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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DB assaulted me AIBU to expect DM to support me and take my side?

40 replies

hormonalhippy · 20/01/2015 17:32

I'm pretty upset at the moment so please excuse this if it doesn't make much sense at time.

I've posted previously about my strained relationship with my parents steming from my childhood especially DM and about the fact I've had to go almost NC with her.

I'm in the last few weeks of my first pregnancy and have had an extremely difficult time with poor health Which had gotten worse recently to the point I'm suffering from fainting frequently.

DH had to go on a business trip yesterday last minute for a few days and didn't want me to be at home alone so reluctantly I asked DM if I could stay in her spare room and she agreed. My DB lives there and we don't get on so I just pretend he isn't there.

This afternoon I went to the bathroom as I was going in he came bounding out his room and pushed me out of the way to get in the bathroom first. I instinctively push him back to which he turned around and headbutted me. I started screaming and trying to stem the blood coming from my nose.

DM came upstairs and started shouting at me what had I done to him to get him to react like that and then started shouting in my face that I shouldn't have pushed him and he had a right to defend himself.

I told them I was calling the police at which point my DB ran out the door and while my mum was shouting at me that he had gone without a coat and it was cold and what sort of person calls the police on a family member.

I called 101 and two policemen came round. I was highly distressed at this point both my eyes are visibly black and my nose swollen. The police were imo unhelpful basically made out it was a domestic dispute and was my word against DB and they couldn't do anything and left.

After a load of abuse from DM about calling the police I called a friend to come collect me and went to hospital. Thankfully my nose isn't broken and baby is fine after being put on a monitor.

I've been dropped off home and DH is on his way back but won't be home for hours yet.

AIBU to think that my DM should have been more concerned and supportive of me rather than blame me and defend her golden boy? She hadn't been in contact at all to see how me or the baby are and in fact as I was leaving with my friend I heard her tell my friend I was "such a drama queen".

This has been the final straw for me and from today I will be NC with them all.

OP posts:
Original poster
hormonalhippy · 20/01/2015 17:33

I should point out that DB is early 20 ' s so isn't a child and doesn't have any issues except being brought up as an entitled spoiled brat by DM

OP posts:
SistersOfPercy · 20/01/2015 17:34

I think you need to be going back to the Police tbh. Domestic dispute my arse. This was assault.
And yes, your Mother is a bitch. YANBU

LaurieFairyCake · 20/01/2015 17:36

I'm shocked at the police

Did they give you a number to follow up? Because that response is ridiculous

ILovePud · 20/01/2015 17:37

Utterly horrendous, disgusting behaviour from both your brother and mother, well done for calling the police. I hope you are feeling better soon and that you can keep them out of your and your baby's lives. Flowers

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 20/01/2015 17:37

Wow, I'd definitely go no contact with the lot of them!

Do you have copies of any hospital documents? Take pics of your bruises and contact a solicitor re the assault, as that's exactly what it was. I'm sure they'll be able to pursue a case against your thug of a brother.

flora717 · 20/01/2015 17:37

That's a shockingly awful experience.
A huge underlining for you that you must go NC for your safety.
The Police attitude is disappointing as you were visibly injured.
I hope your DH is home soon.
Are you on your own?

CheekyWeeGandT · 20/01/2015 17:38

Bloody hell. That's some family you've got there. YANBU at all. Very upsetting for you. If there is a silver lining, perhaps it is that your DM and DB have shown you once and for all why no contact is a wise course of action. Hope you are ok Flowers

FarFromAnyRoad · 20/01/2015 17:38

Definitely NC - for your sanity and the future well-being, both physical and mental, of your unborn child.
I don't know about going back to the Police - I'm not sure I would tbh. Not for fear of them doing nothing but more to avoid the tangle of lies your mother and brother will tell because you know they will. I'd probably welcome this incident despite it being horrendous as the catalyst that will set you free from these horrible fucked up people. Hope you feel better soon.

ILovePud · 20/01/2015 17:39

Sorry I didn't properly take on board the response you'd had from the police, that's shit as PP have said I'd take that up too if you feel able.

SoonToBeMrsB · 20/01/2015 17:39

That's horrendous, what a psychotic reaction to a minor situation. I'm so sorry this happened and very glad to hear that you and your baby are okay.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 20/01/2015 17:39

I am very sorry he did that to you. Sounds like a good idea to go nc with them.

I think it is disgusting that the police chose not to act, given you were there with visible injuries.

Regarding the question in your title, were you unreasonable to expect your mum to support you - you were unrealistic to expect her to be anything other than what she has proven herself to be for your entire life. Strained relationship, nearly nc in the past, brother the golden child... I don't think it was unreasonable to think she ought to behave better but did you truly expect that she would?

