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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DP that he shouldnt get the say on when and where I can do my hobby?

63 replies

AlicesChainz · 19/01/2015 11:44

Last year my grandma gave all her grand kids £100 each with the instructions to "do something meaningful with it."

I decided to take the opportunity to rejoin martial arts after a 4 year gap, so with the money I paid or the uniform, license and have since been using it to pay for club fees of £3 a session. The club holds sessions on almost every night of the week however DP has said I'm only to go twice a week max otherise we'll "never see each other". The sessions are only 1-2 hours long but anyway I agreed. Now, on certain days of the week the sessions are held at our local leisure center 10 minutes away. On Sundays they're held at a community hall 20 minutes away. DP has said that these two are the only ones I am to attend as the other one is half hour drive away.

Last night I told him that due to work and other commitments (one of which is a date night with him when one of my usual sessions is on!) I am thinking about going to the one that is half hour away as a one off to make up for missed sessions. He said no and that I'm not to start making a habit of "that".

AIBU to think this is really not ok?? I am paying for the sessions myself so money is not an issue and I'm missing other sessions meaning we are not spending more time apart. He just seems to think he has the final decision on everything and I've got that used to it that I find myself actually going along with it until I sit and think about it!

OP posts:

RandomNPC · 19/01/2015 12:15

Does he have any friends he could hang out with?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/01/2015 12:17

He is an arse.

Ditch him.

Skatingfastonthinice · 19/01/2015 12:17

Cooking is an excellent hobby. Plus he could make dinner.

Heels99 · 19/01/2015 12:19

It's your money it's your time you do not need his permission go s often as you like to whichever one you want. Surprised you agreed to his bizarre proposal he needs to get his own life.

2rebecca · 19/01/2015 12:21

Agree if no kids and not married then if he doesn't regard your free time as your own he isn't much of a "partner"
You need to redefine the terms of your relationship and make it clear that being a controlling arse isn't an option if he wishes to remain with you.

WooWooOwl · 19/01/2015 12:24

I'd consider my DHs feelings about something like this, especially if I had other commitments that took me away in the evenings, and I'd be a bit hurt if my DH only wanted to spend time with me during the week when there was nothing else on.

I think two nights a week is enough for a hobby tbh.

Aherdofmims · 19/01/2015 12:24

If you have no children you should be able to go as much and on whatever days you like.

Skatingfastonthinice · 19/01/2015 12:25

WooWoo, it's more the lanugae he uses. Very autocratic and inflexible.

Skatingfastonthinice · 19/01/2015 12:26

'lanugae'

language

Ohfourfoxache · 19/01/2015 12:37

I can understand him wanting to spend time with you, but insisting that you must go to a certain place for your hobby is pretty controlling. I'd say that this is a massive red flag. Is he controlling in other areas?

Fwiw DH goes out 1/2 a week with his hobby - he knows I miss him (I hate being away from him anyway - my issue completely, not his) but I wouldn't dream of saying "no you can't go". I can just imagine the reaction if I tried

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 19/01/2015 12:41

This is really really not ok.

Big red flags all over. Controlling abusive arse, or at least shaping up to be one.

How long have you been together? Because undoubtedly the most sensible thing to do is ditch him. You have no children - who do you want them with? A nice, normal, supportive, equal guy who doesn't try to treat you like he owns you like a dog or something, yes?

If you've been together a long, long time and this is a recent nasty little habit, and all else is good - you could give him ONE CHANCE to change - make it clear that he doesn't own you, you'll run your life as you please and never to tell you that you 'can't' do something again. Or you'll split.

I don't hold out much hope though. The most worrying thing about your post is this:

He just seems to think he has the final decision on everything and I've got that used to it that I find myself actually going along with it until I sit and think about it!

So it's an established thing. This is how he wants to run your relationship - him in charge, you the little subordinate who does what she's told.

Again - is this what you want for your life? The example you want for any future children? Err, no.

