To think of asking a solicitor to write to DS & DH on my behalf?

[Morven11]

DC, 19, A levels - won't get a job - has never thought he could/should combine study and work, even a few hours a week.

And a few hours a week even would make such a difference. We pay a gym sub (that has to stop); protein powders; extra food as he won't often eat what's in the kitchen (which, btw, is wholesome and varied - not many would complain). Tutors twice a week as he fell behind in his studies. He's doing OK - easily, easily time to work a few hours a week and make a reasonable contribution to his particular costs.

DH's job insecure. I work full time and, to make ends meet, have a couple of part time jobs. I'm exhausted. I've talked to DS - many times - and got no-where.

Something has crossed my mind - as DS won't listen - and DH is reluctant to insist that DS at least looks for work (and of course we'd help with that - in fact have done but he's not taken the next steps) and, in the meantime, to cut back on his gym etc. And that's go get someone to write to DS and maybe DH, too - in my most tired moments, and when I'm worried sick (which is quite often) about finances (they are severely stretched and incomes are modest) - I think that paying some solicitor or similar to spell it out. That his mum/DH's wife can't go on like this. Drastic, probably a daft idea, but might serve its purpose? I have no close family who could intervene.

[insancerre]

Did anyone see that programme about the bird nests way up high on the cliffs where the baby birds were just pushed out of the nest by the parent?
Now, that's what we should be doing to our teenagers
They really are like a bad smell you can't get rid of
I love them to bits but , my god, they are more demanding and unreasonable now than when they were toddlers

[suboptimal]

Sorry just refreshed and seen the rest of the thread!

You sounds like you've spent years pandering to a son and ended up with a very spoiled mummy's boy. He can't even write his own essays!

I feel really, really sorry for his future wife. I bet she'll be posting on here in 10 years time about the utter man child she's been stuck with and his awful MIL who never cut the apron string

[PlumpingUpPartridge]

suboptimal that sounds a bit like kicking the op when she's down how about making some suggestions on how to improve the situation?

Op, I think you've had some good advice further up the thread; the difficult part will be to stand firm and follow it. Would showing this thread to your DH be a good idea?

[BlinkAndMiss]

OP you sound like you feel guilty for not paying for DS, please change this mindset - you are actually harming his development from child into adult, he won't be able to function as an adult. Reading your post makes me irrationally angry with your DS for making you feel so helpless. But I realise that this is partly the way that he's conditioned to be.

You should sit down with him again and this time do not go back on your word. Perhaps start slowly, stop the protein and the gym first. The tutor is something he sounds like he needs so, depending on how tight money is, either give him a deadline of when you'll stop paying or offer to go halves with him. If his exams are close then at least that will come to an end, but I'm unsure of how he will function at uni when he's expected to research and teach himself the depths of the materials.

The things around the house you should deal with slowly, no declarations or threats that you may end up going back on. Start by just stopping - leave his laundry, including bed sheets in his room, then stop ironing things and just leave them in the basket. Eventually just stop,taking his things out of thr laundry basket. As an adult he will soon get sick of having no clean clothes. With regards to meals, start saying that you will be cooking xxx for yourself tonight and to let you know if he wants to put something in the oven at the same time. Please laugh off any attempts he makes to make you feel bad.

What about phones/tv/media, who pays for that? You could always change the broadband password and explain he won't be getting it back until he's started to contribute to the bills.

There is nothing wrong at all with him living at home with you, due to money and training I stayed at my parents until 26, then moved back again after a break up. But during this time I bought my own house which I then renovated and moved into, your DS needs to think about what he wants to do, the current situation will stunt his maturity and no one wants to marry a man child who can't treat others with respect, the way someone treats their parents is a big indicator or their social attitude.

Good luck OP, and please stop feeling guilty. If you insist on feeling guilty then do it for enabling a man child and use it as motivation to help him change. You don't want to be back here asking for advice on how to get him to leave hme when he's 40 and you can't afford to retire!

[Horsemad]

I sympathise OP and agree with PP you need to toughen up.

My own DS is very similar to yours, except gaming, not the gym is his thing. DH is a complete pushover with him and funds everything so our little darling doesn't have to work whilst studying. Result? A totally entitled young man who thinks money grows on trees.
Financially we can afford it, but no matter how often I tell DH to let DS fund stuff himself, he doesn't.
Currently, we DH is paying 44 a week on driving lessons!!! It is utterly ridiculous.

[PlumpingUpPartridge]

Ah, apologies - just read back and I see that you did make suggestions. Still a little harsh with the MIL comment though!

[Pagwatch]

Op I have two sons , 21 and 18 so I understand how long it takes to stop feeling responsible for the minutiae of their lives and let them grow up.

