to want to keep him at arm's length?

[Hennightpanic]

Right - every summer I travel with my children back to my home country. While there my mum's neighbour has her dd and grandchildren over from the US and we are all good friends, especially my dd1 and her dd.

Her dd wants to come over to visit and we are all delighted. She was feeling too shy to travel on her own so her dad suggested travellling with her, initially sayinv he'd explore the country independently.

Now that the visit is drawing nearer he sounds more like he actively wants to spend the week witb us. Dd1 and the dd are not keen, they are teenagers and largely want to do their own thing. I'm not keen because I don't know him well. Also my ds has special needs abd during half term I need to plan things carefully in order not to wear him out. I feel he should go off exploring on his own, but we could one day trip together and have dinner.

A couple of people have made me feel that with him coming such a long way with his dd I should be more welcoming... what do you all think?

I think you should be more welcoming but I think you should start warning him that "My DD has lots of girly type plans for your dd and her...so be warned that us adults might not get much of a look in....is there anything you'd be interested in doing yourself? I will be busy much of the week but I can get you some guide books etc so you're well organised for your plans"

Just to clarify, I want him ideally to travel the country, not stay at our place

Oh well you should have been VERY clear at the outset. He's coming to escort his DD and you maybe need to be more welcoming or at least you should have told him there was no place for him RIGHT at the start.

I never said there was a place for him! It was decided their end and I had no choice!

Well it wasn't their choice was it?! You needed to speak up sooner...you're not a child....you are an adult with a voice.

What should I have done though? Told them both not to come?

Well yes...I'd have said it wasn't convenient/not enough room for two guests or whatever.

If he initially said, when plans were being started, that he'd be exploring the country independently, I'd hold him to it!

So, at any suggestion of staying at yours, raise his earlier statement.

I never said he could stay here, he said initially he'd travel around, it's just now that he suddenly seems to want to do things together. I've said there's not enough room and he's kind off accepted that though says he's flexible and doesn't need much space

Explain now that there seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding as there's not space for two or ask what his plans are..and then present the idea of the day trip and a meal and somewhere local he can stay when this happens?

X post! Go with suggestions of local air bnb sharing options as he is so flexible

Pillow that's what I'm thinking, just wondered what the MN view was whether I should welcome him anyway

And again, we're in sync

I think it's fair enough to not want to put him up - very different to have an adult male you don't know very well in your living space than inviting a friend of your daughters who will likely share her room and who will be entertained by her and not need much in the way of hosting.

I've said there's not enough room and he's kind off accepted that though says he's flexible and doesn't need much space

It sounds like he's fully intending to stay then!

You need to be completely direct with him and assertive, too.

I really want the girls to have a good week but this rather overshadows things for me at the moment...

He's clearly inviting himself to stay. I think it's fine to be firm and say no. How long has he been hinting? This will be easier if it's recent.

Well he's imposing himself upon you and seems to have altered his plans and invited himself to be your houseguest. I'm not surprised you feel as you do! I honestly think you do have every right to say no to him staying.

Just this weekend. It's a juggling act, I'm having parallel convos with his wife whom I don't want to upset under any circumstances. She's with me but a bit caught in the middle

'No, I'm sorry, that won't work for us at all. I understood from your earlier emails that you were planning to travel the country. I'm afraid I won't be available to host another guest as DS has complex needs and my time will be completely taken up elsewhere, and I know that the DDs are looking forward to having the time to themselves rather than having other adults around - and as I've said, that suits my plans whereas having another adult guest does not. I'm sorry but you really need to make other plans.

Even if he agrees to stay elsewhere in town the other thing is that I don't really want to spend more than a day with him, and his dd is quite happy to not see him as well, but he says he's looking forward to getting to know us better

I like it Brian, will use that

Even if not recent you can say 'I have been thinking of how I can accommodate you and it is not possible, sorry'

Then send lists of b&b's, and ask if there's anything else you can do to help. He was obviously planning on having a little break at yours.

It's your house, he invited himself, you uninvite him, fair enough.

Hennightpanic I do not think you have done anything wrong and I do not think you need to be more welcoming.

Do you know him?

Have you met him?

Do you want him in your house?

If not, I would spell it out, "I am very sorry but you will not be able to stay here. My son has special needs and I have to keep things very calm and even for him at home. We were delighted when XX (name of friend) wanted to come and stay as we know she will be with XX (name of your dd) ... and presumably your son knows this other teenager so it is not a stranger for your son.

It is not how much space this man needs, it is whether you want an uninvited adult in your house. Do you have a dh/dp? How do they feel?

If you genuinely have space and don't mind that is fine, but if you would not be happy with him tagging along with you and your son or hanging around your home, and staying at your house, then you need to be very clear with him, because the comment "he's flexible and doesn't need much space" sounds like a massive hint!

I agree with pillowaddict when they say Explain now that there seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding I would not phrase it as just space, although by all means say this too if it helps, but I would say it is about your son and his routine etc. It's not that unusual to have children who need, calm, space, not to have strangers in the house. My kids would find it very hard to have a new person staying for days, a week??? when they had never met that person

I would also say what you can offer, a day out altogether at the start or the end, if you want to and a meal etc when you feel it is right.

And yes, agree to suggestions of somewhere local he can stay when he is not exploring the country independently as he first said he would.