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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have paid my parents for childcare

66 replies

KatieKatie1980 · 25/01/2015 13:54

Hi, this is my first post so apologies if anything goes wrong!

I had a very difficult pregnancy with DS in 2009/10 and ended up taking 5 months off due to pregnancy related illness. When he was born, I took 6 months maternity leave.

During maternity leave, I tried to request part time hours or find another job. No such luck. At which point my parents offered to have DS for me, but wouldn't do it for free.

Using my parents never crossed my mind, nor did paying them but if they were happy, it seemed to be a win win situation as DS adored them anyway.

My OH on the other hand, had decided that they were the biggest scroungers on the planet and that family always babysit for free. This has been a gripe of his since 2010 and he just won't let it go/wants to make me feel bad about it.

This was a usual day and I worked full time, Mon-Fri!:

Drop DS off 6:40am
Work
DS gets dropped to me at home by my Dad 17:45pm
My Mum has MS - not in a wheelchair, no mobility issues but tiredness and other MS related stuff.
My parents don't have a lot of money

I paid them (out of my wages) monthly and provided everything that they would need to care for my DS during the day. OH also had a problem with this but I didn't see why my parents should buy nappies etc...

I think it was pretty neat of them to have him for those hours, especially as my Mum has MS (she said it took her mind off things). To be honest, if they hadn't offered, I wouldn't have put him into daycare, I'd have become a SAHM because it would have been too expensive.

I feel they really helped us out because I really needed to go back to work (had to save up to be able to move).

So .. was I being unreasonable to pay them? Are they the only Grandparents on the planet who asked for payment (OH's words, not mine).

Fed up!

OP posts:

bobbyjoe · 25/01/2015 17:03

I don't see anything wrong in paying them. You're happy to, they need the money. A long day like that is hard work for anyone when it's not your child, especially with your mother ill. No nursery is going to take them at that time either in the morning. I think it's a win win situation. I paid my mother to look after one DS three days a week as I didn't want him in nursery full time. However she gave up a part time job to do it so I paid her. She benefited from free meals, heating etc plus some pay as she lived in those 3 days, I benefited from family looking after DS. I don't think I would have asked her to sacrifice three days without getting something out of it.

MyFriendlyDaemon · 25/01/2015 17:07

Far from being unreasonable you are the epitome of reasonableness. Your parents are providing a service of course they should be paid.

DisappointedOne · 25/01/2015 17:12

Absolutely right to pay. My inlaws look after 5 under 3s full time through the week including overnight stays. Nobody pays them anything, they're forever asking them to have themat weekends too so that they can go out drinking and you can literally see their life expectancy falling. It's an utter pisstake.

SugarOnTop · 25/01/2015 17:14

hang on - YOU are the only parent paying for the childcare that you BOTH benefit from?!!!! That isn't right in my opinion!

tell him he has the options of

A) Being a stay at home dad and saving on childcare fees
B) Paying an actual nursery or registered childminders to do the SAME job for a HIGHER FEE
C) Recognising the invaluable help you are both receiving from your parents regards childcare & at a reduced rate

oh...and remind him throwing toys out of the pram is your dc job - not his!

wheresthelight · 25/01/2015 17:42

yanbu he is being a twat!

my mum was going to have dd and I was going to pay her the going rate for a childminder as she would have been giving up work to do it. as it happens the job I have got means my mum can't have her as it's too far out the way to drop her off and pick up etc so we are using a childminder

mikado1 · 25/01/2015 18:39

Agree with everything pps have said and also to reiterate-he didn't even bloody pay!!!!!!!!!! Unbelievable.

I wonder is he suffering guilt from not paying for his child's care and is taking it out on your parents. Any criticism of your parents is a big no-no but this is completely over the line.

MamaLazarou · 25/01/2015 18:43

YANBU but they should be Ofsted registered and should declare it as income on their tax return in order for it all to be above board.

Helping out now and again is all part and parcel of being a GP but regular full-time childcare is quite another thing entirely.

pinefruits · 25/01/2015 19:49

should declare it as income on their tax return in order for it all to be above board......just like all the super rich do.

wheresthelight · 25/01/2015 22:20

Grandparents are not required to register with OfSted

youarethequarry · 25/01/2015 23:11

My mum gave up her 16 hr p/w job to look after my DS. She has him from 8.30-5.30 Mon-Fri so a substantial increase in hours although she enjoys it a lot more and doesn't class it as working. I pay her what she earned previously for 16 hours so I'd say I'm getting a deal! Wouldn't dream of expecting her to do it for nothing. If she has him the odd weekend we class this as babysitting but the week is most definitely child care.

FringeDivision · 26/01/2015 16:29

Every tine he starts up with this shit, you have to pull him up and remibd hin that his parents talked a lot but actually did fuck all to help ehen it came down to it. I would not allow him to criticise my parents at all regarding this issue.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 26/01/2015 16:33

I paid my parents a small amount, partly as a gesture of thanks and partly because I wanted them to be able to enjoy caring for DD without being out of pocket if they wanted to take her out, buy some toys to keep at their house, buy cereals and other foods which were just for her.
I didn't want them to feel that I was taking advantage.

mimishimmi · 27/01/2015 11:39

YANBU. There's a big difference between occasional babysitting and a regular commitment to providing childcare. It's hard work! Your parents were upfront about expecting payment and if your OH doesn't like it, well, he can try and convince his parents to do it for free instead. I have a feeling he wouldn't get very far.

BroodySince22 · 27/01/2015 11:45

What you did was a very good idea! Your parents couldn't be expected to pay for nappies etc for your DS. No doubt you'd have paid much more to a childminder and I'd rather pay the grandparents of the child to care for him than a stranger. Your husband sounds like a total stinge with his money. He needs to get over it!

k4yb33 · 27/01/2015 11:53

My mum is looking after my nearly 3 and nearly one year old. All week.i pay her. Saves me a fortune. (if my mum didn't help I'd be out of work and sahm as couldn't afford nursery fees) But I provide nappies toys clothes and for younger child food. Prior to looking after my 2, she looked after my eldest and sister's eldest (same age). When our two go to school she will have both our younger ones. My mum works eve and weekends to make up her wage as she hasn't a lot of money. But she loves her grandkids she would have all 4 if she could! OP you are doing the right thing. Ask ur DP how much would pay private childcare and he will soon go quiet.

firesidechat · 27/01/2015 12:00

Leaving aside the issue of money entirely, I don't think I could have done what your parents did and I have great admiration for them.

I love my grandchild and am happy to babysit for free, but childcare is a whole different ball game. It's exhausting and limits your life hugely.

Your husband sounds ridiculous.

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