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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think can I just be proud of DDs acheivements without other Mum turning it into a competition

63 replies

ChattyAndCatty · 20/01/2015 18:53

Just that really. Fed up with another Mum turning everything into a competition!
DD (2) has been plodding along at her own pace quite happily, hitting all the milestones with no problems, but I wouldn't say she is above average. Her DD is a couple of months older than DD, and while very advanced with some things, isn't the perfect child her DM makes her out to be, in fact she is rather naughty and dare I say spiteful.
If I even hint at an achievement for my DD however it is ALWAYS countered with 'Oh well has been doing that for aaaages, and can also do all of this too....'
Or if my DD dares to do something ahead of her DD I get a bundle of excuses as to why her DD isn't doing it too, even when I haven't said a word about it...
I've gotten to the point where I have been avoiding her because I am going to end up being quite rude to her soon.
One example is my DD was ready for potty training, all the signs were there, but she just didn't want to sit on the potty, her DD was also ready, but would sit on the potty etc. As it turned out DD just wanted to use the toilet, not a potty, and now that we've worked that out she is flying ahead of the other lass in terms of being in knickers all day (including school runs with no accidents at all for two weeks)
And other Mum is constantly saying 'Oh well was doing it first don't forget' and then giving an excuse as to why DD is in a nappy for the day. I don't care, I didn't even tell her DD was doing well, she's just noticed that I've been carrying a bag with a potty and change of clothes in (just in case) and started with it all.

Am I right in thinking she's not as secure in what her DD is doing after all. She doesn't seem to like it if DD who is younger, and tends to plod along at her own pace manages to do something first?
I'm also being asked if DD has done such and such yet, before leading into a * has discussion. But, the thing with my DD, is she's really quite smart, and she won't do/say anything until she has it completely sussed out first. For example she won't 'parrot' words, she learns what they mean and where to use them, THEN she will speak a full sentence, instead of small two word sentences. She uses all her 'joining words' which I've been told is really good at her age.

I feel like I can't mention DDs good points because it turns into the above and it's frustrating. I don't get this reaction from anyone else?
It's hard because I'm even more chuffed with DDs progress as my DTSs had speech delays and other issues which meant that they didn't hit the same milestones as DD is when they 'should' have (They made up for it in other ways though, and are absolutely fine now) But I feel like I can't talk about it with this Mum, and it's a shame because in every other way she is lovely and we are friends. It seems to be a more recent thing, or maybe I've just not noticed it before?

AIBU to just want to say 'look how brilliant my DD is' just once with out other Mum being like this? Just once would be fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChattyAndCatty · 20/01/2015 23:38

Thebuskersdog
I feel proud, mainly because my boys struggles with certain ones, particularly anything related to speech, and learning as a result.
It may be daft, but now I know it's not my parenting! My children CAN reach the milestones they are 'meant' to, and I'm not the one causing them not to
(I've been told in the past that if I'd done things differently they may not have had these problems, I soon realised that was ridiculous, but you can't help that little niggle sometimes)
It's as simple as that really.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChattyAndCatty · 20/01/2015 23:42

It's not even just about the milestones though.

If DD has had a bad day (particularly if she has a wobble on the school run in full view of all the parents) All I hear is '* has been perfect all day today'
Or if DD sings a song, just because she wants to, it becomes '* come and sing other song and show how well you can do it'
etc etc

OP posts:
Babiecakes11 · 20/01/2015 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

popcornpaws · 20/01/2015 23:45

It all sounds like a load of shite to me, she boasts, you boast...

paperlace · 20/01/2015 23:48

I'm sorry I agree with other posters - you are as competitive as she is.

Take a step back, be honest about it and stop the boasting - you might find it all magically goes away in return!!

OhHelpOhNoItsaGruffalo · 20/01/2015 23:53

She has stepped back though, look at the posts about potty training.
And the last update too

OP. We are all proud of our children, some of us more than others.
She probably doesn't realise she is even doing it.
You probably don't either.
The trouble is now you've noticed it, you'll notice it ALL the time.

Take a breather, and start again.

Snapespotions · 21/01/2015 00:03

Gosh, I agree with the others too, OP. You sound every bit as competitive as the other mum.

