I have posted re my circumstances previously…have a DS (13) with severe and complex needs, both physical and learning disabilities. He has been through a tough time over the past few years, has had 2 bouts of major surgery which has been traumatic for him and by extension, us (DH and me).
We have been really focused on DS so it is hard for us to prioritise our own well being.
In the meantime I have faced some challenges re work….I need to work to make ends meet and also feel that I really need, as a person, to achieve and to find a niche for myself. have tried to progress in my profession and achieved a MA last year in my professional field (I studied this against the background of DS surgery and aftercare so feel quite proud of myself for this). However this effort has not translated into obtaining secure and long term meaningful work, the most I can do is get a succession of interim maternity cover roles.
I had a long term interim role most of last year which was really rewarding, just what I wanted to do & I learned a lot. Until it came to an end just before Xmas. So now I am trying to get another one…the familiar round of interviews and rejections. I am being asked why I have moved around so much, is it that I don't have any staying power?! As if it has been from choice.
Anyway, I had resolved to have a better 2015 and to try to be optimistic and work towards a better future for us all. My doctor put me on anti anxiety medication, I was all resolved to be positive.
BUT the latest thing to happen is:…
Over the last couple of days I had noticed black spots in my vision on one eye, together with flashing lights at the edge of my vision. I called NHS direct this morning who said I needed to go to my GP straight away which I did, she referred me to the eye clinic the same day.
It turns out, to cut a long story short, that there may be a hole in my retina/it may be detaching from my eye. I have to go back next week, it is likely that I will need surgery.
I said to the doctor, 'I suppose worst case scenario is that I lose the sight in my eye' and she didn't contradict me.
So my set of personal problems are now the following:
If I lose my eyesight, how do I care for DS?
If I lose my eyesight, how do I work? I have to do a lot of exacting work, report writing etc in my work, not sure this will be possible to do any more?
If I can't work then all my hard study and hard won work experience etc will be for nothing.
If I can't work then I can't pay the mortgage, we can't survive long term on one salary.
Added to this I am absolutely petrified about next week's appointment and what the outcome will be.
I am tired of trying to be optimistic and hopeful about the future. I am tired of life being such a massive effort for such meagre returns.