To say I don't want a bloody routine

[OohLaLaa]

I have a 4 month old DD. I'm very baby led with her, she co sleeps, breast feeds on demand, naps when she wants, usually on me if we aren't out, and I either feed or rock her to sleep. We have no set 'bed time' and just take each day as it comes. She's a really happy, contented baby.

According to some though, I'm doing her a great disservice by not putting her in A Routine. Rod for my own back hate that phrase anyway etc & so forth.

AIBU to think I know my DD, and that a routine is not the way forward for her at the moment?

Depends. If she stays your only child, don't see a problem (so long as it doesn't bother you)

You won't like it though if you have a no 2 child! two children doing their own thing when they feel like it would be a nightmare imo!

As others have said, do what suits you. With dd1, I was back to work at 5 months, so we had a set time for wakening up, breakfast, she napped at my mils in the morning (she minded her), we did something in the afternoon, dinner, bath, bed - we fell into a very routine type of day. With my subsequent kids, the baby at the time had to fit in with the older ones days - school runs, homework time, after school bits and pieces, not being picked up and held as much, having to cry and amuse themselves a bit more.

Whatever works.

My OCD can't handle a lack of routine. Knowing what to do and what to expect helps keep me sane.

keeps me sane. Others can do whatever they want.

Thank you everyone!

I've had it from my dad, MIL, a few older family members. Think I'll do what others say, smile sweetly and tell them I'm glad it works for them.

Apologies to those who thought I was being detrimental to routine, I wasnt implying that I am superior to them. Just that it isn't for me at the moment (I totally get that if we were to have another child, routine from the get go is pretty inevitable).

And to the person who congratulated me on being 'the perfect mother', I wish! Perhaps she would sleep for longer than 2 hours at night time if I was

Dd had no routine when she was 4mths, except that her sleep-feed-change-play cycle was about every 3 hours. That was led by her, not something I or DH imposed, although we did encourage it as it gave us a little idea of what we should be doing and when.

Since she's been at nursery, from about 6mths, she has naturally got into more of a routine, but it has taken us a while to have an actual bedtime. This has only happened in the last month or so (she's 9mth now), because she was ready to sleep all night (had started weaning and was more active so wore herself out more), and tbh because DH and I were getting worn out from her being awake till 10pm every night.

Striking the right balance between two opposing parenthood styles, ie the clockwatching, rigid routine and the laissez faire, let baby do what they want, when they want, is a very personal thing. Your dd is happy and contented, you seem happy with the situation, so don't worry.

Good advice zzzzz, I'm definitely going to book one

I had no routine with DS at 4 months and we were both very happy. I found it felt unnatural to enforce one and I didn't feel the need (for me as a mum. I don't really enjoy routine in my own life, bores me). At about 7 months it just happened. With weaning, it sort of has to, or I imagine you'd have a ratty hungry baby at points. Bedtime just became 7 at some point as he started getting tired then. Now he's a toddler he has a routine (which he definitely needs) much the same as the toddlers of my friends who had a strict one from 2/3 months. The kids all seem fine. Do what feels right and ignore everyone else. No one really has the answer with this stuff, some just like to think they do

Do you get up in the morning?

Similar time each day?

Lunch about same time?

Dinner about same?

Go to bed similar?

That's a routine. A conventional boring middle of the road routine. I really hate all this faux superiority of "I'm so cool, just fly by the seat of my pants roll with the wind" attitude people have about routines. It does not mean rigidity or control crying.

Your normal.

Don't worry about other people, just do what suits you.

We had our twins 2 years ago, as we are among the last in our circles of family / friends to have children we got to see what other people close to us did - and the results.

To begin with while DW was on maternity is was all very attachment style parenting, letting the babies tell us what they needed etc. As she was getting ready to go back to work we enforced routines around bedtimes, naptimes and mealtimes in preparation.
Now DW is working again, I have to be able to structure my day as I have a farm to run. I need to know when they'll nap etc. so I can get things done / get my mother in to watch them etc.
As they get older we have found a gradually increasing regime of routine has been helpful.

My first was much like yours, no routine at all. He slept when he wanted, ate when he wanted and was happy and contented and slept brilliantly.

Then dc2 came along. He wouldn't sleep at night, was permanently disgruntled, never settled well. So at 5 months I gave him a routine and he loved it. An instant change into a happy baby.

so the answer is (as well you know!) routines aren't necessary for every baby. Some need them, some don't. You've got one of the latter so ignore those who've only had experience of the former :) nod and smile, just nod and smile.

Btw check local childrens centre for first aid. Will be free.

But if you have done normal first aid it's basically the same.

it's just a different generation offering advice from their own experience. And whether you like it or not, some things might become a rod for your own back. Or, they might not.

If you are not planning to go back to work or taking a whole year off, at this stage it probably doesn't matter. Someone who's returning to work at 6 months and therefore using childcare would probably look to establish a routine that doesn't involve sleeping on you, for example, at this point.

And yes, once you start weaning, it does become more routiney.

