Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To tell DP that he shouldnt get the say on when and where I can do my hobby?

63 replies

AlicesChainz · 19/01/2015 11:44

Last year my grandma gave all her grand kids £100 each with the instructions to "do something meaningful with it."

I decided to take the opportunity to rejoin martial arts after a 4 year gap, so with the money I paid or the uniform, license and have since been using it to pay for club fees of £3 a session. The club holds sessions on almost every night of the week however DP has said I'm only to go twice a week max otherise we'll "never see each other". The sessions are only 1-2 hours long but anyway I agreed. Now, on certain days of the week the sessions are held at our local leisure center 10 minutes away. On Sundays they're held at a community hall 20 minutes away. DP has said that these two are the only ones I am to attend as the other one is half hour drive away.

Last night I told him that due to work and other commitments (one of which is a date night with him when one of my usual sessions is on!) I am thinking about going to the one that is half hour away as a one off to make up for missed sessions. He said no and that I'm not to start making a habit of "that".

AIBU to think this is really not ok?? I am paying for the sessions myself so money is not an issue and I'm missing other sessions meaning we are not spending more time apart. He just seems to think he has the final decision on everything and I've got that used to it that I find myself actually going along with it until I sit and think about it!

OP posts:

Summerisle1 · 19/01/2015 17:20

I don't get this "allow" business in a relationship.

You are only planning to do this activity two nights a week. It isn't for your DP to be laying down rules let alone assume he has the right to make final decisions about anything.

How long have you been with this controlling individual?

DeliciousMonster · 19/01/2015 17:28

OP - you are more than within your rights to do whatever you want, if he doesn't like it then surely he can lump it?

XiCi · 19/01/2015 17:49

I think your grandma has given you an amazing gift, she asked you to do something meaningful with it? Well it's pretty meaningful to discover your OH is a controlling arsehole who won't let you live your own life. I imagine you will be thanking her for more than the karate lessons if it leads to you escaping from this prick.

Starlightbright1 · 19/01/2015 18:48

Can I ask was you expecting YBU or YANBU..

I am with everyone else who said red light...What does he want you to do while with him all night? I think you need to arrange a couple of days out ..I think you will find he is very unhappy about this

JenniferGovernment · 19/01/2015 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 19/01/2015 19:24

I think you need to take back your right to do what you want with your free time and own money.

You can only go to the local ones because he says so.

You had to miss one as you went on a date night with him. Who chose this date night? If it was him do you think he did it deliberately to stop you going?

I suggest you make the convenient date one a more permanent fixture if it is better for you. That still gives you 6 nights for 1 other session (either or of the others as is convenient) and 5 nights with him.

CaptainAnkles · 19/01/2015 19:28

What would actually happen if you told him, flat out, 'I'm going to my class on X night.'? Without asking his permission, just letting him know that's what you're doing. Would he tell you that's not allowed? Would he forbid you attending? And if so, how would he stop you from going to it?

I think you need to examine that. How would it escalate if you ignored his instructions?

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 19/01/2015 19:33

I think that if he is saying things to you like you are not allowed to do x, or you are only permitted to do Y etc then regardless his motivations he is completely in the wrong.

I would tell him that he has absolutely no right to tell me what I can and cannot do and he needs to pack that in right now because it will not be tolerated.

Then, when he understands that the words I will not allow you to... no longer fall from his mouth, you can have a chat about time management and making sure you each get free time, individual time and time together.

The problem here is that he is trying to order you to not do something. What would he do if you said no, I'm going - lock you in the bloody house

I think a conversation about being controlling is in order.

AnnieLobeseder · 20/01/2015 09:09

I have a lot of hobbies, but I decided on my own that it wouldn't be fair to DH if I were out more than 2 nights a week. So apart from exceptional circumstances, that's what I do. But if I wanted to do more, DH certainly wouldn't dream of telling me I wasn't "allowed".

If your DH is feeling neglected and wants to see more of you, that's fine. He's perfectly entitled to express that to you and expect the two of you to come to a fair compromise. What he is not entitled to do is try to tell you, as his equal partner and a fully competent adult, what you are and are not "allowed" to do with your spare time. I hope you can make him understand how inappropriate his behaviour towards you is.

ChippingInLatteLover · 20/01/2015 09:14

Allowed?

Really?

Get rid.

BramwellBrown · 20/01/2015 09:33

YANBU, admittedly I get annoyed when DH's hobby leaves me looking after the children all weekend but thats because his hobby can consume entire days and usually involves him having a drink after, I've been known to tell him he'll have to pay for a babysitter if I've already made plans but would never tell him he wasnt allowed to go.

if your dp is free to do whatever he wants while you're out and its not eating into money you need for food/bills then its not up to him.

stripedtortoise · 20/01/2015 09:42

I can see both sides.

I certainly wouldn't be happy with anyone dictating when and what can do a hobby BUT I think he has a point that if you go all the time/every night you'll never see each other. If I was in his position I would be upset that my partner didn't want to spend precious time away from work etc, with me. It's important to do your own thing & have hobbies definitely but every night or indeed almost every night would absolutely piss me off.

yellowdinosauragain · 20/01/2015 11:42

Stripedtortoise.

the op is happy to only go twice a week
Assuming that it doesn't directly affect you (for eg you are left looking after the children / family money you can't afford is being used, neither of which are the case here) it is never ok to not allow an adult to do something they want to do. It is fine and reasonable to tell them you are upset because you'd like to see more of them and to try and come to a compromise, but to forbid them to do as they wish is controlling and possibly abusive.

Flip

1 2 3