To ask if mum's felt MORE nervous / scared second time around..... (labour and beyond)

[Mammanat222]

Bit late now as its my due date tomorrow but I have been feeling increasingly nervous about it all.

Last time I read my hypnotherapy books and listened to my cds and had no apprehension about labour it didn't work for me and I had a 51h labour but this time as I know what to expect I'm terrified.

I also have a DS and I am worried about him. I am worried about leaving him / the upheaval of it all / how our relationship will change.

I am concerned how I'll cope with a newborn and toddler.

I am not sure how our finances will be with a new baby.

Last time round I was cool, calm, collected and didn't have a fucking clue about any of it this time I am the opposite.

Just to clarify I have no anxiety issues or history of anything like this. I'm a 'do-er' normally and I just get on with things. I wonder if it's now the new arrival is so imminent I am just having a wee flap?

Is this normal?

I definitely felt more anxious with my subsequent babies - I knew what I was up against, whereas the first time I had no clue really what to expect. But you know you'll have your baby at the end of it, and you know how fantastic that is - just keep thinking about that. And yes, life with a newborn and a toddler can be its own special sort of hell, but you'll get through it. And you'll know what you're doing this time - you'll have a confidence most first time mothers don't have, which will make it easier. Good luck :)

yes. I cried while they set up my (much wanted) c-section, much scarier than my emergency one. I was terrified something would go wrong and leave dc without a mummy.

I recently said to a friend - You're scared with your first as you don't know what to expect. You're scared with your second because you know exactly what to expect. With your third you're just sort of "meh" when it comes to the birth Or at least I was, anyway... And I had PTSD from the birth of my first. Second and third were easy bloody peasy in comparison.

I'm just intrigued when I'm going to sleep when I have a newborn and a toddler? Does anyone know because right now im frigging terrified.

You are not alone. I was worried about all the things you mentioned.

I had a 3 day labour for first. I was really worried about leaveing DD1 overnight with friend. As it turned out, DD2 was born under 3 hours from first contraction. She sat in the chairs outside the delivery room in the MLU when her sister was born. (It went that quick). So she wasn't left alone at all.

I still struggle with toddler and newborn but it is better than I thought. DD1 is an amazing sister. She is also in nursery 3 days a week.

Money is tough but we saved for it.

And you just survive with very little sleep. No more catching up I'm afraid.

Totally normal I would say.

I managed to get all the way to the hospital car park (having been in labour for about 4 hours) before it all came flooding back - the birth, the sleep deprivation etc etc etc - and the thought I was going to do it all again with a 2yr old in tow.

Dh had to prise me out of the car as I clutched the door handle wailing "Nooooo, I don't want to go in there!"

It all turned out fine in the end. I have a 19yr old and a 16y old and we haven't killed each other yet.

I'm due in April and by then DD1 will be 3, I spoke to my midwife last week about being nervous about how DD will react and she said to try to involve her with helping out as much as possible and to try to ignore minor bad behaviour whilst really praising good behaviour and helpfulness. It is strange when they spend so much time being your baby and being the centre of your world and then all of a sudden they have to be big brother/sister. Do you have any friends or relatives with babies so he can get used to seeing you cradling, changing, etc a smaller child?
I'm with you with the pain thing BUT at least this time round you'll be better prepared for how to cope with it.
Good luck!

I definitely worried about the birth more second time, and my first was pretty OK! I had quite a bad 2nd deg tear is all.

No need though; much calmer on my part and only a 'graze'. Don't worry about practically managing two children. Once faced with it you work out the path of least resistance.

Time went normally with baby one, even slowly in the first few months; I found it slipped away so much faster with baby two. Best wishes; it will be fine :)

My first was awful my second a bloody doddle. Have had worse period pains.

Third and fourth well by that time you just go with the flow.

Op concentrate on the fact that you are producing people. They are babies/toddlers for a nanosecond.

Then they get interesting. Go with the flow. Generally today's huge problems of sleeping or feeding are soon sorted and forgotten as they grow daily bigger.

Don't panic. Twill all be fine. Go go flow.

First time was a long difficult labour ending in ventouse delivery and came as a terrible shock. I'd had no idea what I was in for, just a sort of vague idea that it would hurt! Second time I was ok really until the contractions started and I thought "oh my God, what have I done?".

Was much better though. Four hours from first twinge, no pain relief at all, no stitches, nothing. It was still hard work but I felt in control and it was a completely different experience.

It was lovely introducing my two children to each other, although dd suddenly seemed huge .

