Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

about children not be allowed to say they hate something?

51 replies

uncanny · 19/01/2015 18:03

I have encountered this a few times now. DS quite often says he 'hates' something and now two of my friends have commented at the time, oh that's not ok to say hate, that's too strong a word. Is it really?

It just seems a bit false to me, to tell them not to say it, if they feel strongly about something. DS is 5 and feels strongly about lots of things and I don't really find it strange. But I feel I'm in a minority, which has previously indicated that I'm wrong.

If you don't like it, why not?

OP posts:

wanttosqueezeyou · 19/01/2015 22:29

Apparently "you're not allowed to say 'hate' at school'.

Even to say "I hate it when I fall over in the playground"

Seems like a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater to me. Perhaps we could just teach children to use it appropriately???

BramwellBrown · 20/01/2015 00:04

My rule with DD is she's only allowed to say hate if she really means hate, not just I don't particularly like or would prefer something else and she's never allowed to say it about a living thing.

So the above example about hating falling over in the playground is absolutely fine, the constant whining about 'I hate my school shoes' is not fine because she loved them before she saw a child in town with flashing shoes (which are banned at her school) nor is 'I hate Mrs x' (because she banned the flashing shoes)

PhaedraIsMyName · 20/01/2015 00:06

Is the Marmite as the horrible one that looks like a documentary about abuse? If it is I "hated" it so much I complained to the ASA.

Fried liver. I hated that at age 5 and still do.

Theboodythatrocked · 20/01/2015 00:10

No was never allowed and always challenged in our house.

It's a horrible word.

Always amazes me when I hear children telling their parents they hate them or a sibling and it's just passed over or laughed off.

I have heard teens say it too.

Absolutely horrible.

Language matters for adults so kids need teaching too.

PhaedraIsMyName · 20/01/2015 00:20

You could challenge my saying no to fried liver for as long as you like. It would not make it any less revolting.

Theboodythatrocked · 20/01/2015 00:56

Oh agree fried liver isn't tasty but would you tell it you hated it? That's harsh.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2015 01:14

DD who is just four gets redirected onto other phrases. She frequently 'hates' things she liked two minutes ago for two minutes. If she used it correctly; "I hate having my hair brushed", I wouldn't correct her.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/01/2015 01:25

It isn't banned here, but I do encourage them to save it for stuff they really hate, rather than just dislike. Otherwise they 'hate' everything and it's just sounds so negative. I don't think there is anything wrong in explaining what 'hate' means. It doesn't mean 'I prefer something else' or 'I am annoyed with you' or 'I mildly dislike that' so they shouldn't use it to mean that.

In the same vein, I also discourage them from saying food is disgusting (particularly in a restaurant). It's fine to say you don't like it, but other people are enjoying it so it can't be disgusting/gross/poisonous. Someone has made the effort to cook what they deem to be a nice meal and it's not nice to describe it as disgusting.

The same goes for other people's hobbies being boring/stupid.

Beachcomber · 20/01/2015 08:13

Also my kids are not that small - 8 and 10. The 10 year old can sometimes be 'negative' in the sense that when I ask how her day went she will often start with something negative. We try to encourage her to focus more on the positives and to be a glass half full sort. This is one of the reasons we discourage 'hate', plus both children are old enough to have a wide enough vocab to be able to use more nuanced language.

It's ok to talk about negative stuff but I think 'It can be annoying when the corridors are busy and get a bit pushy' is better for the old karma than a 'I hate being jostled in the corridor' with too much emphasis on the hate. (I checked it is just jostling because the corridors are busy, not shoving/bullying.)

BingBong36 · 20/01/2015 08:22

I try to encourage my children not to use the word hate unless they do actually hate something. They say, I hate that boy (dont really know him) hate school ( which they don't). 'I do not like' sounds much better, they are 3 and 6 years, probably do not realise hate is such a strong word yet.

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 20/01/2015 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTawdry · 20/01/2015 08:57

Like Editthis I don't allow lazy conversation. I tell my children there's a better word or sentence to describe how they feel about say, PE. I also couldn't agree more with her when she says context is king....so YABU. Hate is a very strong word. I hate war. I hate that children suffer at the hands of adults.

I don't enjoy sports because I'm not naturally good at them...so that's something which I should perhaps work harder at. I don't hate them though.

