Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so tired and demoralised and feel like giving up now?

51 replies

Livingtothefull · 19/01/2015 19:33

I have posted re my circumstances previously…have a DS (13) with severe and complex needs, both physical and learning disabilities. He has been through a tough time over the past few years, has had 2 bouts of major surgery which has been traumatic for him and by extension, us (DH and me).

We have been really focused on DS so it is hard for us to prioritise our own well being.

In the meantime I have faced some challenges re work….I need to work to make ends meet and also feel that I really need, as a person, to achieve and to find a niche for myself. have tried to progress in my profession and achieved a MA last year in my professional field (I studied this against the background of DS surgery and aftercare so feel quite proud of myself for this). However this effort has not translated into obtaining secure and long term meaningful work, the most I can do is get a succession of interim maternity cover roles.

I had a long term interim role most of last year which was really rewarding, just what I wanted to do & I learned a lot. Until it came to an end just before Xmas. So now I am trying to get another one…the familiar round of interviews and rejections. I am being asked why I have moved around so much, is it that I don't have any staying power?! As if it has been from choice.

Anyway, I had resolved to have a better 2015 and to try to be optimistic and work towards a better future for us all. My doctor put me on anti anxiety medication, I was all resolved to be positive.

BUT the latest thing to happen is:…

Over the last couple of days I had noticed black spots in my vision on one eye, together with flashing lights at the edge of my vision. I called NHS direct this morning who said I needed to go to my GP straight away which I did, she referred me to the eye clinic the same day.

It turns out, to cut a long story short, that there may be a hole in my retina/it may be detaching from my eye. I have to go back next week, it is likely that I will need surgery.

I said to the doctor, 'I suppose worst case scenario is that I lose the sight in my eye' and she didn't contradict me.

So my set of personal problems are now the following:

If I lose my eyesight, how do I care for DS?

If I lose my eyesight, how do I work? I have to do a lot of exacting work, report writing etc in my work, not sure this will be possible to do any more?

If I can't work then all my hard study and hard won work experience etc will be for nothing.

If I can't work then I can't pay the mortgage, we can't survive long term on one salary.

Added to this I am absolutely petrified about next week's appointment and what the outcome will be.

I am tired of trying to be optimistic and hopeful about the future. I am tired of life being such a massive effort for such meagre returns.

OP posts:
JenniferGovernment · 19/01/2015 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiredButFine · 19/01/2015 19:45

The NHS website says 90% chance of success for surgery...and even if the worst happened, it would be blindness in one of two eyes, so try to minimise your panic- the GP can't rule out losing the sight in that eye but the odds are not against you. Sounds like you have a lot of responsibility and need a hug!

JenniferGovernment · 19/01/2015 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Livingtothefull · 19/01/2015 19:55

Thank you both. I am trying to be positive and yes i know the worst may not happen & if it does I will have to cope somehow…for DS sake. We have coped with other major problems so will handle this.

I think that the worst is that I was trying to be so positive, was trying to look into the support that was out there. I was investigating finding a life/career coach, I thought that the Springboard course might be helpful for me. Now this has happened & it feels like a massive kick in the teeth. If the worst happens there will be 2 disabled people within our little family unit of 3.

OP posts:
Yarp · 19/01/2015 19:56

In circumstances far less trying than this, I too would feel overwhelmed. Just allow yourself to feel it. You will pull through. Tell other people. Let them take up some slack.

I was also prompted to reply because of the detached retina porblem. My dad suffered with this a year ago, and got through the operation with no problems at the age of 75. I think the stats suggest you will too.

My very best wishes to you. A bloody great cry always helps me

Livingtothefull · 19/01/2015 19:56

Thanks Jennifer and Tired. I followed up on this very soon after it happened so I may be lucky.

OP posts:
Livingtothefull · 19/01/2015 19:59

That's positive Yarp, I am glad your dad came through OK.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 19/01/2015 20:03

Just to give you another positive result, my ex dh also has had detached retina,s. In both eyes, but not at the same time. One of them did cause a bit of trouble for him, but the end result is that everything is now fine. Good luck

TiredButFine · 19/01/2015 20:07

Hi Living...please carry on with getting a life coach...you need something for you, why not just do it? You don't need a "perfect" life to have one. You still have a good job. It's quite a bit cheaper by phone. You have admittedly, another, challenge to face but you've faced a lot and survived. Have a bath/cry/bottle of wine and keep going with your plans.

TiredButFine · 19/01/2015 20:08

I mean life coaches are cheaper by phone!

Livingtothefull · 19/01/2015 20:12

Thanks Tired, I didn't think of life coach consultation by phone but will look into it.

Any ideas/tips about how to find a good one? My resources (time & money) are limited so need to find someone with the skills to be genuinely helpful.

OP posts:
TiredButFine · 19/01/2015 20:17

www.lifecoach-directory.org.uk

cabbageandgravy · 19/01/2015 20:19

Oh poor you, I am not surprisefd you feel like giving up! You obviously have incredible grit and huge love for your son & dh/dp, without giving up on yourself most of the time.

