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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a really good whinge and let all the stuff I can't say in real life out?

31 replies

WhingeyMcWhiner · 20/01/2015 08:41

I have NC because I don't want this connected to me, I want to let it all go.

So here goes (you lot are sounding boards for my free therapy session)...

Ds3 is only a couple of weeks old, I am tired (obviously) but I'm also fed up. I was hoping my SPD would be improving by now, but instead it seems to be going the other way. I'm completely housebound and being in constant pain is getting me down.

I've also just been diagnosed with a large bartholin's cyst.

My back hurts from sitting down too much.

I've (obviously) put on weight and have post-birth sag, and feel like I look utterly revolting. The pain means I can't exercise, and I'm just going to get more revolting.

But here's the big one that is the reason I'm whinging here and not in real life, dh is depressed. My lovely, caring, wonderful dh who would do anything for me and makes me the happiest I've ever been has spent the last two months wanting to kill himself.

He says he won't because he doesn't want to leave me and the dcs, he's just started ADs and CBT, and his talking therapy is due to start soon.

He had been better since starting the ADs, last night I tried to talk to him about the things above. He hasn't wanted to touch me since he got depression and my self-esteem has taken a hit (since it was already low due to loathing the pain, uselessness and flubber that is my body).

Anyway, it spiralled and he got sad and so I comforted him. I am a horrible horrible person for trying to lean on him. He's not strong enough. So I'll post here instead. I'm a more horrible person because this is what I want to scream:-

"What about ME?! I've just had a baby and I can't walk, and my husband is ill, and I'm scared it could prove fatal, and everyone keeps asking how I'll cope when he goes back to work with 2 under 2, and the answer is "I haven't got a fucking clue! I don't know how I'm coping now!"

Dh does all the cooking and we're hiring a cleaner. But there's stuff everywhere. And where there is stuff, I can't walk because I can't lift my sodding useless legs, so I either have to move everything, which hurts, or I stay in my designated safe zone. Which I'm tired of.

I really want to scream "ME! ME! ME!", but I can't. Dh has to look after me physically and I have to look after him emotionally. That's just how it is right now.

So I shall whinge here and don't worry about replying. I just need an outlet.

The important thing is the dcs are all healthy and safe, and dh and I will get through it. And one day he'll come to bed at the same time as me again, and not suddenly need to take the bins out, or rush off for some other reason, and he'll take me in his arms again, and it'll all be ok.

If you got this far you get a badge for being "whinge-listener-to-of-the-year"

Now then. Smile back on. Start the day.

OP posts:
FailOfTheCentury · 20/01/2015 08:44

YANBU.

You are also not revolting.

viruswithhold · 20/01/2015 08:48

Take each day as it comes, it will get better. Speak to your health visitor. Get a referral to someone who can give u some support. Homestart maybe?

frostyfingers · 20/01/2015 08:51

I have nothing useful to contribute really as I have no experience (apart from childbirth) of what you are going through. The only thing I can say is hang on in there, there's nothing wrong with having a good old rant and I hope that you can both turn a corner soon. Are you having medical help with your SPD and the cyst? Even though you feel you are at the bottom of the heap, don't neglect yourself......

Livingtothefull · 20/01/2015 08:59

YANBU at all, well done to you for keeping going through these tough times. I am sure life will get better for you, especially once you yourself start to recover and everything else will seem easier to cope with. Depression is a treatable condition so your DH will probably soon start to recover.

In the meantime take each day at a time and try to ensure you get all the real life support that is available out there…you could ask your GP to be referred for this. Are there any family/friends that you can lean on who could give you some emotional support?

Livingtothefull · 20/01/2015 09:02

And please don't put yourself down. You are not a 'horrible person' nor 'revolting'; you are doing brilliantly for keeping going and coping with all this. Please don't berate yourself, try to be your own best friend and give yourself the respect that you richly deserve.

netty7070 · 20/01/2015 09:03

YADNBU.

You are absolutely not revolting, you are post-partum with some health problems.

stargirl1701 · 20/01/2015 09:06

You need help, OP. Phone your HV and ask for a Home Start referral. Do you have any friends or family who could pitch in?

Your situation sounds incredibly challenging. Thinking of you. Thanks

Original poster
WhingeyMcWhiner · 20/01/2015 09:07

Just about to restart physio for the hips and trying to get myself together enough to not be fobbed off with useless exercises again.

The cyst will have to wait for now, but it's bearable.

I don't know if there's any practical support available to me. I shall try to ask.

I could talk to my dm I suppose. she can be very supportive.

It feels a bit like I've been holding it all together and if I acknowledge it my house of cards will come tumbling down.

Badges all round.

OP posts:
TwitterWooooo · 20/01/2015 09:20

Yanbu for wanting to be supported and feel loved, you are nbu for feeling angry that the person you love and normally turn to when life is shitty is also feeling shitty.
Talk to your dm talk to anyone and everyone, accept all help and you are not revolting.
Try to keep talking, even light heartedly to your dh, communication is so important.
Sometimes life can seem overwhelming especially with a new baby so yanbu.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Original poster
WhingeyMcWhiner · 20/01/2015 09:45

I miss dh :(

Some days he seems fine and we laugh and joke. then it all changes.

