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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how would you feel?

30 replies

rubypearl · 18/01/2015 20:46

so long story short i have two kids with a man who I have been on and off for 14 years. my youngest is two. he has never paid child support - in fact over the years i have supported him more. he has been abusive in the past which has always stopped me from fully committing to him.
over the summer he came to stay a few times and wanted to be a family. we had a huge argument at the end of the summer and have had no contact. nothing for the kids either.
today i have found out he has a newborn! conceived when he was in and out of our home.
I am furious that he never told me or my kids, my oldest is 10. we found out via his 15 year old from another previous relationship.
in the summer he was depressed that he had no work and sob storied to me that he was practically homeless and was annoyed that we have a nice house!
how would you feel? it is the final nail in the coffin for him for me - but I am SO ANGRY!!!

OP posts:
afreshstartplease · 18/01/2015 20:48

I would be thankful for him finally showing me I can do Sooooo much better

SorchaN · 18/01/2015 20:49

I'm surprised you're still talking to him. Aren't there any other men in your town? If it were me, I wouldn't have any further contact with him.

Hassled · 18/01/2015 20:51

You're well rid of him. I can understand the anger, but I'm sure you're worth more than this shower of shit. Move on, but not before you've spoken to the CSA re maintenance.

AgentProvocateur · 18/01/2015 20:53

I would be unsurprised that an abusive wanker, who hadn't paid any maintenance for 10 years, and who had been a cocklodger for 14 years, would also be sleeping around. You can do so much better, as the previous poster said.

SnapeChat · 18/01/2015 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 20:57

i'm not talking to him anymore and thankfully we moved 200 miles away last year as i didn't like him dropping in and out so much, plus i had to call the police as he refused to leave my house on several occasions.

I'm 41 and have very low confidence. i can't see me meeting anyone and i have finally seen the light and will never go back to him, another child really is the deal breaker.

the fact that he didn't bother to tell me so i could talk to my 10 year old really infuriates me - she has spoken to him today and he just tad her it is my fault as i block their relationship - he has her mobile number and email address so not sure what he is on about apart from making excuses.

she is devastated and feels rejected for another baby - his 5th (no. 3 and 4 are mine)

i can't believe his cheek - she must have been pregnant and him aware when he was trying it on with me - asking if he could move to our new area and give it a go - even making the ridiculous suggestion that we have another baby together.

i screamed at him on the phone today and told him how vile i thought he was - he thinks i have anger issues and that i am not a good person to be around!!

I am and have been a single parent to his kids for 10 years - i provide a very comfortable life for them and i work and i am studying for a masters p/t.

and yet i am bothered by this - i feel so let down and stupidly so worthless and embarrassed by him : (

OP posts:
Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 20:59

it's my 10 year old i feel so bad for - she is in bits

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 18/01/2015 21:01

Why are you surprised. Surely after your first child you should have stayed well away.

Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 21:03

yep LadyLuck10 i should have - i feel such fool

OP posts:
LIZS · 18/01/2015 21:04

You will need to get some support to help your dc through this , accept him for what he is and use this as an opportunity to reevaluate your family's needs. Look for out assertiveness and confidence building courses through your HV or local ?urestart centre.

CombineBananaFister · 18/01/2015 21:08

You are their mum - you can't be their dad as well - do not feel responsible for the choices he makes or the effort he chooses to put in. But you are responsible for how you respond to his fecklessness. Am glad you have moved away, and am sure it is hard but seriously? he seems to take everything and give nothing - am sorry you have low self-confidence and he takes advantage of that but you have dependents who need you to make the better/hard choice.
Your kids and you deserve better by the sounds of it. Stop thinking about what he is doing and focus on what you and your kids doing - and it sounds like you're trying to take a step in the right direction

Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 21:10

I could never regret the kids - so I am so thankful for them

i am actually a very assertive person - just very stupid and naive in thinking things could have been different

reading this and the messages i come across as a complete sap - i provide for my kids and always put them first despite having a very bad start in life which has ultimately affected my self confidence

thanks for the messages - i do appreciate them - just feel so so stupid and worthless

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 18/01/2015 21:11

The dealbreaker could have been that he treats you and your kids like shit not that he cheated and has another child on the way - she may be clueless. You are worth more than this

Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 21:13

he's one of lifes' charmers and stupidly i suppose i never felt that i was worth more

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 18/01/2015 21:13

I have been here. you are not stupid and worthless - he is. you care enough to ask for advice and acknowledge his faults - every tiny step is a good step

acatcalledjohn · 18/01/2015 21:13

You say you never fully committed to him, yet you have two children with him Confused

Still, he's a twunt. Dump him once and for all and live life for you and your DC. They don't have to see him if they don't want to.

Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 21:19

i wouldn't live with him and commit as i have worked hard for what we have - he doesn't work, just on and off, fleecing the state system and I never wanted to let him in - i suppose that is why i didn't commit - don't think he did either!

and yes i have made it easy for him over the years - letting him back in seeing the kids and on occasion giving huge finicial assistance

he is now out of our lives - no going back from this but i am really sad that he is still bad mouthing me to my 10 year old and really sad that he has robbed them of a dad as i don't want him anywhere near them

my 10 year old doesn't want to see him anymore but my 2 year old asks for him all the time - i know we are better off without him but it really hurts

OP posts:
Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 21:20

thanks CombineBananaFister x

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 18/01/2015 21:34

jesue ruby these men fuckwits of men don't lie awake at night beating themselves up like we do - YOU ARE BETTER, the fact that you question this shit despite your inner doubts means you are better. onwards and away from this twat xxxx Flowers it get better with distance - honest xxx

Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 21:38

thank you - i have questioned it over the years - there has been numerous dramas

but i have suffered with horrendous depression and i feel very empty and lonely

i don't let it affect the kids - put a big smile on my face and break down in private - i do have so much to be thankful for but it is hard and i feel that i have really messed up mine and our lives with the past choices i have made

onwards and upwards but a lot of private tears long the way xx

OP posts:
Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 21:40

and i am outraged that he has treated us like this - just months after weeping in my house asking for another chance and a new start.. when he has a girlfriend, pregnant!!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2015 21:45

Well op cut the strings, and be free of this headfuck cocklodger. I would apply to the CSA for child support. He has your dd number, he can contact her directly. Have nothing more to do with him, enjoy your life without him in it!

Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2015 21:47

Your 2 year old will stop asking, if he wants to see them he can take you to court.

Original poster
rubypearl · 18/01/2015 21:47

if i knew where he was i would!

and if he had any money - he hasn't got a bean and thankfully is NOT on eitr birth certificate - another long story!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/01/2015 21:49

That's good, it would cost him money to take you to court Smile. Just get on with your lives and try and forget him.

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