To think of asking a solicitor to write to DS & DH on my behalf?

[Morven11]

DC, 19, A levels - won't get a job - has never thought he could/should combine study and work, even a few hours a week.

And a few hours a week even would make such a difference. We pay a gym sub (that has to stop); protein powders; extra food as he won't often eat what's in the kitchen (which, btw, is wholesome and varied - not many would complain). Tutors twice a week as he fell behind in his studies. He's doing OK - easily, easily time to work a few hours a week and make a reasonable contribution to his particular costs.

DH's job insecure. I work full time and, to make ends meet, have a couple of part time jobs. I'm exhausted. I've talked to DS - many times - and got no-where.

Something has crossed my mind - as DS won't listen - and DH is reluctant to insist that DS at least looks for work (and of course we'd help with that - in fact have done but he's not taken the next steps) and, in the meantime, to cut back on his gym etc. And that's go get someone to write to DS and maybe DH, too - in my most tired moments, and when I'm worried sick (which is quite often) about finances (they are severely stretched and incomes are modest) - I think that paying some solicitor or similar to spell it out. That his mum/DH's wife can't go on like this. Drastic, probably a daft idea, but might serve its purpose? I have no close family who could intervene.

[Aranan]

Encourage him to get a weekend job at the gym?

[ajandjjmum]

Good luck - it's not easy once you've set a pattern, but if your DS isn't respecting you for it and showing his gratitude, you have to step back a little.

One thought - we always paid for the DC to be members at Virgin, and to be fair, although they used the gym, they rarely used all of the facilities. DS has now joined Pure Gym, which has a better gym for his exercises, and it's a fraction of the cost. He also uses protein shakes (as do loads of his friends) but he pays for them himself!

Hard to think straight when you're knackered and stressed!

[ILovePud]

Please don't feel ashamed, it's easy for those outside of a situation to look at it and see what needs to be done. It's much harder when your mired in it, this hasn't happened overnight it's probably developed slowly over the years and it will be hard to change. You clearly love your son and want the best for him too and likewise that makes it harder to draw a line now, although I agree with PP's who've said that in the long run it will be for the best for both of you. Making changes in relationships is tricky, your son will likely kick back against this initially to try and keep the status quo but persevere and take care of yourself.

[Purplepoodle]

I would tell him you love him but you simply cannot afford the gym membership, protein shakes and extra food as you are in the situation where you are struggling to pay the household bills and leave it at that for the time being. One step at a time

[imgoodatpointless]

I was 17 and on a yts. earning £25 per week. Dad charged me £15 per week rent and food, saying that i had to pay my way.

I got a pay rise to £30 and dad put the rent up to £21 per week saying that id better get used to it because thats the way of the world.

40 years later... he is still right... how many times do we get less than cost of living payrise?

You really arent helping your son by treating him to all these things.
I hope you can get them to listen to you, but tbh actions speak louder than words.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

He doesn't need to listen, he just needs to be told. His parents are doing two full-time jobs and three part-time ones between them. This is completely unsustainable and something has to go. What should be going are all the luxuries he currently enjoys which he can either choose to do without or earn for himself. That's it.

[mellicauli]

Sit down and show him the sums.

[Thurlow]

I agree, the extras have to go.

You are working, what, five jobs between you to try and keep the family going?

It's not a matter of being cruel or teaching him a life lesson or anything like that - you can't afford to keep doing this.

At some stage in their life, children have to understand that you can only have what you can afford. Your son is not really a child anymore.

He might not be able to earn enough to pay for the gym on his own part time job but the point is, he would be making an effort. He would be showing willing.

It would be meeting in the middle ground.

[VeryVeryDarkGrey]

Tutors are bloody expensive if he cant be arsed to do the work thats his lookout

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Morven You're not 'daft', you haven't 'failed'. You're working extremely hard, you're tired and you're a lovely mum - please don't be hard on yourself.

But PP are right your DS needs a reality check and he needs to show some love back by understanding that he's part of your family and that he can't keep living it up whilst his parents are knackering themselves to keep it all going.

I agree with mellicauli, show him the sums - the house, bills etc isn't paid for by the fairies. If he wants the gym/extras that badly then that should motivate him enough to pay for it himself (and maybe appreciate it and his parents a little more!).

Take care of yourself x

[laughingmyarseoff]

You haven't failed, you still have time but you need to get harsh now. Or you will be living with your DH and a 40 year old DS who can't do anything for himself and is useless with partners- just like one of the men I dated for a very, very brief time.

[wanttosqueezeyou]

Omg! What everyone else said.

If he cant afford the gym he can sprint around the park, do sit ups, press ups and run up and down the stairs.

Give yourself a break, give him a reality check.

[fatlazymummy]

My son is doing his a-levels this year, he worked until last weekend (laid off) and is now applying for another job.His college has told them it's ok for them to do 12 hours a week. He did 16-20 hours a week, and still kept up with his studies. He also had an hours commute on each end of his shifts.
My eldest son used to work 60 hours a week. He is now a responsible parent at 26.
The point is, young people nowadays are just as capable of working hard and being responsible as they always have been, if they are given the opportunity.
Stop spoiling your son, you're not doing him any favours (or yourself either).