Maybe you are over-sensitive because of your previous experiences, but really, the only solution is to stop discussing any of this stuff with the other mum - save your boasts for family members!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/01/2015 00:19

Don't we all talk about what our children are doing? It sounds to me as if Chatty is just chatting about her children - I don't think she sounds competitive.

Hurr1cane · 21/01/2015 05:54

See, I don't agree that being proud of what your children are doing is competitive.

I was dead chuffed when DS was potty trained in the day, I emailed everyone in my family. He was 8 1/2.

That certainly wasn't competitive, especially since most children are potty trained aged 2, but he reached a milestone and I was very proud.

When I tell friends they say "oh that's brilliant" and then they usually say "Bob didn't have a problem with that but we are struggling with x" or "we haven't quite got there yet, I don't think he's ready"

It isn't about comparing, it's just sharing stories.

Someone might say to me "Bob doesn't eat anything other than rice cakes and I'm worried" and we will end up having a conversation about autism and eating to which I'll say I'm lucky because DS has always just eaten anything, but we have issues with that too because he'll eat anything he finds on the floor.

We also talk about sleeping and swap tips. That isn't competitive.

What is competitive is:
"Oh poor DS went to see the podiatrist and his feet are badly deformed and he has to wear special boots"
Them: "well my child can't even walk!"

Mum A: "I was looking into special school, what was everyone's experience?"

Mum B "well I had no choice, my child is much more severely disabled then yours"

Or

Mum A "I'm worried about my childs speech, it just isn't quite right"

Mum B "well my child can't even talk so you're lucky"

That's competitive disablism. It's very very uncomfortable to see.

Which category does your friend and your conversations fall in? Is she just discussing like we do generally? Or is she like mum B?

WilburIsSomePig · 21/01/2015 06:34

I could never give a shit about this kind if stuff and it is REALLY easy to just not get involved in it. Nothing wrong with being proud of DCs but its my own personal pride, no one else is interested theyve all got their own stuff going on. And that's fine with me.

Chottie · 21/01/2015 06:48

Smile and nod and say 'you must be so proud of her' ad nauseam

My DCs are in the 30s and it is still going on..... (qualifications, jobs, houses, partners, GCs).

If it's really getting to you, just detach from this woman. She sounds like she is trying to live through her DD.

paperlace · 21/01/2015 06:51

Well I think saying things like: But, the thing with my DD, is she's really quite smart, and she won't do/say anything until she has it completely sussed out first. For example she won't 'parrot' words, she learns what they mean and where to use them, THEN she will speak a full sentence, instead of small two word sentences. She uses all her 'joining words' which I've been told is really good at her age in her OP is pretty illuminating SDT.

All I would think if she said this to me in real life is 'mmm hmmm right...sure', it does sound boastful and does sound like someone trying to justify why their child isn't saying as many words as another i.e. competitive!!

Yes we are all proud of our children, yes we often talk about them but as others have said it's a good rule to remember that only ourselves and grandparents think the sun shines out of them (and that they are 'very advanced'!!). Parents that talk about how early a baby is doing this that and the other make themselves sound like tits.

Quitethewoodsman · 21/01/2015 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChattyAndCatty · 21/01/2015 07:53

But paperlace That's the point, I haven't actually said that in RL. I've just smiled and nodded when other mum tells me her DD is so much ahead of mine.

Hurr1cane the first part of your last post is exactly what I have with other parents, conversations, not competition.
We will compare notes on what worked for our children, and hope that it helps others. We tell stories of what our child has been doing, good or bad.

With this particular parent, it's always about how much her DD can do, how she can do it so much better, and how she NEVER (apparently) struggles with anything or does anything wrong.
She only ever wants to hear what I say about DD if it's 'bad' if she has had a tantrum that day for example.
And that's what has become grating.

Hence why I've started avoiding her, because I can't have a 'normal' parental conversation with her anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChattyAndCatty · 21/01/2015 07:56

Hurr1cane I'd also like to apologise, your experiences are obviously soooo much worse than mine. Grin (lighthearted, obviously)
Seriously though, being competitive over being disables is awful! Far worse than my issues, which puts it into perspective, so thank you

OP posts:
cedricsneer · 21/01/2015 07:59

This is such a non-issue Confused. I agree you sound competitive yourself. Nobody cares about milestones like potty training except parents and possibly gp.