Palooza · 20/01/2015 09:03

If one of my DCs (13, 8, 7), says they hate something I say "hate is a very strong word". Sometimes they will say " fine, I strongly dislike X" in a jokey way.

I think it IS a strong word. It's not banned or anything but I'd like them to think about how they use it iyswim.

Saying they hate a person I'm stricter about but can't remember the last time they said they hated someone.

MassaAttack · 20/01/2015 09:04

Hating something doesn't leave you anywhere to go. I hate . I seriously dislike kidney. I'm not 6 though.

I suppose discouraging use of the word unless it's really justified has to start somewhere

MassaAttack · 20/01/2015 09:07

yy Outraged - I'm the same about discusting disgusting. I have a colleague who uses it all the time, even about other people's food. I hate ( ) it.

ChippingInLatteLover · 20/01/2015 09:09

Hate - 'feel an intense dislike for' 'have a strong aversion to'

I really don't think it's worth all the angst.

MeeWhoo · 20/01/2015 09:12

I agree with OP, especially at that age. I don't think you should discourage the expression of negative feelings, it is healthy to be able to express your feelings whether positive or negative, and I don't think it's a good idea to tell your child what he/she is feeling, especially at that age (No, you don't hate that)

If you think hate is too strong for a certain situation you should have a conversation about it (so you say you hate xxxx, why is that, etc.) and explain that it is hurtful to tell people you hate them and that there are other words such as "don't like" that would be more appropriate to x or y situation. So I think you can discuss and discourage but I don't see how "banning" a word is going to help, other than for the child to not say it out loud but still think it.

FishCanFly · 20/01/2015 10:24

Depends. Its ok to hate sprouts, but not ok to hate people.

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/01/2015 10:37

Angst - 'a strong feeling of being worried or nervous : a feeling of anxiety about your life or situation'.

Is anyone on this thread actually displaying angst over this issue Chipping? It seems some people prefer their kids don't say 'hate' and some people don't mind. It's a fairly angst-free thread imo.

TheListingAttic · 20/01/2015 10:37

Has anyone read the Lynda Barry cartoon strip about not being allowed to say 'hate'? It sums up my attitude to this strange prohibition of a perfectly usable word very well! Can't find the whole thing, but am sure it's online somewhere...

about children not be allowed to say they hate something?

DoJo · 20/01/2015 10:44

Hating something doesn't leave you anywhere to go.

Really? In all this discussion of nuanced language, there's no room for despising something, loathing or finding it abhorrent or any of the other terms which convey a more measured and considered response than 'hate'?

And who decides when it's justified? I hated my kitchen chair this morning when I stubbed my toe on it. I didn't dislike it, or feel an aversion to it, I properly hated it for about five seconds until pain shiver was over. If someone had told me that I couldn't hate it because then I have no way to feel about war or poverty, then I would have been pretty annoyed.

Perhaps I don't think of the word the same way as others on this thread, because I believe that someone can genuinely 'hate' something in one moment even though that might be a result of being annoyed or frustrated about something else. Changing the language you use won't necessarily change the way you feel about it, and addressing the words used rather than the emotion being expressed seems like missing the point.

ChocLover2015 · 20/01/2015 10:51

the meaning of hate has changed.It has evolved to mean 'don't like'

FreudiansSlipper · 20/01/2015 10:59

I discourage the use of the word

It does not mean I do not like it is far more powerful than that and I think a child will usually struggle to understand that

ds does not often use the word but when he does I ask him what he really means

Flomple · 20/01/2015 11:10

I'd never really thought about the word itself in isolation. I would discourage mine from saying they hate a person, and i would not let them say they hated any food served to them, because it's rude to the cook (usually me!)

But if my 7yo said she hated the idea of animals being killed, and was thinking about turning veggie, I wouldn't tell her off for using the word 'hate'. Context is always relevant, surely.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 20/01/2015 11:11

I don't think it's fair to tell a child who says "I hate..." that they don't really feel that way. It must get frustrating to be told "You don't understand how you feel. I will tell you what you actually mean." And you run the risk of children not being able to trust their own feelings or being too afraid to express them, in case they're told they can't possibly feel like that.

I think it's OK though to discuss it when they hate someone. They might then come to their own conclusion that it's not hate, or just be able to let the hate go because they've been able to express it openly. Or of course they might still hate, and that's their choice to make, no one else's.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread