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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get so wound up by faux sympathy

45 replies

swmum24 · 20/01/2015 19:48

I recently had a miscarriage and while most people's reactions have been sincere (some reactions completely inappropriate but sincere), some have just been so fake. It makes me livid. Things like 'Awwwww babe, thinking of ya' or 'you must be gutted, awwww, here for you hon' or this one, 'oh you poor thing, must be a nightmare'. No, you effing moron, it's not a bloody nightmare, it's real.
I just think if you don't have anything sincere to say or if you think you just sound like a scene out of TOWIE, then don't bother.
Or is it just me?

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 20/01/2015 21:30

Very sorry for your troubles, OP. I have just been through my second MC in four months. People just don't know what to say. It's hard to imagine if you haven't been through it yourself. Try not to let these comments set you back.

OriginalGreenGiant · 20/01/2015 21:32

How do you judge someone's sincerety when written though? Off the top of my head, by text I would probably say 'Oh I'm really sorry to hear that. Hope you're ok xx'

Trite? Yeah, probably. But what do you really expect people to say? What can they say?

Original poster

swmum24 · 20/01/2015 21:40

Could very well be sincere, maybe it's the choice of wording that irritates me.

OP posts:

iwasyoungonce · 20/01/2015 21:42

I know exactly what you mean. It's the feeling that some people have no real understanding of the grief you are feeling, but believe that saying "aw, sorry hun - nightmare!" will cover it.

Even worse is when they then almost enjoy passing on the "really sad news " to everyone else, to get some attention and sympathy vicariously.

OP, I have had 4 MCs, and I feel your pain. It is devastating, and I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself is the best advice I can give. Take enough time off work.

AngelDreams · 20/01/2015 21:43

of course you're "super sensitive" - i've had one MC, and that was bad enough, it was 11weeks, so pretty close to the magic 12 , but not as bad as some have been through, but i was still horrifical teary about it all

people dont know what to say, some people dont even understand how horrible it is, they dont know what to say - it s a classic reason for avoidance after a bereavement...

you vent here all you like

Greenrememberedhills · 20/01/2015 21:44

Yanbu

QTPie · 20/01/2015 21:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

my2centsis · 21/01/2015 03:23

I havnt read the thread, have had 3 MC.

I think YABU. What exactly do you want these people to say to you? They are openly trying to say the only thing that comes to mind and you are taking it the wrong way.

Sorry for your loss

CaffeLatteIceCream · 21/01/2015 07:41

Someone says "You poor thing, it must be a nightmare" and you think "No, you fucking moron, it's real"?

Seriously?

What the fuck else are people supposed to say? We all know what "nightmare" means in this context...a terrible, terrible time.

I am pretty sure that every message you received was sincerely meant and designed to show support for you. Be gracious enough to accept on that basis. Anything else makes you sound spiteful.

duplodon · 21/01/2015 07:45

And your message, CafeLatte, makes you sound unkind, thoughtless and mean. You're probably not all those things and thuis has sparked a nerve, but your response misses the fact that a) the OP is sharing a private thought that no one who messaged her is actually privy to and b) your thoughts are being shared directly with the person you're having them about, and are therefore far more potentially hurtful .

Original poster

swmum24 · 21/01/2015 09:00

It's hard to put the whole thing into context on a thread so I can see how I sound ungrateful etc.

Upon reflection, the reason I was so annoyed it because it's a close family member and I reached out for help but all I got back was a couple of one liners, in my opinion sounding insincere. Perhaps from someone else and in different circumstances it wouldn't have bothered me so much (though babe and hun still piss me off).

Thanks for all your input

OP posts:

GokTwo · 21/01/2015 09:09

A couple of lines such as "aww Hun, such a nightmare" would indeed be upsetting when received from someone close to you that you'd reached out to. If they were people you didn't know that we'll then I can understand but I agree that's disappointing and would make me sad.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I had a mc and it was just horrible. I agree though many people, even those close to us don't know how to react in situations like this. Their reactions can be really hard to cope with.

GokTwo · 21/01/2015 09:11

Just to add, I have a truly lovely work colleague who could not be kinder or more caring but her very unfortunate reaction to truly terrible news is to make jokes about it! It's actually painful to observe!

MinceSpy · 21/01/2015 09:14

DH and I felt very isolated post MC and I certainly was super sensitive.
Many people simply don't know what to say so risk coming over as inappropriate.
The family member who has hijacked your grief has completely overstepped boundaries.
I'm sorry for your loss please take care of yourself.

Kittymum03 · 21/01/2015 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mommy2ash · 21/01/2015 09:17

people quite often don't know what to say especially when they can't cant actually do anything to alter the situation. im very sorry for your loss. im sure nobody means to be hurtful and to me intention is what is important

Kittymum03 · 21/01/2015 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamselNotInHerDress · 21/01/2015 09:21

We didn't mention I was pg to anyone for precisely this reason, it's not anyone's business but our own. I went on to have 2 mcs, both after the 12 week scan, but was so relieved I hadn't said anything as for one thing, I couldn't be arsed to have to explain something so personal. And another reason - didn't want any sympathy, false or otherwise.

Mcs are extremely common, and when I find out a friend has had one, I usually drop a text over to say sorry they're experiencing it, how it's horrible and I hope they feel better soon. It's very generic sounding I suppose, but I don't want to pry and more than they don't want to open up and tell me their personal information.

Maybe these people are just letting you they are there for you without wanting to dig too deep. I don't think its that you spuns ungrateful, it's more that other people don't see this as a big an issue as you. Which is fair enough really.
Learn from this and if you become pg in future, try and keep it to yourself.

pictish · 21/01/2015 09:29

I never know what to say to someone in a sad situation like yours either. Anything I do say seems rubbish and I am afraid of sounding hollow and trite.
Unfortunately, we aren't always in possession of the formula that calculates the exact set of words that would be considered acceptable. I'm sure your family member would be mortified to know you feel as you do about her texts. She probably thought 'babe' and 'hun' sounded intimate and affectionate, given the circumstances.

Sorry you're having a sad, shit time. xxx

hauntedhenry · 21/01/2015 09:35

Sorry for your loss OP. I've had two miscarriages, it's shit. I didn't tell anyone about the second one as I couldn't stomach the sympathy, fake or otherwise.
Don't take it badly, people just don't know what to say.

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