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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get so wound up by faux sympathy

45 replies

swmum24 · 20/01/2015 19:48

I recently had a miscarriage and while most people's reactions have been sincere (some reactions completely inappropriate but sincere), some have just been so fake. It makes me livid. Things like 'Awwwww babe, thinking of ya' or 'you must be gutted, awwww, here for you hon' or this one, 'oh you poor thing, must be a nightmare'. No, you effing moron, it's not a bloody nightmare, it's real.
I just think if you don't have anything sincere to say or if you think you just sound like a scene out of TOWIE, then don't bother.
Or is it just me?

OP posts:
Original poster
swmum24 · 20/01/2015 19:49

Oh, this is from an immediate family member so I'd expect a bit more.

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 20/01/2015 19:52

Sorry for your loss. I've had 4 losses and it has always been tough. My choice was to keep it very private though (after first loss we told very few people when I fell pregnant again)

How have you been receiving these messages (is this how people speak? or are these written messages?)

OllyBJolly · 20/01/2015 19:55

I think MC can be completely devastating.

However, I'd rather people said something, than just avoided me because they couldn't think what to say. (My MCs were before Facebook which might be what you are referring to?)

ApocalypseThen · 20/01/2015 19:57

I had a miscarriage before we told anyone about the pregnancy so we didn't broadcast it after the event. When I got pregnant again we waited 13 weeks before telling anyone - the main reason was we didn't think we could bear the sympathy.

It can be very hard to take. But just maybe be aware, people often say grossly inappropriate things when they don't know what to say.

forwarding · 20/01/2015 19:57

Have you posted about it on facebook? How do they know? How are you getting the messages?

YANBU by the way. That's pretty moronic.

echt · 20/01/2015 19:58

So sorry for your loss, swmum24 Thanks

I think you may have put your finger on it when you referred to TOWIE. So many people's responses are culled from the media, they become a sort of shorthand for the expression of emotions that may be profoundly felt, so that feeling "gutted" covers a losing football match, being bereaved and not getting a bargain in the sales. All nuance is lost.

rockybalboa · 20/01/2015 20:05

In my bitter experience (4 mc's) it is better that they say something/anything that acknowledges what has happened as opposed to not knowing what to say so saying nothing and effectively ignoring the issue. Sorry for your loss, mc's are the absolute pits. Watching your body fuck up something that everyone around you (and like magic there will be squillions of pregnant women around you) seems to do with apparent ease is horrid. Look after yourself. Thanks

grocklebox · 20/01/2015 20:06

With the best will in the world, while its a huge thing for you, its not really on anyone elses radar. They are being polite and expressing sympathy. If they didn't say anything you'd be complaining about that.
I've had four. Big deal for me and my partner, not for anyone else really. People don't know what to say. And really, who cares what anyone else says?

windchime · 20/01/2015 20:25

I think it is better for them to say something rather than nothing. When my DM died, a friend of mine, who is a trained counsellor, chose to completely ignore the issue and never even expressed her sympathy. Cut them some slack.

Original poster
swmum24 · 20/01/2015 20:26

We don't post on FB. I think this fake sympathy just irritates me regardless of the situation. In this case, I'm super sensitive and expected a bit more support, but it's the lack of sincerity that is so sad. There is nothing sincere about that at all.
And the sender of these messages has broadcast the news amongst her friends because she's apparently devestated.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 20/01/2015 20:28

I think people sometimes don't know what to say or articulate themselves very well. It's not necessarily fake.

Only1scoop · 20/01/2015 20:29

'Broadcast the news to her friends'

Now that is crossing the line I'd be very hurt and angry.

So sorry

Quitethewoodsman · 20/01/2015 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrohnicallyCold · 20/01/2015 20:32

I am very socially awkward and anxious- so much so that I have been referred to a psych regarding assessment for ASD.

So I guess I would come across as sounding insincere and as if I have rehearsed my lines. That's probably because if I knew about the MC before I saw you, I'd have been trying out different lines in my head, trying to decide which one I can say the best and wouldn't sound too out of place coming from me- that's if I can pluck up the courage to talk to you at all.

And if I didn't know about it and only learned during our conversation, I'd be on the verge of a panic attack, knowing that I am expected to say something comforting but not having the foggiest what. If I was lucky, something generic like 'I'm sorry to hear that' (covers most bad news) would come out, if I was unlucky I might say something that I heard on TV last night, or offer you advice, or tell you about something similar that happened to me.

duplodon · 20/01/2015 20:37

Oh yanbu. The sentiments may actually be very genuine but the awwwwwwfulness and hunning would make me see red.

HesterShaw · 20/01/2015 20:39

Very sorry for your loss.

I think this is a real case though of them wanting to express sympathy but not knowing how really. Don't forget loads of women will have gone through this as well, though you might not realise which ones. Just because the words sound trite it doesn't mean the sentiment isn't there.

Original poster
swmum24 · 20/01/2015 20:40

Chronically cold, I don't think that's where it's coming from at all. My DH suffers from social anxiety and so I would completely get that.

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Original poster
swmum24 · 20/01/2015 20:53

Duplodon, I think that's it. It's the babe and hun that bugs me and makes me think is fake.

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Original poster
swmum24 · 20/01/2015 20:55

We've already agreed that NO ONE will know with the next one until 20 weeks, if I can keep it in that long!

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Original poster
swmum24 · 20/01/2015 21:03

Oh, these messages have been text messages.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 20/01/2015 21:17

YANBU and I know exactly what you mean. Not in this particular context but others.

Sorry for your loss.

CrohnicallyCold · 20/01/2015 21:18

How can you tell? Genuine question, I can't 'read' people and have no idea what the difference is between 'inappropriate but sincere' and 'fake'. Unless it's a blanket rule like babe/Hun = fake!

Anyway, I think I cover my anxiety quite well, and have been told I'm various things over the years including rude and obstructive, so I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that I come across as fake. I just hope that the people I am close to can see past that.

lomega · 20/01/2015 21:25

sending you Flowers OP. Must be horrible to have gone through.

I genuinely think that some people do not know what to say in situations like this. They come across as fake because they're scared of offending you or saying the wrong thing, so they do what they think they "should" even though it comes across as insincere.

I wouldn't take it personally. It sounds like you are having a hard time dealing with your loss at the moment and this person is just one thing in a long line of irritations to deal with after a traumatic time. She probably means well but has no experience or empathy with MC and doesn't realise how annoying her 'condolence' is.

I for one have been lucky enough to never suffer the heartbreak of a MC, so when someone else tells me about theirs, I don't know what to say in sympathy. I say I'm sorry for their loss and realise that it's a horrible thing to go through, give them hugs, offer to help etc. But other than that I really don't know what else to say. It just feels to me like I'm rubbing salt in the wound whenever I mention it or acknowledge it with people it's happened to so I just end up being awkward :/ I'm not being insincere but it is hard to know what to say to someone that's gone through this awful experience but you have no idea how to come across without seeming like a bellend.

Mintyy · 20/01/2015 21:28

How do you know it is fake sympathy and not just the way people genuinely express themselves?

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/01/2015 21:28

I think if someone doesn't use say, babe or hun in day to day speech then it reads as false if they suddenly start texting it, or saying it in this specific context.

I have friends who do say babe/hun etc all the time and from them it would sound natural and sincere. I have others who don't and I would think they sounded fake if they suddenly did so.

I guess the op might mean something similar?