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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not like people just dropping in?

60 replies

Grumpygussetthatsme · 25/01/2015 15:57

I mean I probably am but in this technological age it isn't difficult to send some sort of message, wait for a reply,or pick up the phone, and if it's 'yes that suits' then come on round? People always seem to 'drop by' when I would least like visitors and often even if they text etc they do it a few minutes before they arrive and don't wait for a reply.It drives me barmy!!
Aside from emergencies obviously.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 25/01/2015 17:03

I'd like to feel that I can welcome anyone in - I like the concept that people can just come in. Reality is that I'm too messy for that on an average day. I like a chance to get rid of the piles of ironing and kicked off shoes! Right now I'm on mumsnet, husband is doing some household accounts so he has papers around the place, we didn't clear up after a very late lunch yet and kids are playing. I wouldn't bring anyone in right now.

SugarOnTop · 25/01/2015 17:27

i'm same as you OP....i just like my own space and need to 'get in the mood' for receiving visitors/guests. i also like to make sure i've got milk and sugar in etc for brews & nibbles for guests - i don't drink tea/coffee and i don't keep biscuits etc in the house (well...they don't last long after i have bought them!). i also want my home to be clean and smelling good for guests......it's just the way i was brought up and a habit that has stuck with me ever since. i also hate being interrupted in the middle of a meditation session.

i always tell people to let me know beforehand if they want to pop over - it's basic consideration on both sides. i have one friend who kept on ignoring this...the first time i ended up shouting at him because i really wasn't in the mood for company and he turned up knocking on my window because i was ignoring the phone! the second time he did that my blinds were shut so i just pretended i wasn't in!

ThursdayLast · 25/01/2015 17:31

My in laws just walk in.
Don't seem to be able to do anything about that.

meglet · 25/01/2015 17:31

yanbu. I am too busy and our house is too small and messy for visitors.

NeitherHereOrThere · 25/01/2015 17:33

Thursday - yes you can, simply lock the door.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 25/01/2015 17:34

I hate it. I am very sociable and I invite friends over often, but it needs to be on my terms and when I am prepared and ready for it. I think people who just turn up on your doorstep without warning and expect you to be delighted to see them and to be able to devote the next hour or two to them have boundary issues.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 25/01/2015 17:37

IMO YABU. But I have a totally open house where friends are always welcome to come see us :)

Clobbered · 25/01/2015 17:39

My mother's tip for unwanted visitors is to answer the door with your coat on - you're just going out. Not so easy when you have small children, admittedly. I've never hidden with the children and made a game of it, no not me…...

PrettyLittleMitty · 25/01/2015 17:41

Definitely NBU. My parents keep doing this to me and it is driving me barmy! I am going to have to move LOL

ThursdayLast · 25/01/2015 17:48

Neither nope, they use their key and walk in anyway.
And if I leave the spare key in the inside to block them they ring and ring and ring the doorbell, peering in through the windows, then wonder aloud about did we know we had locked ourselves in ho ho ho ho

This is a bug bear between DP and I. He doesn't seem to be able to stop them either.

LoadsaBlusher · 25/01/2015 17:52

I dislike spontaneous visits too.
Certain family members do this and it drives me up the wall , usually " popping in" at kids bath time or whilst I'm feeding them / clearing up / doing laundry.
I was actually having a rant about this exact subject last night!
I would never do this , I always text or phone to pre arrange visits.
My side of the family always pre- arrange.
DP side of the family ALL " pop- in".
Drives me insane, so you ANBU!
I suppose it's just what each side of the family are used to though.

SaucyJack · 25/01/2015 17:54

YANBU. One of the few joys in living in a block of flats is being able to ignore the buzzer for the main door downstairs.

dragdownthemoon · 25/01/2015 17:59

I really hate people turning up unannounced. I find it very difficult to cope with.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 25/01/2015 18:48

OP maybe you could call them and arrange the time that they are coming over to pre-empt things? Say if they pop in twice a week, call and sort the times and days out for the week, and each time they visit, sort out the time of the next visit (or within an hour if they are vague about their whereabouts) and just say that it is better for you to plan things so you are organised for their arrival, then they will get the best out of you?

A few different neighbours pop in now and again unannounced, but normally it is only for half and hour or so. They are spontaneous and so am I so it isn't a problem. I am not bothered if they come when the house is tidy or if my two Tasmanian devils have trashed it and neither are they. Just different personality types I think.

My husband's friend's wife is mega-planned and even when we were in their area over two hours drive away, she wouldn't let us pop in for half an hour (we rang first) as it wasn't planned. I couldn't imagine ever doing that, especially when people you rarely see are unexpectedly in the area, but I appreciate that that is just who she is and she's being true to herself.

