Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel really not want to go?

34 replies

Allstoppedup · 18/01/2015 23:49

Yep, sorry another wedding one!

We've been invited to the wedding of DPs two friends this year. The friends live local to us but are having their wedding quite a distance away from us, (as is totally their choice!) it's not abroad but in a fairly popular UK holiday destination in summer season (£££).

DP and I don't drive and have a DS who will be 18m and now have to arrange travel and overnight accommodation in order to attend. I feel a bit guilty saying anything/ suggesting we don't go, as my family live at the opposite side of the country so a few times a year we spend a chunk of money travelling to see them. I was also a bridesmaid at my best friends wedding last year and we had to travel quite far for that (although the bride and groom paid for all bridesmaids to stay in the hotel they married in, we got a lift down and we made a holiday of it by staying with my family for a few days)

I am a SAHM and DP works hard but our general household income is fairly small and I feel really annoyed about having to spend so much of our limited money on this.

To further add to the strain, a few weeks after this wedding we are due to go on holiday (again in the UK) with DPs family. MIL is covering the bulk of the cost as it has been booked for a big birthday celebration. It would have been much nicer to have any spare money to use during this long weekend but now I just feel like we really have to scrimp and save just to have a tiny amount for this.

Now I've written this it's more of a WWYD than AIBU but I think it might just be more of a rant than anything!

OP posts:
Original poster
Allstoppedup · 18/01/2015 23:50

Ooh stupid typo in the title!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/01/2015 23:53

Send your bloke and wish him a good time?

Original poster
Allstoppedup · 18/01/2015 23:59

Well that was my initial thought and of course he's welcome to go no matter what but it doesn't actually save much money at all. A tiny bit in travel costs but accommodation (the most expensive bit!) would be about the same looking at it.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 18/01/2015 23:59

Is there any chance you could do this in a day trip to make it cheaper? Or can someone who's driving give you a lift to make it cheaper?

If you can't afford it, don't go. Explain to them that you've already got a holiday booked and all your spare money is allocated to that. Just give them plenty of notice that you're not coming so they can invite someone else instead.

RandomMess · 19/01/2015 00:01

Would it be much cheaper to decline the invite but pay to take them out for a celebratory meal somewhere "nice" instead?

Original poster
Allstoppedup · 19/01/2015 00:10

Random I like that idea! I guess even putting a bit more towards I really nice wedding present and a polite decline could work!

For what it's worth, I don't think we are creme d' la creme of the invited guests and don't imagine that us not going would bother them too much! We live local to them but they haven't met DS yet and he's 1, (we've seen them a couple of times on rare nights out for birthdays/to celebrate their engagement!) so they certainly aren't what I would consider very close friends.

I guess the real gist of it is I'm fed up of not being able to afford things like this! Grin

OP posts:
my2centsis · 19/01/2015 02:53

Sorry I think your being selfish. It's ok to spend $ on traveling and visiting your family twice a year but not his close friends wedding? Which is (hopefully) not going to happen ever again?? Really?

wobblyweebles · 19/01/2015 03:12

They're not really that close if they haven't met their son yet my2centsis.

Chottie · 19/01/2015 03:20

Don't go, use the money to enjoy your family holiday with your LO.

Thumbwitch · 19/01/2015 03:24

Yeah it doesn't say anywhere that they're his close friends.

Don't go, save the money. Weddings with an 18mo are a bit of a PITA anyway, tbh.

Innocuoususername · 19/01/2015 03:30

A wedding invitation is just that, it's an invitation not a summons. In your position I wouldn't go (and have turned down invites in similar situations). Leaving aside the expense, travelling to a wedding with a toddler is no fun (I assume he's invited too?).

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 19/01/2015 07:55

Don't go but tell DH he is welcome to go alone if he wishes.

When you have a wedding a distance away from most guests then it's known from the start that many won't attend.

Mammanat222 · 19/01/2015 08:01

There is no way I'd go to a wedding that is going to cost a fortune for a couple that I wasn't that close to and hadn't yet met my one year old.

If it was local then yes but far away / overnight weddings should be reserved for close family and friends.

What does your DP want to do?

