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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about children not be allowed to say they hate something?

51 replies

uncanny · 19/01/2015 18:03

I have encountered this a few times now. DS quite often says he 'hates' something and now two of my friends have commented at the time, oh that's not ok to say hate, that's too strong a word. Is it really?

It just seems a bit false to me, to tell them not to say it, if they feel strongly about something. DS is 5 and feels strongly about lots of things and I don't really find it strange. But I feel I'm in a minority, which has previously indicated that I'm wrong.

If you don't like it, why not?

OP posts:

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 19/01/2015 18:07

Can't help you I'm afraid. I think it's perfectly ok to say you hate something.

Well, some things. You can hate sprouts (in fact, I think that should be compulsory) but some things you want to avoid your child saying they hate. Like, the kid next door. Or grandma's face.

I think, being serious now, it really depends what it is they 'hate', whether hate is the right or most appropriate word and whether it's nice to expand their vocabulary to include all the different forms and levels of dislike.

KingJoffreyObviouslyWatchesHol · 19/01/2015 18:10

Do they also tell him off when he says he loves something?

They need to be consistent..!

It's fine to say you hate something. DS hates the RSPCA Marmite ad. Really hates it. We have to turn over. He's allowed to say that he hates it.

Shannaratiger · 19/01/2015 18:11

It depends on the context. Eg "don't like" is probably more appropriate for food or games. "Hate" is OK for more serious things like bullying. Not really a big issue, more important that your ds can voice his opinions.

Beachcomber · 19/01/2015 18:41

We tend to discourage the use of hate for minor things - it just seems so negative and too strong a word.

Original poster

uncanny · 19/01/2015 18:50

Yes, Beachcomber, that's exactly the view I get from other parents. Too negative.

I don't know, it seems a bit damp to discourage vehemence so early on in life.

OP posts:

Pantone363 · 19/01/2015 18:52

Ex DH does not allow the word in his house.

I'm slightly more easy as long as it's reserved for something you REALLY hate (and it's not allowed to be a person!)

Pantone363 · 19/01/2015 18:53

Everyone HATES the Marmite ad.

DP shouts to turn it off even if he's in another room

CockBollocks · 19/01/2015 18:58

I discourage it because young children can't differentiate between situations, so yes whilst they may vehemently hate carrots and thats ok. To tell another child they hate them because its Tuesday seems pretty harsh.

To be honest I think its what your used to, I don't like to hear children saying 'oh god" but its doesn't bother others.

bigbluebus · 19/01/2015 19:06

I HATE Marmite .
You either love it or hate it.

feebeecat · 19/01/2015 19:07

Think it depends on the age of the child.
I don't like it, I think it is too strong a word & discouraged mine from saying it when they were smaller. We would end up discussing item in question, did they really 'hate' sprouts - what have they ever done to you?? And was it more they 'didn't like' the taste. May sound pfb but I just didn't like negativity behind it, no one needs to get that worked up about sprouts! (Or any other item of food!!) They are older now (9) and I'm less bothered, they can express themselves very well & I know they save it for the 'serious' stuff.
Don't think its dampened their vehemence for anything, but then again they are fairly laid back so bit hard to judge

Purplepoodle · 19/01/2015 19:07

I discourage because then he hates everything - any food put infront of him, things he hasn't tried. I allow my 6 year old to say he hates stuff IF he has tried it at least 2/3 times (food, activities ect)

Tinks42 · 19/01/2015 19:08

Thats mild compared to some of the things the kids at work repeat to me

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 19/01/2015 19:21

If it's about food or lessons or Tv then that's fair enough. If it's about a person then it's worth discussion.

voddiekeepsmesane · 19/01/2015 19:28

IMO have always tried to say to DS you may hate something (food, TV, etc) but not someone.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 19/01/2015 19:40

I think it's pretty ludicrous to punish a 5 year old for not having a wide enough vocabulary to accurately express their dislike for something.

DoJo · 19/01/2015 19:46

So long as he is using it appropriately and not in a hurtful way about people then I don't see the problem. My son has just come through a phase wherey he 'loved' everything and I assumed that he would get the hang of varying his level of enthusiasm for things as he got older (which he sort of already has). Surely this is the same?

