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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To actually not give a shiny shit about this.

55 replies

Pepperpigmustdie · 20/01/2015 16:58

Changed name as quite specific.

Hen do drama.

My friend has organised a hen do for herself this summer. It's abroad and at first I really wanted to go, so I paid the deposit.

Fast forward four months, circumstances have changed. I don't want to go.

I messaged my friend out lining why the timing was bad and I couldn't go. I have to prioritise. She replied with "that's fine, but you will still have to pay the full cost as it's not fair on every one else paying more"

I replied that wasn't gong to happen. She then asked for the extra money for room supplements. Then she text and said another person had cancelled and we had to pay £160 to cancel the room . I told her I still wasn't going to pay more as all I'd been asked is to pay the deposit, which I had. I've just had another text asking for £25.

I've had to stop myself from typing a really arsey reply as today hasn't been great. Dd2 has had an operation which she fought at every step of the way. She is a toddler so was distraught, sore and trying to rip canulars out.

I have real genuine reasons why I'm not going and she knows them. I wasn't given any T&C in regards to cancelations. I'm fed up with it all. I actually could t give a shit as I've more important things to worry about than fucking £25!

OP posts:

borisgudanov · 20/01/2015 17:18

"I'm kinda fed up with your baying
For large sums of money. Just saying:
We didn't agree
A cancellation fee
So just fuck off if you think I'm paying."

YoniMitchell · 20/01/2015 17:21

Missed the bit about summer. I'd be surprised if the overall package cost can't be revised this far out, so no one should be out of pocket (although you'll probably lose the deposit).

Frusso · 20/01/2015 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrispyFern · 20/01/2015 17:23

This is why massive hen or stag do events abroad are a stupid idea.

Original poster

Pepperpigmustdie · 20/01/2015 17:23

boris I actually started laughing at your poem I may use it if only to lighten the mood!

Thank you for your well wishes for dd, she is happily watching mr tumble now with an orange.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/01/2015 17:23

'On the hen do though, how many threads have we seen where the organiser is struggling with trying to get those still going to cover the additional costs of someone pulling out after committing - and there's a lot of sympathy.'

That's because they have got so ridiculous.

If you do a 'We are starting at this pub' and just go from there, there wouldn't be all this angst. People show up, drink, go to others pubs, get a kebab.

Bearbehind · 20/01/2015 17:24

If you booked a holiday/ break for yourself and paid a deposit then it's likely you would have to pay a cancellation fee if you changed your mind later on so it is unreasonable to think there would be no additional cost.

This kind of situation is a real hazard of booking a trip abroad for a large number of people.

Was anything said when the deposit was paid about cancelling possibilities?

TookALittleLongWayRound · 20/01/2015 17:30

I presumed that your deposit was effectively your cancellation fee. You pay a deposit, change your mind/can't make it you lose your deposit? What on earth is this extra charge?

Yanbu OP,ignore, ignore, ignore.

rookiemere · 20/01/2015 17:31

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I certainly don't disagree that your DD's health is more important than any hen do, but there seems such a dogged hatred of hen dos on mumsnet that it seems to cloud over a reasonable discussion of everything else.

Let's pretend it's not a hen do, let's say it's a group of friends going on holiday. One friend has organised it and everyone has paid their deposit, so far, so good.

OP has to drop out due to family circumstances and gives reasonable notice. In this situation holiday organiser should have said that she totally understood and she'd need to check the booking to make sure there were no cancellation penalties.

I'm not sure why people think that if you pay a deposit, you aren't liable for any cancellation cost. We tried to cancel a holiday booking for last Feb in Dec only to be told we'd be liable for the full amount if we did not go ahead and they could not get it rebooked - so we ended up going.

I do agree that the B2B has been thoughtless about sending you multiple texts, particularly when she knows that your DD is in hospital - so glad to hear she is getting better.

However I don't agree that the remaining party should pay more before you have decided to pull out. If it were me, once it was a better time for me I'd clarify what the £25 was for and pay it if it seemed like a reasonable cost incurred for cancellation.

HesterShaw · 20/01/2015 17:37

This is why hen dos should be as simple as possible.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 20/01/2015 17:43

But - that's what a deposit is for. If you cancel, you lose your deposit.

At a push, if it's going to cost her extra to change a booking, it might have been reasonable to explain that, send you the details, and ask whether you'd be prepared to contribute to it.

If people pay a deposit and the balance is then worked out per person, that figure only stands provisionally - it's as long as nobody cancels prior to the balance being due. If you cancel ages in advance, it should be possible to change the booking so that that balance doesn't rise significantly, but you can't ask the person pulling out to foot the balance. That's simply not how it works.

YANBU

rookiemere · 20/01/2015 17:46

No that's not what a deposit is for theylearned. A deposit is to guarantee your place at the destination.

Cancellation policies are separate and differ from company to company. Perhaps the organiser should have sent out what the cancellation policy was, but perhaps she also assumed that people would not change their minds about the holiday unless it was due to reasons that would be claimed on an insurance policy.

It should indeed be possible to change the booking without incurring extra fees far in advance, but sometimes it is not due to the nature of the booking. I'm not sure if it's not possible why you would think it's down to everyone else to foot the extra cost rather than the person who cancelled.