First time it hurts so much you think you'll die.

Second time it still hurts as much but you know you won't die.

That for me was basically the difference between baby 1 and baby 2...

Yep, 100% terrified to the point I made myself ill. I wasn't bothered about coping afterwards, for me it was the birth itself. I was worried as everyone kept saying your second is bigger, I'm only small and the first was big enough, so I stopped eating as much as I didn't want a big baby. I was panicking that everything down there would be ruined and my DP wouldn't want me anymore. It was strange I had these feelings as there wasn't any particular reason, as my first wasn't horrific, it was very long and hard work (4 days) but not bad. They are silly when I think back now.

My DS (DC2) is 18 days old and DD is 2.3yo. First birth induced for post dates and resulted in a formal complaint to hospital over inadequate pain relief and various issues with my care (upheld and resulting in written apology). 35 hour labour, forceps, left me feeling pretty rubbish about the experience and nervous about doing it again.

DS also induced at 40+12, over a pound heavier but 4.5 hr labour and he was out in 4 pushes on TENS and gas and air only - MUCH better experience despite my being terrified! A lot of people did tell me second labours tend to be quicker and it was true in my case, hopefully will be for you too

Yesterday was my first day home with both DC and DH back at work and I was nervous about that too, but we managed not only to meet a friend for coffee but also had 2 mum friends and their DC to ours - used up the day so it flew and actually was way easier than I thought. I am learning that if you can get one child to nap as much of the time as possible, and accept that sometimes baby will have to wait a few minutes for a feed while you see to your eldest (possibly involving baby crying for a few mins ) you can manage. Sleeping has actually been ok so far but I know will get harder as baby sleeps less so ask me again about that in a month and I may be less positive, but you can catch up a bit when your DH/DP is not at work, maybe ?!

One mother of two friend told me that if both DC need you, you go first to "the one that will remember" ie the eldest...has worked for me so far

I was shitting myself for the labour of dc2.

It was honestly a piece of piss though. Contractions were bearable for hours then it was like this...

Oh that contraction really hurt.

Next one same again.

Holy SHIT I can't do this anymore. HEAD.

Oh good God ooooowwww. BODY.

I had hypnotherapy to get over the fear of having my second. It didn't work, he couldn't put me under and in the end I felt sorry for him and pretended!

The birth was a lot smoother and faster, I had a better recovery and didn't get PND - I did with my first. Weird spending every day waiting for the black cloud that never cane. There are 2.5 years between them, they did and still do occasionally fight like cat and dog but are best friends. 17 and 15 now!

you sound entirely normal and rational to me. i have only one child and would share all those concerns if i was about to have a second.

though i never thought i was going to visualise and self-hypnotise myself through the birth and felt pretty sorry for the shell shocked looking women on the maternity women who had

i 'think' from what i hear from people many times the second birth is a lot easier than the first labour wise.

what worries me more is that i apparently had a very 'easy' first baby (talking temperament and how we got along etc). i'd be worried from the way people presented it to me endlessly that if i had another they'd be really really hard work somehow.

Totally normal. It is a totally different experience. First time round everything is unknown, but you only have yourself to think about - so lots of preparation and it's all very me, me, me. Second time round you feel it ought to be easier, but now you have a new and over-whelming concern - what is going to happen to dc1. All my planning was for what would happen to dd, who would look after her while I was in hospital etc etc. I was also much more concerned about getting home and getting back to normal for the sake of dd. No idea what your age gap is (mine was two years) so my experience may bear no relation to yours, but I can tell you that for me everything turned out just fine and I'm sure it will for you. Being a 'do-er' is definitely a bonus in these situations - you'll just get on with it (as did I) and probably end up wondering what you were worried about! best of luck.

Thanks ladies. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone.

As I say it's not just the birth - although that is currently the immediate fear. My actual delivery was fine (natural despite my epic labour - no tears or grazes) for me it was early labour that really did me in. 36h to 5cm and then of course I was exhausted and dehydrated. Ended up on drip / having waters broken. It was all very medical and long. Really hoping that it's easier this time. My lady bits were fine last time but I was a wreck from head to toe for ages after.

Good advice re going to the older child.

I know I'm being silly and I know I'll cope but of course its another big change in life and I am sure its natural to be apprehensive.

I would second going to the older child first. I instinctively did this on the basis that dd would expect it and ds and didn't know any better. As a result of being left to grizzle while I sorted out his sister ds v quickly became a brilliant self-settler. He fitted in round dd's established routine.