I was fairly similar with my 3 but had to impose some sort of routine once I went back to work. However a friend had no routine with her children and battled to get them into one once they started school. Her third child is still pre school and will not go to sleep without being on one of the parents chests so they are tied as to what they can do in the evenings etc as he will not settle without them. Some kind of routine is essential as they get older but not at this early stage. YANBU

DS is coming up to 14 months and we haven't had a routine either, similarly to you we have been quite baby led as it were. He (still!) BFs on demand, co-sleeps with us, loves to nap in the sling when the mood takes him etc...

It just suits him and us, it was hardly us "being faux... cool", . Chili, I hate that attitude and think your post was unnecessarily rude, it implies that my parenting choices are in some way only chosen for us to appear hip and relaxed to other people and are not in fact because it's what we felt was right for us! I think it's a bit obnoxious to assume that because someone does parent differently they are somehow trying to 'show off'.

For the record OP, our DS wakes at different times each day, sometimes has lunch earlier or later in the day depending on what we are doing and goes to bed when he seems tired. The only 'routine' thing is a bath in the evening, because he enjoys it so much, but this can switch to the day if he's poorly/unhappy! We also have some regular groups/clubs which I suppose give his week some structure.

It just naturally happened like it did and I feel it really helped me with getting our breastfeeding established and I can honestly say that I've really enjoyed his first year, that's because we went with what felt like it worked.

Routines definitely work for some people, I think it's all down to personality of both the parents and the baby! I would never criticise another parents way of coping with the demanding job of looking after a young baby.

I'm not sure what will happen when number 2 comes along and DS is older we might find that a routine works well for us then. Until then we will just wait and see.

I had to have a routine with my twins, life was chaotic enough as it was.
The older generation just love to impart their ideas on to younger parents. Do as you like.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Well I was being dismissive. Least you did get the right end of the stick. You're deluding yourself that because it's not baby whisperer it's not a routine. If you have lunch around 12 or 1 most days, that's a routine. It really isn't any more complicated than that. It's emperors clothes.

I've got three and none of them ha r ever had a routine other than going to bed and getting up at roughly same time

They just fitted in with what I did and were fine

Just couldn't be arsed tbh. I have mates who can't (won't) even leave the house as their pfb has a nap at certain times. fuck that

I could have written exactly your post op. Same age dd. I'm glad to read that other people parent this way. I know clear routines work for some people but the idea stressed me out. When she starts nursery I expect that she'll adapt to that structure as her day will be completely different.

We are all different. I loved us having a routine and dd seemed to just settle into it.

Glad you are enjoying your baby.

I didn't have a routine with ds1 - I'd watched my dsis try to use a routine from a book when she was having problems with her dd1 and the grief it caused both of them was horrible to watch. I also had my mum try to get me to impose her routine of having a nap after lunch - she didn't get that what worked for ds1 and me was to have a nap mid morning - that was the point I had my crash and being able to have a quick nap then when both of us were tired worked really well for us and meant that I was able to be awake and do stuff afterwards, rather than sitting for hours until after lunch struggling to keep my eyes open. (of course, if ds had a nap then I was happy to have another ) And it helped that I had a ds that didn't wake up particularly early, which suited me well - not sure I'd have been quite so happy if he was a baby that woke up at 5am every morning instead of 8-9am!

When ds2 came along, ds1 was going to nursery so to some extent he had to fit into the routine that we'd developed. But it was loose, and it's not like being at school where you have to be there at 9am or else - if you're a few minutes late or even an hour late it doesn't really matter. But he also did things his own way too where he could - he never ever went down for a sleep in the early evening - he'd have a feed about 7, ds1 would go to bed but ds2 would be wide awake until about 10-11pm at which point he'd have another feed (aka a dream feed for most babies!) and then go to sleep. He'd just sit in the bouncy chair or high chair with us in the evenings - much better than me spending hours trying to get him to sleep or him spending hours crying every night even though there were lots of people that were horrified I didn't put him down in the early evening.

So long as you are both happy and it works for you, then that's great. And as your ds gets older, you'll both muddle through and continue to find out what works for you both and evolve your routine so it continues to work. Lots of people who have 'a routine' forget to mention that as their baby gets older they too have to adapt their routine as their and their child's needs change. Sometimes there will be outside influences that cause a change (nursery, school, new baby, etc) and other times it will just be one of those things that happens.

You have a great routine - a baby-led routine. Lots of other people that have routines that they get from a book - and some of those will be people that have written what worked for their baby (and might or might not work for you) while others write what they think should work in an ideal world.

Remember - your baby hasn't read any of the baby routine books and really doesn't care about them - so long as you are both happy that's great - do whatever works for you both and long may it continue

I have had two very routine babies They are happiest when everything happens at predictable times and sleeping through the night definitely works for me.

I was the same. Ignore including mad hv

Put it this way - whatever you are doing is wrong.

And if you change to something else - that would be wrong too.

If you had a routine there would be people telling you that you were being cruel by imposing a routine on a baby.

The fact you don't have one - you get people telling you that you should have one and are basically fucking up

One of the joys of parenthood is apparently having every other mother in existence telling you that you're doing it wrong.

So relax in your wrongness and go with it!