I am glad there are other people who don't mind popper-inners though

Snugglepiggy · 25/01/2015 18:48

Me too.I hate people other than very close family just turning up.One friend ,thankfully not too often ,has a habit of turning up just as I get in from my outdoor and very physical job in the afternoons saying 'I thought I'd catch you ' usually because she wants to offload the latest news about her children.She's a very kind ,generous friend and would help out in a heartbeat so I feel a bitch to criticise but it really bugs me as I'm usually just about to shower,change and get sorted.A text or phone call to see if it's convenient would be preferable.

PunkrockerGirl · 25/01/2015 18:54

YANBU. I hate it too. I like having visitors if it's pre-arranged, but it's very rude to turn up unannounced, imo.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 25/01/2015 19:00

I would hate it if my friends & family thought they couldn't pop in

I still even have people who know the door will actually be unlocked and they can just walk staright in. Sure that would give some of you the right old heeby geebies

I agree it's about an even split on MN though so a consensus of wrong or obviously right will never happen

MuddlingMackem · 25/01/2015 19:11

YANBU, I hate unplanned visitors, I really don't do spontaneous since having children. Although I've never really been one for poppers-in anyway. Might be because I'm in introvert. Wonder if all these poppers-in are extroverts. :)

ipswichwitch · 25/01/2015 19:19

For me it's the whole "drop what you're doing and entertain me" nature of unannounced visits.

I may be cooking (I like to batch cook at weekends so will have several things on the go at once, that need keeping an eye on), doing much needed house work, decorating, DIY, stuff with the kids, you name it. Or I may actually be on my way out, so end up looking rude when I say sorry you can't come in, even though the unannounced turner-upper is the rude one IMO.

I do like visitors, I just like knowing when they're coming so I can plan the eleventy billion things I have to get done around them.

Those that turn up at our mealtimes really get my goat though. Just because they don't eat then, they think it's ok to waltz in, sit down expecting cups of tea, working the kids into a frenzy so they won't eat their tea (yes, you people know who you are). Mind you, I put a stop to that by giving them the baby's dinner and asking them to sort out feeding him. He's a food thrower, so now they've learned not to show up then!

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 25/01/2015 19:50

I hate it. I think most people who know me know not to just turn up uninvited. I have precious little time before I have to set off to work. I either crack on with a chore sometimes I just want some quite time to myself. Hate uninvited folk turning up in the evening too as I'm knackered and just want to sprawl out on the sofa rather than sit nicely and make small talk.

Glad it's not just me who only answers the door to folk I know.

Original poster

Grumpygussetthatsme · 25/01/2015 19:53

Oh I'd probably make exceptions and have if someone living far away happened to be in the area but it's those who live nearby,are over a lot and could easily wait for a response or call before rocking up that drive me barmy.Iunderstand I'm now qualifying my dislike but it's less a tidiness/preparedness thing than that sometimes I just don't want another toddler in the house or I just want a bit of peace-one of the most memorable 'visits' was just after I'd had an unexpected trip to hospital in early pregnancy and was feeling a bit drained and emotional and even when I explained this at the door plus the fact my kids weren't there they still came on in 'just for a bit' as their kid was 'climbing the walls at home'. I have tried on days when it really really would be unwelcome to put sort of 'do not disturb' type statuses on Facebook which any other occasional dropper inners respect but this lot just ignore,in fact they mention it as in 'oh saw your status but didn't think you'd mind us' why??? I always do mention if it isn't convenient but stop short of saying go away which is obviously what it would take but I can't be bothered starting a fight. They are genuinely nice people,they just seem a bit oblivious to the fact that their company isn't always welcome. I find it hard to imagine thinking I was so gloriously entertaining that people would always want to see me no matter what was going on! I think before several particularly bad instances I was prob much more relaxed about it but now I really hate it.
As to not answering the door our house is a pavement front terrace and the room we spend most of our time in as is warmest faces directly onto pavement so people can see we're in as soon as they walk up/pull up,before we see them a lot of the time.The hospital day I didn't answer the door so they knocked the window and called through 'Grumpy it's only us' to let me know they knew I was there so I stupidly felt obliged to answer but at least thought when I told them they'd go away anyway,was astounded when they didn't!!

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 25/01/2015 19:53

It doesnt bother me.

Jackieharris · 25/01/2015 20:00

I don't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone.

hamptoncourt · 25/01/2015 20:03

Nobody who knows me would bother just turning up as they know I would not appreciate it and would be very unlikely to invite them in.

I used to live in a terrace when I first had DC and MIL and other ILS used to just "pop by" but I just didn't answer the door. I didn't care if they could see me through the windows. Once MIL mentioned it to DH and he just said it can't have been convenient, Hampton was tired.

You do not have to let people in you know. If it isn't convenient just don't answer the door. They will soon stop. If they are rude enough to come around uninvited then they shouldn't expect open hospitality from you.

WhatWouldCaitlinDo · 25/01/2015 20:08

I hate unplanned visits.

Not because I care about the house being messy or me looking like crap, but because I am so busy with an 8 week old and a 2 year old that I have no spare time to sit around and chat. I am always doing laundry, nappies, etc. So if I sit around nattering it just means I have more to do later, instead of resting before / between night feeds!

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