To have paid my parents for childcare

[KatieKatie1980]

Hi, this is my first post so apologies if anything goes wrong!

I had a very difficult pregnancy with DS in 2009/10 and ended up taking 5 months off due to pregnancy related illness. When he was born, I took 6 months maternity leave.

During maternity leave, I tried to request part time hours or find another job. No such luck. At which point my parents offered to have DS for me, but wouldn't do it for free.

Using my parents never crossed my mind, nor did paying them but if they were happy, it seemed to be a win win situation as DS adored them anyway.

My OH on the other hand, had decided that they were the biggest scroungers on the planet and that family always babysit for free. This has been a gripe of his since 2010 and he just won't let it go/wants to make me feel bad about it.

This was a usual day and I worked full time, Mon-Fri!:

Drop DS off 6:40am
Work
DS gets dropped to me at home by my Dad 17:45pm
My Mum has MS - not in a wheelchair, no mobility issues but tiredness and other MS related stuff.
My parents don't have a lot of money

I paid them (out of my wages) monthly and provided everything that they would need to care for my DS during the day. OH also had a problem with this but I didn't see why my parents should buy nappies etc...

I think it was pretty neat of them to have him for those hours, especially as my Mum has MS (she said it took her mind off things). To be honest, if they hadn't offered, I wouldn't have put him into daycare, I'd have become a SAHM because it would have been too expensive.

I feel they really helped us out because I really needed to go back to work (had to save up to be able to move).

So .. was I being unreasonable to pay them? Are they the only Grandparents on the planet who asked for payment (OH's words, not mine).

Fed up!

Well someone certainly sounds like a scrounger - the guy who thinks he's entitle to 55 hours of free childcare.

Do his parents babysit? Are your finances joined or separate?

I note he's your OH, not DH. Whatever you do, do not quit work and become financially dependant on him. His attitude stinks.

Presumably this arrangement has come to an end (or changed) as DS is now at school? YANBU.

Slightly OT, but are you allowed to pay family for childcare? (I assume with MS your Mum is claiming some sort of disability allowance - rightly so of course - but paying her for childcare could interfere with that?)

You may not want to advertise the fact you pay her.

My dsis had DS for a year, she is a SAHM and we paid her.... it wasn't free childcare but was much less than a CM and she was super flexible so if either of us weren't at work we had DS and didn't need to pay.

If my OH had suggested she have our child for free I would have thought he was bonkers. It's a full time job having someone else's child and costs £55 for a reputable CM where we live.

In-fact OP, your partner sounds like an entitled arse!

And he gripes on about this for 5 years ?

What do your friends with kids think of his attitude? Surely they couid set him straight and tell him he's being massively ridiculous?

Thanks for the replies! Nice to know I'm not abnormal!

This was for cc from 2010-2012 (when I had DD in 2012 I became a SAHM because it would be far too much for my parents to cope with). We bought a 1 bed place as an investment in 2008 that needed stuff doing to it. DS was unplanned so I was in a bit of a pickle with needing to move etc - hence thinking my folks really helped us out.

He still likes to bring it up..hence my post. Things are not great at the min and I was just looking for other people to reassure me that my folks were not doing anything - pi$$ taking etc!

Before we moved, his folks lived 3 hours away - not that Id want them for cc anyway. MIL is a whole other post ;) a..but yes, his parents did have a lot of influence on this apparent terrible thing. Funny though, when we did move - the whole thing of 'family should 'babysit' for free' and we'd do it full time for free became, "oh we could only do it for maybe 2 days a week..oh but at your house .." They kept moving the goal posts.

Whatever!

Thanks for cheering me up though :) I personally think it was a lot to ask of my parents. I mean how much is full time cc in London these days?!! Lots!!

YANBU OP and your DH is a scrounger to even suggest they should have done it for free.

A one day a week scenario, or occasional babysitting is one thing. When I worked my DM had DS for one day a week and refused to take payment even though I offered it. We used to buy her occasional gifts instead (theatre vouchers, gift card for a restaurant etc etc).

But what your parents did hours wise is most definitely full time childcare. I would also be tempted to say to your DH that no nanny, childminder or nursery would have accepted a mindee from 6.40 in the morning! I don't think any child carers would start before 7.30, even if a nanny or au pair is live in.

Your parents must have been a huge support to you and they should most definitely have been paid.

I think what would have likely happened if go weren't paid, is you would have used them 1 or 2 days a week then paid full whack for nursery or cm, and it would have equalled the same cost.

I think by paying, you've kept it formal and sensible.

YANBU OP.

Occasional babysitting - then yes, most gp would do it for free. I do it for free for friends and famliy. But a regular arrangement - Monday - Friday all day - then of course you should pay them. Why should your parents have to compromise their free time.

Your OH is in the wrong. He needs to sit back and think about what he would do in 30 years time when your DC come and request 50 hours childcare per week for free.

Not every family member is prepared to offer free childcare. I am quite lucky that I don't need childcare all the time. My partner works shifts and I go to uni 3 days a week. If he is at work then my mum watches ds for free but your parents do watch him 5 days a week and long hours. What is your oh's alternative? Has his family offered to watch your child?

