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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to meet his kids, but not let him meet mine yet?

36 replies

Honeybadger83 · 17/01/2015 13:41

I'm a single mum in a long distance relationship. We've been together for five months, but the distance means we don't see each other very frequently, mostly due him being a very involved father (which I love about him) and he and his ex not having much of a schedule.
I think the world of him, and he has suggested it might be time for us to meet our respective children. I am a little nervous about meeting his boys, obviously I want them to like me, but I'm looking forward to seeing him as a father, getting to know his kids etc. Also (on a slightly selfish note) it would make it possible to see each other more frequently.
The thing is, I'm not ready to introduce my son (4) to him yet. We have both talked about this being a long-term thing, we are both very hopeful for the future, but I just don't want to introduce somebody to my son unless I'm pretty darn sure they are going to stay in his life.

Is it unreasonable to ask for one without being prepared to do the other yet?

OP posts:

FightOrFlight · 17/01/2015 13:43

Yes it is and I'm sure he would find it very insulting if he finds out that you feel like this.

EatShitDerek · 17/01/2015 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

26Point2Miles · 17/01/2015 13:45

Why are his kids fair game and yours is 'precious'.... That's how I read it

ecuse · 17/01/2015 13:46

Um. Yes? If you're not ready that's fine, explain it to him. But you can't push (or even ask) to meet his in the circumstances. If he suggests it anyway then go ahead.

Goingintohibernation · 17/01/2015 13:46

YABU. I can totally understand you wanting to be sure before he meets your DS, but his DC are just as important to him, as yours is to you. You need to wait until you are happy, and then both meet each others children around the same time.

pinkyredrose · 17/01/2015 13:47

YABU. You could introduce him to your DS as the friend in the same way you would a female friend.

McKayz · 17/01/2015 13:47

I think it would be very unfair for you to meet his children when you won't let him meet yours.

Floralnomad · 17/01/2015 13:47

YABU

Stormingateacup · 17/01/2015 13:48

See how he feels, he might not mind but if he does, then you should respect that.

googoodolly · 17/01/2015 13:48

That's not fair. If you want him to in troduce you to his kids, you need to to introduce him to yours. I would be very offended if a DP of mine wanted to meet my DC but had decided I wasn't good enough to meet theirs yet

museumum · 17/01/2015 13:49

Why the difference. Are his much much older?
Otherwise it's off to treat them so differently.

JenniferGovernment · 17/01/2015 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdSheeran · 17/01/2015 13:52

YABU. If you don't feel ready to introduce your son, then it's not the right time to meet his. If this is for the long run, then there's no rush. Just take it slowly until you feel more comfortable.

WannaBe · 17/01/2015 14:00

Yes yabu. If he wants you to meet his kids he presumably thinks this is a long-term thing. If you say you're not ready he will likely think you don't feel the same. It's pretty insulting tbh, and i wouldn't be surprised if this made him re-think the relationship.

toomuchtooold · 17/01/2015 14:06

YANBU, assuming that (like the vast majority of men) he's not the primary carer for his children. A new partner will make bigger difference to your DS than it will to his DC if they are not living with him/spend more of their time at their mother's.

zingally · 17/01/2015 14:11

Unfair.

Your son is no more special than his. There is no reason why your son should be spared an awkward first meeting, yet his have to go through it.

Why not get together with all the kids in tow? The children (assuming roughly similar ages) can play, and you and Other Half can meet each other's child/children in a relatively low-pressure "play date" type situation.

If the children's mutual ages are too different for them to play together, why not go bowling or to a theme park? Still in that low pressure play date scenario, but something for all ages, and a bit of distraction.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 17/01/2015 14:28

YABVU, both should meet at the same time. I'd be wary of him wanting to introduce the children so early into a dating long distance relationship as you will know next to nothing about each other yet.

TidyDancer · 17/01/2015 14:34

I can't even imagine a scenario in which you would feel this is okay! OP this is ridiculous and you will look ridiculous if you actually say this to your DP.

(Not a reverse is it?)

NeedABumChange · 17/01/2015 14:35

How old are his kids? How long have you both been separated from other parent? If they are secondary school and mum and dad have been separated for 10 years then that's different to your four year old if you've only been separated for 6 months. Different circumstances and all. Does that make sense?

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 17/01/2015 14:41

I think you have as much right to feel that it is too soon for you as a parent to introduce your child to a partner as he is as a parent to feel that it is the right time to introduce his child to a partner.

If I understand correctly, it's not that you think he should let you meet his children or that you asked for it but you don't want him to meet yours, it is that he is happy for you to meet his children, he raised it and he wants to meet yours.

I think that you have to be honest with him. That for you, it's too soon. That if he wants you to meet his children, that would be lovely, but equally if he wants to wait, you are fine with that too.

I don't think that because he is ready for you to meet his children, that you should disregard your own feelings on the matter about whether it's the right time in your opinion for your child.

Talk to him.

HouseBaelish · 17/01/2015 14:42

I agree that it depends on the age of the children.

If his are substantially older than your son, I don't think it could be so much of an issue if you explain clearly. For example older children/young adults could be a lot more understanding of a new relationship or a relationship breakdown than a four year old.

If they are of a similar age then YABtotallyU and it needs to be the same rules for both parties.

MaryWestmacott · 17/01/2015 14:43

I think you'll find it very hard to tell him he can't see yours once you've already seen his.

If it's too early in your relationship for children to be introduced, then it's too early for all the children, unless some are adults.

It might be easier if you can see him with his DCs too, but it's unfair on them that they get to be part of the 'early stages, might not work out' but you want to shield your DS on the very reasonable grounds you don't want him attached to your boyfriend if it breaks down - those boys might really like you and be hurt if you break up. If you don't feel this is definately forever, then it's unfair of you to put yourself in their lives, and also unfair on your boyfriend to give him the impression you think it's forever (meeting his DCs) when you don't really feel that way.

You want to make it work, will it be you or him you see moving? It doesn't sound like he would if it would mean stopping seeing his DS's so much - are you prepared to move near him, uproot your DS, possibly move away from your DS's dad and your extended family? If not, this relationship isn't going to last, so perhaps you shouldn't be considering doing something like seeing his DCs.

crazylady12 · 17/01/2015 14:45

I think it depends on age and situation you sound a little protective like a bad break up that your son has witnessed or he dosent see his farther?

crazylady12 · 17/01/2015 14:46

Sorry if I have got it wrong just guessing: s

KatoPotato · 17/01/2015 14:48

Gads have you vocalised this to your DP? I do hope not, it doesn't bode well for a future blended family does it?

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