You have to change your mindset before you can deal with your son.
The badgering and 'weakness', giving in and buying him stuff - saying 'I am going to tell him I am cancelling the gym' rather than 'I am going to cancel the gym' - all suggests that you privately feel that these are loving kindnesses which you should be doing.
They are not. They really are not.

You and your DH are being impossibly cruel to your son.
Teaching a child independence, fostering self respect, preparing them to function productively and successfully in the real world are the very essence of parenting and you - I'm really, really sorry - are an abject failure.

Your son is not a horrible idle selfish git yet. But you are making him one. Your actions are actually making your son useless and dependent and childish.
That's pretty terrible isn't it?
The fact that in your heart your actions are loving and kind and selfless is sad but that's not help is it.

Cancel the membership because he needs you to.
Don't give in to buying protein shakes because, honestly, your not giving in to him, you are giving in to your urge to feel like a loving parent and have him like you for give minutes.

You need to stop and you need to stop blaming your son and your husband. However shitty their behaviour, this whole mess is of your creation and only you can stop it.
Imagine what you want your son to be doing in ten years time and then realise that, as it stands, it will be still living off you and a man-child.

Change your mindset really quickly and stop letting yourself off the hook.

[feebeecat]

OP you sound exhausted.
I really have no experience with this age group - other than having been in it a long time ago, but two things struck me. First, my eldest is now 10 and I'm pretty hopeful that we are past the nagging/badgering me for stuff stage. I guess we have occasional flashes which are greeted with with 'No. No. And this is not helping to change my mind in any way, so no'. She can go off and come up with a plan to earn whatever & I may then change my mind. But if she were still just badgering (bullying?) me at 19 I would be, well I don't know what I'd be & I hope not to find out.

Secondly, another with concerns about how he will cope at uni. I know someone whose son is currently repeating his third year. This fourth year is adding nearly 20k to his already huge outstanding debt, he is still (apparently) not working & she is in contact with his tutor asking for extensions/additional support/offering to help write his essays. When I asked her why, she told me he "needed" extra help. But aside from being lazy & it quite easy to stay put, live the student life etc there is nothing 'wrong' with him, he just can't be arsed. And on some level, who can blame him? I do wonder about his future - he's already complaining about not being able to do the same things as his friends who graduated last year & who are luckily working. I guess his mum will have to phone a few employers & explain his 'extenuating circumstances' to them. I do wonder where/when it will all end?
As all others say, you need to cut him loose - no gym, no extras & no tuition unless HE starts putting the effort in. He needs to realise where he ends up is down to him & not his parents. How did he react when he failed that year, did he take responsibility for it, or was it someone else's fault.

Hope you stick to your guns OP. It is for his own good in the long run, just hang on to that thought.

[ILovePud]

I think if he needs tutors twice a week and for you to write his essays with him then he will be completely unprepared for university (and life in general). This kind of effort to support him is not sustainable or ultimately helpful. University is not the be all and end all, there are lots of unemployed and underemployed graduates out there. Alternatively maybe he needs to think about a different course, one which he can get a place on the strength of his own abilities and efforts. I really hope you can draw these boundaries OP, it's not fair for your DS and DH to put you in this position, your own wellbeing shouldn't be the bottom of the priority list.

[mickeysminnie]

So how did not dressing his bed go? Did he do it himself, sleep on the unmade bed or did he wake you to do it?

[Icimoi]

If he feels he needs physical exercise, tell he he can get it by doing more housework

[stayathomegardener]

Rooting for you OP.

[Isetan]

Given your parenting style it's not that strange that you've raised another cocklidger. This isn't an entitled son problem, it's a poor parenting problem.

What is the payoff for indulging your son? In the words of Dr Phil, you can't change what you don't acknowledge.

Take the time now to locate the source of the problem, if not, I can see a pair of 30 something males mooching of mum and dad in your near future.

[JakeShit]

I second showing him all your finances and cancelling his gym membership.

Is he predicted to do ok at ALevel?

[Bakeoffcakes]

You're on the right track OP, don't give in to tantrums when he finds out you are stopping all this expensive stuff.

[flimmyflam]

I agree with others, immediately stop subsidising the gym, extra food and (probably) tutors. But I think that asking him to get a job now would be counter-productive - you say he's already struggling in his schoolwork. The best thing you can do to maximise his future earning potential and get him out of your house for good is to get him to get the best grades he possibly can in his A-Levels. If you get him to get a job now you might get an extra 60 quid a week from now til June, but that will extra money will not offset the cost of his staying in your home for longer if he finds it hard to get a well paying job because of poor grades. Think of subsidising him for the next 6 months (til he finishes his exams) as an investment in the future.