You aren't married or committed in any big way, PLEASE think seriously about waving goodbye to this one before you find your life turning out in a way you wouldn't have chosen.

BiscuitsAreMyDownfall · 19/01/2015 12:48

Did you not get the answer you wanted the first time you asked about this?

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 19/01/2015 12:50

No no Biscuits, it was someone else returning to martial arts after a four-year break running into problems with a jealous and controlling knobcheese of a partner not wanting them to have a life. Someone completely different.

BiscuitsAreMyDownfall · 19/01/2015 12:57

I cant remember the full thread, just that someone wanted to return to martial arts, but I thought they got lots of YABU. They wanted to go a lot more and everyone said well what about your family? And does DH not get to do his own thing?

KnackeredMerrily · 19/01/2015 12:59

Actually, i say yabu.

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 19/01/2015 12:59

There is no way I would let anyone speak to me like that or dictate how I spend my time.

Neither should you. I'd get rid of him. Venues he allows ? Wtf ?!

TheChandler · 19/01/2015 13:04

Your DP sounds like he is turning into a boring old fart - don't let him drag you down with him. Doing a hobby twice a week is one of the most healthy things you can do - pretty much every kind of health related professional agrees on that. He just wants to control you. He sounds like he himself has a really unbalanced approach to life with no hobbies or interests. He actually sounds incredibly boring.

Ohfourfoxache · 19/01/2015 13:07

Why Knackered?

JellyQuivvers · 19/01/2015 13:10

Surely it's healthy and normal to spend a bit of time apart (and have outside interests) when you're in a relationship?? My in-laws were always joined at the hip; when my MIL died 4 years ago, my FIL was completely lost, had no friends, and has barely left the house since.

maras2 · 19/01/2015 14:08

I've never heard such nonsense.He needs to get a grip.Idiot!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/01/2015 15:23

Venues he "allows" - do you live in Saudi Arabia?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/01/2015 16:01

"He just seems to think he has the final decision on everything and I've got that used to it that I find myself actually going along with it until I sit and think about it!"

No. Just, no.

If you had children and doing your hobby meant he was literally left holding the baby/doing bedtimes on his own/never saw you, then he'd be within his rights to ask you to be more considerate fitting your classes into the rest of family life. But your classes do not cause him work, in fact they don't even inconvenience him. It's a couple of hours, a couple of times a week. You've got the rest of the evening 'together' on the days you attend class, and several days a week all evening together.

He is being ridiculous on this matter. And personally, I find it rather worrying that he does this to you regularly - other wise, why would you say "I've got that used to it that I find myself actually going along with it". I'd say 'nip it in the bud' but it sounds as if he's in full flower.

You need to point out to him that you are in a relationship, you are equal partners in this relationship. He is not your boss, and he needs to stop behaving as if he is. And FFS, don't have children with him while he thinks he is your boss! And don't have children with him at all if he is incapable of changing this entitled overbearing controlling behaviour.

SorchaN · 19/01/2015 16:11

I can't imagine my partner telling me what I'm allowed or not allowed to do. I would laugh. If he said it more than twice I'd be out of there. I don't mind a bit of negotiation, but I couldn't possibly live with someone who tried to control me - or with someone who had no interests of his own except the relationship.

kaykayred · 19/01/2015 16:11

God he just sounds like such a knob end.

If it were taking up the majority of your spare time, or severely detracting from your time together, or if there were children involved then I might - MIGHT - say otherwise.

As it is, you are being respectful about how often you go (twice a week sounds totally reasonable, but four times a week I think would be excessive).

Jesus, just tell him that you're an adult, you're being respectful about keeping time together, but you won't be dictated as to which sessions you are "allowed" to go to or not by him.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 19/01/2015 17:17

The only difference the venue change is going to make is 10 mins more drive, so an extra 20 mins away from him? Not exactly the end of the world.

I wonder what else he gets the last say on without you really noticing...

Of course, you could volunteer to practise at home on him instead
It's so important to get one's arm bar technique just right, isn't it.

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