To think of asking a solicitor to write to DS & DH on my behalf?

[Morven11]

DC, 19, A levels - won't get a job - has never thought he could/should combine study and work, even a few hours a week.

And a few hours a week even would make such a difference. We pay a gym sub (that has to stop); protein powders; extra food as he won't often eat what's in the kitchen (which, btw, is wholesome and varied - not many would complain). Tutors twice a week as he fell behind in his studies. He's doing OK - easily, easily time to work a few hours a week and make a reasonable contribution to his particular costs.

DH's job insecure. I work full time and, to make ends meet, have a couple of part time jobs. I'm exhausted. I've talked to DS - many times - and got no-where.

Something has crossed my mind - as DS won't listen - and DH is reluctant to insist that DS at least looks for work (and of course we'd help with that - in fact have done but he's not taken the next steps) and, in the meantime, to cut back on his gym etc. And that's go get someone to write to DS and maybe DH, too - in my most tired moments, and when I'm worried sick (which is quite often) about finances (they are severely stretched and incomes are modest) - I think that paying some solicitor or similar to spell it out. That his mum/DH's wife can't go on like this. Drastic, probably a daft idea, but might serve its purpose? I have no close family who could intervene.

[munchkinmaster]

How come he is 19 and at school? Is that normal in England? Most people in Scotland leave school before 18. (Beside the point).

[Fabulous46]

A few things have jumped out at me in your post OP :-

1. DS is 19 years old. He needs to get a job and is capable of doing so.
   
2. STOP the gym membership
   
3. He is in full time education. If he wants to study he'll study, STOP the
   

tutors. It's DS's fault he fell behind, not yours! The consequences are
HIS to take, not yours.

1. You don't need a solicitor to write a letter. Bloody tell DS he's a lazy,
   

spoiled arse and if he wants protein powder etc then he bloody well goes
gets a job to afford them!

Why the hell should YOU work your arse off (with a few part time jobs as well as a full time job) to let lazy arsed DS go to the bloody gym when YOU are working?

You pander to him. STOP it. Would you expect his DP to slog her guts out and pay for HIS gym membership?

He's a spoiled little boy and you're not doing him any favours!

[wanderingcloud]

I have to agree that your financing him will only disadvantage him in the future. My own DF is still paying for everything for my DB and he's getting on for 30 tbh it's led to a situation where by he has no confidence to live on his own despite earning more than I do to support a family of 4. He's also never had a long term relationship, probably because no-one is interested in dating someone in their mid-late twenties and lives with their parents and acts like they're permanently 15yrs old. It's not healthy for you to be so worried about money and yet financing luxuries for another adult. because it will be hard but it will also be for the best for him and you long term if you just stop the funds.

[nooka]

Morven is the issue that your dh both doesn't want your ds to work and wants to spend lots of money on him? That he wants to spoil him?

I cannot otherwise see why on earth you are buying him completely optional lifestyle stuff when you are so short of money. Obviously you should stop!

So the issue is primarily with your dh. Why is he OK for you to work extra jobs when your ds is lazing around? He should totally be paying for his lifestyle choices himself, it wouldn't be very difficult and it would be good for him too.

[joanne1947]

Tyzer85 it's not as easy now for 19 year olds to move out, I think you're a bit unrealistic. A quick search in my local paper finds loads of flats to rent. He needs to get himself into the real world. I had an argument with my parents and slept in bus shelters for two weeks until I got paid (monthly pay) then I rents a flat.

[notnaice]

Everything everyone else has said.

It's not going to be easy at first. He's going to kick off as up to now he's made a fuss and you've given in. He will make even more of a fuss to begin with as he knows you will eventually give in. That has been the pattern so far just like a toddler If you are calm and consistent, eventually the message will get across that you are serious. He has three options then. To get a job and fund his extras, do without them or move out.

The answer is not a solicitors letter. Why would he take any notice of that anyway? It's an empty threat. The answer is in your hands. Don't ask DH to support you. Tell him that he needs to or you will have a breakdown with the stress of it and overwork either that or DH will have to earn more to fund it as you are not going to work yourself into an early grave anymore. Give up some hours that you don't need to work anymore as you won't be needing to enable your DS's luxury lifestyle any more.

If you don't make the effort now then he won't be able to maintain a healthy relationship in the future. You will have spoilt the man he should become.

Tough love and as someone else said be cruel to be kind.

You have no choice.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

As EVERYONE has said, no solicitor. No extra food, protein or gym unless he pays for them. Of course an adult should pay for frivolous extras, even if they are studying.

[DamsonInDistress]

And is this the ds you posted about in October, who criticises the way you do the dishes and other housework? The one who is your dh's golden child?

[notnaice]

If you were wealthy I can undersatnd the desire to help him without getting a job but even then I would only be giving him money for jobs done around the house. Everyone needs to learn the value of money.

You are not wealthy therefore he has to earn money outside the house instead of you End of!

[KarmaViolet]

If he's doing A levels I wouldn't try to make him get a job. A levels are challenging and if he wants to do well he will need to put the hours in.

Gym, protein powders and special food I'd stop though. Those are luxuries beyond supporting him through education.

[pinkyredrose]

OP time to get tough. Are you seriously working your fingers to the bone to pay for his gym and protein powder ffs? And why are you paying for tutors, does he not have perfectly good tutors at college and is he incapable of revising on his own?

Stop being a martyr and stop paying for the extras. It's making you unhappy and your DS doesn't seem to appreciate it.

[Timeandtune]

It seems to me OP that family have taken you and your well being for granted in every way . To go back to your original idea would you be able to go to your GP and ask him/ her to call them in for a discussion about your stress and anxiety and how they could support you ?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

It is unreasonable for you to work more than full time to finance your adult son's hobbies. If you can cope a bit longer, I'd stick with the jobs to build up some savings in case DH loses his.