Snapespotions · 21/01/2015 08:01

I am bursting with pride for my dd, and I assume that most other parents feel the same. I think that's fine, but the OP seems competitive because of the way in which she is obviously comparing her dc to others, and trying to see who comes out better.

And I'm sorry, but calling a 2yo child "spiteful" says far more about the OP than it does about the child in question. Why try to find fault with a toddler?!

NancyRaygun · 21/01/2015 08:13

You and your friend sound like you are having the world's most boring conversation. Why don't you just not talk about the mind numbingly boring baby stuff?? Either of you.

Talk about other shit. If she brings it up "my DD did such and such" just say "great!" then move on to discuss something else.

ASunnyTiger · 21/01/2015 08:21

I think some people can bring out the worst in you, and if OP is sounding competitive it's probably because she's felt she's been put into the position too many times of having to "justify" and explain why her DC isn't doing this or that. This is one of those things that will grate on you more and more as time goes on OP, unless you either manage to nip it in the bud now through one of the previous suggestions, or you just disengage from this friend completely.

Snapespotions · 21/01/2015 08:25

But ASunny, she doesn't have to justify anything. Why not just ignore?

ASunnyTiger · 21/01/2015 08:35

I'm not saying she should, I was saying she's probably been put on the spot and made to feel like she's had to justify why her child isn't doing x, y, z.
She's already said she's been trying to ignore and its not really helping as OP is still getting frustrated by it, so imo now is the time to either bring it up in the hopes of ending it our just letting go of the friendship. Of course if OP wants to hold on to the friendship and continue trying to ignore it that's up to her.

AggressiveBunting · 21/01/2015 08:50

I had a friend who was a bit like this (she is otherwise lovely and to be fair, her PFB was pretty advanced). She mellowed out considerably with her second and not sure she even remembers what the third one can do. Just pray this woman has more kids Grin

MairyHinge · 21/01/2015 09:01

I had this, when my dd was at primary school, my friend and neighbour, her dd was in the same school year but 10 months younger than mine....so if my dd excelled at something it was " expected" and her excuse was her dd was 10 months younger blah blah. If her dd excelled it was like the 2nd coming " look how clever she is, I'm so proud, she so much younger than your dd yet she's had the same result in that spelling test"
Whatever.
It's exhausting. And you can't do much really except smile and ignore and wait for karma.
My dd is 18, at the top college in the area, and choosing universities. Her dd is 17, dragging herself through every day at the crappy college and has no idea what she will do afterwards.
But the reason she's not doing as well as my dd is because " she's so much younger"
Thing is, they were in the same school year so academically at the same level.
I remember not wanting to share achievements with her in the end as it became a competition.

GokTwo · 21/01/2015 09:27

Well I would say your choices are saying nicely or snappily "please stop turning everything into a competition" or ignoring her. Parents like this are unbearable. I had one in my NCT type class. Her particular speciality was putting other people's children down in a jokey way such as saying "oh bless her, she can't speak like my DS but I bet she's taking it all in"! Obviously I stopped seeing her years ago. I just can't bear that sort of parent.

Wellthatsit · 21/01/2015 09:36

OP, I don't think you sound competitive at all. You sound like a normal parent. Your friend is very insecure, clearly.

Whether or not you can do anything about it is tricky. You risk offending her if you say anything, so it's a case of grin and bear it, or gently tell her that she needs to detach a little bit from comparing her daughter to everyone, and that you all understand that kids develop at different rates, are a mixture of good and bad/joyful and frustrating etc etc, and you are all in it together, on good days and bad.

You ARE judging her parenting when you say that her child never corrected when doing the normal (obnoxious) toddler things. That's her choice, and although most parents would agree with you that she needs to be guided and taught how to behave, some people just have a blind spot when it comes to their own kid, and can't see the 'spiteful' behaviours. (You do realise it's not really spite - two-year-olds are just operate on immediate gratification. They don't understand other people have feelings too.) like someone said above, all you can do is wait. Maybe her DD will grow out of it, maybe not, but it is her consequence to deal with. Very frustrating to be around though. I sympathise.