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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

JUDGE ME!!!

27 replies

Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:08

Ok, I'm thinking of going on ESA. I know it's the best thing, working makes me really ill, and not in a controllable gradual way, in a way where I take on more and more shifts and get more and more excited and think I know better than everyone and make really stupid and dangerous decisions and become disruptive and eventually either collapse and lock myself away or get sectioned. (I have bipolar disorder and that is me on meds)

BUT. When I'm stable or on the way up or down I come across as even better than normal. I go out loads, spend money and show off about it, etc. so people judge me and it makes me want to kill myself. (Told you I'm bipolar!)

Anyway. Pretend you are a knob who judges me behind my back, making me paranoid. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. What would make you less likely to judge me? I have two primary school age kids, I'm a single mum who does some looking after of my grandmother but not enough to qualify as a carer, and she is another one who can 'pass' as well, but needs help with things like using her TV, getting paranoid, taking her meds etc.

So! Help me avoid judgy people by judging me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:11

Oh, I get DLA and am under secondary mental health services (ie I get visited at least every two weeks, sometimes several times a week, I have a care plan that I follow or might get in trouble, my family have to make sure I don't do crazy things, my GP gets extra funding, etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:15

Although they have said they have no worries about me having my kids alone, and anyway I live with my parents.

OP posts:
LoisDrankMyTableDecoration · 21/01/2015 00:15

Hey op, how are you feeling at the moment? Your post is a little conflicting why don't you have a chat with us, what's making you feel worried about being judged?

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:17

Because I get enough little comments off people about things like me going out and having a fancy phone, and that's what they say to my face.

Plus: see the media and the government and everything. I do appear to be living the high life. Mostly because I sign up to stupid things when manic.

OP posts:
LoisDrankMyTableDecoration · 21/01/2015 00:17

Also, you might try getting this moved to the mental health boards, there are some really helpful, knowledgeable posters on there who might be more help Flowers

FightOrFlight · 21/01/2015 00:18

I wouldn't judge anyone that has bipolar. Erm ... that's it really.

But, if I was an uneducated knob I'd probably judge you for anything from ESA, through being a single parent and onwards to what colour you paint your kitchen. There's no hope for that kind of person, whatever you do they are going to find an excuse to try and make themselves feel superior.

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:19

Also. I'm moving house and I just split up with my boyfriend and I've not seen my care co ordinator for ages because I keep avoiding her and I'm flirting with everyone and doing stupid things.

I can keep it together for the kids but I only eat because my parents cook and encourage me. I obviously feed the kids no matter what but run about aimlessly while they eat.

OP posts:
LoisDrankMyTableDecoration · 21/01/2015 00:19

Some people are just dicks, its even harder to deal with them when you are not well but try and ignore them, they don't matter! Concentrate on getting better. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to?

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:20

I know nice people don't judge. I just will get paranoid so I need ways to make myself feel less judged. Even if it is just a cover story.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:23

I have brilliant friends and my mum is a MH nurse, I'm not in any risk. Currently staying up so I get tired enough to sleep without crying about my breakup, but it is very recent so that's normal.

OP posts:
Primaryteach87 · 21/01/2015 00:24

You said you've been avoiding your care co-ordinator, what makes you not want to see them? Are you worried about anything in particular?

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:25

Just I CBA really.

OP posts:
kormachameleon · 21/01/2015 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:28

It's easier said than done to ignore the judgers though, isn't it?

OP posts:
PulpsNotFiction · 21/01/2015 00:29

It does not matter one iota what ANYBODY else thinks. It really really doesn't. Do what is right for you and your kids and gran, that is all. My only concern for you would be where you'd channel your energies if you gave up work. But that would be a concern and not a judgement which is different. My dad was bi polar and let's just say he made some strange choices once he gave up his job.

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:33

That's the issue. I get paranoid about judgers so do daft things.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 21/01/2015 00:34

I don't judge anyone. I never have done. People make the best decision for themsrlvrs and do what they have to.

Primaryteach87 · 21/01/2015 00:38

Would journaling the the things you're worried the judging type think, and writing the truth next to it help?Then if youre feeling particularly stressed you can refer back to it.

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:40

That could work!

OP posts:
FightOrFlight · 21/01/2015 00:45

How long have you been in this current manic phase and how long does it generally last?

Is it that you CBA to see your care-co or would it feel like just another person judging you? Are worried about being sectioned again?

Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:50

I'm not sure I'm manic now, I'm just upset.

I won't get sectioned, it is very hard to get sectioned these days

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittapieandchips · 21/01/2015 00:51

I'm doing all the tasks I need to do, I'm looking after the kids, and I'm moving house.

OP posts:
FightOrFlight · 21/01/2015 00:57

I'm not sure I'm manic now, I'm just upset.

Ah, okay I just got that impression from your earlier comment "I'm flirting with everyone and doing stupid things." That sounded like you were in a manic phase.

RandomNPC · 21/01/2015 00:57

If you're anything like me Britta, then you're own worst judge: my MH problems cause me to be really harsh on myself, far worse than anyone else. I think I then project those judgemental beliefs into others too; as in if I can think that badly about myself, then they are bound to as well. I don't know if I am making much sense there!
It's a truism, but so many people don't understand MH problems. People expect you to be manic or really low all of the time, and if not then there's nothing really wrong, or you're cured. They don't understand the relapsing aspect, the cycling.
It's easy to say fuck the judgemental people and their opinions, but I know it's far more difficult than that. If your own brain is feeding you guilt and telling you you're crap, it's very hard to resist what other people might be saying about you. Part of your brain is still telling you that you're a good and valid person despite the illness, but that part of your brain is generally not the dominant one.
I would recommend you see your care co-ordinator. MH services, in my experience, can be a bit dire, but we have to engage with what we're provided with. The alternative is to cope on your own, and sometimes we need another perspective when we've got a dose of the mentals. I know I generally do.

RandomNPC · 21/01/2015 00:58

As an aside, your username has made me hungry!