much more damaged by learning your dysfunctional dynamic than by seeing two happier homes. It has taken me years and a very patient husband to learn how relationships are supposed to be and I still find affection difficult.

And I blame both my parents. My Dad was selfish but my Mum put up with it and I don't thank her for it.

We've had countless rows - he clearly knows how i feel...he might be good for a couple of days but will then slip back in to his old ways. He has this very opportunistic nature about him - he'll always try to get away with the bare minimum before I explode and then the whole miserable cycle starts again. I don't think he's ever really thought that I would actually leave him though. Not sure even this would change him. Can someone so intrinsically selfish ever change?

YANBU. Our division of labour (including working hours) is pretty much the same as yours, but the important difference is the attitude that goes with it. DP appreciates all the domestic stuff I do and I don't begrudge the extra leisure time he gets because he works very hard to keep a roof over our heads in a job he dislikes (I like mine). Spare money is for us all to enjoy together. He even asks me if it's ok to go to football matches.

Respect for each others time, effort and money is essential. If that is there then imbalances can be discussed and worked through. If it's absent then I agree that two houses are better than one resentful one. Is your relationship one you are happy for your DC to have as an example?