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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is a really bad idea?

49 replies

HedgehogsDontBite · 22/01/2015 20:54

My daughter (21) has met a guy online on a gaming website. They've chatted on Skype for a month or so. She's now making plans to fly out to Romania to meet him and stay with him and his family. I can't get through to her how bad an idea this is, flying to another country on her own to meet a bloke she's never met before. She has AS and can be very stubborn and single minded. Am I being unreasonable and over-protective or is this a really bad idea.

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 22/01/2015 23:55

Do you have any experience of AS Overslept?

wowfudge · 22/01/2015 23:59

After her British citizenship joanne1947 Last time I looked, Romania was in the EU. He has the right to come here and stay on his own passport.

overslept · 23/01/2015 00:00

ChippingInLatteLover Friend of 7/8 years. Met him online when we were both 18. Still friends now.

TheComfortOfStrangers · 23/01/2015 00:01

She may be old enough, overslept but she is still young, and has AS (a fact that you seem to ignore) so may not be aware of various danger signs that another young adult would be.
It is not 'unhinged' nor controlling to protect a vulnerable person, far less so when she's your own child.

RandomNPC · 23/01/2015 00:03

If it's 'unhinged' to want to protect your vulnerable daughter, then I'll take the label!

ChippingInLatteLover · 23/01/2015 00:03

One friend? Well, that's exhaustive experience.

GingerCuddleMonster · 23/01/2015 00:07

I don't even have AS and if I tried this at 21 my mother would have stepped in. Adult by age but not necessarily mature by nature.

Laquitar · 23/01/2015 00:10

I wouldnt care if it is controlling or theft.
Anything to avoid the worse.

But if you hide the passport it might make her more determined and they might turn it into 'a big love that it was meant to happen, and oh how romantic it is to have the families against our big love' etc so then it might be even harder to keep her away from him (or from 'them'). :-(.

DeeCayed · 23/01/2015 00:23

Another one agreeing with hiding the passport. I know of someone who meets women online and everything's been fine for both sides but still, I'd hate for my dd, especially if she had AS, to fly off to meet a complete stranger in a foreign country.
I know 21yo go travelling/move abroad for work etc but this just seems dangerous and I wouldn't be happy at all.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2015 00:32

overslept and if your friend with AS, at 21, had wanted to fly to Romania alone to meet some guy or girl gamer who didn't have any income, who they really didn't know from Adam, and they didn't have a 'back up plan' like staying in a hotel, you'd be OK with that?

It may be that your friend has a mild form of AS that really doesn't affect his ability to recognize 'danger signals' and to get himself to safety. OP's daughter may not have those self preservation instincts.

MumsyFoxy · 23/01/2015 00:44

No way would I allow a young daughter go to Romania to stay at a stranger's.

JustAnotherControlFreak · 23/01/2015 00:46

I like the idea of using the money she would use to fly out there to fly him here instead. The idea of travelling to Eastern Europe has always been attractive to me but I'm far too wimpy (?), i hope that there is some way in which you can dissuade dd too, op

MumsyFoxy · 23/01/2015 00:48

Also, Romania has a very high rate of serious crime (drugs, prostitition, human traffickers, online fraudsters!).

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 23/01/2015 01:03

Haven't read every post but agree with every word Chipping has said.

In particular, if she insists on meeting him spend the money bringing him here.

I suspect he wouldn't come.

Hide her passport.

26Point2Miles · 23/01/2015 09:56

where and how does she contact him? I'd try and make this difficult if its using your home wifi by letting it develop a 'fault'.....a few weeks of no internet and she may start to lose interest a bit

DoraGora · 23/01/2015 10:00

It's a spectacularly bad idea that could be fatal. I'd go with hiding the passport and birth certificate. Mind you, if bad ideas are her stock in trade, it'll only be a temporary solution.

Hoppinggreen · 23/01/2015 10:06

As soon as I read this post my thought was " hide the passport" but lots of other people beat me to it!!!
Is it controlling and over protective? Well even if it is better that than the possible alternatives.
Oh, and she only " call the police" to report you hiding her passport if you admit it - hide her birth certificate too by the way.

Original poster

HedgehogsDontBite · 23/01/2015 10:17

I confess that my first thought was to hide her passport. Unfortunately I can't though. She's away at university living in supported accommodation. She is planning on using her student grant to fund this.

OP posts:

eltsihT · 23/01/2015 10:18

I have met several people I have gamed with in real life. Including flying to Denmark and staying with a friend for the weekend. But I has been chatting to her for over 5 years.

I do think your daughter is being a bit naive about it. If you cannot talk her out of it can you not go with her?

All this talk about hiding passports makes me very uncomfortable even if she does has ASN

kaykayred · 23/01/2015 10:25

Your daughter is being very naive, but she IS an adult.

Insist on speaking to him and his family on skype with her.

Get his address off of them and ask them to describe what the road is like. Fucking google earth it to check if they are being honest. Get their home phone number. Try calling it whilst still on skype so you can see if it's the right one or not.

Get the number of the british embassy and tell you daughter that if she has not rung you by a certain time, every single day, you will be calling the embassy immediately to report her as missing, and giving her friends name as prime suspect.

If she doesn't want to face this abject humiliation, then she is to FUCKING RING YOU.

Insist that she takes well hidden cash, and no cards. That way her cards can't get nicked (I've been to Romania. There is a fuck ton of pick pocketing).

Insist she is to stay in a hotel, and book it if you can. There aren't many decent hotels in the capital, and the decent ones are pretty expensive.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 23/01/2015 10:25

If her plan is to use her student grant to fund this, I would ask the university to have a word. If you inform her tutor or equivalent, they should take this seriously if she is in supported accommodation.

And there may be rules about use of student grant which (having ASD) she make take seriously if she sees them in writing or has someone in authority explain it to her.

kaykayred · 23/01/2015 10:27

Maybe ask her what the hell she is actually expecting to get out of the trip?

A long distance relationship with an unemployed person?

Because that sounds super fun.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 23/01/2015 10:30

If she is on reddit or some other forum (not a gaming forum) , it might be a good idea for you and/or her to post about this there, and read the responses together.

Maybe in reddit.com/r/relationships

'My mother doesn't want me to meet up with an online friend.' the responses in that section of reddit are NOT from misogynistic teens, so may be useful and will support your point.

CarlaVeloso · 23/01/2015 11:11

Absolutely, I would also hide her passport and birth certificate. Really, I would. You are not bring overbearing or controlling. You are saving her from herself.

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