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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to vent about comments on my pg bump here...

46 replies

guinnessgirl · 20/01/2015 13:44

... so I don't give the next rl commenter a smack?

I am 18wks pg and already looking bloody huge quite large due to the fact that my abdominal muscles separated when I was pg with DS and never fully recovered, so this time round my belly is ballooning at a frankly alarming rate. I am feeling a bit sensitive about it as I'm worried about potential long term damage, being so big already and getting sore and having to take extra care re lifting, exercise etc. I'm only 18wks FFS, how bad will it be by the time I'm full term?! Sad

Unfortunately it seems that the world and his wife think it's OK to make comments about my growing bump expressing disbelief that I'm so big already, am I sure there's just one in there, gosh you're huge, are you REALLY only 18wks, etc etc. I'm already worried and feeling like a big fat lump so these comments are really not helping!

And yes, before anyone says it, I KNOW every person who comments probably means well, wanting to make conversation, trying to make light of it, blah blah blah. I know this, which is why I haven't been rude or short with anyone yet. But AIBU to think that if you want to make a comment, you don't point out to a probably hormonal and quite likely a bit insecure pg women how huge she is? Rude, no? Angry

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 20/01/2015 13:58

I had someone like this at work. She made comments all the way through my pregnancies. This time I was bigger to begin with so the comments have been paticularly scathing. My fave was 'everytime I see you you're eating'. urm yeah you see me in the kitchen once a day eating my lunch you daft bint

Second time round I received a lot more comments from strangers.... been asked it was twins a few times, have been told how big I am in literally every shop I have been in (supermarkets are the worst) since I was about 20w and I even had two ladies discuss my bump at great length in a Dr's surgery when I was about 30w. Both disbelieving my gestation when I told them and continuing to discuss it whilst I told them otherwise. 'She must have her dates wrong', 'maybe she is carrying a lot of water'.

Ironically I've been measuring bang on since 28w and my 38w growth scan estimated baby as low end of average weight.

Can't wait to have this baby so people stop discussing the size of me.

sarkymare · 20/01/2015 14:04

YANBU but as you say they probably do mean well. Its a topic for small talk.

I had the opposite problem. My bump was tiny and people were really shocked when I told them how far along I was. I was at an engagement party when I was 34 weeks pregnant. I wore a loose fitting top and half the people there didn't even realise I was pregnant. I got pulled into a group photo and bump got pressed against another guests back. DS was kicking away and said guest turned around and asked me why I kept prodding him! When I told them I was 34 weeks pregnant they didn't believe me because I was 'so tiny'

one person even asked me "are you sure you're not only 5 months? Those scans aren't always accurate you know" I had to really resist by stuffing a sausage roll in my mouth replying with 'my god I think you're right! I must have imagined the first few months of pregnancy when I was in and out of hospital with HG. and of course the ultrasound tech must have been playing a DVD at my 6 week dating scan. It all makes sense now!' Hmm

Ohfourfoxache · 20/01/2015 14:04

I'm 33 weeks and huge.

If anyone says anything in front of me about how enormous I am I'm likely to fucking deck 'em. mil I'm looking at you

hotfuzzra · 20/01/2015 14:08

I have total sympathy for you. I had opposite comments, I was 'too small' I didnt 'look' pregnant, I hadn't been eating enough etc etc. My midwife measured my bump throughout and I was Always bang on!

sarkymare · 20/01/2015 14:08

Posted too soon.

I started to feel really self conscious and blamed myself for not forcing myself to eat more when I had HG. I was asked once if the 'baby was growing properly' I knew the baby was fine but it still started to make me worry.

Some people just don't think before they speak.

Sn00p4d · 20/01/2015 14:08

You look radiant.
That's the only acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman. That is it.

kaykayred · 20/01/2015 14:16

I think you are bot BU and NBU! Sorry that probably doesn't help!

I think you're NOT being unreasonable because it must be so fucking irritating with everyone saying the same thing to do, especially if you are self conscious about it.