Your oh is an arse for a) his opinion and b) bringing this up so long after the event. Everyone should cover the expenses for their child(ren) and I think you should offer to pay for regular childcare.

What shocks me even more than your husband objecting to paying them is that he expected your parents to provide nappies and other expenses- how the hell did he have a problem with you giving them these things? Not only did he want them to do 55 hours of childcare a week, he'd be fine with them being out of pocket for it! That's absolutely taking the piss.

If anyone could be labelled a scrounger it would be him. He'd happily take advantage of your parents.

That is a hell of a lot of childcare!! I absolutely wouldn't expect it for free if this was a regular thing. Your oh is being utterly ridiculous and yanbu

Most nurserys wouldn't open that early but you could have been looking at £1000 a month

I work as a nanny doing those hours. They are hard long days for a 30 year old professional and I earn my salary 55hours a week is £550 a week. Tell your dp you could always pay a nanny this plus extras!

He's a very nasty and unreasonable man. He might have had a different view to you at the time when your parents were looking after you child while you went to work but what is truly unforgivable is to try and use it as a stick to beat you with so long after the fact.

What a complete and utter arsehole!

Your oh needs to understand the difference between "babysitting" and "childcare". My mum used to babysit mine so I could have a night out and often had them sleeping over. She obviously didn't want anything for this, (tbh I've never heard of any grandparents that would)
On the other hand my sister used to pay my mum while she went out to work, and my sister was damned grateful for this because compared to nursery fees she was cheap. If my sister had wanted a night out my mum would have babysat for free, but there lies the difference. Childcare on a regular basis on set days a week is a massive commitment to anyone, it stops you from doing other things, it prevents you from having a lie in if you're tired, it totally ties your day up especially if children have to be picked up from school. In other words as far as the childminder is concerned it is a job with exactly the same commitments.
The role of a grandparent is to have gc at their leisure, when it suits them, not to be providing child care, but if they do provide childcare, which often is the only affordable option for working parents, then they have the right to be financially rewarded for this. Grandparents who provide childcare are often prevented from going out to work themselves, but this isn't the case with your DM. She can't go out to work because of bad health.(very fortunate for your OH)
Has he any idea of how much nurserys charge? Lots of people would love to have the luxury of grandparents minding their kids, but all he can do is winge that they shouldn't have to be paid. Selfish, entitled prat.

He didn't pay for his share of the childcare - you did. And he complains about it still? What is wrong with him?

Those hours every day week in and week out are not "Babysitting" - it is full time childcare. HIBVVU to expect anyone to do a fulltime job for free or at cost (when you factor in nappies etc). In fact, this opinion of his would make me thoroughly disgusted at him.

How utterly rude to expect that level of commitment for free.

pinefruits, I agree.

FWIW my DH's family (inc DH) felt awkward about money changing hands. We repaid their childcare by sending PiLs on luxury holidays "by way of thanks rather than payment". Everyone happy.

Your OH is being ridiculous. 11 hours a day free childcare would be taking the piss even if it was your parents. If he was that bothered about paying your parents he should have asked his to look after your dc for free instead.

When my youngest goes to school my dad has offered to pick my kids up and give them dinner and look after them till I get home (assuming I can get a full time job) and have them all day during the holidays. I'll be paying him whether he likes it or not as it will save us a fortune, especially during the holidays.

Looking after grandchildren for a few hours/overnight once in a while is babysitting, having them for 11 hours a day, five days a week is childcare.

I just wonder if your parents are aware that 5 years down the line instead of gratitude that they helped out at such a crucial time your partner is unbelievably still wingeing they had to be paid. Personally I would be furious. I'm furious on your behalf OP that you have to listen to his pathetic unreasonable ramblings, but also on your parents behalf that their priceless input into your family is so unappreciated by this pathetic man.

I haven't rft, but I'm outraged by your post.
OF COURSE they should be paid.
That isn't babysitting, it isn't the odd night here and there, which would be fine not to pay, it's a massive commitment and what 60 hours per week!!
I'm really cross with your dh. In fact, I think he's an arse, and this would possibly be a deal breaker for me if he's always like this.
Rant, fume.
Now I'll go and read other responses.

The next time he throws this one at you, just cost it all up: 55 hours a week at X pounds an hour (dunno what that would have been back then), deduct what you paid your parents and ask him for the difference. So he can pay your parents that, too. With interest.

Babysitting is a couple of hours in the evening ad hoc care, paid or unpaid if family do it.

Looking after a child for 11 hours so parents can work is NOT BABYSITTING, it is full time childcare, and you'd be so lucky if parents were doing it for free.

He sounds ridiculous and entitled. Perhaps you investigate moving closer to HIS parents so they could take over, and do free childcare?

Out of interest, how much were they charging?

55 hours per week full time, could be anything from £3 to £5 per hour with a childminder, so between £165-£275 per week, if I am not mistaken?