[Dawndonnaagain]

I assume he's repeating a year if he's 19? In which case stop insisting he get a job and let him study. See if he can get a cheaper gym membership through school. Why the fuck are you paying for protein powders, anybody who eats a proper diet doesn't need that rubbish, and rubbish it is, particularly at 19.
As for your dh, I assume it's not his fault he's in an insecure job, so leave it.
You do sound tired and worn down, but you are perhaps looking at changing the wrong things. What are they like at cooking, cleaning etc? Are you getting enough help at home?

[Purplepoodle]

• stop paying the gym
  
• don't buy protein powders
  
• don't buy the extra food - if he wants it he will have to buy it himself.
  
• stop the tutors, he is old enought to pass or fail on his own.
  
  You will be amazed how motivating this will be. Sit him down and discuss with him that you can't afford the above and it's all going to stop.

[Theas18]

Your DS has fallen behind with his studies, he must be repeating a year as well as he's 19 and you are enabling him to waste his time in the gym - basic fitness of course is good but the bodybuilding, protein shakes, fussing eating? Stuff that! He can walk/ run for fitness!

I " keep " my kids without expecting them to work because. , whilst at school, study is their " work" he's not even doing that!

Stop spending money you don't gave on enabling him to make crap choices.

He's got to grow up , be an adult and set his priorities. If his priority is the bodybuilding how's he going to pay for it , oh and pay rent and bills ? Don't think he'll do that on min wage so he needs to get skills/ qualifications to earn some money !

[PUGaLUGS]

Oh my love you sound so tired.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself and be a little harder on your son.

Just stop the gym membership, protein stuff etc. STOP IT. Honestly it is easy. Stop indulging him.

Your son and DH should be bloody well ashamed of themselves... A full time job and two part time jobs sheesh give yourself a break x

[WellDidYa]

OP - pleasse come back and tell us you have stopped paying for his gym, protein crap etc....!!

[Bonsoir]

It is, apart from any other consideration, truly irresponsible to consume protein powders. They are not good for health.

If your DS wants an expensive gym and dietary habit, he needs to pay for it himself.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

DamsonInDistress Oh no, I remember that thread - utterly depressing, the OP was treat like staff.

If that was you OP, you need to be firm now, PPs have already said more succinctly what I want to say.

Also at 19 I was paying for my own studies, bus pass, materials (there was lots to pay for as I did an arts course), and worked to pay for it all and although I still lived at home I helped out and was very grateful to my parents.

Your DS needs a dose of reality - he's acting like he's royalty and you're just some peasant he can push around

Gym: Cancelled. Protein/extra food: Nope. Wifi: You keep the password and only let him use the wifi when he's done chores/homework. DH: kick up the arse/ultimatum that you'll move out for a month to DM/friend's house and let them cook/clean/pay for everything.

[Summerisle1]

It's time for the real world to intrude, OP. Stop paying for all this unnecessary shyte and let your DS face up to the facts. No gym membership, no protein powders and no extra food. He can like it or lump it. Your DH could be given a dose of reality at the same time too but certainly don't waste any more money by going to a solicitor!

[Morven11]

Thank you all - many thanks for such rapid responses.

I know the solicitor thing is a daft idea but I've been so desperate for an intervention.

Yes, DS is repeating a year as he didn't do a stroke of work a couple of years ago. Things have improved - he's certainly very capable - but he's not really putting in the hours. He could so easily work for even a few hours a week and take some of the strain off us.

Yes, you are all 100% correct and I take entirely the point that by caving in each and every time (sometimes after a discussion, sometimes after a bit of an argument and sometimes just caving in because I'm too tired to do anything else) I am 'infantalising' DS.

I agree with a poster about the protein shakes - they aren't necessary and I think some of the ingredients are a bit dubious. He wants to put on weight - be a bit more muscular - but he's actually in pretty good shape and health and I have said that if he's really worried, then a word with his GP in the first instance would be the way to go.

Yes, there are cheaper gyms - this one is pricey and he has the kind of membership that lets him in anytime. He could down a level or, better still, go to the local college where the gym is much cheaper. He could pay for that himself or at least do jobs around the house and cook his own food (preferably ours, too, once in a while).

DH I mustn't be too hard on. He would like a more stable job and, in addition to his day job, he cleans at weekends. I'd just like him to be stronger. But actually, he's tired too ...

So, strategy - together we should be telling DS that the gym, as the membership stands, and the protein shakes and all that additional food are simply unreasonable and unnecessary and pointing out, as you've all suggested, that when he's at uni, has a job, a family etc, he'll have to budget, prioritise and sometimes say 'no' to himself/his kids. So why wouldn't it be the same for us?

And put in place a plan of action which involves him helping in the house and generally being a lot more resilient - again, a life skill, surely.

Yes, I have posted before. I'm ashamed that I'm posting again. I tried last time, and was encouraged by all the comments, but I failed. But now, right on the breadline, at least until payday and then the need, as ever, to constrain spending, and worn out, I'm going to give this another go. It motivates me hugely to know that I'm helping DS, whom I love very much, in the long run.


Thanks all very much - really.

[CaptainHammer]

You're last sentence is what you have to keep remembering. If my mum had carried on paying for things and spoiling me, I was so lazy that I probably would never have got a job! I moaned and hated it at the time but am so thankful for it now.

He may moan/shout etc etc now but it'll be a whole lot better in the long run.

[WellDidYa]

nice one - btw - still dont pay for his gym membership - its a luxory, and it unreasonable and unnecessary!!

go you!!!