If possible, how about instituting some new house rules: say that in return for living with you he does have to work - but his "work" must be study for his qualifications. Make sure he has a 10 hour working days 6 days a week (7 days a week once the easter holidays begin). Ban excessive computer games, excessive telly, excessive socialising. Get him to ace his exams, then get on him like a ton of bricks to get a summer job and to start making applications for further study (funded by loans taken in his name and not by you) or steady, well paying jobs.

[Catmint]

Wishing you strength OP, and echoing what others are saying: cancel gym, shakes and tutors. Tell him not discuss with him.

I think the reason why you thought of using a solicitor is because you don't think you can do this yourself. But if your son doesn't respect you now ( and it sounds as if he doesn't from all that you've said) I believe he would respect you still less for getting a third party involved. Only you can do this for your family, and that's hard on top of everything else. But it is a much healthier use of your effort.

Best of luck!

[CalleighDoodle]

Agree with most other posters. It's your house and your financies so you do not need to explain the numbers at all! You just say no. Tell him it's now far too close to the exams and there are going to be changes. No gym membership as he clearly doesn't have the time for it when he still needs a tutor. You expect him to be studying for a minimum of 3 hours every evening after college. At the weekend he has to make one meal for the family, thoroughly clean his room and mow the lawn. He must also do at least 6 hours of studying. This is his last opportunity. The college wont be getting funding for him now so they wont let him resit again.

[CalleighDoodle]

And send him out to run 5k at nights so he is still exercising.

[carabos]

IME there comes a moment with teens when you just know they're trying it on. When you open your eyes to that and take back control, they tend to go "ok, fair cop, you got me" and either chip in or move out. Just in case you were wondering, that moment is now.

[ILovePud]

Just to clarify you are not stopping his tutor/gym/shakes, you are just stopping paying for them, he's an adult who can choose to continue with these things if he values them but he needs to work and budget to pay for them.

[Pagwatch]

To be honest I'm not sure about the whole 'show him your finances' thing. I think you should just say no.
Otherwise the message is that he doesn't need to do anything for himself because you should pay, you just can't afford it.

I could afford to subsidise my sons life totally. He is doing a masters and we help with accommodation because he is in central London. But he feeds and clothes himself. He has nothing but contempt for those getting an allowance from their parents. He wants to make his own path. He lives alone, cooking and cleaning, working at his studies and getting bar work or paid work where he can. He knows I could get him waitrose deliveries and hire a cleaner for him. He doesn't want that because he has self respect.

It's not a matter of finances . It's dealing with this atmosphere where he feels it's ok to take whatever is going and do nothing.

[insanityscratching]

You have to sort this out now or there will be no end to it.
As parents we owe it to our dc to give them the skills they need to make it in this world not least for when we have gone.You are doing your child no favours by wiping his backside at every asking,it's time he either stepped up or shipped out.
My three eldest all had part time jobs from 13 and I matched their wages with pocket money so no earning meant no pay at all.They all knew that after A levels they needed either to go to uni or get a job and pay for themselves and there were no tutors and no repeat years going to be funded by us.
They all work full time and ds1 and 2 both do part time jobs on top to boost their earnings,they've funded their own gym memberships,driving lessons, cars,holidays abroad and anything else they have wanted. If dh and I died tomorrow I know that they would all be self sufficient and that's what you need to be confident of with your ds's too.
Don't see your getting tough as being bad on your son see it as enabling him to have a better future.

[SilentBob]

I am a self-confessed "spoiler" of my one and only daughter- she's almost 17 and also doing A-levels.

We have always been fairly affluent.

Until last year, when we landed on our arses.

Fortunately, she understood that things stopped- I simply couldn't afford things sometimes and, though it did make me sad and feel guilty, I said no.

I haven't asked her to find work- yet- but then I'm also not paying for any luxuries we can neither afford nor need.

You sound like me, working all hours, knackered and sick to death of counting the pennies.

Stay strong, discuss everything with your husband and son and stick to your guns. Stay strong, Op!

[newpaddingtonscaresme]

Op, I'm sorry you're being treated so badly by your son.

You sound like my aunt who has 3 adult sons. The youngest 2 are 28 and 24 and still live at home, she pays for their gym memberships too!

She's a lovely woman, like you sound but her sons have turned into horrible adults because she did everything for them and was scared to say no in case they stopped liking her.

I'm sorry to be harsh but your inaction at sorting this is probably contributing in your son being unlikeable, I can't imagine wanting to be friends with or attracted to a man who thinks its ok for his mom to work 2 jobs to buy his protein powder!

Are you assertive in work or other areas of your life?