Anyway, thankfully the baby is ok, you are ok, bruised and shocked but ok, and this is the final lesson you will ever have to learn from her - she is no mother to you and never will be. And you deserve more. And your baby deserves to not have to suffer her in their life.

what he chose to do was his responsibility. Do not allow your mother to blame you for his choice to headbutt you.

I am just so shocked that the police couldn't be arsed with this. Someone is visibly injured and they say your word against his? The injuries aren't evidence? ffs.

Holdthepage · 20/01/2015 17:40

Go back to the police & file a report. Head butting a pregnant woman deserves a prosecution. He assaulted you, your DM is an idiot.

QueenofallIsee · 20/01/2015 17:40

Jesus Christ, your family are god awful. Your whole life will be better without them OP. I see you have already been advised to take photographs of your injuries - I urge you to follow up with the police.

Original poster
hormonalhippy · 20/01/2015 17:40

Perry I've gotten my friend to take photos of me before the hospital cleaned me up and after.

I think when they came around I was still in too much shock to properly force my point and fight my corner with the police. I know DH was furious when I told him they wouldnt take it further.

DB is claiming I tripped and fell into the door frame and he didn't touch me and DM is obviously saying she didn't see anything.

Thinking it a bit better now the way the police spoke to me was as though I'm a stupid child who didn't know the implications of asking to press chargers they went on about how I would cause my DB to have a criminal record. I'm well aware of this point my job involves assessing people's suitability to work with children and looking at criminal records so I'm not nieve on the subject

OP posts:
AlorsMeh · 20/01/2015 17:43

YANBU! I am glad you have decided to go NC because clearly your mother has nothing whatsoever to offer you. Agree that the police response was lame. If you can follow it up you should.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 20/01/2015 17:47

Now you have got yourself together, yes please take someone with you, get back in touch with the police and tell them you a. want to press charges for an assault and b. want to make a complaint about how the police handled the incident.

And then you go completely no contact with them. Your 'D'M is no longer about to be a grandmother. You, as of today, no longer have to saddle your child with a pair of abusers as an uncle and Granny.

Congratulations - although this is an awful situation, it's a blessing in disguise.

Oh and please please ignore your DM completely when she tries to wheedle her way back in or to get you to drop charges against her vile pig of a son.

sliceofsoup · 20/01/2015 17:48

You need to go back to the police.

Ask them why would your DB run from the house if you had just fallen. Ask to speak to different officers.

Your mother is a bitch. I am glad you are going NC. I am also glad that your baby is ok.

ChocLover2015 · 20/01/2015 17:49

I think he will argue it was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.If he says you pushed him,first (which is true) and he pushed you back and you bumped yourself on the doorframe, you have no proof otherwise.he will have sold the same story to your DM too I expect.
If I were you I would never be in the same room as him again.he sounds unhinged!

angeleyes72 · 20/01/2015 17:51

Yanbu. nc way to go

sliceofsoup · 20/01/2015 17:53

No the OPs brother pushed her first, she pushed him back and he headbutted her. Her pushing him back was in proportion to what he did to her, he then escalated it.

Original poster
hormonalhippy · 20/01/2015 17:56

I shouldn't have expected any different from my DM I guess I just hoped that under the circumstances she might actually show some concern and maternal instinct towards me. I'm not altogether surprised by her reaction but part of me is still immensely hurt that I needed her and she choose to turn her back

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 20/01/2015 18:03

When your DH gets home get him to call the Police for you and make them come round.

MY DH is a Police Officer he won't believe this when I tell him.He'd say that if the Police that came to see you reacted in this way and spoke to you in that way that they need to be reported!

If your worried that you'll forget what to say or get flustered,write it all down before the Police come to see you.

Your Mum knows what your brother has done is unforgivable,but she sounds like the kind of person that would prefer to sweep it all under the carpet and carry on as if she has a perfect family.

Don't have contact with her or your brother ever again for your own safety and emotional health!

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 20/01/2015 18:04

Thanks it is heartbreaking when you have that moment of realisation - that the person who gave birth to you is no mother to you. It's difficult to come to terms with it and to accept the reality is that they will never put you first and you will never have the love and concern every child has a right to expect from their parent.

Your family is your husband and your child. Together you will create the loving family unit that you should have been part of growing up and which your child will certainly have as they grow up.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/01/2015 18:06

ask to speak to the domestic violence unit.

and non contact sounds like a good idea.

GokTwo · 20/01/2015 18:14

How awful! Yes, agree with everyone else, you have nothing to gain from seeing these dreadful people anymore. I feel for you though. What a horrible experience at any time let alone when heavily pregnant.