Marphe · 19/01/2015 19:51

I don't think it's a bad thing for parents to have only slightly "bad" words that aren't allowed. I don't allow stupid or idiot. It sets a standard and that means that when children are frustrated they can get it out by using a "bad" word without using a really bad word IYSWIM.

Wellthen · 19/01/2015 19:55

Agree it depends what its about but also agree with op that if they really hate something then they should be able to express that. I do think its important to differentiate between levels of emotion.

I hated someone when I was about 12. Actually hated. She was mean to me, loud mouthed, irritating to be around, constantly picking up on everything people said and making people feel small. We shared a desk in form room and we would avoid speaking a single word, we even scored a line down the table so we wouldn't be near each other.

It ate me up. It wasn't teenage dislike, tit for tat bitchyness; we loathed each other. Eventually I realised that this was really negative and unhealthy and let it go. We both realised around the same time and it was so much nicer. No need to be friends but also no need to seethe with rage every time she was near me.

Children need to be able to recognise this emotion for what it is. Pre teens and teens have very strong emotions.

But I will admit it annoys me when my kids say things like 'i hate 1 direction/football/pink' and act like these things are the most terrible things in the world. Why do you hate it? How do 1d/football impact your life?

I spose I dislike it because it is used to ridicule others 'you like 1d? Oh my god dont even talk to me, I HATE them!'

FlyingSpud · 19/01/2015 20:06

I don't like DS saying it. For no other reason than I was brought up not to say it and was told off when I did so Absolutely no other explanation, perhaps other than kids shouldn't have hate in them as an emotion? Dunno.

Bunbaker · 19/01/2015 20:06

I'm with Beachcomber on this

"I don't know, it seems a bit damp to discourage vehemence so early on in life."

Sorry, I don't agree. Going around hating stuff all the time is pretty destructive and unhealthy. DD went out with a boy last year who hated lots of things. I found it pretty tiresome after a while. He dumped her at Christmas and now hates her and tells everyone at school how much he hates her.

Can you tell how much I hate how the hate word is over-used?

Gintonic · 19/01/2015 20:19

There is a trend for people to exaggerate everything these days eg "my job is killing me", "my children are driving me insane", "I am literally drowning in paperwork" etc etc - it gets in the way of communication. I think it is a good thing to encourage children to see things in perspective and use appropriate words. Although not something I would make a massive issue out of.

editthis · 19/01/2015 20:41

I'm very strict about vocabulary. It's not that words like "hate" are not allowed, but they probably are frowned upon - depending on the child's age (i.e. five or so - I would expect a 12-year-old to know how to use it appropriately). I know a lot of people won't agree, but I don't allow "idiot", "stupid", "crap" or "oh god" either. Not for any religious reasons or anything like that, I just think all of those are distasteful coming from an immature mouth. Context is king in our house, I just think speech should be mindful - and that can be taught from a very young age.

Frikadellen · 19/01/2015 20:45

I don't permit it as a rule in my house. However that goes for both adults and children.

I am not saying your not allowed to say " i hate" however no you do not hate a food and you do not hate getting up.. You don't like it.

Hate IS a strong word.. as is love.. I don't encourage my children to say they love anyone.anything either I do love it when they do tell me (with dd1 it comes easy and often with dd3 its a rare occurrence)

I am fine with dislike and I am ok (ish) with yuck over food (Do NOT however tell me its disgusting simply because you dont like it )

However I do want some difference between the socalled father of my childhood bf who ruined her childhood by insect (Who yes I hate) and a dislike for tomatoes.

KirjavaTheCat · 19/01/2015 20:47

Hmm, I don't like it. I always ask my 4yo to stop and think about whether he really hates 'it', or whether maybe he just doesn't like it very much. Hate is a strong word, and it's odd to hear it coming from such a small mouth imo. That being said I don't tell him off, just engage in conversation.

CockBollocks · 19/01/2015 22:12

I agree, I don't punish or tell my children off. They are just told or reminded that the word is not suitable and I don't like it.

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