However, I think you ARE being unreasonable because;

  1. People tend to separate commenting about the size of the bump with commenting about the person's overall weight and size. It's possible to be tiny with a huge bump or vice versa. Someone saying "your bump is huge!" is different to saying "your arse is ENORMOUS".
  2. People most likely have no idea that you are feeling sensitive about it, and have no idea that their comments are taken badly
  3. People are overall fascinated with pregnancy, and seeing how the body changes. It's surprising that one person gets bigger than another. Sometimes it's surprising that a baby can fit in such a tiny bump, or surprising that such a huge bump only has one baby. It's not some sort of personal attack on you or your ability to grow a child.

So a bit of both really!

I have to admit that I used to be the worst for this, before any of my friends got pregnant. I would always comment on the size of people's bumps - because it was fascinating. I had no idea it mattered to the person, or that they could possibly feel bad about it. To me it was like saying "Your hair has got so long!" or "your hair is so much shorter!" It's not a judgement, it's just a statement of fact!

I don't do it now as I realise people hate it, but I feel bad when other well meaning people do the same and get lambasted for it

toomanypasswords · 20/01/2015 14:18

I was definitely a lot bigger earlier on with my DC2 (who is now 3 weeks old) than I was with DC1 - to the point that a couple of people commented at about 9 weeks. By 18 weeks, one of my friends said to me "You don't seriously think you're concealing that, do you??" as I'd still not told everyone at work!! :-)

I had the usual 'are you sure there's only 1 in there?' comments from umpteen people umpteen times during the course of my pg and various people (strangers and those I know) thinking I was further along than I actually was.

As it was, I did end up slightly bigger by the end of it than I was the first time round but not significantly. I think that the first 'growth' is probably more exaggerated the second time around but then it evens out a bit as the pregnancy progresses.

I didn't have any response other than "yes, I'm sure there's only 1 - the scans prove it" and "yes, I am sure that it's due on X" and also made the occasional comment about how I must have just eaten a lot more this time around and I would be regretting it all after baby's arrival and then changed the subject!...

sebsmummy1 · 20/01/2015 14:20

Oh yes, I was chastised for not eating enough cake as I measured small.

Honestly, pregnancy seems to open a floodgate of commentary that can be very hurtful so you have my sympathies. I think you need to have a few stock witty retorts to deal with these twats. Even if it's just 'did you mean to be so rude?'

ApocalypseThen · 20/01/2015 14:22

I find it hard to believe that people making comments about being huge and always eating are under the impression that they're just making normal, or even kind, conversation. I'm tired of the whole idea that once you're pregnant you cease to exist as a person with feelings and thoughts and are now just a carrier who should be flattered that people comment on their physique.

LumpenproletariatAndProud · 20/01/2015 15:59

When I was pregnant - both times - I was enormous. I loved having a huge bump and was proud of it.

However I was in a baby shop once and the shop keeper commented on my huge bump and the friend she was having a cup of tea with said 'Nah, I was much bigger, that bump is tiny.'

And I wanted to kick her in her ginormous tit.

So, YANBU. I know how it feels, on the other side of it. Except I think I have less reason with mine. Wink

kaykayred · 20/01/2015 16:06

But don't those comments largely depend on how people say them?

People CAN be huge during pregnancy! It doesn't mean they are necessarily "fat", just their bumps are big! I guess there is a disconnect between the person whose body it is, who might be self conscious about it, and people who have never been pregnant and just think it's a normal part of being pregnant and not particularly offensive. I'm not saying that they are right, but sometimes it really is without any malicious intentions.

I guess it's the same for food as well. Some people will just be using the excuse to be dicks, and others will be genuinely surprised at how much more a person is eating, not necessarily in a bad way.

