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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a really bad idea?

49 replies

HedgehogsDontBite · 22/01/2015 20:54

My daughter (21) has met a guy online on a gaming website. They've chatted on Skype for a month or so. She's now making plans to fly out to Romania to meet him and stay with him and his family. I can't get through to her how bad an idea this is, flying to another country on her own to meet a bloke she's never met before. She has AS and can be very stubborn and single minded. Am I being unreasonable and over-protective or is this a really bad idea.

OP posts:
OrangesJuicyOranges · 22/01/2015 20:58

It isn't the best idea but you can't stop her so how can you make it safer for her? Has she googled this man to check he's real? Could he be invited to yours instead? Could you discuss the choices she could make - what if he expects her to share his room? What if they go out and he gets wasted? Discuss possible scenarios and what her options could be. This may be enough for her to think twice.

LadyLuck10 · 22/01/2015 21:01

Yanbu, she doesn't really know him and could be walking into a very dangerous situation. Could you ask her to invite him over here rather?

fluffyraggies · 22/01/2015 21:02

Could she take someone with her? A friend?

Could you help her arrange a hotel for the first few nights, as a bolt hole? Offer to foot the bill for this?

I'd be worried too OP.

Original poster
HedgehogsDontBite · 22/01/2015 21:07

He can't come over here because he has no income so can't afford it.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 22/01/2015 21:12

Can she arrange for you to chat to him on Skype? Maybe just so you could get a feel for what's he like? Ask him a few pointed questions. She is an adult, but she's behaving irresponsibly.

onthematleavecountdown · 22/01/2015 21:18

Make her watch Catfish by MTV either the movie or the tv programme.

That should open her eyes

CrispyFern · 22/01/2015 21:19

Why doesn't she go stay in a hotel? Then if he's awful she won't be stuck at his house!

joanne1947 · 22/01/2015 21:24

Is she on the pill? Maybe unprotected sex with a stranger who is after your money and British citizenship is not the best sex but is she protected from one of the possible consequences?

If it was my daughter I'd want her to be safe, probably by staying safe with me at home but if she is going make sure she is as safe as possible.

notauniquename · 22/01/2015 22:56

Why not just get her to read the news.

It was only last week? That there was the inquest into the rape and murder of a boy by a man after they met up in real life to play games that they had been playing online.

I don't think that you should live in fear of the what might happen, but it may be better to suggest that he fly to see her first. Even if she had to help pay for his visit. It would mean she was safer. Not in some foreign country where she doesn't speak the language.

2minsofyourtime · 22/01/2015 23:00

Hide her passport. Not joking either

DreamingofSummer · 22/01/2015 23:09

I agree with 2mins

AuntieStella · 22/01/2015 23:11

"He can't come over here because he has no income so can't afford it."

Offer to pay for him, if you can possibly afford it. Much better that he visits where you can keep an eye on what happens. And definitely hide her passport, at least for a cooling-off period.

Ultimately you can't stop her. But you can slow it down by chucking a few obstacles in her path, and hope that gives time for her to take heed of the warnings. Is there anyone else who could have a word with her? Sometimes a non-parent's words carry more weight.

ChippingInLatteLover · 22/01/2015 23:13

She has AS, she's young, the situation is very risky, very very risky. I would not hesitate to hide her passport.

coffeeandcalpol · 22/01/2015 23:20

If she was mine, her passport would be in the fire, seriously, I know she's 21 but that is a very dangerous idea!

RandomNPC · 22/01/2015 23:22

I agree with hiding her passport. This visit is a recipe for disaster.

overslept · 22/01/2015 23:23

I would not hesitate to hide her passport. She is an adult and you sound like a total control freak.

I actually think if she wants to meet him she should, I've met a lot of people that I have known online and always been safe, 2 of my closest friends I met online.
If she plans to go there could she pay for him to come here instead? I second the idea of talking to him first to get a feel for him.

GingerCuddleMonster · 22/01/2015 23:28

I'd recommend the film taken.

I'd also hide her passport, birth certificates the lot so no chance of a renewal and fake not knowing where they are, then sugest "seen as you can't go why not use that money to fly him here" darling (see still being supportive of this crazy plan Wink ) and then keep my beady eyes fixed on him Envy.

OR plan b) just flat out say NO and deal with the drama that follows, when she's 25 she will thank you for letting her see sense.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 22/01/2015 23:31

Could you go with her? Yes she us an adult but I get your concerns. Or suggest a friend goes too?

Laquitar · 22/01/2015 23:31

Oh OP thats very risky.
You need to sit her down and talk to her until you are blue.

ChippingInLatteLover · 22/01/2015 23:34

I'd rather be a control freak and have my 21 year old daughter with AS (did you read that bit Overslept??) alive than dead.

So what if you met people online, so did I, a few of my closest friends started off as friends on MN as it happens.

But I'd have more fucking sense than going to Romania to meet some bloke who can't afford to come here and if my daughter with AS didn't, I'd have that sense for her. No hesitation. That's coming from someone who has done her fair share of 'stupid fucking things'.

RandomNPC · 22/01/2015 23:38

Some random guy you don't know in Romania with no money and a gambling habit? For some reason I'm thinking of Borat's village.
And you'd be happy for her to go,overslept? Seriously? Confused

AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2015 23:42

I agree with hiding her passport. At the last minute so she doesn't have time to replace it.

I'm assuming she has her own income to pay for the ticket? If not, I wouldn't give her a single penny. Nor would I allow her to charge it to my credit card if she doesn't have a card of her own, even with promise of repayment. I wouldn't facilitate this visit in any way, including rides to/from the airport.

If she's bound and determined to do this, is there any way you could go also & stay in a hotel? Wild idea, but it's a thought.

WineWineWine · 22/01/2015 23:50

overslept she has AS. Normally I would agree that as an adult she can make her own decisions, but she is a vulnerable adult and this puts her at significant risk.

I would also be putting the passport completely out of reach - I wouldn't even have it in the house. Then that will give you a bit of time to play with. I would avoid the direct route of telling her it's a really bad idea, but try to help her realise it for herself. Catfish is a good idea, but also talking to her about what she knows about him and 'what if' scenarios.
It might also be worth asking her to think longer term if she falls for this guy, is she going to leave the country to go and live with him? How would they live and support themselves? It might put her off a bit.

overslept · 22/01/2015 23:53

randomNPC I'm totally serious, if somebody had hidden my passport at that age I would have called the police. It's hugely controlling and slightly unhinged. She is old enough to do what ever she wants. Think of the comments on MN when talking about peoples behaviour where the advice is "If you wouldn't accept it from a stranger you shouldn't accept it from you DP", and apply it here. Would you take any other 21 year olds passport? It's theft for a start.

Birdsgottafly · 22/01/2015 23:55

I agree with doing whatever is necessary to stop her going.

Have you asked her outright if she has decided to have sex with him (and let's face it, possibly his friends), because she may find that she doesn't have the option of saying no, once she is there.

The rape culture is more prominent in some regions and she may find that the police aren't interested, or anyone else.

He might be genuine, he might be looking for a meal ticket, that would take time to suss out, which she won't have.

Does she know a lot about Romania, the scams that can come from there, the criminal gangs, trafficked/kidnaped people etc.

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