MaryWestmacott · 20/01/2015 17:47

Sorry that the timing is terrible, but I do agree with rookie, forget that it's a hen do, you agreed to go on a holiday, you've paid and deposit and committed to go. You are now pulling out that will put up costs for others and possibly there's a cancellation fee.

The B2B was foolish if there's a cancellation fee on top of the deposit to not insist that that total amount was paid to her before she booked, but she probably thought if there were cancellation fees, she could trust her friends would pay so she wouldn't be out of pocket.

Her timing sucks, but you said she didn't know, so she can't be blamed, and you can't assume she wouldn't have acted far more supportively if you'd told her your DD has an operation today.

Leave it for now. When things are a little calmer, can you call her (not text or e-mail) and ask her what additional costs are, explain what's been going on and see if you do actually owe money for cancelling the holiday. Yes, she should have made you all sign the holiday contract, not just trusted you all, but this is someone you are friends with enough to want to go on her hen holiday in the first place, don't be a dick about it if you changing your mind is leaving her out of pocket.

Bearbehind · 20/01/2015 17:48

But - that's what a deposit is for. If you cancel, you lose your deposit.

That's often not the case with holidays.

The small print often says that there will be costs payable in the event of cancellation- frequently this includes the full cost of the flights.

ChocLover2015 · 20/01/2015 17:53

the thing is the booking is not being cancelled, it is being changed.I think you need to look over the paperwork and work out what the impact will be.It really is not fair that you pull out and leave the poor bride in the shit !

jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 20/01/2015 18:17

Yabu. You need to find out exactly what the £25 is for before you decide you are not paying it. It may be a cancellation fee in which case you should pay it. Why would the other hens want to pay your cancellation fee and that of anybody else who has pulled out or may pull out in the future? If you were still going would you want to pay someone else's cancellation fee? If it is to change the flight to someone else's name who wasn't originally booked then that person should pay provided your deposit was at least £25 as then the deposit you have already paid will be taken off the total cost of their holiday.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 20/01/2015 18:31

It's very odd that her charge to you has been dropped so drastically. Either a lot needs to be covered - or it doesn't!

I'd be tempted to ask for the booking details and see what I actually owed or could be considered as owing, before shelling out more. Then with the facts in hand, I'd try to reach a compromise with friend.

UmizoomiThis · 20/01/2015 18:38

I assume room supement was because you were going to share a room with another person, and now that person is faced with having a room of her own but paying a supplement single charge to use a double room.

However, now that another person dropped out, the two should now be able to share a room at no extra expense.

DamselNotInHerDress · 20/01/2015 18:49

Yabu in that you don't really know what's going on regarding the final balance.
If it's going to push the money up for everyone else that hasn't pulled out, it's fair that you pay. You don't know whether this is the case or not just yet do you (Genuine do you, not a sarky one)?
Also, is the holiday months away? Does everyone know your reasons for not going on the holiday (whatever they are)?
Good luck with sorting it, but basically, I'd be on the phone trying to work it out without pissing people off as its stressful trying to organise group activities whatever they are, as people drop out and drop others in it sucking up extra costs. As you said, she doesn't know about your daughters op, so it's hardly fair to drag that up to rub her nose in it.

And a bit at everyone saying 'that's why you pay a deposit.' Er, no, deposits give you a space. Cancellation fees (when travelling abroad) are another thing entirely.

IsItMeOr · 20/01/2015 18:51

It's poor timing, but as you say the hen doesn't know that you are currently in hospital with DD, then she can hardly be expected to take that into account.

The decent thing for you to do is to clarify if there is a loss to the hen or the other participants from your change of plans and to figure out a fair way to cover that loss.

So if there is a £50 fee for changing a booking because two of you are no longer going, I would think it fair for the two cancelling to pay £25 each.

Hope your DD is better soon .

HerRoyalNotness · 20/01/2015 18:59

How much was the deposit you already paid?
How much is the whole trip, flights/hotels etc?
Have any flights been booked?

We recently had to cancel 2 separate trips, 1 abroad, 1 in country. The hotel cancellation was fine, as others have said, you can cancel with no charges up to 2-3 days before your arrival. The flights we lost 50% of the cost.

It does sound like she is chancing it, as she has changed the amount she wants from you.

I'd ask her to email you the details, full costs, deposits, cancellation charges if any, to see why she is asking for more.

QueenBean · 20/01/2015 19:07

Sorry to hear about your daughter being unwell, but if the B2B doesn't know then that's not really her fault

Sorry, but YABU about the costs - there are many group activities which others will have to pay more for, it's not just about the hotel costs

Leave it for now but as the others have said, call her and speak to her in person. Organising this stuff is complicated and hard work and there is probably a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff that she hasn't told you about

But 6 months is a loooong way away!

TookALittleLongWayRound · 20/01/2015 21:58

Is it not the responsibility of the person booking though to explain or forward over the cancellation terms prior to booking and making sure everyone is in agreement?

To be fair in the OPs shoes I would have asked but in the BTBs shoes I would have made it clear.

Dutch1e · 20/01/2015 22:20

OP, I LOVE your username and heartily agree. My 3 yr old loves Peppa Pig. I call her the Bacon Bitch.

Dutch1e · 20/01/2015 22:24

Yanbu. She's trying it on, and being horrible to kick you when you're down. I hope your little one is feeling better

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