[skylark2]

If he's doing well enough with his studies to have time for a job, he doesn't need tutoring.

If he's really struggling to the point of needing tutors twice a week, he doesn't have time to use an "all hours" gym membership.

Up to you how much you make him cut back, but at the moment you're paying for things which are completely contradictory. He needs to realise that there is a small pot of money available to fund extras for him, and he needs to make a choice what it's spent on.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Agree with everything said. You're doing him no favours at all by providing things you simply can't afford.

I also paid my own way at home from age 18 (when I started my gap year), I started work before then but used the money for social things mostly. From 18yo I gave 1/4 of my earnings to my mum for rent & bills. I had to buy my own clothes, toiletries, luxuries and anything else I needed. Mum might give me £10 if I was off out, but she couldn't afford to subsidise me. I think I have a healthy respect for money now and I'm not afraid of hard work to pay my way.

You're kind of loving your DS to death, death of the life he should have as an adult. What do you want for him in the future?

[fromparistoberlin73]

Don't waste money on a Soliciter op

[Viviennemary]

Just provide your DS with the basics. That is food and cheap clothing and basic toiletries. I don't think he should pay for his own tutors. But on the other hand a lot of parents can't afford tutors so their DC's have to do without them. Same with gym membership. You don't need a solicitor to tell them what is basically common sense. You simply can't afford those extras. No more protein powders gym and the rest of it.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

You are creating a cock lodger.

Think of the disservice this is doing to any future grandchildren you may have to have to put up with your sons behaviour. Don't bank on him changing unless he actually has to experience the reality of life. This means you must cut the extras and let him make his own way.
He's old enough to pass or fail on his own. I would also let him know that expecting him to live independently of you in his own place is on the horizon and fast approaching.

[Vycount]

You're not quite firm enough yet are you Op?
No gym membership.
No protein shakes.
No extra tutor. He sounds as if he's quite capable of studying for A Levels without special help, just like 1,000's of others.
No special food purchases.
Yes - to a list of his housework duties every week.
If he wants to carry on at the gym etc he will need to go and earn the money. However, as an adult, house work is non-negotiable.
Otherwise you are continuing to train him to be a waste of space for some woman to deal with in the future.

[Morven11]

Thanks again, all. I am determined to stop the gym - may have to give a month's notice but I can give it nevertheless. DS has been asking me all evening about some protein shake (c £27.00 a container) that he wanted me to order online a few days ago. In a moment of weakness, I then said 'OK' but actually, I didn't order it because we are crawling to the end of the month and payday. I should be saying to him - stop badgering me, please - and I'm sorry, but it was too expensive and, in any case, we provide good food - for free - here in the house.

I did remind him this evening that we bail out another DS - he's at uni and is working a bit but of course there are costs he can't afford on his very p-t earnings. It took years to persuade him that it was perfectly natural to get a job - years. I don't want this DS going down that path.

He could do without weekly tuition, certainly in one subject and certainly while he's still a few months away from the actual exams. Fortnightly would be fine for now but with the other subject, he has struggled - hence the repeat year. And he needs the grade for uni. So, tough though it is, I don't begrudge that. But I do, really do, begrudge the constant badgering about food, shakes, gym - it is all getting rather precious and very clearly unhealthy. Yes, I do think about his future friendships, colleague relationships and eventually his own partner and kids.

I don't know. He can be pretty off hand - taking me very much for granted (and presently he's expecting me to give up tomorrow to write an essay with him on a subject I know next to nothing about ..). I think I'm going to take a stand right now. I'm tired and demoralised. I want to go to bed with some hot chocolate and a book. DH is still out at work. DS has a pile of clean sheets on his bed but for once, I'm going to leave him to make the bed up and turn things off down here.

I really am grateful to you all and I'm going to re-read all the posts tomorrow.

[RandomNPC]

If he wants some protein, he can buy a pack of nuts

[Summerisle1]

(and presently he's expecting me to give up tomorrow to write an essay with him on a subject I know next to nothing about ..)

Am I hearing you correctly? He expects you to give up a day in order to do his college work? I think not!! This is his work, his A Levels and his responsibility. If, at 19 - and despite extra tutoring you can ill-afford - he still expects his mother to do his essay writing then something has gone horribly askew in your household, OP.

So tell him outright, there will be no £27 protein shakes until he gets a job and pays for them himself and certainly, you will not be spending tomorrow doing anything except pleasing yourself.

Please, and I don't say this to be harsh, wake the fuck up and recognise that you are doing him no favours in the long run by carrying on like this.

[PurpleWithRed]

Stop apologising to him. not "sorry but it was too expensive" just "we provide good food. If you want protein shakes you will have to buy them yourself'. "if you want gym membership you will have to pay for it yourself" etc etc. I wouldn't bother with trying to point out how unreasonable he is being or how knackered you are either. Actions speak much louder than words.