Very encouraging to hear the good results from retina surgery if thats what you need but I know how easy it is to fix your worries on the worst case scenario when you are anxious already. Can the GP give you some very short term sedatives to get you through this week? Not everyone thinks this is a good idea I know, but I'm sure that's what I'd be doing in your situation.

Longer term are there any changes you can make to ease the financial pressures? - I expect probably not or you would have done them already, but it seems things woukd be easier for you with a bit less financial pressure, giving you more slack' to seek work that nourishes you as much as poss (for both of you).

Lots of Flowers and deep calming breaths if you can possibly manage them. I am in awe, you are fabulous!

PausingFlatly · 19/01/2015 20:23

Best wishes for the eye being fine.

But should the worst happen, it's possible there's something in your insurance that will help. It's worth having a look through your mortgage cover and any other life insurance you have, just in case.

PausingFlatly · 19/01/2015 20:31

If it's any help - I know it may not be - I do know several people who have very little sight in either eye but do jobs with a lot of paperwork or writing (eg lawyer, computer coder), using adaptations.

Obviously yet another obstacle to overcome is the last thing you need on top of life's existing challenges. But especially if you still have one good eye, even the worse happening may not mean the end of all your plans.

Livingtothefull · 19/01/2015 21:17

Thank you all for the great advice.

Once I know what I am dealing with (however bad it is) it should be easier because then at least I can make plans accordingly.

We are very much on our own here, don't have many friends at hand.

OP posts:
WyrdByrd · 19/01/2015 21:50

I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry just yet.

I had similar symptoms last year & it turned out to be thinning of the retina (a bit like getting stretch marks in your eye!) but nothing needing treatment. It was caused by my eyes starting to shrink due to age after years of being extremely short sighted.

The waiting is crap though - you have my sympathy. I had a pelvic scan last week and am waiting to hear if I'm going to need surgery too - it's driving me nuts...Thanks Wine

AntiHop · 19/01/2015 21:59

I totally understand why you've jumped to worst case scenario on your mind. I'd have done the same thing. But try not to worry about what ifs until you know more. As others have said, many people who reduced vision work, with adaptations of necessary. It might be worth thinking about taking out income protection insurance to cover you if you can't work. But the premiums can be expensive and it wouldn't necessarily cover all illnesses.

Livingtothefull · 20/01/2015 06:52

That's encouraging WyrdByrd, I am hoping it won't come to my needing surgery for my eye. The good news is, I haven't lost any vision in the eye as yet, it tested as good as the other eye.

I hope all goes OK with your scan also…fingers crossed for you.

AntiHop - yes you're right I will have to try not to assume the worst case scenario and deal with the reality once it becomes clear. I would guess I would have to declare any existing/potential conditions though, if taking out income protection insurance? which then wouldn't be covered (I knew I had to do this for DS condition….had family health insurance in a previous job, but DS condition wasn't covered within this).

The worst is that I am on my own here, no friends at hand. DH does his best to support (made me multiple cups of tea, soup etc yesterday) but he is seriously stressed out too. I would normally turn to my DSis but think she is less than happy with me due to a fallout before Christmas when I overreacted (I posted on this elsewhere).

OP posts:
CuntWagon · 20/01/2015 07:00

I have no sight in one eye due to a detached retina (caused by trauma hence the severity of the vision loss, the surgery went fine I just had a complete detachment) and need no adaptations for this whatsoever. I can drive, I work in medical research and it really doesn't cause any day to day issues.

Livingtothefull · 20/01/2015 07:13

Many thanks CuntWagon for sharing your story and showing to me (and others) that something like this need not impact severely on one's life.

I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
CuntWagon · 20/01/2015 07:19

I'm glad it helped. I'm sure things will be fine for you, sounds like it's been caught early which is great. Best of luck!

Dolallytats · 20/01/2015 07:35

Not quite the same thing, but I am almost blind in one eye (and have really bad sight in the other!!). I have been like that from birth and it has never stopped me doing anything (apart from looking over my shoulder properly and I prefer someone I'm walking with to stand on the side that I can see out of).

I have worked, had driving lessons and have no problems looking after my children. The only problem I get sometimes is a bit of double vision because I have a small amount of sight in the eye.

In the unlikely event that the worst does happen, you will be able to function normally. I hope it all goes well for you.

Livingtothefull · 20/01/2015 08:01

Thanks so much Dolallytats, your story and CuntWagon's have helped me get some perspective on this.

OP posts:
Livingtothefull · 20/01/2015 18:58

I have found today tough…tried to call some family/friends but nobody has responded. I know they are busy, can't really tell them by email or text what is going on.

I met a recruitment agent today & got a call about another job, though I don't expect much to come of it. I have had a few 'episodes' today where I felt a rush of panic, as if my heart was turning upside down.

I am really squeamish about my eyes & dreading going through another eye exam and the prospect of surgery. My DS has had to go through a lot of major surgery so I feel pathetic, I should be used to it by now. Seeing my DS go through so much at his age (I hadn't even had my tonsils out at his age) has humbled me.

OP posts: