To have a really good whinge and let all the stuff I can't say in real life out?

[WhingeyMcWhiner]

I have NC because I don't want this connected to me, I want to let it all go.

So here goes (you lot are sounding boards for my free therapy session)...

Ds3 is only a couple of weeks old, I am tired (obviously) but I'm also fed up. I was hoping my SPD would be improving by now, but instead it seems to be going the other way. I'm completely housebound and being in constant pain is getting me down.

I've also just been diagnosed with a large bartholin's cyst.

My back hurts from sitting down too much.

I've (obviously) put on weight and have post-birth sag, and feel like I look utterly revolting. The pain means I can't exercise, and I'm just going to get more revolting.

But here's the big one that is the reason I'm whinging here and not in real life, dh is depressed. My lovely, caring, wonderful dh who would do anything for me and makes me the happiest I've ever been has spent the last two months wanting to kill himself.

He says he won't because he doesn't want to leave me and the dcs, he's just started ADs and CBT, and his talking therapy is due to start soon.

He had been better since starting the ADs, last night I tried to talk to him about the things above. He hasn't wanted to touch me since he got depression and my self-esteem has taken a hit (since it was already low due to loathing the pain, uselessness and flubber that is my body).

Anyway, it spiralled and he got sad and so I comforted him. I am a horrible horrible person for trying to lean on him. He's not strong enough. So I'll post here instead. I'm a more horrible person because this is what I want to scream:-

"What about ME?! I've just had a baby and I can't walk, and my husband is ill, and I'm scared it could prove fatal, and everyone keeps asking how I'll cope when he goes back to work with 2 under 2, and the answer is "I haven't got a fucking clue! I don't know how I'm coping now!"

Dh does all the cooking and we're hiring a cleaner. But there's stuff everywhere. And where there is stuff, I can't walk because I can't lift my sodding useless legs, so I either have to move everything, which hurts, or I stay in my designated safe zone. Which I'm tired of.

I really want to scream "ME! ME! ME!", but I can't. Dh has to look after me physically and I have to look after him emotionally. That's just how it is right now.

So I shall whinge here and don't worry about replying. I just need an outlet.

The important thing is the dcs are all healthy and safe, and dh and I will get through it. And one day he'll come to bed at the same time as me again, and not suddenly need to take the bins out, or rush off for some other reason, and he'll take me in his arms again, and it'll all be ok.

If you got this far you get a badge for being "whinge-listener-to-of-the-year"

Now then. back on. Start the day.

Moan here. You are doing such a hard job. To you.

Balloon, that brought a tear to my eye. We really do love each other so very much. He's a proper good 'un.

We had a good talk last night. The gp is really pleased with his progress which has all helped dh stop thinking that one bad day has halted his recovery. We even managed some laughing :)

We'll be ok. Ds only woke up twice in the night which helps. I'll get physio, he'll carry on with his counselling, this is just the bad bit before it all starts getting easier.

Thank you all for letting me vent here

It will get better, i promise. His ads will kick in and he will get better. Physio and exercise and time will get through the spd although i recommend a chiropractor if you can afford it. Take whatever help you can get and don't expect too much of yourself. And certainly don't try and have sex, would you really want to anyway, post partum with cyst and spd? Intimacy can be a cuddle or hand holding.

it will get better, this too shall pass.

no bother op x

When I started ADs, the initial side effects knocked me for 6 for a long time. It's really, really good that your DH is tackling this. However, one of the things weighing on him (I would imagine based on my own experience) is that he probably feels useless. He probably is sat there thinking 'I'm such a waste of space I can't even comfort Whingey when she needs me I'm such a fail of a human, she deserves my support and I can't give it what kind of person is like this....' and it spirals. You aren't U for wanting support at all, or horrible for wanting intimacy, and your DH knows this. This sounds such an unfortunate situation.

One thing my own counsellor talked to me about was the idea of a you using a yoyo going up a hill. The yoyo goes up and down, but the overall direction of travel is upwards and onwards, so a low doesn't mean there is no progress.