CombineBananaFister · 19/01/2015 08:03

I think it depends how strongly your DH feels because there his friends? Would be different if you had both been cutting back and not going to places but if you've made trips to people who you consider important I think he should get a say.
Explain your concerns, maybe he's not bothered and feels the same as you or maybe he felt this way about the wedding at which you were bridesmaid but sucked it up for you.

Littlef00t · 19/01/2015 08:33

How far is it? I know it's not fun, but could your DH travel back that night?

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 08:46

I do think it's unfair that when it's your friends you are happy to make the effort but not for your DPs. Would you have been happy if your DP had said he wasn't keen to go to your friends which was long distance? I get that you had more lifts and things then but would you have found a way to go even if you hadn't? If no then yanbu to try to find a way around, if yes then yabu.

I would look into the cost for you all and the cost for just him and then talk it over with him.

Only1scoop · 19/01/2015 08:50

Ask you DP if he wants to go as they are his friends. Is dc invited also? Could you get cheap train deal if it's weekend?

Original poster
Allstoppedup · 19/01/2015 12:07

I totally agree with most of these posts and it's completely my dilemma. OF COURSE I wouldn't ever say DP couldn't go. I do think that is is a decision for both of us to make together though as we need to budget for it and it will have a significant impact on our finances overall. I think that's the main issue, if he goes I know I will be secretly frustrated about the amount of money put into it.

DP can be a bit useless with planning ahead etc so it all falls on me to organize/book, but as far as I can see he can't be MASSIVELY enthused or he would have attempted to do this himself or at least brought it up. I know what he is like though and will likely leave it until the last minute when it will inevitably cost more!

I will ask him outright what he wants to do and look properly into the costs for just him going though. It's quite far to do a trip back after but will look into that too.

As for going to the wedding I was a bridesmaid for, firstly, I was a bridesmaid, so a little bit of a different situation as I was part of the wedding party and our accommodation was covered so really the only costs we put down were for a gift and petrol money. I have to say if they were close friends of DP and he we're an usher or best man I wouldn't even question his attendance. We do spend money travelling to see my family twice a year and I do feel guilty about this, the flip side of that is that we have probably spent equal to or more on meals out, day trips and fun times spent with HIS family, we see them a couple of times a week, whereas I see mine very rarely- it's just the way it works but I don't think its 'unfair' on DP that we have to do so as if roles were reversed we would be in the same situation.

My friend also makes a lot of effort to see us throughout the year, despite the distance. I didn't go to the hen do or another wedding that year as I didn't feel comfortable spending that much 'family' money on myself.

This thread has made me feel a little but better as some have shared my feelings so I feel a bit more comfortable bringing it up with DP.

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 19/01/2015 12:19

I think it depends on how close your DP is to this couple. If they are close friends of his it's understandable if he wants to go. If not close friends though I would politely decline. x

KitKat1985 · 19/01/2015 12:22

Also just to add I think if a couple decide to have a wedding a long way away (or worse, abroad) they need to be willing to accept that it's likely that more people will decline to come. x

littlejohnnydory · 20/01/2015 16:06

Disagree that people can't be close if they haven't met one year old DS. My closest and oldest friends didn't meet dd until she was 4. We live at opposite ends of the country and just couldn't afford to make the trip. Same reason our nephew was eighteen months before we met him in person and our other dd was 2 before she met her aunties (dh's sisters).

expatinscotland · 20/01/2015 16:13

Just decline and send a nice gift.

Noimaginationfornewname · 20/01/2015 16:14

I don't think I would compare you and him and previous his/her wedding trips, because as you say it is not one person continually giving up their social life. I would look at what works for your family right now. And if your money is better spent on travelling for your family holiday or seeing relatives then so be it. As previously said, it is an invite, not a summons to a celebration.

Thumbwitch · 21/01/2015 12:11

littlejohnny - the cases are hardly comparable though, as you live far far away from your friend and family - the OP has said that these friends getting married are local (but choosing to go far away to get married). I bet you'd have seen each other's children a LOT quicker if you'd lived locally, wouldn't you?

LittleBairn · 21/01/2015 12:14

YABU due to you travelling a couple of times a year to your family. Its only fair he should get to visit his friends and go to the wedding.
As you said your income is small it would be fair of him to feel resentful that the little spare all goes on visiting your family.