Ds is very lovely.

I wish I wasn't so shallow. I wish dh could have timed his not wanting to touch me, with a time when I was less squidgy. I wish he wouldn't try to reassure me that he does want me, because that just leads to him rejecting me when I take him literally. Not that in my state I'm wanting anything but a bare minimum of intimacy.

He's told me this morning that the only time he's felt suicidal in weeks was yesterday :(

He says he wants me to confide in him, but he clearly can't cope.

He wants to want me, and he wants to be able to be there for me. But I wish he'd realise his limits. It's so much harder having the hope dashed than it is just trudging on.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 20/01/2015 09:53

You poor thing. Do you have any family that could help?

Are you on antibiotics for the BC? It seems awful that you've just been left to it.

SamiBE · 20/01/2015 09:57

Poor you Sad
Do you have any other support? You've just had a baby so try not to be so hard on yourself Flowers

ssd · 20/01/2015 09:59

you poor soul, that sounds very hard Thanks

keep ranting away on here, its good to get it out

Original poster
WhingeyMcWhiner · 20/01/2015 10:13

Dm is helping by doing school runs for the eldest and has cooked a few evening meals, which has been great. She already does childcare for my two dbro's dcs and works part time, so I don't want to ask her to do anything long term because it's just too much. But am gratefully accepting all help in the short term.

Ds has had some gut issues so I'm trying to avoid putting him through the strain of getting ABs through BM.

I just need to let off steam before my head explodes.

OP posts:
ssd · 20/01/2015 10:16

then let it off here xx

Original poster
WhingeyMcWhiner · 20/01/2015 10:36

Thanks ssd, you are all lovely Flowers

OP posts:
YoullShootYourEyeOut · 20/01/2015 11:38

ADs can cause loss of libido and depression does too, so please don't blame yourself for loss of intimacy. Also I am presuming (due to the experience with my own past mental health problems) that he is very low on confidence and self esteem because he knows he can't give you the support you need.

When he starts his talking therapy they will be able to talk about lack of sexual intimacy if he would like to (that was one of the things I felt very guilty about - my complete lack of sex drive). The situation sounds very tough for both of you, definitely call the hv as they will be able organise support or even just talk to you when you need it (they were brilliant with me as my ds was a baby when I was Ill).

Hope you feel better soon. X

Original poster
WhingeyMcWhiner · 20/01/2015 12:55

Thanks, youllshoot.

He was already suffering with a lack of drive, and the ads have caused ED so it's no wonder he's not interested. we need a way to maintain intimacy.

OP posts:
PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse · 20/01/2015 13:31

Of course you are not revolting; you are just post natal.

Can I just say yes to homestart? I worked for them, you would have been both typical and a priority for my caseload. they will aloocate you a volunteer to basically be your friendly support, and also you may get access to family groups as well depending on your scheme.

HV can sort for you.

Also the charity Mind, they are wonderful with supporting people with a partner who has MH issues- I often felt they were the only people I could talk to who got it.

As well as depression causing loss of libido, so too can meds- worth looking the effects of his prescriptions up on line. Suicidal feelings can peak when meds start to work too- when you are at the bottom you haven't the energy to do anything to yourself, but on the way back up you have energy and also just enough headspace to look back at the last few weeks / months without enough positivity to look forwards. Snap t helplessness, so it could easily 'just' be that he's now in that period and things will improve hugely from hereon in.

Original poster
WhingeyMcWhiner · 20/01/2015 13:42

Peachy, that really helps, maybe it is just the meds kicking in.

I'll look into what help there is available. I'm not very good at having people in my space, but anything to make the load easier at this point is a necessity.

OP posts:
WhimsicalTwattery · 20/01/2015 13:59

Oh bless you.... I have been in your position re: DH being suicidal.
It does get better, and you and your DH will be stronger for it.

You're an absolute trooper to keep going with everything that's going on. You both sound like you're doing a fabulous job. Just one of the things you have going on would floor most people, it just shows how strong you and your DH are.

Flowers and a hug

Original poster
WhingeyMcWhiner · 20/01/2015 14:13

Whimsical, I don't feel very strong.

But this has made me feel better.

I've had a look for the nearest home start centre and it's about an hour and a half away, I will either ask HV to refer or give them a call.

Dh is at the gp now. He's been brilliant at telling them everything. His gp is lovely and has been so supportive. Hopefully he'll be able to give dh some answers. He also had a doctor call him from his work earlier, and he was really supportive. Told dh that he was doing fantastically, and that one bad day compared to where he was a few weeks ago, was incredible progress, and that he should be really proud of himself. The support he's been given has all been really good.

OP posts:
ssd · 20/01/2015 20:54

thats brilliant whingey (change your name woman Grin)

really pleased he managed to tell the gp how he felt, such a hard thing to do

now you remember to look at homestart, you both need help here and I hope you get it x

bellasuewow · 20/01/2015 21:41

Hang in there op life is so bloody tough sometimes you both sound like you are doing all you can it will get better you will get back on your feet and so will he wishing you the best of luck

BalloonSlayer · 20/01/2015 22:11

Can't add any advice but wanted to post to say that it's totally clear that you are such a lovely person, and your love for your DH - and his for you- shines through your posts.

Flowers to you both.