I know it sounds like I'm defending people being awful, and that really isn't my intention. Just maybe have a little patience with especially younger people who don't realise they are upsetting you. Even a "I know you mean well, but please don't comment on the size of my bump - I'm already so self conscious about all this weird stuff my body is doing" would probably horrify them as they had no idea. And if they smart mouth you back, then you know they are just being spiteful dicks.

ApocalypseThen · 20/01/2015 16:09

People CAN be huge during pregnancy! It doesn't mean they are necessarily "fat", just their bumps are big!

Doesn't the general rule that personal remarks about people's appearance are rude continue to apply when they're pregnant?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/01/2015 16:11

I had the, "You sure its not twins?" constantly after 20 weeks, DD was 9lb at birth.

Why not just say, "Tali, your getting really fat" thats what they were thinking.

I SPD and needed a support brace that I was fitted for, the woman measuring me said it. Piss off, its just 1.

Butterpuff · 20/01/2015 16:13

Yep, I get size comments. Also

If you keep on eating all the time you will never get the weight off.....followed the next day......but the same person. Are you sure your eating enough, I've only seen you have toast today. This was a 9am as I was finishing my breakfast.

Headdesk · 20/01/2015 16:29

When I was pregnant with dd I had a midwife say to me 'is it just this pregnancy or have you always been this fat' cried for ages over that one. I was big during that pregnancy due to having crippling spd, being bed bound and not able to exercise.

LokiBear · 20/01/2015 16:38

I had the same rude comments but because my bump was 'small'. In the early stages I carried a lot of water. It all settled down at around 20 weeks and I ended up with a very neat bump. I was told 'you are getting so fat and you still have so long to go' in the early stages and 'you aren't eating enough, that poor baby will be so small' in the later stages. Every time I went to the midwife I'd get upset about the size of my bump, only to be told that it was within the 3cm range (I measured 2 weeks behind) and bump size was irrelevant to baby's weight. She was right, my dd was a whopping 7lb15oz! Try and ignore. Or cry and smash something, then blame it on hormones. Everyone will be frightened to say anything then!

Melawen · 20/01/2015 16:42

Interestingly enough I think that I had two quite disparate comments within days of each other, yes you've guessed it - someone said "that's a big bump" and the the following day someone said "that's a tiny bump"!! You just can't win. I used to smile and nod, but then I didn't get LOADS of comments so it wasn't enough to bother me.

But, in any case, have you thought about asking the midwife for a brace or something? Might help with the discomfort.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/01/2015 16:55

I second the brace idea, it might help take the pressure off the muscles by lifting and supporting bump.

Original poster
guinnessgirl · 20/01/2015 22:57

glad it's not just me! I have calmed down a bit now, and am not going to say anything rude IRL - though the next person who asks me if I'm sure it's not twins FFS might get short shrift. I have a physio appt in a couple of weeks so will see about support then - have already invested in a couple of light support bands which feel helpful.

I am now determined to embrace my big bump, and milk my very obvious pregnancy for every perk it's worth while I can Grin

OP posts:
FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 20/01/2015 23:52

I get the "you're huge!" and "is it only one?" comments too. The ridiculous thing is I'm not huge, at all.

I have a standard response that I say to everyone now. "I'm measuring exactly on track"

I will never understand why people think it's ok to comment on your body when you're pregnant. It's not ok in any other circumstance, so why when you're already likely to be self-conscious and feeling like your body isn't your own anymore?

sebsmummy1 · 21/01/2015 08:33

I also think you can look bigger of you have a short torso or are generally quite petite. I am fairly tall with a weirdly long torso so again I looked smaller.

Glad you are feeling better about it today OP x

Treeceratops · 21/01/2015 09:45

The worst comment I had was "someone's pregnant, Jesus" from a random stranger I walked past. I was huge (and overdue) but luckily for him I was also running late for lunch or I would have sat on himGrin

Treeceratops · 21/01/2015 09:47

By which I mean I sympathise that people seem to think pregnant women are public property. Practise your death stare.

MrsWolowitz · 21/01/2015 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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